This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Laws and processes and procedures change over time and if a new one comes in you may not know or may have forgotten - yep it is human to forget! So you have a perfect right to ask questions
Undermining your confidence is the issue. You KNOW you can do your job and do it well - if not they would have fired you long since. It is reasonable to ask questions but and here is the bit I always told my staff.
Write the answers down in a word document then if you have a question - look it up by using find in the word document first and then if it isn't there, ask. Yes I did get very annoyed with someone who asked me probably every week where to put a particular file. Yes I probably wasn't as nice as I could have been but she should have written it down if she couldn't remember.
The trouble is the document can become very very long so from time to time you need to go through it and weed out the stuff you really know into a second document. I used to have mine in a database because I prefer to work with those so I could pull up a section on bookings, a section on audit issues, a section on legal stuff very very quickly. Would that help at all?
OK as for OT Let me place you in the bosses shoes - It is now your money that you are paying out to your staff. All profit goes into your bank account. Now would you seriously stop someone doing unpaid overtime (unless of course you were breaking the law and could be fined) Nope that person is saving you money. Thats person is you book hun - While ever you do the overtime for free why WOULD they get you help? Out of kindness?? Now come on that aint really gonna happen darling.
Do they know how you feel? Do you ever have appraisals? That is the time when you can say. I have had a loss in confidence of late. From time to time I need to check that I am doing something right. I need your support for that but of late I have felt that you don't like me asking. Cite example. Then add - it made me feel uncomfortable or undermined my position or something of that ilk, in front of a client and I know that they deserve the best from me. I just want to do my job as well as I possibly can.
Please may I ask that if I do ask that you recognise that I needed to - I will also write down the answers you give me so I don't have to bother you unnecessarily but I may still need to check that something is still current.
Get it put into your review/appraisal. It means you have told them that they have made you uncomfortable and that is the first step into proving harassment later should it continue . If they don't know how they make you feel they may not stop - they may not anyway but to continue KNOWING how you feel IS HARASSMENT FULL BLOWN
One example (as someone who lacks confidence) is when a crazy, mean boss yelled at me in front of a client. I calmly left, went home. He called to ask if I was coming back. I replied, "Only if you stop embarrassing yourself in front of your customers". I went back, however, after everyone else had already quit, I had seniority after only 7 weeks there. He was pretty much impossible, so I left too, then he closed just after that.
If you are going to quit anyway, try speaking up for yourself some more-it could be good practice for your new job with your boss' competitor.
Already have a dentist you see regularly for one example. When my tooth filling broke yesterday, I spenf all day looking for a dentist covered by my insurance.
Even though it must be treated right away ( warned the dentist), by the time I got to the front desk, it's going to require 2 weeks to get authorization for treatment, and other impossible things going on.
Tooth broken yesterday, still broken tonight without any solution on the horizon.
(Everybody else but me).
Don't ask, it's always this way, and much too complicated to explain.
If I were a dog, I would be a whineriner.
Maybe I can get reimbursed-especially if I get a letter from the dentist I saw saying it needed immediate treatment. I have left a message to ask to go to an out of network dentist. How about a dental school, or a string and a doorknob?
Can you imagine, killing my poor tooth, drilling out the nerves, scraping and then filling the canal, then, oops, have to now tell you that there is a cavity below your filling sitting on the bone....(didn't hear scrape the bone yet, leaving that out); but we do have to cut away some of the gum to fill the tooth; yeah, and now that you've already said no to root canal, there may be a cap required to support the area, even though we already said your case would not require a post (drill into gum/bone to screw in post to support the cap, and you are living with a dead tooth, but at least it's your tooth!!!!!!!!! And, as far as infection? You don't need an antibiotic even though there is swelling and some infection, because the receptionist says because you don't have an infection and swelling-the dentist says after telling you otherwise. So, no treatment! But they will try to push it through for authorization, on Monday, because it is an emergency!
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
Imop, a simple procedure? That is just a lie.
The abscess resulted from a root canal that was done years before. The dentist left a little bit of the metal in my gum. I'm glad the endodontist was able to save the tooth.
First of all, your children should come first. Then fiance. Then Grammy. If Grammy's care becomes 24/7 that excludes everything else - like you can no longer attend your kids' school programs, or you all cannot go out as a family - then it's time to find extra help - with Grammy's money. The goal here is for You, your Fiance and your Children to have a life outside of the home.
Second - Why are you hosting 2 thanksgiving dinners and 2 birthday parties? Why add more to your load? Why not just do 1 thanksgiving, invite the guests with requests to bring a dish (to help alleviate your load). Birthday parties for fiance or your kids? If not, why are you hosting these bday parties? What I'm trying to point out to you is: Prioritize.
Prioritize your limited free time so that you can have less load, which in turn will mean less load for fiance. Prioritizing what is a Necessity (2 thanksgiving dinners and 2 birthday parties?) will help you find extra time to spend with your kids. And fiance. If you Need to do this - for your sanity (my fave niece is a 'social' person) - then please try to Simplify it.
Whatever you decide, remember this, the rate you're going - without rest or deep sleep - you Will end up in a place that you don't want to be. According to my therapist at the time - either in the hospital or dead. I'm not saying to stop taking care of Grammy. But you Do need to prioritize your time with your family, too. Simplify if you must. By the way, do you think your kids will enjoy setting up the xmas decorations with you? I can see you all enjoying doing this - if you're not into perfection. =)
I have a friend who has three children of whom one has autism and another has down syndrome. She and her husband are busy enough with just their family that it is not feasible for her to do anything more. If you are neglecting him and then giving him a honey do list that is too much and he may become resentful and leave. Have ya'll had any arguments about the current arrangement?
Your special needs children need more time than you are able to give them presently. I don't know but this may be contributing to them being Tasmanian devils. They may be crying out for more attention? I think even non special needs children would act out their frustrations.
My mom died three years ago in a nursing home, but that was where she needed to be. Maybe your grammy needs to be in one also. Where has her doctor said she needs to be? Does her doctor know that you are doing all of this on your own? I believe the doctor needs to know the whole situation in order to give you the best advice about your grammy's care.
Are you able to find a way to cut back with running to your mom for every single thing? Can you find someone to come in and help more with your mom, so that you can slack off a bit from the caregiving? I think you need to find a way to outsmart your mom in this. So far, whatever she does, moves a single finger, you drop everything to rush to her. She's playing you. Or. I could be waaaaay wrong {frowning}.
Maybe someone else whose parent/spouse have gone through this will be able to give you pointers.
Most of my blackouts were with mom when I was cleaning her trache. I remember several times after I blacked out, I would still be standing but all of the supplies were gone - some went in the trash, some went in drawers that I rarely use, and I Finally found the scissors - under mom's pillow on the opposite side of me. Several times, when I 'came to', I was trying to pull out mom's trache! That terrified me. When I was telling the therapist these 'blanking out', he told me that I was 'blacking' out. That's why when I read others who have reached past the exhaustion stage, I warn them (just as the therapist warned me), that they need to find help. Or else they will end up in the hospital or dead.
I can't believe how I forgot how that exhaustion was like. I remember when mom died in March, I asked my sister to join me in Hawaii in August. I couldn't believe how exhausted I was - several times throughout the day. I had to keep going back to the hotel room to rest. I was a bit disappointed that I wasted my trip spending most of the time in the hotel room and not outside enjoying Hawaii. When I came back home, the therapist couldn't believe how much I changed. She kept staring at me, shaking her head. I guess I really needed that trip which allowed me to crash in bed several times a day so that my mind/body could recuperate. Forgot all about That Exhaustion....
I figured since he's going to be banging/throwing his watches around, I might as well buy cheap ones. Today, I bought 3 digital watches. Sometimes, when you buy things from China, they die within a year. You get what you pay for. Tonight, I didn't spend over $19.00 total. I've also put in a bid for a face watch with the numbers on it - max $10.00 bid. I won't go over that amount. I'm still debating with one more watch that has BOTH the face hands AND the digital time. But that's a starting bid of $20.00. I don't want to spend too much on a watch that he's just going to throw/bang it. Well, its 1:19am. I should be sleeping since I will be getting up at 6:30am to start my day....
I sent out a "hello...?" email last week, it was like dropping a pebble into a bottomless pit, how long do you listen to it fall?
You might say call someone, but I have nothing to say, my life is full of mindless tasks and playing endless games of solitaire. My life with mother is nothing new, I've spewed it all before and even I am tired of hearing, thinking about it. I just want to sit in a room and listen to those around me talking about normal things. I want to feel I am somehow still connected to the human race. How pathetic is it when your only connection to the world are the little snippets from mostly anonymous strangers on an internet forum.
Fave sis and I have nothing in common. Except for shopping. She knows I'm allergic to shrimp. She buys seafood spaghetti from Outback Steakhouse and invites me over. Or yesterday, she buys 2 boxes of fried rice. One is spam, the other is shrimp. Lots of shrimp. She bought it for us. I was very very tempted all day to sneak a few bites. Did I mention that I Love Shrimp. When we eat out, she always orders shrimp menu. Then offers me some. When I say I'm allergic to it, she asked if I would really get a swelling throat? Sometimes, I think she's trying to kill me through my allergy to shrimp. Anyway, we have no similar interests. I can listen to her attentively. When it's my turn to talk, she goes to mommy mode and responds, "uh huh. Hmm. Uh huh., etc.." I ask a question, she responds, "oh, what did you say?"
To keep my sanity slightly intact, I've turned to the news channels: Good Morning America, CNN and Fox news to get the latest news. Lately too much politics, so I've been on the HLN and just channel surfing. I'm trying to go back to reading my books that are light, funny, humorous, etc.... If you were a fellow news junkie like me, we can send messages to each other about the current events. Or swap stories except I'm getting forgetful lately. Send me a Private message if you want to talk but not have everyone read it. I will do my best to respond. Like pen pal...
What you really need is a real conversation with someone. That's really really hard for someone who is mainly a caregiver. You have here for caregiver conversations. What you yearn is real life normal conversation. I understand. It's like still being stranded on an island by yourself despite being surrounded with people.