This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
My daughter was married back in April here in my parents' backyard. My brother came 'thank God' really couldn't have done it without him. He stayed here with parents and I was able to go to my house and do all the necessary preparations with my daughter. Can't imagine what it would have been like if I had to prepare food here with mom in the same house! Think she would have had a heart attack stressing about all the stuff being done!! It turned out wonderful as I am sure Kathy's daughters' will too!!! It was really nice doing something other than caretaking. Although I could have used a vacation after everyone was gone!! Haha have a very dear friend that sounds like your Kathy although we don't get to visit (work) like you guys do don't know what I would do without her!! God is good all the time!! We just don't always know he is carrying us when we are in the heat of whatever is going on!!!
Praying for Ted and all of you on the east coast. My son and his family are in cocoa..hear they will only be getting tropical winds and rains...sons place of work closes if school closes and dils place doesn't close...they are next to the barrier islands.
Thanks to all of you for your support and friendship!! Has made a tremendous difference since I found all of you!
Emjo, HOT WATER.... I know after having to use water standing in a ditch for water to wash off with after the hurricane and being stranded where no one knew we were, I have never taking running water for granted again....hot or cold...
Seeme, sounds like the wedding is going to be beautiful , now if there is not a tornado, things will go great... hope hear from you soon tho.. we are missing you..
Vic, sometimes we just end up where we are supposed to be... life is just so full of surprises, and we all have been blessed by you being here, so it's all a very good thing... love ya...
Shawna, you are a busy girl... can't wait to get started on my sculpting again.... it is better than Calgon for "taking me away".....
CM glad to hear you got some rest and some stuff off your chest....
I HEAR RAINDROPS ON THE ROOF, GOING TO GO STAND IN IT BEFORE I LEAVE FOR WORK... LATER , love ya'll , k;now I missed someone, but gotta get going.... hugs across the miles to you all...
Ladee, hope you got some sleep last night, I believe I will get a willie cd with that song on it.. use to play it all the time back in the days it was popular on the juke box in the bar before I was going to hit the road.. I would tell you come to SC, but I don't know which is worse, the heat and humidity here or there.. if this trip works out well, I'll be heading for cooler shores come summer time next year..
Jo, I pray that as I type this, you are just now crawling out of a hot bath..lol..
Shawna, I am glad to hear that everything went well today, don't try and over do it, take some time, and rest, you'll find yourself overwhelmed if you don't.. a online store is a great idea..
Cmag, if you haven't found the insurance card yet, call your agent, they can print you one or you might be able to go online and get one from their website. Sorry to hear Mom is so confused today, but I am grateful your there to watch after her.
Ladee, you got rain...!!!!!! wonderful.. Jo, you got hot water...!!!! I'm not sure which is better hot water or rain, both are.. me? we have heat and humidity..lol.. of course my having hot flashes doesn't help..
.
The world has pretty much woken up here, well except for hubby, but that is normal for him..lol.. you can hear some auto traffic, very little though, tons of birds, bugs, etc.. Trip has been off to a good start, we're averaging so far 10 to 12 mpg.. a weeks stay, 3 bags of ice and 2 bundles of wood, 142.00, so not bad. Budgeted right this trip should be a breeze.
Maggie is sleeping down by my feet, Squeek is in the crate we got for Claire checking everything out.. and Claire? she lost her wandering privileges by not coming when I called her. So she now finds herself on the end of a 20 foot lead... they wander off and don't come when called, they lose their freedom and end up in the exercise pen we bought them, they managed to lose their freedom the last time for 2 days, they took off and it took me 2 hours to find their butts. Hubby was suppose to be watching them.. we all know how that goes..rofl.
Hope everyone is doing well this am...
Tried to take Sonny outside today to watch the rain, but he wouldn't stay on the patio, so had to take him back in... we had some pretty high winds last night, so, little limbs all over the yard... his OCD was more powerful that Marie's warning, so I had to take him back inside..
He made a little mess in the bathroom this morning and you would have thought there was poop on the walls and ceiling by the way Marie came undone... and she went on and on and on, I intervened, helped him get his breakfast plate organized and he kept saying"Well, then I just won't use the bathroom any more!". He was getting angry, she wouldn't shut up and I finally said to her that we might as well join him in his world, he doesn't live in ours, and you getting upset over somthing that I clean up is just silly... you want him to change, and yet you won't listen to anyone when they tell you fussing at him DOES NO GOOD.... so if you want to be upset, ok, just don't say it to him.... now, I am going to go clean up the bathroom, and then I will come get him out of your hair!!!!!!
Went and cleaned up the mess, and when I got back she was so contrite and talking to him like she really cared... I am sick of her damned hard head, hell, fire me for doing my job..... I've already done the BG thing, not doing it again.... today I just did not give a shit.... excuse the pun.....so guess I will have to "slap" her everytime she gets started... so she doesn't feel good, so fu^king what, neither do I, neither does any one else I know....shut up already... lord.......And the slap means verbal, not physical in case anyone misunderstands....don't want the SW at thier house......or my house either....
Ok, I am going to go open the curtain in the bedroom, lay down and watch it rain.... It will be 108 tomorrow, so am going to enjoy this while it lasts... more later, just had to do my Marie dump for the day.... love ya'll
This caregiving isn't easy. It was a little easy before but since my surgery every little thing is getting on my nerves.
Grandma keeps saying that she doesn't have the much longer to live. That's hard to hear sometimes but what do you say to someone who says that nearly every single day?
I hope everyone that is in the path of Irene stays safe.
Not much of anything else happening here today. Prayers to Ted for safety....and any of our other friends along the East Coast.
Hope all of you check in for the day......tell us something fun!
Love and Hugz to all,
Jam
Hubby has to work this weekend, and I think the hurricane has been moved up to earlier on Sat., so I don't know if I will make it to the wedding or not. Made a plan of the tables so someone can place the food in what and where it need to be just in case. I planned to be there a long time and I thoughthubby would stay with mom until later, but that is out now. And this is mom's first hurricane, so today she said she was getting scared. Since it moved further west, we are in for 50 mph wind gusts and 6" of rain. Got the flag pole down and the umbrella, tomorrow I will get the patio furniture in the man cave, bird feeders, etc. We are now getting food done. Sis has done 2 meat platters and I have done all the sauces/dips. Getting ready to start salad.
Vic....I am so there with you. Everything you said is my life. So nice to have someone who understands and says everything so well. Glad we could be of some help. This has made a world of difference to me since March.
Smiley.....same thing I haer from mom.....I'll be gone soon.....you're going to miss me when I'm gone.....watever happens, happens, I'm done with doctors....and on and on. When she says she'll be gone soon, I always ask her where's she going? Is she driving? Always makes her laugh.
John, I want to know which thread you were so passionate about......did I miss something good?
Hope Shawna is resting.
Starri......Did you get on the other side of the mountains???
Emjo.....Has winter started up there? Will you be anywhere near Irene after it hits Maine?? Don't remember where in Canada you live.
I expect to hear from Stormy tomorrow. N. Myrtle Beach may have evacuation orders in place for vacationers. I would go inland anyway.........
Everyone stay safe all up the coast.....Ladee, just try to stay cool............
Jam, Love ya and GET THAT HELP..........
Gotta get back to the kitchen......love you all.......later...........
I became very passionate toward the end of the "Pick and choose" thread. What got me going was a post that sounded like an applaud for the idea of "throw away spouses".
I don't live where Ted lives but I do know what hurricanes can do when they land there. Where I live stands a 10% change of winds over 58mph, but not over 74 mph.
I am probably not the best one to answer..others on here will offer better advice.
Just breaks my heart that siblings can cause such heart break when it comes to money. Hugs and prayers
Worried what your sister is doing is looking for a tax break, she's making it so you have to pay tax's on that money even though they are going to meet Mom's needs, if she insists on treating this like a business, return the favor, based on just 10.00 per hour, I come up with a salary just for you of 360.00 dollars per day, x your basic 30 day month, 10,800.00. I going to venture a guess here, you do not getting anything near that, an we still haven't added on meals, medical supplies and the cost of her room. Sis might want to reconsider her course of action.
I would try again to post to each of you, but I am still feeling beat.. did manage to sleep some last night..
IB
Take care of you, your a loving caring person who deserves it
Hope everyone had a good night although I see some have been visited by the computer trolls and one by an evil sister!!!!
starri....hope you have managed to put some distance between yourselves and the coming storm so that you don't even get rain. I can't begin to tell you the number of times I have written a book here only to have it disappear, then my fingers are too tired to do it again. But let us know how you are and what is happening in the camping world. Is hubby still among the living or buried in some brush somewhere?
worried........welcome and I'm so sorry your sister is being a butt.......plain and simple! I have never been able to figure out, although I'm sure there are valid reasons, why the person doing the care giving isn't the one controlling the finances. How does someone who is not there daily manage to be Lord and Master over the finances? And there is usually an ulterior motive.....I'm not saying that's the case here......but if you do the care, you should control the money. So, that being said, I would contact an elder care attorney and see what he has to say. Does your sister have legal, signed by a judge guardianship, POA or what? And why is she mad at you? Sounds to me like she is using this as way to jab at you, so in the meantime make sure that you keep a separate record of every dime coming in for mom, and every penny you spend on her, and make an appt with an attorney. Let us know how this all works out.
ib.......you got it...self-preservation.....isn't it a great feeling? You used that ugly word that I detest....GUILTY.... why oh why do people allow themselves to feel guilt just because you need to take some time for yourself? Whether you have given up your plans or put yourself and your own family on the back burner for a later day, your loved one is still going to be angry, hateful, forgetful, repetitive, happy, whatever their mental status is, so you have the option to either kill yourself over your loved one to keep GUILTY away, or preserve your own sanity so that you are able to deal with the above mentioned mental states. If the truth were known, I wonder how many lives and families have been torn to shreds over GUILTY and taking care of a family member? Congratulations girlfriend for having the stamina to stand up and save yourself and your family!!!!!!
ASG....surely you are not still cleaning.........where are you?
emjo......taking a hot bath probably......:)
ladee.....hope you slept last night. Any more storms blow up? 108 degrees is too hot, that's what it was here the other day, only around the middle 80's today.
seeme......when you take a break from putting everything away so it doesn't get blown away, give us a weather update. Is Kathy going to be able to hold the rehearsal outdoors tonight? That was nice of Debbie/Martha to do the flowers and decorations and to help get things ready.
John....I read your passionate post on the other thread and was thinking what you wrote....thanks. I hope you have gotten caught up on sleep and are feeling better. What's up for the weekend without kids at home? Dinner out maybe?
Vic, Shawna, YR, cwgrl, I'm not intentionally forgetting anyone......have only had one cup of coffee......let us know what's up with you please!
Love and Hugz to all,
Jam
As for hubby, well that is a different subject.. I am not going to be able to take six months of this shit..
I sure did miss all of you. Didn't write last nite cause i had too much stuff i had to get done. But i was in spirit in ac site. And there is no way i can read all of the posts from this past week so i will have to catch up on the current posts. Well I better get off of here and check on dad i will try to write again today and tonite!!! Love and hugs STORMYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Still working on getting food done for the reception. We should have 50 mph winds and 4-5 inches of rain.....it has already rained once from the outer bands. Also should come ashore earlier than expected, which will help things move along. Sis is leaving about 3 am for home. She may have some wind for an hour....will write more later.........
having conquered the water tank, gathered his stuff from an acreage where things were not secure and are disappearing G is off the the horses and other odd jobs so the house is quiet again -
I have been on the tub!!! :)
this a.m. I realised why I get tired when he is getting ready to go off on an expedition - got up at 7:30 and started cooking a big breakfast - bacon, french toast. various preserves, maple syrup, tea for him, coffee for me, then a half hour or more of conversation and stories - love it !!!, then cleaning up and helping him sort stuff, fielding phone calls and so on, then getting out food for him to take with him and packing it up (usually he does that but I don't mind as it gives me a chance to send the stored cookies, muffins etc his mum makes him - with him and on to other people who he stays with when he is away - otherwise they sit in the freezer for months. Made a dint in the stores this time! He left about noon and I had hardly sat down for 1/2 hr the whole time. Don't mind doing it at all as he does lots for me - just should not be surprised when I need a nap after he goes.
welcome back stormy!!! glad u have a great time - love the pics
welcome to worried - sibs can be dreadul and it usually is about $$$$ - hope you get some good legal advice - that is shameful of ur sib
ib - self preservation - definitely - have to preserve self or it all goes down the tube - I am with u
starri - u heading for seeme's spa??? - just enjoy the campfires -can u feed u and not him???
seeme - praying it all works out and u do not get more exhausted
john - good thread
shawna - hope those allergies get under control - is stress a factor???
vic - hugssss
mismiley - can you get any help so u can get a break? it is a very tough job and u are recovering from surgery??? that's a lot
ros - hope things are reasonable
ladee - bet u r looking forward to ur weekend and hope today with Sonny and Marie as OK - kisses to Diva for surviving another storm
whoever I have forgotten as my eyes droop shut, forgive me
sending all
love, hugs, and prayers ♥♥♥
jo
Have to see about supper at Kathy's or get a snack for mom........will check in later.
glad that the arrangements are going reasonably well - keep us posted
john, I bet u and wife r tired still - lots of driving and more but PEACE and QUIET at home ahhhh - good new thread
jam I forgt u on the last thread - I think because I have been thinking of you all day - had my nap and woke up and realised that I forgot u - will connect with u re my thoughts
hopefully the hurricane will not cause much damage or distress to anyone
my little local hurricane called mother has written that a cheque (written to her but not cashed - long story - not going to be cashed), and stored in an envelope in her desk inside some papers, has disappeared from her desk and I should do something about it. The envelope would not suggest that there was a cheque inside. I honestly feel that she is misplacing things due to forgetfulness - though I know that theft can happen from ALFs or anywhere. She has forgotten the correct amount of the cheque which reinforces my thoughts that it is her memory that is the problem.. I know she had someone nearby who will contact the ALF management about this, in any case. The lines between reality and fantasy are blurring...
I try to live my life without regrets and the fact that Seeme and Jam's kindness kept going thru my mind, was telling me this is an oppurtunity with him.... so, it's in God hands. Oh and don't know if I ever told ya'll what I want on my tombstone... "I've no regrets, and my credo is.... Lead me, follow me, or get the hell out of my way.." Following my gut and not my head always pays off...
Things came to a head for me today with Marie... here she is feeling bad, her hip is hurting, she is tired, and I really beleive she is depressed.... I am doing something in the kitchen, look in the living room and neither on of them there...., go back to the bedroom and they are both walking out.. is anything wrong??? In her whiney voice, no I just wanted to make sure Sonny got shaved today.... I went from 0 to 60 in one second!!!!!!stayed quite, finished what I was doing, took Sonny outside to do our "yard work", and I am seething.... ok, TODAY we are going to talk..... enough of this passive/aggresive sh^t...... she had argued earlier about how to take her pain meds, I just wallked out.... tension building....
Got clear in my mind what I wanted to say and we went back in, got Sonny settled and sat down and just started, no prelude, just the facts ma'am.... "Do you need someone else to come in here and take care of you and Sonny", shocked look, then" no, I am very sasified with you".... "Ok, but Marie, you can get a housekeeper for a lot less than you are paying me, I would have never taken this job if I had known I was only going to be cleaning and cooking".... a pitiful look on her face, again, " I am very satisfied with you".... " ok, then why won't you let me do my job? I am overqualified to be a housekeeper and you will not LET me do my job... you can get someone cheaper"......."I don't want to bother you",..... ok, I wasn't buying it, but let her have her say, which in many ways was good, because she talked about how she always did things for herself... in other words she let it all out about how helpless she feels, and that she is having trouble letting go..... I reassured her that it must be hard, and yes, there are many things that you can do for yourself and I want you to continue doing those things as long as you can... but you stress yourself out of your mind with Sonny when I am here to take care of him during the day to give you a break......... She is looking a tad beat down by now, but I did not change the tone of my voice..... Had the best try to manipulate me, and I divorced them all.....
So this goes back and forth for a few minutes, her finally talking about how she felt, and me standing my ground...... I listened, Jam saying I'm a counselor came to mind, and I said all the reassuring things..., but ended with me saying, well, you are going to have to let me do my job or get someone else because I am bored out of my mind.... she looked so stunned I almost started laughing, not in a mean way, just that I forget that other people usually don't speak thier mind like I do.... but it was time for honesty, time to put it all out there.... either that or I was going to start looking for another job..... I didn't say that to her, but she knew...
Ok, did I believe some of what she was saying, no, does it matter a hundred years from now, no, have I created a dependant monster, no, I will remind her of the things she can do for herself.... do I feel better getting it all out there,yes.... passive/aggresive never beats aggresive.... it's about me taking care of me now....
So we will see how things go... I did tell her she acts like she doesn't trust me... when I said somthing about her meds this morning, I asked her, why would I just come in here with some random statement about your meds.... she admitted how stubborn she is, well DUH.....I have already said I am not doing the BG thing again, and I'm not...
Worried, sorry your sib doesn't get it, hope you get an elder care lawyer and stand up for yourself.....
Vic, have you looked in the mirror today and told yourself how awesome you are??? NO, well, I'm telling you how awesome you are... love ya.
ib4, smart lady, and ya know what?? I wonder how much of the time it is guilt or toxic shame that we feel? That kind of shame tells us we are bad women or men for taking care of ourselves, not that we are making a good choice to take care of ourself....Both of those feelings keep us feeling like we are "bad and wrong", and keep us on a hamster wheel. Most of us were never taught that taking care of ourself was a GOOD thing.... so you just keep on keepin on and do what is neccessay to take care of YOU..
John, hope you and your wife adjust to an empty house.. it will be harder on your wife, her baby is in college and she is imagining all sorts of horrors that can befall him... give her lots of extra hugs this weekend... and take care of yourself....
stormy, WELCOME BACK ya beach bum.... loved the pics of little man, his face said it all, he was having a great time....glad you are back, we missed ya..
Shawna, hope you are feeling better soon... love ya
Starri, just load up the camper, unhook the bike, and make the rounds visiting all of us... let him sleep with his bike. jackass!!!!!
Seeme, sorry about mom throwing another TIA, but at least now your sis won't go home stupid as to what you do on a daily basis..... hope the wedding goes off well.... maybe they will name thier first kid Irene..... even if it's a boy....
Jam, no weekend help yet...... I'll be thinking about you as I am taking as many naps as I can this weekend... and no more rain... they are saying by the middle of Sept, the high that has been over us for months will start to move out...... Like I said, I am NOT doing another Texas summer like this again next year...So we will just have to have a lottery drawing for who needs help and I will just go to the winners house and work... as long as it is cool... or at least not 108!!!!!!!
Emjo, I would think the house being quite is good for awhile, if you are used to having a man around, then it would get lonesome.... I would be just the opposite, I would get lonesome for my solitude........
So, love you all, keep Bonnie O in your prayers, Hospice has been called in, and for Ted, to stay safe from the storm...been there done that, nothing fun about it...
Later, and hugs across the miles...sorry if I missed anyone, all you have to do is post, "what about me".... later
re ur son and Marie for that matter - it's not the rules that matter but that the heart rules - or follow ur guts is another way of saying it - found especially with those kind of problems that it works
do I miss my solitude sometimes - Oh YES!!! do I miss G sometimes - yes - both of us need our own space quite a bit so it works - he heads off to the horses or the hills or whatever and I get my piece of quiet here at home - when we are together we are very together and when we are apart we connect a bit but don't worry about one another too much - really my first experience of having my own life and having a man in it too
we will try to get away for a few days before he goes back to work and out ot camp for 10 day stretches of 24/7 again
seems to be feast or famine but it works
starri - how is it going -a little worried about you
((((hugs))))