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Oregon; I agree with Book; nothing you say will change your daughter's mind about her husband, and it will only damage your relationship with you.

That being said, there are many folks who change careers these days in mid-life; there are many folks who worked less than stellar jobs during the financial crisis which started in 2008. Don't know if either of these applies to this situation, but the marriages of others are mysterious to outsiders. Step back.
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It's almost 2am and I'm wide awake. I made the mistake - intentionally - of drinking that 2nd cup of coffee this afternoon. My eyes are tired but my brain is too active. I'm going to shower and maybe try reading a book while lying down. Hopefully I will fall asleep.
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It worked. Came on AC, read a few threads, was even one finger typing a comment when I fell asleep. I don't think I finished typing my answer...

More auto problems. I aggressively sought out my nephew about it. Road wet only problem when turning left sharply - hear grinding noise on front passenger area and very difficult to turn steering wheel. Can't turn sharply but widely. He asked when was the last time I changed the brake pads. Never. So I will buy those and he will install it. My tires are new and so that's not it.

I told him there's a terrible acid smell coming out of the air conditioner. So I'm to buy a condensor flush and hopefully this will stop the smell.
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Book, is this a front wheel drive car? If so have a mechanic check the CV joints on the front axles. They go bad, make noise do weird things. Could also be serious front end stuff like ball joints, or tie rod ends. Be careful driving this thing.
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Thanks, WindyR. I want to try the brake pads first. If I'm still having problems, I will go back to the mechanic and have them take over the troubleshooting. And see if they come up with the CV, ball joints, tie rods,etc...

FYI, I've had this problem for years. I've taken it to the dealership when it was still under warranty and they couldn't imitate the problem in order to fix it. I've taken it to other mechanics and have been told it's not the tires, not alignment, not steering wheel fluid, etc... Can't find the problem without doing expensive repairs as process of elimination. Last mechanic shop, Not the dealership, said it will cost $1300-some. I'm going to try first the brake pads. If it's still having problems, I'm forced to do the 1300.00-some option. I don't make enough to keep doing trial and error expensive repairs. Thanks for the input.
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New author I'm reading is - a comic writer. Girl Genius series by Phil and Kaja Foglio. After reading several hours online on the free comic series, I am Still struggling on how to read comics. I get confused on who's talking, and I keep reading it out of sequence - which confuses me more. I have to remember, I think, to read everything from left to right and Not from left to right top to bottom. I think it would be sooo much easier if they color code their 'talking'. You know, main female character is light red, baron is light blue, etc.. Then I don't have to trace where the talk is originating from. Just the color itself will let me know that she's talking, he's talking... Just color code each page. It doesn't have to a permanent red for her, and blue for him. Just make it red for speaker 1, blue for speaker 2, yellow for speaker 3, etc..Per Page! Sounds logical, to me!
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My goodness Book the convolutions in your mind never cease to amaze me.
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Today I am stressed out. My wife and I had the same argument we have had nearly every day for the last three years.my mother in law lives with us and has Alzheimer's. She cannot remember anything beyond a minute it seems. Hygiene is pretty much out the window with my MIL and she is fixated on the kitchen. She wants to do the dishes whether washing or setting the table. Her version of washing is rinse under cold water,rub with fingers,dry,and put away. She will take things off the table during a meal to try and get to the sink. I own a restaurant and I take hand washing and dishwashing very seriously knowing the outcome of either not being done correctly can have dire consequence. I tell my MIL to leave the things in the sink alone and that I will do them. My wife will say half heartedly to her mother to please leave the dishes. My MIL will ignore her and then I have to step in which leads to hurt feelings. My MIL also needs eye drops twice a day which need to absorb for about ten minutes. My MIL for the last several months has taken to wiping her eyes immediately after the drops go in which negates the medicines effect. I say to my wife that my mil wiped her eyes and she will say forget it. The drops are important as her vision is poor already. I am at my wits end. I am going to my business and bringing home paper ware and plastic cutlery to use. I am through arguing .
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Jim; Back in February 2015 you posted about your MIL and, as with one voice, we said "It's time for AL, if not Memory Care".

What moves have you made towards that goal? Are you waiting for one of you to come down with E.Coli? Perhaps you'll get it and take it to your restaurant, where you'll be closed down by the Dept of Health and fined.

Something needs to change here. MIL is a danger to herself and others. She can no longer be in a home environment; she needs professional caregiving and a controlled environment. What part of that doesn't your wife understand?
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Jim, how would it go if you did the dishes pre-emptively and asked your MIL to "help" - firmly handing her a clean towel to do the drying? Or buy a dishwasher!?!?

For the drops, I'd suggest your wife make a ritual of it: get a glamorous eye shield in pink or black satin, or whatever might appeal to MIL, and combine the drop insertion with a little "beauty sleep" so that your MIL lies down for half an hour or so. Having said that, if the drops sting or run this will be quite the battle - have a clean, soft cloth to hand to blot any excess away, try music or something to distract MIL's attention, and beyond that try not to worry about following the instructions to the letter - you can only do your best.

But these are only sticking plaster ideas, I realise. Have you and your wife had that Big Conversation about other options for your MIL's long term care?
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Yes JimL I'm sure a dish washer is Your best option, but load it Yourself. I always load Our dish washer and I rinse off the plates and saucers first placing the smaller in the middle and the large at the back so the hot water can get every thing when the wash is on. Rinsed cups and drinking glasses on top. Washing and drying dishes and ware three or four times every day is a dreadful waiste of time. The dish washer is the answer to all of Our Prayer's.
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JimL, is the reason that MIL is still at home because someone is determined to keep her home, and not go to AL or Memory Care? You do know that it's going to get worse, right? My dad is not deeply into senility yet. He became noticeably senile after his stroke about 3 years ago. Anyway, he uses the washcloth to dig it inside his pamper to scoop out the poop and either hangs the wash cloth on the hospital bed's side railing or he throws it on the floor. Then he insists vehemently that it's NOT Poop but DIRT. I'm emphasizing this to you - because when your MIL reaches this stage, no reasoning will make her understand that going to the bathroom to poop, wiping and getting some of it on her hands, then to go to the kitchen and touch all the drawers, cabinets, oven, fridge, etc.. is unsanitary. It Will Not Register because her brain cells/synapses are dying.

Lecturing her will not work at all because she does not Comprehend the concept of 'cleanliness'. Paper products sounds good to me. I'd hide My stash from her.

But we all know that she's been touching the kitchen. So, you will just need to do some rearranging. Pack away all extra plates/pots/utensils except what you need for daily. Pack it where she cannot have access to it. Then, before you or wife cooks or drink, you will sanitize the whole area quickly. Have handy a large pack of Clorox Wipes. Grab it, wipe quickly the fridge door-sides-handle, the kitchen faucet, the stove knobs. Any pots/pans/mug to be used - rewash it again.

When MIL 'washes' the dishes, you will need to re-do ALL of it - when she's not around - like when she's in the bedroom or livingroom, etc... Rewash it and hide it high (or low) so that it's out-of-sight-out-of-mind. I'd also keep a box of latex gloves handy. This way, when you're doing the quick wipes with the Clorox Wipes, you will also be using the gloves. This way, your bare hands won't pick up any nasties.
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Ahem, Veronica, does that mean that the color-coding of the comic strip characters is not logical? I have a d*rn headache from reading those comics for hours. I got home and eagerly continued where I left off. I'm still not reading it right. When I try to read it all from left to right, I still get confused - because now the d*rn writer decides to make the sentences and responses go from left to right, and top to bottom. Then the next comic frame, I did that, and this time the writer decided to do it from left to right.

I think the comic writers have the convoluted mind. And if their fans are able to follow it fine, then they, too, have convoluted minds.... I've been seriously wondering if I should send the Foglio's a suggestion about color-coding their comics. They would be Unique from All the Other Comic writers by uniquely color-coding their characters' talking cloud. So far, I've been able to restrain myself frm doing that... They might come back and say that I'm the ONLY one who seems to have problem following a comic strip story...
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Book thinly comics I read these days are the 'funnies" in the newspaper and they are black and white. I don't recall color coding in a regular comic. All the characters have balloons pointing to their mouths so it doesn't seem difficult to follow. I don't know whether I am understanding you properly or not or maybe it has something to do with our different cultures and the fact that I am at least 25 years older than you.
An interchange between you and the Folios, whoever they are, might make for interesting reading. In the meantime give up the comics they are only giving you a headache.
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Should have read "the only comics I read.."
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My brother was a comic book aficionado back in his teens, (which was a long long time ago) so I've read a comic book or two, I can't imagine the format has changed that much. You need to completely read each cell/frame/picture of the story, then move on to the next one. Usually the words at the top of the cell come before those below. The story is mostly told through pictures and conversational dialogue, although sometimes there is a narrative thrown in to fill in some of the back story.
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When I was a teen, I used to buy the Archie comic books. Very simple and easy to read. I even bought several of my favorite author's comic book versions of her paperback books. I had no problem. The Girl Genius comics are ... very modern time versions. It's one strip with lots of people talking and so you have several clouds floating - even hopping over someone's head to continue the ongoing conversation. It's okay. I'm hooked on it. But I think it's ruining my vision. When I go to work the next day, my computer is blurry and my eyes are very painful to the touch. Anyway, I enjoy the comics very very much.

In all the times that I've taken care of my dad, only ONE time have I actually charged him $20.00. I live in his house and we split the cost of the bills. His retirement income is more than my paychecks. That One time I charged him, he had poop all over him, front, back, bedding, etc... My dad has not been diagnosed with dementia. He PRETENDS to be hard of hearing. But his hearing is so sharp, that he is always the first to hear someone outside. So, just because he says his poop is dirt, I know he knows it's not. He has always been a proud man. Of course he's not going to admit that he touched his poop. When I post here that I'm going to charge him - I don't - because it wasn't as bad as I thought.
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Book, I worry about you. I figured you would have a sizeable stash of money by now from all the times your dad has done that. What will happen to you when he is gone, will you be like so many on here who do all the work and watch their sibs walk in and get all the money after it is over? If it takes something like his terrible behaviours for you to allow yourself to be paid then by all means Take The Money!
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It does not feel right for me to take his money as long as I'm working. Plus, if he decides to follow mom's mother, and accuse me of stealing his money to the authorities, I can still look at the judge's eyes and honestly say I didn't need to touch his money. I paid my portion of the rent by paying some bills + caregiving. I can show by dad's bank account the balance before his stroke (he had control) vs. after the stroke (I took over). My dad's bank history would show he has never had that much before. Cwillie, all my actions in life is based on my conscience. I do make sure that dad pays oldest sister for babysitting him on the weekdays while I work. Yes, I worry what will happen to me when he dies....

I think he's going through a different health crisis. Drives me crazy that I can hear his Chest wheezing. I've always thought that when you wheeze, it comes from the mouth. His chest makes whistling sounds - especially when I lower the bed's head angle so I can change his pamper. I never lowered the bed completely flat - even when it was mom (when she was alive). I told the home care nurse, who listened to dad's chest with the stethoscope and found nothing. I've since then been googling...
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The home care nurse already did their weekly visit with dad. I will need to remember to leave a note for them that dad is coughing more. Chest is wheezing more. Sometimes the wheezing sounds like a whistling noise. Or air coming out of a balloon. It really doesn't matter, though. Dad is so stubbornly against going to the clinic/ER. But for my peace of mind, I will leave a note and have the nurse listen again to his chest.
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Book nurse should listen to Dad's chest and heart on every visit. Lots of other things that should be done but probably are not!
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bookluvr, My dad had the same whistling/wheezing noise coming from his chest, and the home visit nurse couldn't hear it. When he went to the ER, they heard it very clearly, and it turned out that he had a fluid buildup in his chest caused by his heart condition (congestive heart failure). He was hospitalized for several days to get the problem and other issues under control. I don't want to be an alarmist, but I think that a doctor might hear the wheezing even if the nurse doesn't. Dad didn't want to go to the hospital, either, but eventually he was so ill that we called 911, and then the paramedics and I were able to convince him to go to the ER.
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Thanks. He's had pneumonia before where his left lung was almost full of fluid. For weeks he refused to go to the clinic or ER. I begged the 911 to send ambulance even though I said he would refuse. They came, asked questions to determine his mental awareness and told me that they can't do anything if he refuses help. I then called APS and got same response. Who then referred me to an elder law attorney who in turn said the same thing. I finally went to the insurance company of the clinic to ask if they can allow my dad's doctor to do home visit. And was very firmly told no. She then gave me a number to call -APS.
In the end, I had to wait for the pain to get so bad that he finally agreed to go.

But I didn't hear wheezing noises that time. He just had lots of coughing and green phlegm. This time it's that wheezing noise. Before, it was only when I lowered the bed. Now it's happening more whether he's up or down. Coughing more.

I'm going to tell sis that when dad coughs hard (where he almost died-his words), she will suggest that we go to the clinic. From what I understand, he coughs more in the daytime. Hmmmm. I wonder if it's happening when the govt caregivers come to sponge bath him and lowers the head of the bed completely flat?
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Dear bookluvr, What a nightmare that must have been. Sometimes it seems as though people (stubborn, sick people) are their own worst enemies. My dad really dislikes being in the hospital, but he doesn't mind going to the doctor. He now is taking Lasix every day to minimize the fluid buildup, but every once in awhile it gets out of control anyway.
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Just been catching up on this thread. Book, you deal with so much with your dad, I don't know how you do it, especially considering all the childhood stuff you had to deal with. And I certainly understand about you nkt wanting to do the onesie thing! We each need to pick our battles. With your Dad's aggressive tendenciesmhe would go nuts in a onesie. I think the only thing that would work to keep your Dad's hands out of where they shouldn't be is a straight jacket! But, then we go to the restraint stuff again which would get you in trouble for sure! I say that only half joking, as I KNOW you would never do anything to harm your dad. I wish there was a simple solution to your Dad's poop issue, but there is not jnowing what I have come to know of him and his anger over the past almost four years. Only you can or should make the decisions for your Dad. Trust your instincts, they are absolutely correct. You know his anger and tolerance level for change. And a change to a onesie woukd no doubt drive every body to madness in that house. I completely agree with you it is not a battle I would fight either! You are doing a wonderful job caring for your Dad and that is all any of us can do. When others offer suggestions they try to be helpful and many of us become hurt by comments and suggestions of others often because of the way they are said. None of us should be questioning what another caregiver's decision is in any care related issue.

So, Book, you just keep on keeping on, all you can do is your best and your dad knows that on some level. You are doing a job, and have already done many more years than any if us! Do not question your own decisions, they are only yours to make, you are the one with the experience, and many years of it caring for your folks.
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AngelJoy, you are sooooo fortunate that your dad is willing to go to his doctor! My dad - even when he was normal - has always hated going to the doctor and dentist. He would go yearly for his annual in which his doctor would do a 1 year RX for his high blood pressure. And that was that. Now, it's pure struggle to get him to go annually for his Medicare requirement for the home nurse visits.
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Glad - when dad had his major poop disaster where I almost walked out permanently, so many people here gave me different suggestions. Onesies was one of it. I remember some mentioned taping his pants, etc... The thing is that if he cannot have access to his body, he will be very angry by the time I change his pamper. I cannot change his pamper and handle his hitting/kicking me. Second, he's bedridden from a stroke. His left side is very weak. Both left arm and leg are crooked and can barely move. I have tried to exercise/massage his left side but he doesn't want me to exercise his limbs because it 'hurts'. He rather leave it in one position - not hurting. So, just putting on his tshirt and slacks are a struggle - especially sneaking the catheter bag/hose down or out of the pant leg. This will take all my concentration without having to also struggle with him trying to kick/punch me because I blocked his access.

Now just because oldest sis is here with us, doesn't mean she will help me with the pampers. When I was changing both bedridden (vegetative-state) mom and dad's pampers, sis will just walk by without helping me. I have asked several times for her help. I had to stack pillows on top of mom, behind her back,etc... to hold her in place while she's on her side, so that I can clean her behind. Now that there's only dad now, nothing has changed. Sis will walk by as if she doesn't see us. If I'm home, she passes us, and ignores dad's call to her. Because she's 'off'. And it's now my shift.

Look, more things happen here at home that I don't discuss here online. I've learned in the past here on AC what happens when you all read my situation and get frustrated when I refuse to put him in NH or if I refuse to pack up my bag and leave. When I first found this site, I needed to vent all my anger, hatred of life, bitterness and resentment. I posted so much detail that it was incomprehensible on why I stay here. I have tried to explain over and over. And in the end, several of you told me that it's just cultural difference/outlook.

Glad, thank you! =)
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Bookluvr, We really are fortunate that Dad doesn't mind going to the doctor. He actually, in my opinion, enjoys it to some extent. I've been feeling frustrated that, even if he doesn't get sick even once this year, we are on the hook for 19 medical/dental appointments for him (we provide all of his transportation, we don't pay for his appointments), but if he refused medical treatment it would be much worse (because he has to have a B12 shot once a month, no matter what).
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Book, I was here when you first started AC, I know that scared, suicidal 'little girl' that found her way here... and who you are today is absolutely amazing. Other than your own personal progress, I am so proud of the way you help others.
I simply feel that you do what most do when venting, just venting.... and you don't sugar coat anything.... like Glad said, you are the only one who can make those choices for you and your dad....I am not your dad and would go berserk in a onesie.... and your dad still has say so in his life...so keep venting about what others here vent about.... You know how much I love you and we have been friends from the beginning....so with that being said.... I simply love you, respect you for you, not just your caregiving.... sending you lots of love and hugs.
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Did you know that if you get the flashing lights warning you of an impending migraine just before going to sleep at night, and if you fall asleep while it's flashing .. that when you wake up in the morning - the flashing light will continue where it left off last night? Yep, it does. I fell asleep with it growing wider but in mid-range. When I woke up this morning, at the midrange size - it then continued to grow wider. I had to lay there and wait for it to expand so wide that I no longer see it.

I have the migraine all day today...
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