This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Pam, I'm so glad for you and hubby! Enjoy yourselves as much as possible while mom is away. I read your comments earlier but didn't want to jinx it. I'm so glad that it worked out!
As you know, bro and I are trying to get POA before dad worsens. For the past few weeks, while we're trying to get things done, every time I was changing his pamper at nights, my guts kept telling me to talk to dad about POA. I kept ignoring my guts. Then one night, a few nights ago, I could no longer ignore it. It was this overwhelming urge to talk to dad about it. In a round-about way, I told dad about how it's so difficult lately for me to deal with the bills, etc... without POA. I asked him what did he think about me being POA? At first, he didn't want it because of what his brother's wife did to him. So, I reassured dad that I would not do that to him. His money is his, the house is still his, the land is still his, etc.. All the POA is for - is to help make decisions with his money. So, he was okay with that.
Today, when I came home, he was mumbling on and on. I wasn't listening until I heard my name. He said a big lady (big as in important) came today and talked to him about... In frustration, he said that what I mentioned to him the other night. POA? Yes, that one. Anyway, he told me tonight that he does not want bro to have POA because he's a thief. So, I told dad that we need another POA because if something happens to me, then we have a back-up POA. So, he is willing for my fave sis to be the 2nd POA.
D*rn! I was hoping bro would be also POA. All well, it's better to have a POA than not. I'm Not Sure if the POA is going to happen. Trying to get the story out of my dad was like pulling teeth - and it coming out like a puzzle with missing pieces. Anyway, he said that the lady told him that it's okay. She will talk to me. My dad said he was surprised that the lady knows me (because she mentioned my name).
The one thing that concerned my dad about the POA when I brought it up the other night - was that the lawyer cost is going to be very expensive. He was so worried about that. Tonight, he was soooo happy when he told me that the big lady told him that it's Free. He's so glad that he doesn't have to pay for it. Me, too!
P.S. the lawyer's office is coordinated with the senior citizen government office. That same office was the one that helped set up all these years of the gov't caregivers to come 4 hours a week. We broke down that visit to a one hour, 4 day visits to sponge bathe him.
If I wasn't stressed enough what with mum, selling and buying property and now the move I am now..
Hoping you will stay calm, and like Stacey says, carry on.
Talk later, after you have visited.
I told on top of my voice, over-riding fave sis objections about POA, that I want a back up POA because when I kill my damn self, that there will be still a POA for dad. Sis gave me that look as if I was a 'drama queen'.
Yes, I tried to cry for help from fam by telling them that I'm googling how to commit suicide without pain. I emailed all of them that I found the perfect suicide. I finally sought therapy when I chose the date, where to do it. Therapist told me to tell my family about it - how I might die or end up in the hospital. I told him they don't care. He insisted. I texted all my sibs. Nothing. Next therapy, he asked. I said that no one responded at all. He hit the table, and said aloud firmly, "your family doesn't love you!" I knew that. It hurt when he said it because I was always telling myself that they did love me - that they just don't show it. But when he said this to me, I had to admit the truth. If they loved me, they would have covered the weekends so that I can off island for a weekend getaway, etc.. Actions speak louder than words.
I yelled this out today. And no one responded. What they don't know is - that I used to give my treasured possessions to them. For the past few weeks, I've been slowly cleaning my bedroom. Instead of giving it to them, I've been throwing it away. They always take my stuff for free. Now, I rather throw it away. And I've been doing it.
I read your post. Even though migraines are painful, they last and last, then reoccur, suicide is never a viable option. There is a treatment for headaches, you just haven't found it yet. You have to be patient and take a trip to Hawaii for treatment. Book yourself a flight, Book.
It is not necessary for your family to love you-many families live in circumstances where there is no love lost between them. Maybe it is not you, but their selfish inability to love others at all.
I know that I have come to love you-and there are others on here who are like an extended family for you. Can that be enough for now? Put those thoughts of suicide away-do not entertain them again. There are other ways.
Btw, I dislike your therapist a whole lot, but keep going anyway.
Feeling a bit better yet?
....
I just know that suicide will be contra to your upbringing and your culture. Whilst not religious I know that it is said that God only gives us what he knows we can cope with...and he doesn't get it wrong sweetheart. What you need is a break from all of this. You need medication for severe depression even though you may recognise it I think perhaps we all do. Come here and vent, come here and rant, come here and know that we are here for you xxxxx
Yours has been the most difficult of paths that I could imagine but we are here for you stay and breathe deeply.
I took this unashamedly from a self help site on grounding techniques
Tell yourself you are having a flashback or anxiety attack and that this is okay and normal. The worst is over - it happened in the past, but it is not happening now....at this very moment in time
Tell yourself: That was then, and this is now. However terrible you feel right now, you survived the awfulness then even if then was only seconds ago, which means you can survive and get through what you are remembering now.
Open your eyes and put a light on (if it's dark).
Look around the room, notice the colours, the people, the shapes of things. Make it more real.
Listen to and really notice the sounds around you: the traffic, voices, washing machine, music etc.
Notice your body, the boundary of your skin, how your clothes feel on your skin, movement in your hair as you move your head, really feel the chair or floor supporting you - how that feels in your feet, your legs, your body.
Pinch yourself - that feeling is in the now, the things you are re-experiencing happened in the past. That was then, and this is now.
Stand up and put your feet firmly on the ground
Move about: stretch, stamp your feet, jump up and down, dance, run on the spot, rub your arms and legs, clap your hands, walk, remind yourself where you are right now.
Use 5,4,3,2,1: Think about 5 things you can see, 4 things you can hear, 3 things you can touch (and touch them), 2 things you can smell or like the smell of, and 1 slow, deep breath.
I have done all I know how to do and I will support my sons decisions in this. For now I am just going to be thankful for the time I had with him and will have with my son, and hopefully but not necessarily my grandson.
I can't possibly thank you all enough for your amazing suggestions and ideas (the one about the hit man I particularly liked, ashamed that I am to say it). I wouldn't have made it through the day without you all so thank you my virtual friends you mean so much to me xxxxxx
So many love you here, me included. Sending ((hugs))
If you are sole PoA and something happens to you, the authrities will step in and get guardianship of dad, yes? And the family property will fund his care instead of being "stolen" by your uncaring family. What's wrong with that?