This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
It is very tempting when the pain gets bad. You see a long gentle sleep like going under an anesthetic and never waking up. The things Jude said are very true. It is not usually that simple. You save up the pills maybe add some alcohol just to be sure and when everyone has gone to bed slip into your room and lie down. Next thing you know you are being thrown around the room having a seizure and then vomiting everything back up. The seizure has made so much noise that dad wakes up and calls oldest sis who panics and calls 911. You are still unconscious but can hear the EMTs saying things like "stupid bitch" as the ram the IV into your arm. On to the ER with sirens screaming, oldest bro hears and sis tells him that happened.
Next thing the ER nurse is forcing a tube down your throat and she is not too gentle about it because she is a good Catholic and knows how you have sinned.
I know you are desperate Book many others have gone down that path but i don't think it is something you actually want to do. No you don't that is why you are telling us, You are pleading for help. We will help you in any way we can. We could even call 911 for you. Don't know where you live but could get in touch with the govt agency. Do know what kind of work you do and there can't be many businesses like that on your island. Several of us know the location of your island and what your first name is. I know someone who knows what your religion is so maybe we can contact the elders in your church. I also know someone who has spent many years on your island and still goes back and forth. I bet he would know who the girl with the red hair in a certain business is. So you see we can all close in on you Book and extend the hands of love to help you get through this.
Walk away, right now, tell the family you need to go and they have to care for Dad while you are gone. Go off island and check yourself into a psych facility, I don't know where the closest decent place is. maybe Hawaii. Even the mainland. You still have that ticket and you must get the help. I love you Book along with all the others here and we need you
I am aware that most attempted suicides backfire and you're left off worse than before. I've spent a year researching suicides. I finally found the perfect one.
I'm fine. I was just so angry with my sister. She will make a terrible POA. Unfortunately dad doesn't trust my brother and I don't blame him. I'm tired of my head going around and around - work, dad, work, dad.
I'm so sorry.....
It seems to me that your father needs professional caregiving. Not that you're doing a bad job, it's not that at ALL. But this IS KILLING YOU. You need not a weekend; you need to have your life back. You need to be able to go off island to get medical care for your allergy/immune system/migraine issues. As far as I can see, your siblings don't deserve to inherit anything from your father.
Thank you for checking in with us.
Is there something we can do for you? Do you want us to call someone for you?
Can you provide someone with contact information?
Love from Send.
Tell us about your new therapist. Is he using CBT, Cognitive behavioral therapy?
Has he told you about All or Nothing thinking?
Life is way too serious to be taken seriously.
Maybe the woman cannot get or be a POA, that is okay too!
Set that aside for now, stop worrying one's self to death!
Would hate to think that our lives, and that of our parents depended upon a single document. If just doesn't!
Nice share, Stacey. You are always so generous.
I have to say that the information about carers in need must be out there via social services etc but it could be so well used to benefit these people with just a small amount of investment.
Just imagine being able to type in a zip code and seeing everything that is freely available to you locally - free being the issue. I am sure that many sellers of aid would pay to advertise on this sort of site - it just needs someone with expertise to set it up
Another thought. When you tell your siblings that you need a break and are done, you seem to be waiting for their permission to go. "To ask permission is to seek denial". You are not POA. You are not legally responsible for your father, are you? Inform them that you are leaving and LEAVE.
Love from Send.
I try to call her at least 3 times a week and discuss every detail of her life with her, her health cand safety concerns (she has a physical disability) - to share and show that I care - and also to tlak over problems, share stories etc.
The last time we spoke I was having a terrible problem of my own I wanted to discuss with her. She called me, we discussed every manner of issue she had. When the conversation turned to my concerns, she said she had a lunch date and could not talk to me. I was so upset. Then she said I did not care about her (because I wanted to talk to her and she was more concerned about her lunch date) and she said "you don't care about me".
That's it in a nutshell. She knows I will not be making a trip down there so it does not seem to matter to her any more what I do to try and make her happy. "You don't care about me" is her attitude. I have done so much for her over the years it is difficult to hear her say that. We have not spoken since then, about 2 weeks ago.
Doing 'okay' my side. Mom's a little more cray-cray my side but nothing I can't handle this side. Just worried about you.
Hugs back to you, you deserve it!