This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
That's just goofy to me but it's her life. Do what you feel you have to do. She makes sure I feel guilty for sleeping until 6 in my life.
But you know what? I don't feel guilty. That guilt went away. I don't know when it happened over the past 5 plus years, but it did.
I never was responsible for my mom's bad choices in life and I finally GOT that.
I will be there for her and am. I see her on Wednesdays and my husband and I take her out to lunch on Sunday. I provide everything for her including evening meals for the naysayers. I also call EVERY day.
I'm 20 minutes away. Just can't see her. it's too toxic.
While you're researching, you will learn what to see when you visit mom, how to respond, etc... BUT, if you don't have time to do research, please Google: Teepa Snow's YouTube videos. They are short videos but very very educational.
Have you seen this topic on the Home page when you first found this site? Signs Your Parent Needs Help:
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/signs-your-parent-needs-help-143228.htm
Windy, hopefully it's just because she woke up.
Lately, my dad's been slurring his words. Forgetting what he wants to say. I have a feeling we may not be able to get the POA in time. I've stopped panicking about that. If we miss the opening door, then we missed it. I'll just continue to wing it as I usually do.
On my last visit to withdraw funds from dad's account, the teller asked me if we can update the account. If my dad and I can come into together.. I told her that he's bedridden and we cannot even get him to the dentist. She would like dad to put a beneficiary on his bank account. She said that if something were to happen to him, the bank would freeze the account and see who's the heirs. Whereas, if he has a beneficiary.... So, I came home and asked dad if he wanted to put beneficiaries. He said yes. He wants it to go to me and oldest sis since we're the ones taking care of him. {{rolling eyes}} The bank will be calling me on Monday with all the updated information. Then we will set up a time where i can be home and have a phone conference with them so that dad can confirm that he does want to have a beneficiary for his account.
MCWatz, if you think dementia is becoming an issue you need to check on the status of Mom. Does she have all of the necessary documents in place? Powers of Attorney, Do Not Resusicate, Living Will etc? These are very important to have should something happen to mom to become incompetent or some sudden medical event.
Yes, you should go see her. Get her to the doc for complete evaluation and an elder law attorney to help get things in order. If dementia, there are some causes that are treatable, and many that are not and the disease is progressive it will only continue to worsen not get better.
Maybe visit continnum of care communities to find something that she likes. She may be ready to move now, though most are not; they think they can continue to care for themselves when in fact that is not reality. They do not understand that they need help and many remain in denial until the disease progresses to the point that they think they are just fine and there is not a problem. Best wishes as you proceed, this is a very difficult time for all involved.
We save the medicare and medicaid over 80 billion dollars a year. I am not paid nor is over 30 million other hard working caregivers. Yes the suicide rate is at 50 percent and climbs more each day. Some families have money to place their loved one in a dementia facility or NH. I don't and either does the majority either. Networking and standing up (when u want to fall over) , I'll be there fighting. Just support is all i ask.
Yes, im angry. Enough to not let it happen to those of us giving our entire existence for those we love.
Its healthy to use anger to help better the world. More people shouldnt be afraid to get angry as long as its used to do good. This is bigger then my issue its a natl issue. Everyday that passes remember the caregiver who decided there was no other way out but suicide. I have experienced loss of two caregiver friends who took their own lives by a gun to the head.
So this may be too much for most of you but mark my word. In 2 years caregivers will have so many agencies crawling into thier private life and you'll see the suicide rate skyrocket. Thats not even talking about thier kids and loved ones and their pain.
Say what you want about me. It really doesnt bother me because what im starting here is the right thing for all of us who hurt so much from exaustion and no end in sight. Caregivers of America wont be mistreated as long as we start making noises.
I wonder who is making reports to APS in Jilly's situation? If it's family being mean, I'd ship the elder off to them in a heartbeat!
If the elder themselves was reporting abuse, that would be a clear indicator that i needed to leave.
I don't like being in this place. These are wonderful people in my life. They mean a lot to me. I just, well, fantasize about doing that myself sometime and know it's not reality. Instead I get to take care of their cat.
I have crazy mom and a kid in college. No money for fun at all. Dining out is even a no go. I know some folks are worse off than I am. My dog has Cushings disease, my brother overseas has syringomyealia (only sib). He is in a really bad place. He was my rock but is falling apart due to his problems. It's hard. Sometimes it just is bad. I've done bad before. Just be with me with encouraging words. I love you AC friends.
Now getting you to feed their cat, then coming back with all the fun stories and pictures is just plain insensitive. I think coming home with a great present to thank you would be so much better. I mean, they would have had to board the cat if you hadn't taken care of him/her. That can be big money.
I am so sorry about your brother and your dog. Wish we could fix things for each other and make them better. I hope a big ((((cyberhug))) helps a little bit.
Mom asked me what her name is? Who's her father and why did she have a different last name from him.. I told her she married my father and showed her wedding picture.. She said "Oh he's a good looking fella"? Lol.. Yes he was!
I'm sure she'll become more alert later in the day...
Just a first for me!
My mom was always shocked when she found out she had remarried. It was not until she was 80, that memory is long gone. The most difficult of this was when she would accuse her hubby of lying about the marriage. And that was very, very hard for him and he is actually sort of insulted that my mom does not use his last name.
Like she would have had sex without being married!
funny! and it was the sleeping together thing with my Mom, since she didn't think they were married, she knew she certainly should not be sleeping with him. Before their move, I was considering furnishing another bedroom, convert a sitting room or office to a bedroom for those nights when mom would become agitated so she would not have to sleep with him.