This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
In the past, my dad is very verbally mean and cruel to me when he's in the hospital. He's nice to all my siblings but not when it's me. Even the doctor and the nurses gently reprimanded him - and it just pissed him off more. So, he's all by himself at the hospital and I just do very very short visits. Once he gets verbally abusive, I just walk out the door.
I sure feel for you all. It's awful when they're like that.
In January, I was telling the dental front desk about how I can bring bedridden dad there. He absolutely refuses to get on the wheelchair - even when he was at the hospital. They had to drag the whole bed down to the xray department because dad absolutely refuse to let that big hulking male nurse transfer him to the wheelchair. The dentist receptionist jokingly asked, "Why is he so afraid of falling? Did you drop him?" I did Not find that funny at all - when she said, "Just joking!"... I hope karma visits her and see if she finds those kind of remarks as funny.
College, that must be really reassuring and less stress over your mom being so near and yet likes her new home. It really makes a difference to Not have to split your attention in half. The Health & Rehab has the majority of her caregiving. You can concentrate on hubby. When my dad had a stroke in May, my last doctor's visit was in April, and dad became bedridden. I was suddenly by myself, full time and 2 bedridden parents. None of my 7 siblings offered help. I was able to get jobless sis to come and babysit - with pay. My next doctor's visit was in October - and my cholesterol level spiked up sharply. Doctor was shocked at the spike. And that was only in a 6 month time span. Imagine if you had hubby and your mom in your home and trying to care for both of them. You would be stressed to the max, and over.... So, I'm really glad that your mom is there and enjoying it. And you just hubby to worry over. {{Hugs}}
Sheryl, sorry about your mom's change. I'm not really into meds and am not familiar about it mostly. Was her previous meds no longer working? Can they lower the dosage a bit and slowly ween her off or ween her down to a lower dosage?
My mom talks non-stop about her pain meds and how Obama is trying to take them from her. my mother did go into withdrawal (not a pretty sight) because she needed emergency surgery and never told her primarycare Dr she was taking vicodin.. The doctor that was giving her the scripts is no longer practicing
Severe headache when I left work. The Only food that comforts me in this intense migraine/stress headaches is - KFC. The one food that is so salty and oily and high cholesterol - that is very very bad for my high cholesterol. However, I needed my comfort food. I ate it and drank Pepsi. And my headache toned down drastically. I'm not even squinting at all as I type on my laptop.
Boss asked me why I didn't call a client. It's a very simple matter of lifting the phone. I replied that I was on the phone for 2 hours with a client (HIS client because he didn't come to work until past 12noon) this morning because the traveler was stranded and needed to leave ASAP in 6 hours on the flight to Hawaii and trying to find the most economical cost (other than my boss recommendation of $3600) which I found for $2700.00. Sigh.... And book a hotel, explain to the secretary how he's to contact the hotel to pick him up, etc.... Boss remained silent.....
On top of that, my clients were emailing me this morning about their people needing to be booked for Wednes, Thurs, Friday... do I have the reservations for review? Etc... I was so stressed out. I had so many emails opened and trying to do one at a time, following up on waitlists, seat assignments, etc.... And the bosses were on my case for One client that the wife is pissed off about. By the way, I Honestly did not see where I went wrong because both bosses have been doing this practice for Years.
Today was a very bad day for me. Sometimes I love my job - finding the most economical airfare possible. Sorry. I needed to vent this all out. Because tomorrow is another day. And I needed to purge today's negativity to make more room for tomorrow's. This way I don't explode in anger and regret the words that would come out of my mouth.
I have come to accept that since I've been caregiving for about 23 years for mom, and started 3 years ago with dad - that I really must be suffering from PTSD - as several of you have mentioned to me. Now I understand why I so over-reacted just over the thought of my having POA. It's just the one straw that can break the camel's back (or push me over the edge.)
I don't know who's going to be POA. But I will try to drop by his clinic and find out if the insurance denied the referral for dad to see the specialist. While I'm at the clinic, I might as well make a dental appointment for myself. I've been putting off both of these for several weeks now. I've saved up $300 for the dental xrays and cleaning. I might as well make the appointment before I touch the money.
"First you sat down and nursed your pain. That's good. Then you got on your feet again. That's good, too. But now, now you need to run. And you won't be running from these challenges you face. You'll be running towards them, as a matter of fact....
What you'll be running from is Despair. See, there's a lot to be gained from confession (or whine). There's liberation. There's self-awareness. There's freedom - when we admit to the dark things that haunt us. But in despair - there's nothing - only more despair. Run ahead of despair. Run ahead of it, always."
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The above paragraphs reminded me so much of my attitude (but in a more positive light): When life knocks you down, just get up, so that it will knock you down again.....
To me, his words were saying that it's okay for us to whine about our life, our angst. But after whining, falling flat onto our face, crying - we need to get up. And start facing these challenges in life - as long as we keep one step ahead of despair. Because despair is what really knocks us down, down that deep tunnel of depression where you hit rock bottom.
This deep thinking is giving me a headache. I won't delete the ebook from my device. I will keep it to re-read those paragraphs once in a while....
I'm glad that your friend's fundraising was a success! When I read that your mom had a blast and what your hubs said to her - just made me smile so widely. I'm glad for all of you - even You!
I'm late changing his pamper by one hour. I'd better do it now before he decides to stick something into his pamper and pull out 'the dirt '....
As he turned, I looked him in the eyes and said, "I'm getting so forgetful lately. I actually forgot what to do next - and it's just changing your pamper! You know what this means, don't you?"
He looks at me silently with suspicion. I quietly and very seriously continued, "Because I'm so forgetful now, I'm forgetting how to change your pamper. This means that I should no longer be changing your pamper."
He laughed so hard, as if I was making a joke (Not!!), and shook his head. He said no. D*rn, I will keep trying until I wear him down...
I decided to postpone my dinner and help her out. I started telling her funny stories about dad by trying to get dad to tell it to her. He was not having it - at first. But the more I talked and laughed, he started to loosen up a bit, and the nurse was able to finish up. As she was cleaning up, I saw something red go rolling off the paper thingy. I said, "Don't forget that one. Just looking at it is making me queasy. I'll never make it as a nurse."
She took his vitals and then started doing her chart. Since I was on the roll about dad's 'funny' side, he finally joined in and joked back. He laughed so hard, the nurse was shocked. She kept staring at him, at me, at him. She told dad that she has never seen him, in all these years, laugh like that. She said that he looks like me when he laughs. Hey!!! That's not a compliment for me! That means when I laugh, I look like him! She repeated again that when dad laughs, he looks like me. She said our face lights up when we laugh. She kept staring at dad with amazement.
Hi Genevieve, glad you're doing all right. Better than having a lousy day. =)
Now my husband and I are facing our latest challenge: in a week we're taking Dad on a cruise. When we booked the cruise, he wasn't quite as bad as he is now. He may have gotten worse, but he knows he's going on a cruise and he really wants to go. We've cruised together with him for over 15 years, a cruise a year, so it's not like this is new to us. But the challenges might well be monumental and we're stiffening our spines, hoping we can make the best of things. We've taken steps to be sure we can see to his needs, particularly in hygiene and mobility. He sees this as his last cruise (and it will be, because I can't see doing this again) and is looking forward to it. My husband and I aren't alone in it, either. We cruise as a family, every time, so there will be other family members to help with him.
So that's how this caregiver is doing. Currently mellow, hoping for better, pretty sure that's unrealistic...but this is a much better place than where I was a month ago.