The Caregiver... How are YOU doing today?

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The Caregiver... How are YOU doing today?

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This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.

I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.

Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.

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B bookluvr Jun 2016 · Answer 1 · 2016-06-16T10:33:27.000-0400

Susie, it's good that he's still able to go on the cruise one last time. And that he's aware of it. I was getting worried that it was going to be only you and your husband taking care of him. Whew! I was relieved when you said that there will be other family members going. You all can share on keeping an eye on your dad.

So I hope you all have a great time!

P.s... I too have found out that if I talk to dad, he's a nicer person. Most of my family ignores him or don't go out of their way to talk to him. Midnight. I'd better go to sleep. I get up at 6:30.... Take care...

B bookluvr Jun 2016 · Answer 2 · 2016-06-16T16:58:40.000-0400

Puzzled. I don't think I will ever understand sis' reasoning. She only does things if she must but just enough to do what she needs. Won't empty the sink drain strainer even if the food in it is an inch thick and spreading across the sink, flooding with very very slow drain. Most times I empty it several times a day even if I just ate 1 meal the whole day. I have to use the plunger at times due to clogged pipe. .... I clean the toilet. Not even 24 hrs later, the toilet bowl is disgusting. How hard is it to flush 2 or 3 times and pour water from the Tupperware bowl (stored in the open bathroom shelf) to clean the mess while it's still fresh?...... Why change dad's pampers last week and dump his soiled clothing in the kitchen and leave it there? At first, I thought she had put it aside to be washed in the morning. Well, it's been 8 mornings later and his soiled clothing and bed linen are still there. Huh? Why!?! If she doesn't want to wash it, THROW it out! She knows that I do this if dad's soiled clothing is too disgusting to wash. (Our outside washing machine is only hooked up to cold tap water, one machine for us to use.) I refuse anything that is heavily soiled with poop goes in that washer. Throw it is my motto.... I saw the clothing was still there lastnight. I need to ask sis why she's keeping it there. Throw it or wash it. But don't leave it forever in the kitchen. Okay. I got my frustrations out. Time to clean soiled father. He made a mess this morning based on the poop I smell. Please don't let it be so bad as it smells.....

G Gloriacoco Jun 2016 · Answer 3 · 2016-06-16T22:27:09.000-0400

Hi Jam, I can't tell when you posted your concern so I hope my comments can still be of some help to you. First, I admire you for taking care of your mother-in-law, you're a very loyal woman. In all honesty, I would only do it if I was the only daughter-in-law and there were no daughters. And if there are other family members you need to get them involved, she's also a part of them. This is a tough job, it's worst then having a real job. My sister and I care for our mom and even with her help there are times (more than none) when I feel I don't want to deal with "Dementia" anymore, I just don't want to do it. I feel like I go around and around in circles because she's lost her sense of logic and reason. You are right having to deal with the same repetitive behavior over and over is very stressful, only we know how difficult this is. So when my friends and family members (who have never been there) "try" and give their opinion, I don't hesitate to tell them "why don't you pack you a bag and go stay with her a couple of days then we'll talk. Jam, there's nothing breezy about caring for a person with this illness. I look forward for the caregiver to arrive to help with mom for 4 1/2 hours. She qualified for assistance because she has zero assets and her monthly income is close to nothing. With the caregivers help I can go exercise and go home (40 miles) away to see my husband or sometimes just go sit in a coffee shop and read. If my mom would have had resources, we would have more than likely found a good assistant living place for her. We also have notes posted for her not to many because that will only get her more confused and they do help. Our notes are "mom today is _______" June 16, 2016 or "Please drink your coffee" or "Take your vitamins" (with a follow up check). We don't have mom on any memory medication we felt it would harm her more then help. We'll go have dinner with her granddaughters and by the time we drive out of driveway she's forgotten (very heart breaking). Mom's sun downing starts about 2:30 pm and gets worst around 5:00 pm. She gets a tad argumentative and paces from room to room, so the less I say the better I have control of my stress level. I love having my AT&T tablet with me, I can hang out with you all and destress. Please stay in touch Jam and keep us informed. God bless.

B bookluvr Jun 2016 · Answer 4 · 2016-06-17T07:06:18.000-0400

Hi Gloria, Jam was a wealth of information when I first found this discussion. I haven't seen her post here in a long time... About friends and family giving advice... I smiled when I read your response. I did the same with my older brother. He was visiting from the mainland and was watching me change bedridden mom's pamper all by myself. Sitting down, he decided to give me a tip on changing pamper. I immediately stopped, looked at him and asked if he wanted to take over. He quickly shook his head.

G Genevieve7 Jun 2016 · Answer 5 · 2016-06-17T10:29:31.000-0400

Ha, ha, bookluvr, soooo funny. Yes, my sibs disappeared into the woodwork when I offered to teach them how to change the underwear. Hahahaha. That's all it takes for some, a little body fluid. Wonder how they cared for their kids when they were tots; left it all up to the wives no doubt.

G Gloriacoco Jun 2016 · Answer 6 · 2016-06-17T11:09:13.000-0400

Hi bookluvr, awwww I only hope she's doing well. Thank you so much for keeping me updated. This illness can certainly drive you to gave a break down. Isn't it funny when we offer up time for family and friends to spend a little time with our I'll family member their first question ia "oh will you be there".... I will say that time alone, whenever you can get it", is so soothing. Please stay in touch, we need each other.

G Gloriacoco Jun 2016 · Answer 7 · 2016-06-17T11:10:50.000-0400

Sorry for my miss spelled words, sending from IPhone....

G Genevieve7 Jun 2016 · Answer 8 · 2016-06-17T11:27:06.000-0400

Yes, Gloriacoco and bookluvr, "Will you be there" because there might be a fluid issue. Or we might have to "translate" what their gestures mean. Not because they just genuinely like our company. Checking off their box. Yes, alone time is important.

B bettylu2 Jun 2016 · Answer 9 · 2016-06-17T12:00:32.000-0400

How am I? I feel dead inside. I hate this disease and getting to hate my husband. He forgets less then a minute after he is told something. I've tried to take hm to a once a month a month get together sponsored by th ALZ orgainization. The first time I drove over there with him, he refused to get out of the car. I read him the riot act on the way home, which made no difference since he didn't know what he did wrong. I told him if I needed help for him I WILL ask for it. I felt a little better getting things off of my chest, but it didn't solve anything. The second time I got him out of the car and we stayed the two hours. I saw him talking laughing and sometimes interacting with the other ALZ people, I asked him how was it and he tells me he didn't say much while there. He keeps saying he wants to die rather then be the way he is. I feel like I'm suffocating and my world is squeezing the life out of me. I'm waiting to be contacted by a social worker to see what she suggests.. I don't feel like a wife, just a caregiver. The straw that broke the camels back was when he was suppose to scrape all of the loose paint off of the BOTTOM of the front metal door, scuff the glossy paint and then prime it. Well, I had gone over all of the instructions many times, and left for him to do it. He didn't paint the bottom of the prepared door, but he did paint the white trim without masking anything. Making more work for me.Trim wasn't even on the radar of what he was to do. I came back from Physical Therapy and found the enamel primer paint on the railing going upstairs, on the light switches, walls and rug. How am I to contend with this? If we lived in a single family house, I probably would have thrown my arms up and say it really doesn't hurt anyone. I have to pick my battles. However, we live in a 5 unit apartment building which was one of our retirement plans. We have tenants and people looking to be tenants in one of our empty apartments. I just can not let his inability to do things that he used to do make our place look run down. Did I mention that he refuses to pay anyone to do the things around the house. I just do not know what to do. I wish he were in a home where I could go and spend Quality time and then go home and save my physical and mental health. If he were pleasant and agreeable to be around, this journey may be much easier to face day after day. Sorry for such a long vent.

B bookluvr Jun 2016 · Answer 10 · 2016-06-17T17:32:46.000-0400

Bettylu, have you seen Teepa Snow online YouTube videos. It's great to watch it once in awhile. To remind us how useless it is to try to reason with someone who has dementia - as if they are normal. She shows us how to rearrange our thinking, how they respond to us, etc.. Very very informative. I like her mini series about Visiting. She helped me understand why dad no longer smells things, love this food today but hates it tomorrow, etc... Being the true nerd that I am, I even took notes on each videos. It helps me focus on her words and not just casually taking it in. Then when I need something, rather than watching the whole video again, I grab the notebook and flip through it, read it. Need more info, atleast I know which video to rewatch.

B bookluvr Jun 2016 · Answer 11 · 2016-06-17T17:35:46.000-0400

PS...my dad is going through something similar like your husband. It's so hard to fight it when that hatred pops up... usually if he touches his poop and I have to be the one to clean it.

G Genevieve7 Jun 2016 · Answer 12 · 2016-06-18T09:05:31.000-0400

Actually full disclosure one of my sibs to give him credit actually did "try" to change dad's underwear once; sib asked me to wait in the wings in case he (the sib) needed help. The sib. Mind you, he doesn't have nor does he want kids himself. But he is good hearted. It was a comedy, but sad at the same time, because sib was trying to get dad to "think" of the next step. I gently had to say that dad's mind as we knew it is gone and it is more kind to just guide him into the next step and kind of laugh about it; sib took it well but I did notice he never really hung around long enough for an underwear crisis again and he bid his goodbyes well before digestion really had a chance to work the wonders it often does. But I do adore this sib so don't get me wrong. Just thought I would share something funny. Hugs to my sib if you are reading this (not).

G Genevieve7 Jun 2016 · Answer 13 · 2016-06-18T09:15:50.000-0400

bookluvr, I had the same thing with cleaning up after caregivers. Even my very experienced one, who I thought had everything wrapped up like a package. She would take care of my parents of which I am forever grateful but she always left me four or five load of laundry to do (mind you I would be getting back into town after a visit with my hubbie and kids and I would just have been driving five hours or so solo). So the straw that broke the camel's back was after my dad's bout of diarrhea and then him pulling out his catheter, granted that was traumatic for the caregiver and my dad, and the nurses were rushing about replacing the catheter, giving advice on the diarrhea and whatnot, but then why not pop down and just place at least one load of laundry in the wash? No, it was all piled up in a mountain. Dad all right by that point -- the whole crisis was occurring while I was driving so I kept getting these urgent updates while driving. This, then this, then this. Things over which I had no control except I had to make the calls to hospice and get the nurse angels out, etc., so I had to pull over the car and stop and turn it into a medical crisis. Got home everyone was all right. I was grateful everyone was in one piece. My mom deals with all of it by being oblivious to the situation and just picking at her head more. But there was this heavy relief by them when I arrived like -- peace finally -- peace and things will be okay, because I just start pivoting around and taking care of all the little details. But the one of the mountain of diarrhea laundry left for me. And why she couldn't put one load in. .... I was doing laundry the rest of the day along with putting everything else together again and then it cemented my decision to bring them with me. And I did.

C Casey1150 Jun 2016 · Answer 14 · 2016-06-18T09:59:34.000-0400

Hi everyone. I'm sitting here with tears running down my face after reading everyone's comments. I can SO identity with snippets from all the posts. Sometimes I think I should feel horrible saying that it is good to know I'm not alone in my feelings about this disease, but I won't think that way! It IS good to know I'm not alone, they are my feelings and I'm entitled to them! I thought at one time I would waltz into mom's place and take over 'fixing' everything....wrong! Even though her mind would reset itself every so often, at that time there was still enough of 'her' left to put me in my place. Now, it is a different story. I look at this woman and think, that's my mom, but when I hear her talk or watch her listen, or try to understand, I realize my mom isn't in there anymore. Or, if she is, she is locked away somewhere deep inside that only she is knows about. We recently made a decision to place mom in a home where she can get the SAFETY and medical attention that my sibling and I can no longer give her. The staff is also very compassionate and friendly. It wasn't easy, hard decisions never are but, in reality, it is what was needed. No one says we have to like reality, just to accept that it is what it is. And so we did. We are processing her through Medicaid, hired an attorney to help us with it (best idea) and now I find I can be with mom without having resentments. This was the best gift I gave myself, to let go of the resentments. This 'Long Goodbye" is a horrible disease from which no one to date has recovered. I hate it with every fiber of my being for robbing me of someone I love. At least with other diseases there May be a possibility of recovery. So in knowing this, I've come to realize that we each may need to make 'hard decisions' that will be best for us, the caregivers, the survivors. Love, courage, understanding and strength to all.

G Genevieve7 Jun 2016 · Answer 15 · 2016-06-24T06:42:08.000-0400

Hi, Everyone, I'm doing okay today considering. Dad is now on morphine and melatonin. I call it M&M magic. It helps him to sleep and breathe. He was half off the bed this morning and I put the bed flat and pulled him back up on the bed. He was supporting himself on his hands, he's a strong man, but the position looked pretty awkward and unsafe. Mom is sleeping fine but that's not unusual. Today looks like overcast and hot. My son has to get up early for a work meeting. I'm torn about whether to get a caregiver in full time and go back to work next year and stay in my current school, or take the other year I already requested. This last year was quite a lot, what with being in my parents' home state and being isolated and not seeing my husband that much. I feel much more settled now in my own home with my family around and I feel like I could go back to work if my parents would stop having crises all the time, but my experience of the caregivers that we hired in their home state was just so up and down. I don't know, but we will make the right decision I think. If we can afford it I may stay away for another year. Right now things are under control and our expenses are manageable from savings. But is it fair to the family that I give up my identity completely (my work identity that is and my job I worked hard at for all those years)? I am torn. Maybe I have to sort through all this with a good discussion with someone or two and figure it out, ask some advice and then figure it out. I feel like I've already given up so much. Oh, well, have to wake up my son and husband so at least they can go to work. My work is here 24/7, so no place for me to go. A lot of folks coming by today. Two people from hospice and a caregiving agency to do an intake for my mom and dad for when and if I do return to work or even if I need a few hours for respite or to do things outside of the house. Take care and I hope you all have a nice day!

C cwillie Jun 2016 · Answer 16 · 2016-06-24T08:45:29.000-0400

Genevieve, would it be possible at all for you to work part time, just a couple of days a week? I think it would help you feel more yourself, give you relief from the constant caregiving as well as provide a modest income.

A assandache7 Jun 2016 · Answer 17 · 2016-06-24T11:34:34.000-0400

Well Mom's been on the down slide.. I just had Hospice here for her intake.. She'll continue with her regular HHA's and Senior support Day if she's up to it..

She turned 94 in May and the last 3 mths she has had a rapid decline.. She is incontinent, can't walk without help, anxiety is elevated..She needs wheelchair at Day Program. The walk from parking lot to building is exhausting.. She been choking on clear liquids. The last 4 days she slept 14 hrs straight. Last night she was up 8 times calling for "Gold help me"..

Too funny thought right now she eating a piece of cake with a fork all by herself.. Tomorrow she'll look at the fork like it's a foreign object. Lol..

I knew this day would come and actually I'm relieved to have someone to lean on.. I can get all questions answered..Even if they seem dumb..

G Genevieve7 Jun 2016 · Answer 18 · 2016-06-25T07:42:37.000-0400

cwillie, thank you for the idea to go back to work at least part time. Now that my folks are with me I believe my principal would take me back full time teaching. I go up and down with it. I wish there were something like a part time teaching position. I could go back to teaching classes through the local university in the evening, and that would bring some income as well as some self-esteem. My husband wants me to get back into soccer because that improves my mood. So I'm going to try that (there's a summer women's league around here) next Tuesday. I truly feel like my life has opened up just living in my home town again. My friends are here, my job is here if I decide I want the full time work, and my family is here now. Two hundred percent better than last month when I was stuck in the lonely hellhole of my childhood hometown away from anyone I know.

P pamzimmrrt Jun 2016 · Answer 19 · 2016-06-26T19:16:49.000-0400

well, I;m back from our family trip,, to Scotland.. with my 85 year old mom and 82 year old Aunt. Plus hubs and daughter and fav cousin. We are all beat.. but Mom did her best.. although she was mad at me a bit for my over protective ways. And I may walk crooked for a year from her hanging on me. LOL At least my Cousin gets it.. bless her heart she slept in the room with them,, and was going insane from the piddling around,, and OK,,I have to say it.. or ask it.. do all old people fart and burp 24=7?? Then add the hearing aides and the loud talk about said F & B?? OMG !!! But I may never get caught back up here.. so I'll just catch up as I can!

A anonymous281963 Jun 2016 · Answer 20 · 2016-06-26T22:05:00.000-0400

Welcome back Pammzi! Scotland was nice?
You know, if you don't get straightened out by a chiropractor, walking crooked may cause you more F & B's, at a younger age. lol?

A anonymous281963 Jun 2016 · Answer 21 · 2016-06-26T22:09:00.000-0400

Assandache! 94 and a piece of cake! It's the little things, little pleasures, little victories. Sorry that the downhill time has arrived for your Mother.
You keep on trying.
Love, from Send

G Genevieve7 Jun 2016 · Answer 22 · 2016-06-27T07:20:51.000-0400

Doing okay, already got some chores done, trash out, went shopping at the nick of the store opening at six am, walked the dog, hugged my daughter goodbye and fare thee well on her drive, put dad's legs up on the bed when they were dangling off, covered mom, there's a nip in the air today, woke up son for work, kissed hubbie, now sitting in front of the computer which is under a window looking at the trees and it looks to be a hot but glorious day.

5 57twin Jun 2016 · Answer 23 · 2016-06-28T22:07:17.000-0400

Hello all!
Haven't posted in several months. I think the last time I posted my boss was still ill. I had foot and hip pain for a couple of months this winter. Diagnosed with arthritis in several area in my left foot. Hip pain went away-stiff muscles most likely. Worked quite a bit at my part time job until college kids returned in May.
Dad was doing okay. Mainly stays in his room at his assisted living-I did move him to the new wing. Looked out window as I called reading his movie script as I call it. Said he was watching the movie/tv but looking outside and giving a commentary. Always same theme. A wedding with a parade he would mention some of his siblings names. He would laugh at times.
But all good things must change. He "escaped" from his place May 22. Crossed the rural road walked down three houses and walked into one and asked what they were doing in his house. Since landscaping was not completed the fence was not up. The door alarm did not go off. He was okay but shook everyone up at his place.
Three weeks ago On a Monday I stopped in and we shared a alcoholic root beer (awful tasting) and chips as he was cruising the hallways. That day is probably the last day he will walk by himself. The following morning he fell. Doctor appt walker and pt/ot prescribed. Hip X-rays nothing broken. He fell the next day hit his head. I was grocery shopping did not hear my phone ring and met him at the ER. Two hours later I brought him back. No tests the nurses had him try walking with a walker. Thursday morning he had fallen again after getting him up for the day. No injuries but posted an aide by his room at night for a quicker response to the bed pad alarm.Friday was a whole day of doc appts. Blood/Urine/ECGand a trip to hospital for a head cat scan. Results all normal except for a little anemia. So he know spends his days in the living room so the aides can watch him. I have a doc visit Friday to get a wheelchair prescribed as he is using the spare which is meant for tiny ladies. He walks with an aide and the gait belt. No falls since.
Also at docs office he though I was mom. I know he does not know who I am despite saying Hi dad when I visit. Alzheimer's sucks.

G gladimhere Jun 2016 · Answer 24 · 2016-06-28T23:24:29.000-0400

57 good to see you and I am very sorry to read about the difficulty dad is having. And he escaped?! How frightening for all involved! Did he actually live in the house that is so close at one time? Or was that a delusion? Alarms that don't work don't do any good. Do they test them regularly? My mom's day care had problems with that it turned out some of the sensors that were worn were not working. That resulted in an overhaul to the alarm system.

5 57twin Jun 2016 · Answer 25 · 2016-06-29T08:17:17.000-0400

He never lived in this area until I moved him closer to me. Evidently if the door bar is held for 15 seconds it will open- a fire safety mechanism. They have a warning alarm on all doors which did not go off. They did have the entire system looked at again after this. The fence should be going up in a week or two which doesn't really matter any more. Dad did have a habit of standing and looking out certain doors so not to miss his ride "home".

F faeren Jun 2016 · Answer 26 · 2016-06-29T09:03:55.000-0400

I'm feeling really tired and depressed. Last week was really stressful as my brother had a heart attack and ended up in the hospital They were able to put 3 stents in his artery and open it back up so he didn't have a massive coronary, but I'm still feeling stressed and worried. I worry about going home and finding him dead on the floor. I have to work full-time to support him and I can't afford to quit working to stay with him all the time.

Sometimes, I wish he wasn't around anymore so I wouldn't have to constantly feel worried and stressed and then I feel guilty for feeling that way.

I keep hoping things will get better.

T Tattoochick Jun 2016 · Answer 27 · 2016-06-29T10:27:28.000-0400

Feeling depressed and unmotivated to take care of myself. After a long weekend of consistently caring for my mom. Thought the weekend visit from my brother would give me a break. Instead he leaves me a list of things to do and then off he flies back home.

However, today Mom does not want to see, but hang with her friends. Taking that offer as a gift and spending the day with myself.

B bookluvr Jun 2016 · Answer 28 · 2016-06-29T11:05:36.000-0400

Genevieve, at least your sib gave it a try on helping your dad. I understand what you mean about your dad no longer knowing the next step. My dad is getting there, too. He used to know automatically when to turn, lift his butt, turn, etc...Now, he looks at me. When I say 'turn' he doesn't know which way to turn - towards me or away? When I say "up" (for his butt to insert the pamper under), he tries to sit up, etc... I find myself losing my temper. But he's so patient with me, and doesn't get mad back at me. Sometimes, I have to stop, take a deep breathe, really look at dad, and see him as a Person and not an inanimate impersonal object. It's so sad, that when I look him in the eyes, it's no longer alert (he used to be soooo smart). He's a different man, a different personality. And I'm definitely Not complaining. The old father was verbally and physically abusive. This one is so lost. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. Mom became violent. I dread that dad will reach that stage, too. One day at a time....

Pam -glad you all were able to go on the trip and survived. =) despite the old people farts...

57twin, that's scary that your dad is now a fall risk. And a wanderer. I was going to say he was suffering from mini-strokes but .. maybe, like my mom, it's caused by the dementia. Mom had one day woke up - and couldn't walk anymore. She had some serious sundowning months before this happened. And she was an 'escape artist' too. Dad finally put several sliding locks on all the doors when we found mom late at night hiding under the car, whimpering in fear. I can just imagine what you're going through with the constant falling and the roaming, and the fear of never finding her - or that she got hit by a car. It was very terrible time. {{{{HUGS}}}}

B bookluvr Jun 2016 · Answer 29 · 2016-06-30T05:33:10.000-0400

Faeren, I will admit to feeling like that with my bedridden mother. She was completely 100% could not move any of her body parts, not even a finger or her head. She just laid there for years, hooked up to the 24/7 oxygen machine, stomach tube and tracheal. I don't know how she was able to last so long.. in which at least 13 years bedridden, then the rest started deteriorating. The guilt to just wish she was just die and to stop lingering on, etc... then the guilt because that's not a very nice thought for a Christian.

The way you worry about coming home and finding him dead on the floor. That was my worry before dad had his stroke. He was mom's main caregiver. I took over when I wasn't working (also full time job like you.) Dad was suddenly falling. We both shrugged it off as 'old age' unaware that it was a sign of a stroke. We were very fortunate that the gov't caregiver coming to sponge bath mom, found dad in the middle of a stroke. She immediately called 911 and me at work. Well, my worst fear almost came true - except we had a visitor that found him in time.

I'm not familiar with your and brother's background situation. Are you able to hire a part-time sitter to just drop by once in a while to check up on your brother? I tried calling dad daily but when the office is busy (which is most of the time), I forget to call home.

OR, you can do what my younger sister suggested for me. I bought a 2 camera set, had brother-in-law install it (outside porch and inside the livingroom) so that I can take a peek on my iPad to see what's happening at home. I think the same camera system can be found in Amazon for about $200-some (??) I tell you, it's great! I can see at work if someone is visiting or hanging around on the porch. It also records - found this out when the message keeps popping up that the memory card is full...

B bookluvr Jun 2016 · Answer 30 · 2016-06-30T05:46:14.000-0400

Tattoochick, disappointing when family members don't help out as we would have liked - for a little bit of free time away from the home. I'm going through what you're going through. Unmotivated to do anything for me or dad or anyone. It's called depression. If my family had just accepted the $900 money to babysit dad so that i can go on a 2 week vacation, I would be off-island now. No takers. No trip.

Is there anything that you can do to 'reward' yourself? I've budgeted $$ for my lunch. I've been buying cheap lunches (Wendy's 4 for $4, etc...) so that I have left over money to treat myself to Yogurtland. I go and buy a strawberry+chocolate yogurt with peanuts and almond toppings - coming to only $4.25... I sit there for an hour eating the yogurt and then reading my book in peace. I find that I'm a bit satisfied with life after I've done this. So, I'm going to make this my ritual every 2 weeks. Previously, I would spend my me-time at the public library. But the wooden chairs make in conducive to NOT spend too long there reading.

The Caregiver... How are YOU doing today?

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