This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
I just want to focus on him and then go home.
sigh, looks like rain :(
( i wonder inside if my feelings will change once there... just trying to remain calm )
I didnt forget anything and the ceremony was touching. I put pine needles in the hole and we put pine bows on top instead of flowers.
I do lots and lots of copy and paste. Where's the 'right click '? I looked in the box - no manual. It's so fancy, the keyboard letters/numbers are very faint prints...because it lights up when the computer is on. Except, I'm night blind. I can't go to movie theaters because the surrounding darkness strains my eyes as I try to watch the big screen movie. I 100% always come out of the movie with a bad headache due to eye strain. I looked at my new laptop while on with the lights... And I can feel my eyes straining. Sigh... I will make do with it. niece just called me. I will need a wireless mouse? I told her I haven't used a mouse in my laptop for years. Another thing to get used to. When she visits, I'm going to ask her how to copy/paste on the new laptop. Mouse!
All well, this Is the new technology of laptops. That's why my old one is a dinosaur. And VHS and cassette tapes are bygones. Floppy disks are bygones. So, I just have to go with the flow..... Lighted keyboards!!!
Book, so sorry to hear of your dad's regression but I am glad he doesnt hurt you any more. So sad to watch them slide away tho. My mom doesnt recognize me anymore - I am just another person who comes to push and prod.... I had so many extra years with her that I am thankful for..she was a wonderful mom and a fun person to be around... that person is locked away somewhere but will always be in my memory! and I hate to know that she would HATE her life right now if she realized where it has regressed to...
Book, hang in there..I am also one who HATES change and fought long and hard to keep my old computer so I didnt have to learn new stuff...but it seems that once you learn what to do, it gets easier..its just the frustration of trying to figure it all out!
In other news I was sitting out on patio yesterday afternoon and a bat came (from under umbrella?) and flew into my head. Yes it was a bat as it made a short circuit around a tree and flew back where I was sitting. I checked my temple area for any marks did not see any but decided to stay in house for the rest of the day.
Most of them aren't rabid. It was just hanging out under the umbrella. Bats do that. They probably sing bat-like Jimmy Buffett songs while hanging out, "Wasting away again in Mosquito-ville."
My bat story? One winter when opening up the fireplace damper out came a tiny bat. Was finally able to catch it and take it outside! Yuck! I have been known to catch mice too:-P
I'm off this week. Today, I gave oldest sis off. Tomorrow, I've made plans with my 2 nieces and their young kids (all under 6 years old). We're going to the park, bring some balls, do some running, chasing, game of tag, green-light-red-light, etc... small picnic food. And then for dessert, we're going to eat wherever (McD for ice cream, Wendy's for Frosty with fries, or YogurtLand, etc...)
Thursday I'm taking the car to the shop for oil maintenance and a wellness-check. I couldn't believe that at the dealership, if I came in without an appointment, I would wait for hours. If I made an appointment, there's no gty it will be seen at that time, so I have to come back in the afternoon. Really?! So, I've asked niece if she can swing by and pick me up. Maybe we can go for bfast at iHop. I haven't eaten there yet since they came on island. Might as well, just in case they end up closing down - like Popeye's Chicken, El Pojo, Carl Jr's (never ate there also), etc... I haven't even eaten at Chili's since they came on island. Niece said that they have blended the food to meet the local's taste - and some of it is really delicious. So, that's one of the places I would like to take niece before she leaves on a one-way ticket in April. I'm soooo going to miss fave niece. She is my babysitter for dad on Saturdays, and she can change his messy poopy pamper. I'm going to be losing a very reliable babysitter for dad.
So, today, they're cleaning him. Dad whispered something. The younger girl asked him to repeat it. He claimed confusion and forgetfulness on what he said. The older caregiver said, "You're behaving today. Every time we come here, you say that word. Why are you whispering? Is it because K's here?" sigh...
Tell the supervisor that the aid was doing this.
Cripe, the old men are always perves at the NH's, and the old women have the mouths of sailors !
I was talking to fave niece. She was telling me that when grandpa made that poopy mess, she was very tempted to not change his pamper. Her first instinct was to walk out the door. The only reason she changed his poopy mess was because she didn't want me to come home hours later, to clean up the hardened mess. Grandpa is very mean to her. He has threatened to hit her several times. She told me that she was soooo angry with him and he was still being mean to her when he was the one who made the mess. She told him that the only reason she's changing his pamper is Not for him. But for aunty. She told him that if she was aunty, she would have walked out of here.
I had told niece about the govt caregivers and how they said that he was behaving while I was there. Niece looked solemnly at me and said that grandpa is verbally abusive and would clench his fists and want to hit her. She told me that she's positive that he's physically abusive to aunty (my oldest sis). That's why she jumps when he tells her to jump. I think that she jumps - just to shut his mouth up. He can go on and on and on ...nonstop. I told sis that she can walk out, go to her room, etc... when his mouth gets too much....Niece said that the minute I walk in, he automatically behaves. No verbal angry words, etc...
So, it seems that .. here I thought my dad has changed. Remember how I would come online and talk about his violent tendencies? I just recently said here that he has changed to a nicer person. Well... I guess dad is 'show timing' with me. But showing his true personality with niece and oldest sis.
1 mg lorazepam is a pretty hefty dose, but not so much that it will zonk him out if he's not sensitive to it. It probably will make him more sleepy. Maybe that is a good thing if he has been acting out a lot. I know you're worried about him.
But I was emotionally, physically and mentally exhausted. I lost my sense of humor. Grouchy all the time. Twin, just keep a close eye on yourself and well-being. I didn't seek therapy or meds for my depression. I ended up seriously suicidal. The sad part is that when I'm depress, apathetic towards life, there is No Incentive to seek help.
Just vent and vent here because We know what you're going through even if family/friends don't.
Niece-one-day-will-be-a-nurse babysat grandpa last weekend. It's been months since she's done it. Fave-niece (her older sis) told me today that her sis kept texting her last week about how bad grandpa has gotten. How he was constantly calling aunty J (my oldest sis) every 5 minutes non-stop. He was also accusing fave niece of not feeding him - yet he had his nutrient drink in his hand while accusing her.
When I come home after work, oldest sis is usually on the porch smoking. So, I stop by and make small talk with her about my day at work. I tend to use humor when I talk with people, exagerate a story - so that they can laugh or smile. I've found that 'my laughter' tends to help them smile. I, uhm... tend to do bursts of loud laughter, freely (unrestrained.) (Years ago, here on this website, I 'found' my humor. Hehehe, I was venting all over the AC website - I wasn't stingy and vented only here or Dysfunction thread or the Gross thread... It sure helped a lot! Plus lots of friends here helped, too.
I got distracted. So, after talking with sis, I would walk into the livingroom. My dad would ask, "K, is that you? I heard you laughing outside. Are you here?"
Remember how you all were saying how each member is forgetting something that they used to know? Dad is forgetting what he eats. Previously, I mentioned he forgot the Name of the nutrient drink. Now, he doesn't remember WHAT he eats (food? drink?) He only remembers it's time to eat because I would tell him it's time to eat. He's forgotten his birthdate.
Niece told me this afternoon after i came home - that today grandpa did something new. She said he's starting to throw things when he's mad/frustrated. He wants her to leave. He can take care of himself. He can get off the bed and walk... The company I pick up his nutrient drinks - both ladies (not in the room same time) told me that my dad hasn't called them. They wondered what's wrong. Remember reading here of some people whose 'loved one' would call and call the person non-stop? That was my dad with this company. They were just amazed that he hasn't called in the past 2 weeks. One of them asked me if he has gotten worse. I nodded. Mentally my dad is deteriorating fast. Physically - he's still as strong as a horse.
In the meantime, I've googled acid reflux. I stopped eating hot spicy food effective today... I bought food like banana, oatmeal, applesauce, Gas-X, and Flora probiotics to help calm the acid reflux. I'm hoping the oatmeal will be a better substitute for my midnight craving and stop the constant empty-stomach purping I get around 10pm. I also need to work on NOT trying to clean off the plate if I get full fast. I can no longer finish a meal that usually leaves me still hungry.
It must be working a little bit. Usually after dinner, I'm in so much pain in the throat, tummy, mouth from the acidity. Tonight, I ate 1/2 dinner when I got full. Took the probiotic. I'm not as miserable tonight as the past few days....
He called me at 6:45 one morning and asked me to come over right away to help him with some things he couldn't manage. I was there by 7:15 and took care of all concerns he had. Two days later I called to find his phone disconnected. Was worried so I drove to his place. No answer. No one had seen him. I called for a welfare check and was told he was home and fine. I tried to find him or get some kind of response for days. I was losing my mind. A week later a change of address form came to my house. His family, who rarely kept in contact with him, had convinced him to move back east and promised they would take care of him. Taking care of him ended up meaning he was headed for a nursing home at 58 for the rest of his life. They have made sure he cannot contact me. He can't remember my phone number or address.
It has been nine months now since he left. I know that God was sending me a blessing for things to happen the way they did. But he is on my mind almost constantly. How is he? Does his family come to visit? Does he remember how much I loved him and how much I sacrificed to care for him 24/7. Is he getting adequate care? Does he know what is happening to him? Could I have done any more? When will I be able to put this behind me? Will my life ever be what it once was? How can his family not be grateful for the life I provided for him which he loved? Does anyone feel the way I do?