This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
I paid for him to go back home (alone) and spend a week with his family about two years after we moved south. A couple of years later we both went back to visit. It was like walking on eggshells but we got along well. But in almost 8 years of living here not a single relative visited once. I offered to pay for the airfare for each of his daughters to come and visit. Neither did. His youngest daughter (31) sent him a Christmas card and said she didn't even know he had been living in his own apartment for 7 months.
I was aware that, while living in his own apartment, he would make up all kinds of things (all untrue) and relay them to his family. I was stealing from him, abusing him, letting him go hungry etc which is not uncommon for people with dementia. When he still lived with me one day he bit my calf so badly I required stitches. I had no idea why. I discussed that with his mom during our weekly Sunday conversation. A couple of days later his aunt called him and asked what I had done to provoke him. I couldn't win no matter what I did. I am sure they had no idea what they were getting in to when they moved him back east. I'm sure he is treating them the same way but in a nursing home they can just get in their cars and drive home to their environment and let the paid caregivers at the NH deal with his anger, manipulation, lies and aggressive outbursts.
Thank you for your comment.
About 8 months ago, I got the Old Man's Dr to order home PT and OT, because he was wasting away and losing so much of his muscle mass from sitting around from morning till night, plus he had been falling alot which was a combo of lack of exercise and the muscle weakness, and he would soon either fall and really hurt himself ie. BREAK A BONE, or end up bedbound ultimately. The man has zero interest in ever leaving the house except to go to the Dr's, even though we offer, and prod him to go out, as there are so many beautiful things to see and do around the Seattle area, but No, he's been there done that, but has seen every one of those darn Cowboy movies a hundred times, grrr!
But anyways, They PT was here 3 x a week for 8 weeks, then 2 x per week for 4 more. In that time, they had him learning how to use properly use his Rolator, and was walking 5 times around my open floor plan home, 3-4 times a day. As soon as they stopped coming, he stopped the exercises. Before all of this started, I gave him the big speech about if he didn't regain some strength, then we would have to consider an alternative living situation for him, as my husband and I do not have the strength to pick him up without injuring ourselves, and if he were to become bedbound, same thing, we're not capable of doing that level of care.
Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago. At first I didn't want to be the one who nagged him to do the exercises, but I caved in and had a long discussion on how he had completely stopped, and now has lost all of that progress he had made. He has stepped it up a bit, though not to the level he should be, but now I'm definitely going to stay on top of him, as come spring/summer, we intend to sell our home, and he will need to go into some form of Senior living situation. I'm hope full, if I can keep him active, to get him into a Senior apartment, it would save him thousands each month, but if nessasary he will have to step up to Assisted living, so we'll see.
Here in the PNW, we have this program for Senior's called S.H.A.G. It is smaller efficiency apartments for seniors and disabled, and the monthly rents are between 500-1200, depending on your ability to pay based off of your income level. They are NICE, and would be perfect for him, if it is deemed that he can manage, with the help of us coming in several times a week to do his shopping and errands. Ideally, I would like to try to get him out of the house once a week for lunch or something, starting now, and begin making a habit of it. The state has just finished building a brand new on 3 miles away from us, and anoth6one is being built 2 miles from us. The are gorgeous facilities with libraries, exercise rooms, hot tubs, roof top decks, both of these have pea patches for gardening, allow pets, craft rooms, they have an activity director and arrange for shopping excursions and even to the Casino, really nice! They have studio, 1, and 2 bedroom units all with washer dryers in each! I wouldn't mind living there, but we make too much money, damnit! And again, this is independent living, No Nurses, No meals, no medical management.
I hope, I hope we can get him into something like this! It is exactly what we should have done when he lost his wife, and before he came to live with us. But he wanted to live with us because he was scared to be alone and lonely, and we enabled him, big mistake! 13 years later, and now we have all aged, and become disabled ourselves, and hubby and I need to start living, before it's too late! We will always look after him, and manage his physical needs, and of course take him out and include him in our family events and holidays. We just need to take control of our own lives once more.
How can I snag one?
Thanks for your comment. I am not going to reach out to him or any of his family. I did try for a couple of months by contacting a close friend of his but he didn't even know Rich was back in town. I just prayed about the whole situation night and day and waited for God's response. God knows and I know that I did my best so what his family thinks is irrelevant at this point. I'm not going to fight a losing battle. I also think God took him away from me so that I no longer have to watch him decline and eventually die. I am 62 and have spent more than a decade taking care of everyone else. I think God has released me to move forward and live my own life and find some real happiness. I am not looking for a man to replace Rich or any man at all. I miss my constant companion Rich once was but I am not lonely. I am enjoying my house, working non-stop in my garden and having time to spend with my friends and neighbors. I am considering some volunteer work in the future but for the time being I am focusing on my health, which I neglected for so long, and on living life with no anger, bitterness, regrets or negativity. It is a tall order but so worth the effort. Life is too short. You cannot control others. They have him now so my job is done where he is concerned. I did all I could do and that has to be enough.
Can I run away, but for good, never look back?
Where should I go?
Taking a nap now, instead. Sad.
Stacey, I still tell my dad that he could have been walking but he refused to do PT after his stroke. I think he just gave up. He was just so tired of caregiving mom for over 20 years. He wanted to be babied like mom. So, he gave up. Now, when he expects me to jump with his orders, I tell him straight that I will do it in my own time table. He Chose to not walk. And I’m not his wife or slave. I’ll get to it when I get to it. He ends up calling me disrespectful… Yeah… that no longer bothers me anymore… I think your FIL is similar to my dad in that he wants to do less and have others do more for him. I hope you’re able to succeed in getting him into S.H.A.G.
Tattoo, Pam – I’m tired too. It’s only 9:11pm and I keep yawning as I type here. Run away? That’s sounds great, Pam.
Where shall we runaway to? Nowhere with rainy weather and dangerous mosquitos. Mosquitos love my blood and aim for me among a group of people. That’s good news for them, but bad news for me. I’m not crazy about the beach. But if you all prefer that, you all can relax in the sun or go swimming. I will have my book (or ebook), under the shade, munching on snacks. Maybe do some window shopping, and stop by a yogurt place.
I think we have 2 wasp nests inside the spare bedroom. One of it is getting bigger. The 2nd one is on the louver. I’m trying to figure out how to spray it on such height. Plus I couldn’t see the holes. I’m worried that it might start moving more inside of the house. I bought the regular wasp spray – not the foam. Hmmm..
Then a hospice nurse called in. She said she sees this all the time. Family even fighting over the Will while the patient lay there dying. The hospice nurses must not interfere or pose as witnesses. They're neutral. But she said that she's seen how the real family are gone and never there for their dying parent - until they're at the end. She sided with Gibson.
A man called in. In their divorce, his wife fought him for everything. She didn't want to split half/half. He warned her that if she won and took everything, he will Not Leave Anything for their children in his Will. She won. He said that he has tried through the years to get close to his children while growing up. But they have been rude and ignored him. Even now, his grown children still treat him rudely. He very firmly said that when he dies, his children will not be in the Will.
It really got to me on Christy's insistence that the children Should get something in the Will. Even after the hospice nurse's comments. There's no ifs, ands or buts. Even when Gibson said that the children were not there while the parent was dying?
30 minutes later. Staring off into space, my dad said, "That shirt is mine. I can still fit it." Ooookaaay... I will put it in the laundry basket. He can keep it. I have tshirts (female ones) that's in the dresser.
I have been oddly tired and sort of down for the last few days. daughter came over last night for dinner and stayed awhile, we all had a great time. Then today I got a call from the AL/rehab I applied to a month ago about a float pool job.. They don;t care that September is sort of booked , and that I can;t work nights.. said they would interview me whenever I could come in!! So next Fri I go. Maybe I could squeeze orientation in if they like me? A good friend put a word in for me.. the job was never posted. So wish me luck!! I may be looking into this for full time once I retire from my present job... its alot less stressful and laid back. I'd like to only work 5 more years at my present job, then work closer to home for a few more. So some good news today at least!
I'm not sure if you read my post on the Dysfunctional thread, but my husband sat down with his Dad this morning, and the conversation flowed right into the "We're planning on selling our home and buying a Condo" and "you will be moving into a Senior apartment nearby, we will continue to care for you and see to your needs, we won't abandon you". Unbelievably, the conversation went really smoothly, and I was listening in discreetly. My FIL took it in stride, and now I have mixed feelings about why in the Hell we didn't do this sooner! In the years leading up to hubby's Mom passing away, my FIL often said, "if anything should ever happen to Mother, can I come and live with you two?" And I always thought and understood that it was because he would be lonely and afraid, that he didn't want to be alone, didn't know how to cook, but Now, Today, NO BIG DEAL? IDK, I'm kinda pissed that he didn't Pick Up on the Tension he has created in my home for the past 13 years, and if he thought he could live on his own, then why in the hell didn't he say something!?! A lessor strong couple would definitely broken up over the strain he has put on our marriage! Not really sure how to feel right now!
My BIL's new wife (#11, I think) even had the nerve to think that immediately after the Wake at my house, and after all the other guests had left, that we were going to have A READING OF HER WILL! Like a scene right out of Dynasty! I hadn't slept in 3 nights, had worked myself sick, and here this little hootchie thought that she would be entitled to money, from a dead woman, whom she had only met like 2 times in her short lived marriage! Of course, any and all monies were community property, went to my FIL only! She and my BIL have since divorced, and he's married for the 12th time, I've not met this one, yet! SIL and BIL shouldn't be surprised when they find out that they will receive very little from my FIL, if there is anything left, should he not use it all for his living expenses the rest of his life, which is what will probably happen. I do know that they are expecting something, but that is up to their Dad, how he chooses to disburse his estate. I do also know, they won't be getting much though! My BIL, even went so far to ask his Dad (several years ago, but while he was living here with us) if he would gift him the legal max per year ( $12,000 I think), so that FIL would enjoy seeing him enjoy his Inheritance! Well, that went over like a fart in church! Lol! How delightful! This/his family is F'd up!
The director at mom's AL took me aside yesterday and told me that as of Monday mom can no longer use her vaping device anywhere in the complex. I was proud of mom for quitting smoking. It's been three years. She is very discreet about it in the only public place she uses it. Very discreet. Maybe 4 puffs in two hours. Mom only leaves her room for around 2 hours a day for lunch.
I have a sneaking suspicion a busybody complained after I asked her unattended children to stop driving their remote controlled cars into my ankles. This woman visits grandma every Wednesday when I visit my mom and lets these kids (three under five) They broke a window, scream loudly and constantly, yet I'm going to bear the burden of these idiots.
The director asked me if I wanted to give her the news that no more vaping after Monday. I told him I'm sure he makes a very good salary and it's not in my pay grade. It's his job. I will NOT be the bad guy. Mom has lived there almost three years and was assured vaping wasn't a problem. It seems state laws have changed (MN). Give me a break! She's almost 80. She hides in her room almost 90% of the time. This is assinine.