This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Today Dad was in a panic thinking I had put down a deposit on a new house for him. Say what??? What new house??? Have no idea where that idea had popped into the loop. Last week Dad just moved from Independent Living over to Memory Care in the same complex, so maybe that was the connection some how. Anywho, he was relieved when I said "no" to buying that house.
Susan
That is such valuable information.
Once my Mom passed, my Dad said he was ready to get out of that house and move to a senior center. Glad it was his own decision as it worked out quite well. My Dad is now in the Memory section of this center. He is around fellows of his own generation, where at home he wasn't.
Now you can once again be your hubby's "wife" instead of his "caregiver". But don't be surprised if it takes awhile before your emotions and energy returns.
Where my Dad lives, both the Independent Living section and the Assisted Living section have "smoking porches".
I am wondering if the vaping is not being allowed because of fire hazards associated with recharging the e-cigarette.
I do like that nicotine sales are illegal to someone under 18. I can't see making someone quit using when they're over 80. Pretty gestapo.
Other issues are at play. Mom is wheelchair bound and doesn't have enough strength to move herself around. A scooter is definitely out of the picture as she's lost her ability to learn how to drive something like that. A caregiver would gladly take her out there as it is just outside the front door. My big beef with this and it will be the umpteenth time I've brought it up in almost three years, is her pager will not work right outside the front door. We've had three different pagers and not one will work out there. They've never solved the problem for us. Because of this mom has extreme anxiety about being abandoned outside. She will refuse to go outside. I've tried getting her an easy to use flip phone with big numbers and the front desk number programmed in but she has never used it as she does not trust that to work either. I think she's really afraid she won't be able to figure it out and in reality she probably can't or won't as she's very stubborn.
At her previous AL, the pager would work anywhere on the grounds outside. Why these yahoos can't figure it out makes me want to bang my head against the wall. This issue MUST be solved if they are forcing her outside. Wish me luck!
Gee.....this is terrible the fact you think you and your husband could have maybe told your FIL about going to a senior home some time ago. Isn't it weird? I've had something like this happen, where you feel scared/nervous about telling someone something for fear it will upset them, only to find out that when you built up the courage to do so, they take the news o.k.
Maybe it is in part our own fear, and just plain fear about the situation in and of itself. I believe there are many reasons some either children/inlaws end up taking in a parent into their homes. As you've said, the old man didn't want to be lonely.
We still come from that generation also where elders were in many cases taken care of by children, instead of placing them in senior homes and the like.
But never minimize the very noble thing that you and your husband have done for this man. Not everyone has done this, and I think you blessed this man with the beautiful and kind attentions. Sure I know where you're coming from also in the sense he sounds like a very selfish, self-centered person, too and that it's definitely infringed upon your marriage.
I don't live with my mother, my sister does. But I can say that anyone who does this daunting task, WOW......you guys are all such special people, never forget that.
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
He agreed and will not approach her about it until 9/6, which coincidentally is when we take her to the dentist. She will be furious but my husband took the day off work so she can get her teeth cleaned as he lifts her into/from car and into/from dentist's chair. She tempers her anger around him and we can go to Walgreen's and get some nicotine patches or lozenges.
It won't be pretty but at least it's not during this very stressful week. Meanwhile, I will be demanding a working pager. Thanks for listening. You are all so kind.
No judgment here.
We live in the state (MN) where nothing is allowed. Not even an almost 80 year old vaping, 90% in her room. Candy cigs are not PC either. Hate this state. Wasn't born here and neither was mom. Life is a lot more sane in South Dakota.
Sorry about your dad, send. Cancer sucks all the way around.