The Caregiver... How are YOU doing today?

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The Caregiver... How are YOU doing today?

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This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.

I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.

Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.

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J JessieBelle Sep 2016 · Answer 1 · 2016-09-27T00:16:51.000-0400

Another possibility - could another resident have come into your mother's room? I had an uncle with dementia that wandered room to room in his nursing home. It would scare the female residents badly, so the facility made the family move him. If another resident was violent, it might explain what happened. You may never know. I hope it doesn't happen again.

M micalost Sep 2016 · Answer 2 · 2016-09-27T10:41:03.000-0400

she is in memory care. I am a bit frightened to upset the applecart with my email but I did speak to Everyone prior to sending it. They had wishy-washy non-answers.
The marks look exactly like two fingers and very dark.
Mom does wander and it was apparently Very early in the morning they found her- (an answer that keeps changing) yesterday an aid said 4am-
she had also questioned the head nurse about the marks and was told "the bruise spread from her cheek" - Uh.. and turned into two dark one inch lines?
I honestly cannot imagine how a person can fall on their neck.
What bothers me the most is how the story kept changing as to what happened that morning. "She hit her dresser. She was in the bathroom."

M micalost Sep 2016 · Answer 3 · 2016-09-27T10:41:33.000-0400

one inch wide lines that is

A anonymous281963 Sep 2016 · Answer 4 · 2016-09-27T13:17:43.000-0400

Right now, there should be someone sitting up overnight in your Mom's room, imo.

M micalost Sep 2016 · Answer 5 · 2016-09-27T16:38:16.000-0400

Ok after the email I sent with photo i got a good more clear phone call and explanation. They found her sitting up in the bathroom against the door. She does not go into other's rooms at night (does during day)
Because she was sitting up right away and thereafter, the bruise blood migrated down the side of her face and down her neck as time went on.
I actually looked it up and this IS what bruises do!
The nurses and staff held a meeting right after the fall about how to prevent future falls and are checking in on her more and keeping non-slip slippers on at night. Her bed cam is working.
Did blood work to see about anything, which i saw, and her numbers are perfect.
So I am calmer now.... you just want to protect them you know? so hard for me who has never even put a pet in a kennel...

C Countrymouse Sep 2016 · Answer 6 · 2016-09-27T16:43:35.000-0400

Hugs, Mica. You were right to be worried, and right to press for answers, and I'm glad the NH respected your concern and gave you detailed information. Sounds like a good, well-run place. But no, sadly, I know that can't stop you worrying - hugs again.

B bookluvr Sep 2016 · Answer 7 · 2016-09-29T05:41:54.000-0400

Thanks, Mica, for updating us. That's something good to know. I've never heard about that.

I turned down an all-expense trip to Manila and some cruises. If I cannot even find anyone to cover for me when I wanted to go off-island in the summer (when teacher niece is off and my other 2 full-time college nieces are off), how can I find someone for a week while I'm gone?

I would be joining the media/travel agent group flown to Manila, Philippines on Friday, afternoon on my own, dinner at Marriott, Annie show afterwards. Saturday a Gondola ride and end with a Sunset cruise. Sunday we fly to Singapore and then board a Superstar Gemini cruise roundtrip Singapore-Malaysia-back to Singapore on Wednesday, board the flight back to Manila. Overnight in Manila and have the whole day free time/shopping.

Do I regret not going? NO!!!! I have never ever had the desire to fly to Manila. Fave sis has always wanted to go because of the cheap shopping. I have so many Filipino friends who, they themselves, hire bodyguards when they go. And they speak the language! Two, it's typhoon season! In the past few months, Japan, Hong Kong, Taiwan have been hit by typhoons. Crazy to join a cruise during typhoon season.... Three - I've never ever wanted to go on a cruise - not even if it's free. Yep, I'm Not an adventurous person.

B bookluvr Sep 2016 · Answer 8 · 2016-09-29T05:52:43.000-0400

I need to find a handyman. Last year, I've tried changing my fire alert alarm's batteries in my bedroom. I had such bad vertigo, my whole body was swaying badly. Our livingroom ceiling light bulbs are both burnt out. I'm currently using the standing lamp to light the room. I will tell you from a recent experience, that when dad touches his poop and makes a mess, that d*rn light stand does NOT illuminate dad's body/bedding! On Sunday morning, I have asked my jobless grown-up nephew -of-next-door if he can change the bulbs. He walked away from our porch without responding. It's now Thursday. Nothing. I just can't do it myself because my vertigo and fear of heights are really bad. It's just so frustrating.

I just came home today. Cleared out the fridge with old food, cleaned the clogged kitchen sink, emptied out the food-slop bin, and took out the kitchen trash..... oh shoots! .... {{rushing out to the kitchen...}} I forgot I was boiling eggs at full heat! It's been boiling for over an hour. Again... I hope it's not yucky smelling and rubbery like the last time... =(

P pamzimmrrt Sep 2016 · Answer 9 · 2016-09-29T21:28:18.000-0400

Oh Book I can;t believe your brother and his kids can;t even help you change a light! ( But I do believe it...) As for the eggs.. boil for 5 minutes, then turn them off and let them sit a bit...They will be cooked! Use those 5 minutes to take some deep breaths! Or kick your families butts! As for the cruise and trips,, the more I take with my elders, the more I just want to stay home!

B bookluvr Sep 2016 · Answer 10 · 2016-09-30T06:05:29.000-0400

Pam, I always thought you were the epitome of patience to go as escort with the older generation to casinos and cruises.... I realized I don't have patience with other older generations when I attended the caregiver meeting. The 'grandma' caregiver reminded me soooo much of my dad. I clenched my teeth to avoid telling her off.

You need some me-time that doesn't involve the elderlies. 😉

B bookluvr Sep 2016 · Answer 11 · 2016-09-30T07:28:01.000-0400

I've been brainstorming. I'm under 5 feet tall. Our Livingroom ceiling is about double my height. I was able to change the kitchen lightbulbs because it was attached to the ceiling fan and not the ceiling. So the height wasn't too bad. I set 2 sturdy diningroom chairs side by side. I was able to change the bulbs by closing my eyes as I got on top of the chairs, change the bulbs by feeling, etc... Vertigo was still bad but with my eyes closed, I didn't feel like I was falling or the room spinning.

If it stops raining tomorrow, I'm going to look for one of the standing ladder, close my eyes as I climb up and change the bulbs. But just in case I fall, I will make sure no sharp objects are exposed. And to have the cellphone on me - in case I need to call for help. I need to learn to do things on my own by thinking outside the box. Family next door...pshaw.!! ...

C cwillie Sep 2016 · Answer 12 · 2016-09-30T08:13:32.000-0400

Book, I have trouble when I have nothing to grab on to steady myself, invest in a 6' aluminum step ladder and don't look down. If you have fixtures where you can leave the bulb exposed a light bulb changer on a pole would be even better.

B bookluvr Oct 2016 · Answer 13 · 2016-10-07T10:50:40.000-0400

Sigh... What I thought was a skin tag on the back of my left top shoulder- changed into this big ugly shaped wart. The doc asked me some questions about it, then she said that she will freeze it off but the insurance may not cover it because it's cosmetic. If the insurance won't cover it, I will be billed for $120.00. Well, she froze it. A week later, in my sleep, it broke off. I woke up, and it was ... fluidy. So, that morning, I band-aid it before going to work. That night, when I took off the band-aid, it was very red where the sticky tape was. I figured since I'm slightly allergic latex gloves (my knuckles become red and itchy, then stings while wearing the gloves), maybe my body's reacting the same way to the band aid's adhesive. I wasn't paying attention, but I found myself scratching the band aid.

Two days later, today, I came home and took off the band-aid. OMGoodness! What I thought was allergy to the band-aid's tape - is actually new warts!!!! I see one that is round and looks like it would have pus in it. Oh no!!!! I've been googling home remedies. Tomorrow, I'm going to buy Vit E Oil, bananas and potato. Nope, I won't do the apple cider vinegar since I tried that before when I had a wart on my fat toe. It's not good on your good skin. Well, time for bed..after I figure out how to tape those warts...

C cwillie Oct 2016 · Answer 14 · 2016-10-07T11:26:32.000-0400

I've never heard of warts that have pus and fluid, are you sure your doctor know what he is talking about??
Once you get the infection under control you can think about the wart remedies (if that's what it really is), my sis had a plantar wart that she finally got rid of with the duct tape method.

B bookluvr Oct 2016 · Answer 15 · 2016-10-07T11:48:56.000-0400

I can't really see it well. I thought maybe a cyst. It started as a standing skin tag and then grew odd-shaped round. Not smooth round but bulgy. She said it's a wart. I guess I can hold off the home remedies until my follow-up on Wednesday. The thing is, she said it would take several treatments. I don't want to pay $120 per visit. Thanks, for your input.

A anonymous281963 Oct 2016 · Answer 16 · 2016-10-07T11:58:07.000-0400

Bookluvr,
"Any change in a mole, skin tag, wart, or change in color, irregular borders must be checked out" is the standard of care. Your doctor is wrong about not being covered by health insurance. Just wrong, and shows inexperience.

It, (whatever "it" is) is NOT just a cosmetic procedure!
If it bothers you, bleeds, changes, interferes with your clothing-and a million other reasons why it is NOT COSMETIC.

Presenting yourself before the doc "because of changes" is reason enough to obtain a biopsy. Makes it "suspicious", requires a proper diagnosis.

The doc should know how to write this up for insurance to cover the procedure.

See a different doc, because now it is infected, torn off, growing, with pus. You may have been misdiagnose. See an urgent care doc, today, because today is Friday. Think 'excision' instead of burning it off, think 'biopsy', think 'infection'.

Not aware of any suitable home remedies that can treat a botched medical treatment. imo.

You can, and should return to report the issues you are having. This part must be covered, now that you definitely have a covered condition. You can always call your insurance company and ask where to go now.

I also agree with Cwillie's advice here.

Of course, this advice is the warning label-type. I did work temporary for a dermatologist, but Stacey will know more.
But not over-the-top from what you have written. imo.

Take good care of our Book!

A anonymous281963 Oct 2016 · Answer 17 · 2016-10-07T12:01:46.000-0400

Melaleuca Oil.

B bookluvr Oct 2016 · Answer 18 · 2016-10-07T17:03:35.000-0400

Send, it was the change of the standing skin tag that got me worried. Cancer is very prevalent here. A person dies of cancer - every 3 days. Cancer treatment offices are popping up. My oldest sister's granddaughter died of bone cancer at age 10. My first cousin from mom's side is fighting cancer. My first cousin from dad's side is dying of cancer (went through the treatments and....) his wife refuses to accept him making final arrangements for her and the kids care when he dies. She was upset because it's like he's giving up. I gently told her that he NEEDS to do this. Please be understanding because this will give him peace of mind. She just stared at me.... So many people that I know - have died of cancer. When the doctor said wart, I was more than happy to accept that diagnosis... I don't have the finance to deal with cancer treatment- not even with the 20% copayment.
I will wait for Wednesday for the follow up.

A anonymous281963 Oct 2016 · Answer 19 · 2016-10-07T17:43:58.000-0400

I understand Book.

P pamzimmrrt Oct 2016 · Answer 20 · 2016-10-07T18:03:43.000-0400

Good luck with the wart thing.. I had some pre cancers frozen off my thigh last year and got hives from the stuff.. but better than cancer! It should be covered by your insurance if she codes it as pre cancer . I had a wart once and the OTC stuff worked pretty well.. Compound W ? But it;s not fast, took a few weeks.

as for my travel duties,, I am running low on patience some times! I tend to "hoover" and it stresses us all out! Mom is going to Aunts next week for 2 weeks again, and this really helps!

S staceyb Oct 2016 · Answer 21 · 2016-10-07T21:54:02.000-0400

BOOKLUVR, 1st off, I doubt very much that its cancer! I worked in Dermatology and it is not at all unusual for a "MOTHER WART" to sprout babies in the near vacinity, if they are bothered, picked at or treated. You have to remember, that Warts are a virus, and if disturbed, can and will spread, but now that it is red and angry at the site of the treated original wart, it is no longer a Cosmetic thing it's a wound, and should be billed to your insurance as such! Make sure you ask the Dr to code it this way at your follow up! She may wish to treat the new "Baby Warts" with the liquid nitrogen once again, but again, they are a virus that will eventually run their course and go away on their own, its up to you, if you can stand the sight of them, and if you won't pick at them. Now, I'm only going by what you/your Dr said, that the original bump was a Wart. After Liquid Nitrogen treatment, its not unusual for the bump to become inflamed and red, but it does sound like you have had a tape reaction, and possibly there has been a spread of the virus. I definitely would get it checked again!

When my daughter was little, she had a wart virus pop up up on her tummy. There was one bigger one, the about 10 more little ones that popped up near it. Then the big one got scratched somehow, became red and angry, then it disappeared, and then all the little ones did too, over the course of about 4 weeks time. It is of course difficult to diagnose over the Internet, and I'm no Dr, but it does sound familiar! Get it rechecked by your Dr! 😀 I hope this helped!

A anonymous281963 Oct 2016 · Answer 22 · 2016-10-07T22:07:33.000-0400

Wow Stacey! You are a real friend to answer for Bookluvr, and it sounds so professional and just right. Now, I don't think it is cancer!

See Book, We've got your back!

Caregivers together, heloing other caregivers-really nice!

Thanks everyone!

B bookluvr Oct 2016 · Answer 23 · 2016-10-08T06:45:01.000-0400

Thanks Stacy, Send. I really do appreciate it more than you all think.

Sorry, all. Lately I've been having one problem after another. I think it's the constant stress all these years, and it doesn't help with dad now into some minor sundowning - it's finally affecting my immune system. I can't believe how constant this thought has been floating in my head lately, these past few weeks: "I'll take the daily migraine headaches anytime." Having new health issues - one new stuff after another is frustrating me. I can honestly say that I am just so miserable .. as in the tummy area and now the warts. And those warts are sooooo itchy. Wednesday seems too far away.

I tried reading my ebook, reading here, but.. I just can't concentrate.

Oh.. fave niece and I had more ... oh! gotta go! Please don't let this mean I now have diarrhea!!! I really need to work on de-stressing and building up my immune system....

P Patticake2 Oct 2016 · Answer 24 · 2016-10-08T10:03:05.000-0400

I am two years with my mom living with us because of mental and physical decline. I disappoint myself daily with my attitude. I thought I would rise to this as I did with my dad, but I am not. My dad's was different in that it was faster and more severe. This with mom is creepingly slow and I wonder if I can do it. We don't talk much since she has moved into my dining room. Just basics. Mom gets along wonderfully with my husband. I am truly blessed by his care of her. I am the maid and house keeper. Ha, saying that I see why she doesn't talk with me. How many people talk to your service people. Seriously, it is my fault with the talking issue. I'm not a talk about nothing person. I want meaningful conversations and mom won't do that.i thought at this time of life I would get time with my mom and I am mad I am not getting to know her. My sister and brother got her best and I am left with this person who sits in her chair all day and watches the birds. My sister is dead and my brother has nothing to do with her but two minute phone calls to keep his money coming. I don't like this and yet I am bound to take care of my mother and to honor her.

K kellse Oct 2016 · Answer 25 · 2016-10-08T11:16:54.000-0400

Book, try reading something trashy or fluffy, something that doesn't need a lot of concentration. I found reading stuff like a book of bloopers or cartoons works for me

J John's girl Oct 2016 · Answer 26 · 2016-10-08T18:57:35.000-0400

Patticake- felt like I was reading my own words reading yours.... my dad passed quickly and had so many who loved him I had more help than I needed. Mom, slow... first 3 years back and forth staying at her house and running there several times a day, then two years in my house- where I really felt like I lost my friendship with her and became her servant, and now 4 months into her having to be in nursing home that is so close I am called by her all day to fetch things. My brother gets to visit and play games with her and laugh. I feel like no matter where I am, how I distract myself, I feel dread. It's harder and harder to focus at work. I have kids and a spouse and he's a Saint for standing by me and helping so much. He handles her laundry because the stress has taken its toll on my immune system. This site has been the only place I feel not so alone. My parents were about 40 when they had me so my friends aren't going through this yet.

V Veronica91 Oct 2016 · Answer 27 · 2016-10-08T21:09:10.000-0400

Book you have had good advice about your wart(s) I think you are probably sensitive to the adhesive on the band aids and the baby warts took advantage of the inflamed skin. Next time use a plain gauze pad and keep it on with paper tape.
The cancer rate on your island is probably due to the nuclear tests done in the vicinity years ago. This stuff can take thousands of years to go away. As you may recall some of the islands still can't be inhabited.
Can you try ear plugs so you can sleep during the sundowning. You know he won't be able to fall out of bed everything else can wait till you wake up.

B bookluvr Oct 2016 · Answer 28 · 2016-10-09T03:25:11.000-0400

Patti, John's girl - unfortunately,I didn't thin the same when it came to dad. Mom was hard - from the beginning. She was feisty, violent. From the time she was diagnosed with dementia to her death, it took about 23-24 years. So, when dad became bedridden (along now with bedridden mom), I knew what was ahead with dad's situation. hrmph! He was abusive before his senility. {shrug} I had no red-colored lens glasses on what's ahead with His situation. I'm just so glad that you both had it good with your mom. Envious, but glad. =)

As for siblings... yeah, you read about them all over this website. BUT, there are some great non-24 hour siblings here who do help as much as they can. I think they're great to try to help out.

Veronica, yeah... 2 more baby ones popped up late this morning...along the band-aid's line! Your comment just reinforced what I Suspected. I'm really really trying not to panic because my imagination is just flying all over the place. You know what's so terrible? I already Knew I was going to find the new ones even before I saw it. I get this 'tingling' underneath the skin area. Even though I looked at it - nope did not touch it - this morning - I saw nothing. I was not one bit surprised when it finally popped up. Right where the 'tingling' was. I still have a large box of 4x4 non-woven sponges when I stocked up for mom's trache/stomache tube care. Thanks for reminding me that I can use those to cover it tonight when I go to bed.

B bookluvr Oct 2016 · Answer 29 · 2016-10-09T03:42:56.000-0400

I've been talking to my nieces about their grandpa. His mouth is very terrible with them. Abusive. Nurse-to-be niece said that with her, it's also sexual comments. Fave niece said for her - it's only the verbal abuse, no sexual ones. Other niece-in-law absolutely refuses to now visit us - due to dad's sexual comments.

I remember comments from Ladee about one of her clients. Her client was becoming violent and only showed it to Ladee. But not to her daughter. Even though Ladee warned the daughter about this, the daughter didn't believe her - because her mom was 'normal' when around her. I worry about this and dad. If you all recall, he was abusive to me until recently. I've mentioned here how he has changed a lot! Now, with my 3 nieces telling me how he is towards them, I now wonder if he's pulling the wool over MY eyes. And I fell for it - hook, line and sinker. Fave niece already told me that she's not foolish to go near grandpa. He's threatened violence to her. Now.... I... I'm just tired of it all.

I took leave for this Tuesday to Saturday. I told oldest sis that I'm off on Tuesday. So, she's off on Tuesday, and I will cover for her. She needs a vacation from her daily boring grind of not-doing-much job. But I also don't want her to have another nervous breakdown while living here. She needs time off from dad and jumping to his every demands. {{{eyes rolling}}}

By the way, Veronica, I did think of ear plugs except I have tinnitus. "beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep" nonstop. You know when you go to the clinic and they put you alone in that exam room waiting for the doctor to come in? I hate that because I can hear that "beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep" is really really loud. {chuckling} However, when dad started the sundowning, I Did dig up my earplugs that I bought for my trip last year. It's on the shelf - in case I get desperate enough to try it. =)

P pamzimmrrt Oct 2016 · Answer 30 · 2016-10-10T18:27:21.000-0400

Well I have a hot pink cast and a nifty wheelchair(knee scooter onThur thanks to friends!) If it still looks good next Monday I avoid surgury... but no weight on it atall for 4 weeks. That is alot harder than you think,, But I am going to be as good as possible.. don;t want surgury!

The Caregiver... How are YOU doing today?

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