This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Personally, I prefer to get it all out by chug-a-lugging 6 oz. of 7 up just before, don't try this at home, don't know why I shared that. But, vomiting is never fun, this eases the process, prevents dry heaves for me, and decreases a repeat.
If anything escapes up the nose during, rather it be 7 Up.
Send, I agree, the dry heaves are the worst.
Send - I think you're a masochist. 7-Up???? Isn't that acidic going down from your mouth. Doesn't it come back as vomit just as sharp? Wouldn't that burn the throat/nose on the way out?
I had to call another client about a booking he made for one of his employees. I wasn't about to make a $1700.00 vs $3000.00 airfare difference. He chose the one that I would have NOT chosen - whew!!! Anyway, before we broke off on the phone, I told him that I will be on leave next week. His immediate reaction was: "I hate it when you go on leave!" {{{ I'm really really exhausted. I appreciate his comment but I need time off from work and dad. I couldn't even respond at all to that outburst. My brain is so slushy lately.}}} Usually comments like this would make me feel soooo good. But I didn't feel as elated as I usually do. I think I'm really too tired to appreciate. My brain is so tired of thinking, thinking, thinking - whether I'm feeling good or not.
And sis got locked outside of the house when she went out to smoke. The kitchen screen door locks from the Inside of the house. The lock has to be turned several times before it finally clicks to open or to lock. Somehow she got locked outside. SIL called me and said that I locked oldest sis out. I did not! I use the livingroom exit door (the kitchen door and the livingroom door opens into our front outdoor porch) when I leave for work. Oldest sis uses the kitchen door. I did NOT lock her out. Anyway, the kitchen door - finally unlocked itself for sis to go back in.... When I came home, I asked sis about the incident.
You all know that we have spirits in and outside the house. Sis sees them. I sense them. Lately, for the past couple of months, I've been very very jumpy. Sis keeps 'popping' in front of me, and I literally scream in fear with heart pounding. Turning the corner, opening the door, etc... Sis was always scaring me - where I scream like a silly teenager. (Grrrr!!!)
This is serious. It's not good if the 'playful' spirits decide to start locking oldest sis outside when she goes out to smoke. Dad will be by himself inside the house. Who knows what the 'old lady' would persuade him to do. I told oldest sis that maybe from now on, don't close the metal screen door completely shut. Sis got all freaked out, shivered all over and nodded..... Every time dad mentions seeing someone (spirit or hallucination), I always ask sis if she sees them. I'm always so glad when she says No. ...
So she arrives with bags full of groceries, and 2 days of yummy meal plans! She likes to cook at my house, as it's right off the family room, so its more of a social experience! I personally, don't like to cook anymore, as my husband and FIL are so picky, but she knows this, and chose meals that she knows they will enjoy. Last night, we had Shepards Pie, So Good, with salad andvrolls. Right now, she's in there fixing breakfast! Tonight its pork roast! Wow, a girl could get used to this! I feel bad for not helping, but she thinks of it as EARNING HER KEEP, LOL! It's so great to have a sister like this, and I'm still lazing in my jammies! Off to get spoiled now, have a great day everyone!
Stacey, I'm so envious of you! Wouldn't it be great if my oldest sis living with us could at least cook once a day for US (and not just for herself)? When dad was normal before his stroke (sis moved in when he became bedridden), he would have dinner ready for us. He would wait until I came home from work so that we can talk and eat together. Now since he's bedridden, I miss that. I come home, find something for dinner and handle him at same time. Sis disappears immediately once I get home.
I'm not much of a cook. Okay, let's be honest, I don't know how to cook. The few rare times l desired to teach myself to cook, I was too impatient. I would turn the burner to max high and rush the cooking. I even bought that long grill (long flat burner that you can cook multiple pancakes on) just so that I can cook all those sliced spams at one time, and then cook 3 over medium eggs at one time. I just have no patience at all with cooking.... I was daydreaming what it's like to have a sister with that attitude. Yum!!
After I get up from bed, wake up dad, change and feed him, I will have my ice coffee, cook rice in the rice pot, fry the bacon and over medium eggs for breakfast. Well, I've never cooked bacon. This will be a first time. Ooh, I'm getting hungry just talking about it. 7:30am, time to get up if I want that bacon!
I've decided my breakfast will be dinner... And I have no appetite at all....
Moved my 92 year old mother from Ft. Lauderdale to Lexington Ky . After 2 major falls, and 2 months in rehab. Lives in nice Independent Living in Lexington now. Very tough minded, independent. Now demands to go back to her empty condo. Can i prevent her? Calling airlines etc.... She probably could pass a dimentia test, and appear lucid.
I am just in a real depression, and have lost my joy in life. Have a high end tech job that requires extensive focus, and that is really difficult.
I've even wished for the end for her... She just sucks the life out of me and alot of stuff from teenage years all come back now....
I just want to say - about your "wished the end for her" - we do that because we're being hurt by someone. If they passed, then we think we could stop worrying, get more peace of mind, not be in such a panic over our Loved Ones. Re-experiencing some of the trauma and bad feelings from childhood is common, I think. I've felt it. Just talked to a girlfriend on the phone last night who just this past week started helping care for her father who's had a stroke, and she calls me up in full anxiety attack mode. She's seeking closure on old hurts, that's WHY she wants to care for her father. I personally feel like she has a better chance of experiencing new hurt, or reliving the old ones, than getting closure...
So there are a lot of deep emotions/feelings tied in to some people's caregiving experience.
Mom surely has a primary doctor in KY. Does doc know that mom is trying to go back to FL? What does Doc say about it? Your mom may listen to Doc tell her to stay put, that she can't return. Does it seem to you that her wanting to up and move back is more agitation and dissatisfaction with her life in KY, or does she genuinely want to return to Florida and independence? If mom is having agitation, then it might be time for a behavioral/psych assessment for her.
You need to do something to help for your depression, right? There are options you can try that don't involve meds. There may be a support group in your area, there is talk therapy (and that would help with the recurring bad feelings from childhood), and there's this wonderful website you've found. Keep posting. :-)
So sorry, Jim, for what you're going through.
When a parent is not declared incompetent, there's really nothing much you can do for them unless they want to. My dad had pneumonia and refused to go to the clinic/ER. He got so bad, I called and begged 911 to send an ambulance. They came. He refused. They left - his right to not go to the hospital. I called Adult Protective Service - they told me that it is his right not to go to the hospital. I went to an elder law attorney and was told the same thing. My hands were tied - even though I knew he was in a really bad shape healthwise. Dad finally gave him when he couldn't breathe (left lung was almost filled with fluid.)
It would have been so nice if she just found new friends in her new home. Too bad she didn't.
I know what you mean about how the memories of your childhood tends to creep up suddenly. Sometimes I wonder what the heck I'm doing here - my parents weren't exactly... anyway, lately as he now enters the anger stage, my childhood memories tend to pop up lately when he gets angry at me. I have all the reactions of what I had gone through as a child - the frozen in place, staring at him with fear into his angry scary eyes, heart beating so fast - and definitely not wanting to go near him because he might punch me... I sometimes find myself responding angrily to clients at work. So hard to keep your home life and your work life separately. Whatever you do - do not let it affect your work. Work is a lifesaver from 'them' the parents.
Is there a way to see someone in the elderly community that can give you pointers to get your mother to like her new home? A senior citizen club (we have here the dancers who love to go to the night market and dance the cha-cha), etc... If she can just find a friend worth staying there. I don't know.... You take care.
Even if someone is bed-bound, a caregiver can get out. I mean, what would they do? Sit on the bed all day and watch someone sleep? That sounded flippant, but it was meant sincerely.
A vacation would be nice, but that would mean someone would have to come into the house -- a definite no-no for my mother. Book is not in the same position, since she is not alone caring for her father.
I know how to cook, but its not damn fun for the picky eatersvin my home, so hubby does most of the cooking these days. When my sister was here for those 3 days, we had a great time, cooking and eating, watched a few movies, as she loves that, and we got out to go to the Casino for 3 hours, and No, I didn't Win, darnit!
Sister moved on to spend a couple of nights at her daughter's house, as the RAT situation is still in affect at her house. Her husband is So Lazy! I know that if I left our house over a Rat issue, my husband would turn this house upside down, figuring it out! I spoke with her hubby today, and he said that he could hear a rat underneath their stove, scratching about and it sounded like Freddy Kruger down there, but "it couldn't find its way out"! I said to him, why don't you just take the bottom plate/grill off from below the oven and trap it, but all he had was excuses about how bad his back hurt! Really? He's an A**! So, she will probably be back at my house in the next few days, as definitely won't go home until its fixed, and the Rat is gone, but how is he going to prove that, I'll never know! He'll probably just lie to her, and then she will FREAK OUT when she hears something! Lol! OMG, the drama continues!
Anyways, I hope all is going well with you and your family! That's my story and I'm sticking to it! Lol!
Hi all, hope you are All doing great!