This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
It's when posters like you think you're the only one who has it hard. I didn't have a life. It was work and caregiving.... Mom's last 14 years was bedridden with trache, stomach tube, 24/7 oxygen, completely vegetative state...still just me and dad. Dad had the day shifts, I took over after work. Mom needed constant suctioning every 19-15 minutes or else she choked on her phlegm, saliva. Dad was knocked out by 7pm. He doesn't change her pampers. I came home during my 1 hour lunch to change it. Nights, I changed it by myself. Mom was dead weight and automatically kept trying to go on her back, so I stacked lots of pillows on and behind her to keep her on her sides as I cleaned her.
Dad, mom's full time caregiver, finally had a stroke 4 years ago. I now had 2 bedridden parents. Not One of my 7 siblings offered to help. It's Not Their Problem....D*mn family invite me to parties or dinner but didn't think I would need someone to cover both bedridden parents. Worked full time job because I'm Not Independently Wealthy. Our food pantry is basically empty most of the time. I dread when we get guests because I have to offer my meager food which is a Cup-o-noodle. I had to pay oldest sibling to help me with both bedridden parents in the form of Babysitting which did not include changing their pampers......
I started blacking out, suicidal. Therapist asked me to tell my sibs about my suicidal, need their help with the parents. I resisted telling the therapist they didn't help the past 20-some years,... I asked. No response....
Mom finally died. Pressure cooker released a few pressures. I finally went on a 2 week vacation last year. I had a free ticket for this year. My family thought it was easier to cover for me last year since mom is not here and it's only dad. Ha! This year no one wanted to cover for me. Instead of giving my free ticket to family, l gave it to my boss- that's worth up to $2400.00.
I'm sooooo tired. I spent half my life caregiving parents. My religious leader asked me on one of his recent visits if I regretted finding God. I said No. I regretted learning what the Bible said....
Dad's becoming angry and violent. I'm getting childhood flashbacks and even violent mom flashbacks. I'm still hanging on trying to keep everything together and not break into pieces. Oh, d*mn, tears.. I've suspected I'm going thru depression- no appetite, waking up so exhausted....
I'm sorry. I'm too exhausted to respond to other posts here.. I'm in too much pain to think. Writing above gave my headache a boost up in the pain department. Thanks everyone. I do read on a few threads but rarely comment.
Why would any caregiver want to make this a battle of "who has it worse"...? We're here to support each other. If you're not here for that, kindly see your way out. I'm here to support all of you in your individual situations. Mine is not same as yours, duh, yours is not same as mine.
When I had a major blowup at my dad this past April, I PM'd book and only book about it. I knew she would at least not judge me, and I needed to tell someone who might understand. I treasure you here on AC, book, and I'm sure I'm not the only one. Like I said, sorry that you felt you even owed it to another poster to defend yourself. Big (((((hugs)))))
Dear book ...
Moved all her furniture to Independent living.
Chronic complainer, talks non stop, Hyper critical, etc.
I left to join navy at 18, never went back..
Now 40 years later, it's like it was yesterday.
Really anti religious .. And I became a Christian 20 years ago.
Now is threatening to fly back to her empty condo, and is packing her bags..
Can hardly walk many days..
Been almost 3 months and I'm worn out.
Jlm, I'm sorry that you're in this situation. I cried when I knew my Christian duty. For a while, my religion and my closeness with God protected me from responding back to my very negative, controlling father. The constant dripping from negative dad slowly eroded my armor of the fruitage of the spirit. I recall going into depression because I was getting unChristianlike thoughts. I'm glad my dad wasn't anti religious..just anti my religion. Funny don't you think? It was due to my new religion that I stayed to help him.... Truly, as long as your mother is not declared incompetent and a danger to herself, there's nothing you can do... How can you stop her? I'm so sorry...
Do you know what my fave niece said today? I told her a story about a woman calling the police because there was a confused elderly woman in her yard. The police went house to house knocking on doors to find her home. They found the house and the family didn't even know that their mother had wandered out....Niece said that she's glad that grandpa is bedridden. Because he's becoming confused and wants to go home, and with his anger and violence, we would have had a difficult time with him...
So jlm, I get where you're coming from. I think you need to call someone who knows the ropes about elderly people. What you can do and cannot do. Our local govt has a division for the elderly. Maybe you can visit them, talk to someone and pick up some pamphlets. They'll help you if you ask, like my dad did when mom was diagnosed with dementia. I'm sorry I don't have much advice to help you. Cyber hug? {{{{{HUGS}}}}
Love you Book, hugs
1. If the rat is not smart and gets caught, you will hear all night it's squeal of pain and panic. All night. You feel soooo bad because that squealing just pulls the heartstrings.... Then morning arrives and you suddenly realize you don't know what to do with it... How do you move it from the kitchen to outside the house??? Call the male next door neighbor, that's what you do. Hope you're in talking terms...
2. If the captured rat has a smarter sibling, that ingenious rat knows how to get out of the released trap. It now avoids that route. And the trap is avoided at all cost by smarty rat.
a) so you decide to move the trap to another wall. The next morning, the rat dragged the tarp over the trap. (Really, it did!)
b) since rat is smarter than me, I called nephew for help. He comes over with this rectangle cage, attach meat inside. When the rat enters and pulls the meat, the cage door closes. (I eyed the cage and had real doubts it would work. It worked.
I like the suggestion about calling the exterminator. Expensive but ....
When I was a kid the workers in the fields would tie string round the bottoms of their trousers when they were cutting corn (the English variety) so the rats did not run up their trouser legs. The rabites they simply shot for dinner. It was war time after all.
Oh, and the mouse/rat is supposed to stay alive, but in my case, it fell asleep, then woke up and had a tiny panic attack, and died of heart failure. (I suppose if I woke up in a coffin, I'd have a panic attack too, but it wouldn't be tiny.)
We need an Edit button!! In the worst way!!
She complains constantly, and i'm sick of it. I am ready to let her go, and the hell with it.
My life is now dealing with this crap twice a day, she lives 8 min from me at Independent Living place.
Was a loner for 30 years, and "just doesn't need anybody"...
She accidentally took 6 days of meds last week, as she got confused on her med box.
I feel i need a shrink, and its only been 3 months since i moved her.
sorry for rant... i'm tired....
//thanks
Hard part too - vacant homes are frowned upon by insurance companies and unless things are at all likely to change with regards to Mom's inability to move back and live independently or with the degree of help it would take, should she even be able to accept it - you probably have to start thinking about getting incapacity letters (assuming you already have financial and healthcare POA) so you can sell. You may not need a shrink for yourself, as much as you need a good talk with a geriatric social worker or admissions director for an assisted living facility about your mom's actual abilities to manage even in independent living. I know when my mom's neighbors talked about how she was "sharp as a tack" it tore me up and really slowed me down in doing what needed done - I kept hoping she'd be able to go home way longer than I should have (though not as long as she did :-)
Since your Mom got confused with her pill box, my Dad did the same thing, I had to get him "medicine care" option where all the pills are kept in the nurses office at Independent Living, and the "med techs" came around twice a day to give him his required dose... yes, there was a fee for that, but well worth it.
It took me months to finally learn how to speak with my Dad when he was "sundowning" with dementia. I learned to just agree with what he was saying as I knew he would forget it an hour later.... that turned out to be a win-win for both of us. It made him feel good, and the same with me [sorta]. It was a quick fix until the next day.
My parents had passed not that long ago, and I am finally seeing a talk therapist who is my age and had gone through taking care of her elderly Mom... finally a person face to face who DID understand :)
Is getting visits at home from a physical therapist - what does his doctor say about his level of progress?
If instead of a cigarette break can you take a 10 minute walk ?
Sometimes folks behave worst around their family than hired care professionals - can you get help temporarily or when you go back to work ?
Yuki, two weeks in your husband should be dialling back on the pain meds and beginning to feel a lot better. After all, you have a hip replacement to *stop* hip pain, not make it worse. When is his next follow-up appointment? I'd want to check his surgeon is satisfied with his rate of progress, if I were you.