This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
If I remember correctly, wasn't she taking care of her Mom at home, and then Boni had a heart attack?
Burnout. That's what I need to avoid. "What's for Dinner" is considered a Burnout thread/question. What we do here when we talk about anything/everything is partly social, but it definitely serves another purpose for those of us still in difficult ongoing caregiving situations. For all of my problems now, today, they are nothing compared to how low I used to be, the different physical and mental problems I've had over several years due to the responsibility, stress, never ending problems, and no support from hurtful family.
Just trying not to slip back into depression or anxiety, and keep moving forward, one day at a time.
This is where you and I differ in our viewpoints. I do not see agingcare as a social forum at all. I see it, and think it's intended purpose, was a forum for supporting the serious issues of caregivers. There are other ways to socialize with your friends that you met on this site. Start a chat line amongst those of you that want to discuss issues about non-CAREGIVING daily events in your lives. Go to FB which is a true socialization site and write your non-CAREGIVING exchanges about your daily life there. Set up a group text exchange, set up a time to include all your friends on this site in conference calls where you can chit-chat about whatever you want as a group.
I did have an issue that was bothersome to me and I posted it. It was not intended to denigrate ANYONE and that is not my style. But after my post I received a backlash of comments from Bookluvr friends that were very defensive. Did I not know about her bad childhood, requesting an apology from me to her, accusations of denigrating her etc. etc. then came your comment about wasn't I ready to enjoy the small things in life. Of course I am and am doing so which was inferred by me saying I am practicing living in the moment and not in the past or looking to far into the future which is not here yet. Every morning I start my day on my deck with my dog that I rescued a year ago. With coffee in hand we sit out there one to two hours listening to the birds sing while I putter in my new gardens. My old gardens were neglected in the past two years because I had no time or energy to dedicate to them so I rebuilt them all over this past spring. I meditate and spend much time praying or just having a full blown out loud long conversation with God giving thanks for putting me through a challenging struggle and then bringing me out the other side. Realizing that life was not meant to be easy and that God puts struggles in your life to teach you lessons that you need for growth. I cook regularly for an ailing couple next door. I volunteer through my neighborhood association to do things like sit with a sick person to give some reprieve time to the primary caregiver. I transport people to doctors appointments and to and from medical procedures where anesthesia is administered therefore they cannot drive themselves to the hospital. I am reconnecting with old friends and made a few new ones along the way. I'm having my dog trained as a comfort service dog which is a daily commitment. This year I remodeled much of my house something I could not do while Rich lived here because he damaged much of my house (not intentionally) with his wheelchair. My house is now a reflection of my own taste not that of the former owners. I have spent this year trying to regain my own health that was seriously compromised by 10 years of caring for 3 different people. I was gravely ill for much of this year and it took four specialists to figure out that my psychiatrist had pumped me full of meds that did not interact well with each other and I could not metabolize that combination of meds properly. I was in effect being poisoned to death by the doctor that was supposed to counsel me about how to get through the struggles related to past abuse and caregiving. So the answer is a resounding "YES" I am not only trying but succeeding in celebrating the large and small joys of this life. I am a strong woman who has the best of intentions. But my post here about how I felt about so many posts that were unrelated to caregiving was blown totally out of proportion and many of you challenged my intent and judged me harshly and personally.
My point has been entirely misconstrued. Therefore, I shall no longer participate on this forum because a social forum is not what I need when I am on this site. I know my previous comments have been helpful and appreciated by many. So I will just leave it with that parting remark. I wish all of you the best in you endeavors and hope you receive the peace and gratitude all caregivers deserve.
After reading your most recent writing, it is fantastic that you are volunteering your time to help others. I do volunteer work myself but it is at a local regional hospital one morning each weekend but I am just at the information desk... I do better logistically then hands-on care.
This forum right here is "no one ever asks how the caregiver is doing" so that covers a lot of ground, lot of issues, simple or complex. There are many other forums on AgingCare [click on ASK A QUESTION at the top of the page] that deal directly with one certain issue, such as Power of Attorney.... Probate.... walk-in bathtubs.... relatives stealing from elder.... which type of Depends to use.... etc.
That was my only point and my personal little vent. I came back to this site after taking a much needed break from reading the stories of people who were literally at their breaking point, totally overwhelmed and exhausted with the demands of being a sole caregiver to a loved one. Caring for ONE person can be traumatic, leave you feeling inadequate, helpless and hopeless. We all start on our caregiving journey with the best of intentions and mostly because we love the person we are currently caring for, have empathy for them and think our efforts will make a difference in their lives. Most of us go in blindly and underestimate the commitment and the toll it will take on our personal lives if we do it for years and years in lieu of a shorter period of time. Taking care of one person is a real struggle but I found myself in the predicament of taking care of three simultaneously. I am in no way suggesting I had it worse off than those caring for just one. Some of us find ourselves caring for someone who was extremely abusive to us (usually a parent) which is a whole other issue entirely. If you are caring for a loved one with dementia or Alzheimer's you never know from one minute to the next what might be coming your way. It is the cruelest disease of all. You watch the decline of a person you once thought you knew well and suddenly you can't find THAT person anywhere. They often are unrecognizable to you anymore and become combative, accusatory, hateful and bitter and their caregiver becomes a target to them. You try to be empathetic and understanding but it is hard when you can no longer rationalize with this person about anything.
I think ALL caregivers are a special breed. Not everyone can do it because it takes great strength, both mental and physical, incredible organizational skills and tough skin.
When I revisited the site in a section called "how are YOU doing today" I seemed to find a great number of posts from a small group of people that didn't address issues relative to caregiving. It appeared to me that this group was utilizing this forum as a social forum instead of a support forum. I expressed my opinion and have been accused of being abusive, rude, out of line and unkind. Therefore, I will not be returning to any general discussion on this site. However, I invite you to contact me on my wall and I will be happy to listen to your concerns and see if I can be of assistance to you in any way as you face the many challenges that might become part of your journey. Upon closing at this time I will go to my wall and send you a hug. Watch for it. You will get a message that says I sent a hug to you. Best wishes. Stay strong. If you are a praying girl. Start NOW!!!
I worked in a coffee section of a gourmet store in high school. So many flavored coffee beans: frangelico, hazelnut, chocolate, fruit flavors, amaretto... Personally I think the flavored beans/grounds don't have the same sweet cloying effect as creamers.
My experience with using the facility doc have been that they do not know your parent's history like their primary care doc did...you really have to fill them in - even things that you now take for granted, they need to know. I had an experience that I wont go into now where the doc assumed something about my mom and told my estranged sisters very wrong information.
The past 2 ultrasounds said it was a girl. Surprise! It's a boy. I don't know much because nothing is being said until niece sees the doctor. Baby is 36cm, 1.190ml, on oxygen (she thinks, since she hasn't seen the baby yet.) That was fave sis update. I texted back - what about ur daughter? She's doing fine.
I was going to leave work on time but our system provider was late and arrived at 5:30pm, our closing time. She spent 1 hr with us showing us how to use the new reservation system. She assigned me to watch some video lessons but I'm just tooo tired to sit and watch and maintain the info.
I left the office at 630pm. It was very dark. My eyes were hurting from trying to see through the dark. I arrived at the hospital. Guard said only 2 visitors at a time, and niece has 2 visitors. I was really exhausted, grumpy and hungry. I texted sis to let daughter know that I tried to visit. I'm going home.
Felt bad. Hours later, niece messaged me that she wanted to see me. I was behind with my dinner, changing dad's pamper, etc.. I'm really tired. Going to try to sleep early - not past 1:00am. Anyway, the room is...no my body is swaying as I'm typing. So, I'm going to cut it short. I just need to answer a question someone asked me in the hospice page....oops, page is blurring...
I have wondered if old people get fixed on the end of the world because their own worlds are coming to an end.