This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
I think my talk with him gave us a pass. Mom is in a room where no one hardly goes and she is very discreet about her use. She doesn't vape gross scents like coca cola or pineapple or any of those scents. Fingers crossed it will last until she passes.
I'm thankful that it didn't come to pass. Fingers crossed because of new owners of the AL. Geez! Always waiting for a shoe to drop.
I asked nephew if he could work overtime this Saturday. The play starts at 2pm and I don't know how long it will last. He remembers me bringing him to one when he was small. He told me to go ahead and take my time. Yippee! I'm going to turn off my cell phones, tell him if there's any emergencies, to knock on aunty's bedroom door (oldest sis) and if it's a real emergency - to call 911.
It's a William Shakespeare romantic comedy... Comedy! My favorite. I can laugh and just enjoy myself completely... =)
Windy, whenever I mention what you guys say, I stumble on the word 'friends'. I view most of you as friends but it feels strange to say 'friends'.
Online Coursera Course: Living with Dementia
Onedoor, I actually enjoyed my breakfast at Denny's. New cook because the fried rice actually looked like fried rice with soy sauce (and not yellow looking fried rice). Cook wasn't stingy with the scrambled eggs and had gone overboard with the mushrooms. Too bad he/she skimped on the ham in the fried rice. This is the first time in years that they've actually cooked the rice and scrambled eggs (with mushrooms, onions, green onions, ham, peas, jalapeno peppers) perfectly!
The play. The first half I was freezing. Couldn't go use the restroom since I chose to sit in the middle row for perfect viewing. People were on both sides. The minute intermission came on, I jumped up, looked left and right to figure out how to get out, and ... I was the 2nd person in line for the ladie's room. I was able to move to another seat that I didn't freeze for the next half of the show. Uhm... you know.. with the light dimmed, I was struggling to stay awake during the play. I had to force myself NOT to sleep since I moved to the 3rd row from the front. The actors actually did great with audience eye contact when facing us and doing their spiel. Costumes were great.
And, I just love how they implemented their fellow college singing group into the play. It was wonderful to sit there and listen to them before opening singing and playing instruments (banjo, guitar, etc...) They chose songs that allowed one person at a time to step forward and do a solo verses, then back up to join the rest of the group. At least 3 of them have beautiful singing voices when I heard them singing their solo. (One girl had problem maintaining her voice - maybe not her singing range? It sounded like she was holding back her voice when she should be raising it?) They sang during intermission and at the ending. Wonderful! Hehehe.. I think they were my favorite out of the whole play. Hmmmm.. Maybe I need to check their college website and see when their singing class have public presentations. Free public singing. I think it sounded more beautiful because they were dressed up in costumes...
Online course. Very difficult using the iPad to read the forums. So I go back to the laptop, and....it absolutely refuses to open the FORUM button. So, I opened the Internet Explorer... and.. Walla!! I have access to the forum. Well, week One is basically the same info as previous years. So I'm hoping the forums are interesting.
My new HP wireless mouse don't work because...the USB ports aren't working.
Oh, do you mean I can download the coursera app onto the laptop? I've never thought of doing that. I wonder if that's so much better than accessing it by the website browser. I'll give it a try... Thanks, Glad!
Dad is sundowning. Last night, past midnight, he was yelling. After he finally slept at 1am, I couldn't sleep at all. I stopped looking at the clock when it was 2:30am. I just couldn't sleep. I tried reading here on AC which 99% of the time knocks me out. But it didn't work. I finally remembered the 'sleep like a dead' position. Lie on my back, 2 pillows below my knees, a microbead eye mask, my long froggie neck pillow over my tummy and my hands rested clasped on top of it. Sigh.... I finally fell asleep.... Uhm... because I have acid reflux, I eventually woke up at 5am choking so badly, I had to sit up trying to breathe. Hehehe.. this is why I sleep on my side...
Oh my! I don't celebrate Christmas. Since i came home from work, I've been watching modern TV movies on Xmas. It's like a marathon. I was laughing on the past 2 movies. I'm now on the 3rd one. I've never ever seen these movies. It's not like the Macy's Santa, or that Life movie where he sees the present/future/past spirits. These are all new ones. Anyway, I'm having fun watching it - as a first time. Would I re-watch it? No. But it was fun watching it the first time!
I love live performances...except when they are really bad..ugh! speaking of bad...they had an Elvis impersonator at my mom's asst lvg today...oh I ache now just thinking of how bad he was! older man, in a red stretchy jumpsuit with a cape and a black wig that resembled Elvis' hair at some point in his life...NO singing voice! he came with all this audio equipment and I was hoping for the best but it was very poor...hopefully, he does it for free and no one spent money to have him perform...sorry to be so "catty" but I cant sing but would have sounded better and wouldnt have swished my body around like he tried to!
As I thought of this, I continued reading the article. Unfortunately, in my mind, the family were very blase about their father leaving at midnight for a 'stroll'. Oh my gosh! They knew he had dementia and were willing for him to 'stroll' on his own? It's night time. What if he 'got lost' or 'disoriented' and cannot find his way back home? They blamed the cop for 'murdering' their father.
I see both at fault - the cops and the family. Most of the posters comments were against the cop and only a very few wondered why the family thought it was okay for their dementia father to wander late at night.
I also remember mom would ONLY listen to my dad. She refused to listen to anyone other than him - because she remembers him, and not us. We were strangers to her. Dad was the only one who could calm her, control her... So, I feel soooo bad that the 73 yr old dementia man got shot because he refused to obey the cops orders to Stop, yet he kept walking towards them. I think the family is denial if they think it's completely 100% cops fault... There is just too many things that could have happened to their elderly father wandering outside that late at night. I mean, there are 2 men in that photo. One of them could have joined the elderly man in his 'midnight stroll'... This is just my take of the situation - basing it on my experience with violent, walking away mom.
My mom has entered a new and awful stage. She is so mean and depressive comment wise I truly can't stand to be around her. We took her out to lunch today as we do every Sunday despite the air temperature being -25 below zero and driving there on slippery glaze ice roads. We're no spring chickens ourselves and it was not a treat. I would've preferred to stay home and hibernate, believe me!
We took her to lunch at a Mexican restaurant which is key to my story. I received an email on my phone from my brother in Germany. In an attachment was a video made by my niece's husband who happens to be Mexican American. It's a cute fun video about them getting a Christmas tree. I attempted to show my mom while we were waiting for our food to arrive. She told me to turn it of as she hates all Mexicans now and will not even look at that crap. (!!!!!) facepalm!!!!
I obviously couldn't discuss it there with her, but in the car I told her she is free to dislike one person who she blames all her troubles on, but to hate a whole race of people, including your grand daughter's husband is just wrong and nonsensical. She ranted at me that she is 80 and knows better now and I know nothing. I told her she was just wrong and she muttered under her breath about how stupid I am the rest of the ride. I can't stand who this person who used to be my mother has become. She is toxic.
When we were leaving, my husband told her that we will see her next Sunday when we pick her up for Christmas. She said she hopes to be dead by then.
I get to go see her alone on Wednesday. If she pulls this crap, I will walk away. It is affecting my health with back flares on Tuesday dreading being alone with her. It is awful. She is a narcissist on steroids.
I appreciate your replies. ((Hugs)) Yes, it seems we have entered a new realm regarding my mom's slow motion decline. Have no fear, she is too weak and frail and tiny to grab a steering wheel. Three years in a wheelchair with her objecting to any physical therapy has taken its' toll on her body. Plus she barely eats and is only 85 pounds. My poor brother is speechless at her comments regarding his Son in law.
Our son gets home from college on Wednesday. It's disturbing that she told my hubby that she wants to die before Christmas. That would make for a very bad Christmas, indeed. She just can't see how her attitude affects her family. There is no reasoning with her because she is ALWAYS right, always has been in her mind. She is a classic narcissist in every way.
The doctor diagnosed her with back muscle spasms due to her weakening condition. She is around 80 pounds now with no muscle mass to support her core or legs. Thus the remaining little muscles are spasming. She blames it on the caregiver two person lift but that is not it. It's her deteriorating condition.
She's too frail and thin now for any narcotics or muscle relaxers according to the Dr. He opted, and she agreed to, Lidocaine injections at the affected spot in her back. He said it was safe as it has no systemic affect on her system. I held her hand while she screamed at three injections. The burning going in from the needle was pretty bad as he warned us.
He prescribed Lidocaine external patches to apply to her back at 12 hour intervals. Mom didn't want them as that would require her to sign up for a med passer person at her AL for around $900 a month. She told me she doesn't want to spend her money THAT way. I said that it was for that purpose, to take care of her. It's going to be what it has to be. I signed her up for visiting physician and nurse practitioner too. It will lessen my stress as it is impossible to get her to a doctor with her stubborn attitude. They were telling me that as her primary doc (she saw once) retired last summer they would have to release her AKA kick her out as state law requires an AL patient sees a primary doc at least once a year.
I understand the need for that as these places don't want to get sued for malpractice. So, one less argument for now. She's telling everyone she can over and over, especially me that she wants to die before Christmas. She wants to be 'home' for Christmas. She told me she hopes that doesn't make me feel guilty. I looked her in the eye and said it doesn't make me feel one tiny, teeny bit guilty. I have nothing to feel guilty about. It makes me sad and gives me anxiety, no more, no less.
My guilt button is totally uninstalled after what I've been through these past 6+ years. It was curious to me as to why she thought I would feel guilty. Once a narcissist, always a narcissist, is my conclusion.
I do love her. She just drives me crazy, but with a doctor in place now I feel much better. Wish me luck tomorrow. The nurses did bring up a hospice evaluation. One step at a time.