This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Susan, I've learned that if I want to keep up-to-date with my sibs/family, I just read their FaceBook posts. I try not to 'like' their posts or comment. I don't want them to know that I'm keeping up with their news. I think with my family, we want to 'pretend' that only our friends are reading our posts - and not our immediate family. I do Lots and Lots of saving of my family's latest pictures in FB. They don't send it to me by Messenger. So, I go to FB and scroll thru their posts for the latest photos. It's the only way. Again - I won't post. - but all their friends do.
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Almost midnight and dad's hungry. Sis already gave him one bottle of Glucerna shake. Yes, yes, I know that's for diabetics and not normal people. I'm just going to give him one bottle a day until his nutrition drink shipment comes in. I had bought a pigs-in-a-blanket for lunch. I didn't get to eat it. So, we snacked on that tonight. He told me that he doesn't like the meat (hot dog.) I told him that he needs meat in his diet for the protein. He wins. He left the meat on his side table.
The smallest things are getting on my nerves today. The repetition... UGH!!!! I've never been a really patient or diplomatic person, so caregiving REALLY isn't my strong suit... especially since I don't really WANT to do it. I've been caring for this man and the women he beat since I was six years old.
The technology thing is nerve racking. WHY CAN'T THE STUPID CABLE COMPANY KEEP THINGS SIMPLE FOR SENIORS?!?!? He's legally blind with dementia, so the remote is confusing. I glued a textured button to the Channel Up key on the biggest remote I can find, but he still gets confused because the AL has HD cable which means that he has about 100 channels to cycle through. Of course he doesn't have the patience to do that so he insists that someone has "messed up" the TV. I'm sick of hearing that story over and over again.
Sometimes I just want to scream... at him for essentially placing himself in some of this situation (COPD is self inflicted and studies show that excessive smoking is closely linked to dementia). Scream at him for being so dysfunctional and creating this H*LL for me (multiple women that he mistreated, lots of illegitimate children that he abandoned that have NOTHING to do with him). Scream at the other children for not helping (totally irrational). Scream at myself for being such a sour puss about the whole thing.
I feel like I'm trapped in a prison of my own making as well. I've learned to say "no" to more things, but sometimes the guilt creeps up.
I think I'm just hormonal today.... needed to vent
Vent away, we're here to listen. And we understand better than most would.
As I read your post about your father and the depends/catheter, my dad is also going through that too -with the catheter. He keeps trying to pull it out. I feel so bad because he would keep telling me that he needs to pee and he can't. In the meantime, his hand is trying to unzip his pants and to reach inside. I tell him to go ahead and pee because the pee will go into the bag. I'm just so glad that he's wearing slacks and not a hospital gown. Can you imagine the mess!? Night!
Angel, your father might prefer non-family people to assist him in bathing. He might not give them a hard time. Plus I've seen them in action when my didn't want a sponge bath. They were able to calmly and cajole him to agree to it. They have more patience than me.
I don't know if anyone is going to be do a new year's bbq today on our place. They don't usually but SIL puzzled me with a comment about New Years. Yesterday, fave sis said her daughter was doing a bbq today and family was going to her house. I admit that I was hurt on not being invited by fave niece even if I can't go. My shift with dad is when I'm not at work. Oldest sister shift is Monday-Friday only. Fave sis knew I was hurt and kept inviting to the bbq today but it's not the same.... sis said that maybe I can order takeout from my favorite Chinese restaurant. I will do that. I checked my lunch and house money. Oldest sister surprised me last weekend and bought me several micro-dinners. So I have some spare 'house ' $$. Yes! I have enough to buy beef broccoli and oldest sis gave me $4.80 to buy her the walnut shrimp. Yummmm. I better get up. Dad's pamper and b-fast, laundry, etc....
I had the same struggle with my mother. She was a large woman, and getting into and out of the tub was difficult for her, and she was frightened she would fall. I totally understood that, but when I moved in with her, she hadn't taken a full shower in MONTHS. There was literally about an inch of dust in the tub from not being used. I paid $800 to have the tub cut down so she could just step in and out of it, put her large bath chair in there so she could sit and shower. She did very well with that for the first few months, then the resistance kicked in. She was too tired. She'd do it later. After this tv program. After dinner. Tomorrow morning, she liked showering in the morning better. Later today, after lunch. Every excuse under the sun.
I finally had to do what you did. After cajoling, pleading, begging, BRIBING (yes, I even resorted to that), I finally had just had enough one day and got a little upset and raised my voice to her - something I never did - and told her, "Mom, there is a bad odor in the house, and it's because you are not showering. You are going to get an infection or skin breakdown in your skin folds, and have to go to the hospital - and guess who's going to be questioned by Adult Protective Services about your care - or lack of it?? ME. And I'm NOT letting that happen. So you are going to shower TODAY. RIGHT NOW. And that's all there is to it!"
She showered. I hated taking that step, but it became necessary, and there were times she still resisted it, but for the most part, she showered on a fairly regular basis at that point. But I had to use this tactic pretty much every time after that.
What you'll want to check on is if he's actually showering, too - one of the ways I realized that Mom's dementia was getting worse was that she would get into the shower and simply sit there, letting the water run over her. She wouldn't do anything, then she'd get out and say she was done. Except....she definitely wasn't. There'd be evidence all over the chair and all over her backside that she hadn't washed, and her hair was dry. A few times, she actually fell asleep in there. (She could fall asleep in a matter of seconds.) I finally had to start washing her and washing her hair for her.
She really fought them on it, because it was uncomfortable and cold for her to sit on the shower chair in the big shower room they had. Then they asked if she wanted to try the walk in tub - hallelujah! She loved it. She hadn't had a good soak in a tub in years - just showers.
When she told me she took a bath, I asked how she liked it - she laughed and pointed at her chest and said, "They FLOAT!!" LOL
We try to keep things politically neutral here.
Let's hope your dad continues to agree to the washings. I remember those times with no fondness at all. I remember the bribing, too. And the saying how he really smells and family will be visiting soon and smell him stinky. Those worked for a while and then .... it got to only him agreeing to shower from several times a week to every week to then bi-weekly. By the time he had his stroke, it was down to monthly. I am glad that this new strategy is working for you.
Now, who ever heard of salt and pepper pork chop - with the pork chop being BREADED?!?! I have eaten at several different Chinese restaurants, and I never had breaded salt n pepper pork chop. I don't even like breaded meat. Well... that's the last time I order that specific food from that specific restaurant.
Hmmm.. I keep thinking of getting a piece of that pumpkin pie I bought yesterday. I couldn't believe how much it cost to buy pumpkin pie. $10.75!!!! So, to make it last long, instead of cutting the pie into 8 pieces, I cut it into 12 pieces. Since I'm also craving cream cheesecake, I've been googling for a non-bake recipe. I don't have an oven, or a toaster oven.. Just the microwave and a hot plate/burner.
I downloaded more ebooks into the kindle app. Storage shrank. After googling yesterday, I deleted the Facebook and radio Apps. And then added these 2 websites onto the iPad desktop as an icon instead of an app. By doing this, it doesn't affect my storage at all. Yes! I can download more ebooks. \o/ \o/
I know Jello has a great no-bake cheesecake recipe if you can get the Jello mix. Haven't made it in years but I remember it was yummy.
Hubby and I splurged last night and made pears wrapped with prosciutto ham, baked and then drizzled with balsamic vinegar, an Asian kale salad and then crab legs with garlic and lemon butter. Kind of all over the map but a good New Year's treat.
I know it's now a new year but we are all dealing with the same old struggles. I intended to come into it with a new and improved attitude. That lasted exactly 11 hours and ended when I saw mom today. She has now developed bedsores on her backside from sleeping in her recliner. Thankfully, the caregivers are on the ball and treating it with ointment. I told her medicare will pay for an airbed so she can get out of the recliner. She screamed at me that she is NOT going on hospice.
I am so very grateful that the visiting doctors program starts this week. She was so very angry at me signing her up for that, but otherwise they'd kick her out. It's state law to have a primary doc if you are in an AL. Some of this stuff will be out of my hands. It won't be up to me to make her go to a doctor (well, for the most part). They can prescribe pain meds and manage them for her back pain.
When they give her a physical I will leave them a private note to check the nickel sized melanomas on her back. It has to be what it is - raised, black and bumpy with blue and yellow in the middle. So bad looking, I think she's shot through with cancer, but at a doctor's office for her back/constipation issues she refuses to let them look at them. Maybe now we can get to the bottom of her pain.
Sorry to hear about the BBQ mess-up by fave niece and that your Chinese order was not what you were anticipating. Stinks to be excluded because you were caring for your dad doing the hard work they avoid. Sometimes I just shake my head. Big hugs sent your way, book, and that there is some ease in this madness for you in 2017.
Hard to believe I've been working from bed for a full month now - glad to hopefully see the end of it soon. The neck/shoulder pain is not as bad as it was at first, so the bed rest is helping, but it's definitely not 100% yet. I still can't sit upright at my desk to work for more than 15 minutes, walk for more than 20 minutes without having to sit down, or drive more than a few miles. Hoping my dr. appt. next week comes up with some solutions, or at least a start to a treatment program for this thing. I know one thing - I probably won't ever be a good "caree" for a caregiver, because I *hate* being stuck in bed!
If you are interested, let me know and I'll message you the names and links for the ebook freebie services. :-)