This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
It was on Thursday this happened, and he fell twice in 12 hours, the first time while we had gone out for a couple of hours, the first time in 3 months, and I'd even called him, to let him know that we would be home with dinner in 15 minutes, but he Had to got up from his chair, to "go to bed", at 5:30pm!) Now this is why I think he is being a jerk, sulking because we went and Left Him, and he Knew we would be Right Home! So Friday morning, we took him into the Drs, instead of waiting over the Holiday weekend, to go to the ER. Now, I almost wished we'd waited and gone the same route that you did, requesting they keep him, and admit him to Rehab, as his strength is so deminished, and he is so weak! But No, he remains with us, now Showboating, doing his laps around the house to "regain his strength" (as he should have been doing all this time, since PT, last summer! ), and now "acting" appreciative, as I told him he Never shows any to his Son, who Cleaned up his horrible mess he dragged all over the carpets, both poop and blood. I don't blame him for falling (well kinda), but I told him how he Never says Thank you for all his Son does for him on the daily, and now his Thanks doesn't seem genuine!
I spent yesterday, doing his laundry and his filthy sheets on his bed, and Insisted he have a shower, as I know he is covered in poop! Yuck, it's this part of the caregiving, that I am not cut out for, especially for my Narcissistic FIL!
He's a jerk, and I can barely tolerate him much longer, and neither can my husband. I outright told my FIL, that a Nursing home is in his future, so all this phoney baloney Show-boating, isn't going to keep us from that goal in the near future! He might think it will, but a little bit too late Bud!
Typical Narcissistic, he told ne the only thing that he can do for my husband is to offer him money, I told him to keep every penny, other than what he chips in to live here with us each month per our caregiving contract, as he will need it for his new living expenses at the Nursing home. He did initially get all riled up with me over him saying he doesn't have the money for that, plus, he said he will Never go to nursing home, as they are all shite holes where they "dump old people, terrible places"! But I'm not one to back down to his ranting, and I asked him (right in front of his Dr), when the last time he Went to a nursing home, he said the 50's or 60's, and I said they aren't like that anymore, that there are new regulations, and that we wouldn't just dump him into any old place! The Dr pipped in with "your son and DIL have taken very good care of you for 13 years, why would you think they would stop now"? And he backed down a little. We went on to discuss it while he was waiting in line for lab work, and he agreed to go to visit a Nursing home with me, so that is progress!
I know he's been thinking about this topic for a while, and I know that he hears my husband and I talking (arguing) about it (all the friggin time), so hopefully, and despite these recent Show-boating episodes, trying to prove to us that he can IMPROVE overnight, he will come to grips with the obvious, and that we can't go on like this much longer.
He Never even considers that We might like to get on with our own lives, and we desperately want to sell our home while the housing market is still in this upswing, as it is in our area, and buy a nice little Condo, so that we will be free to travel, and will be able to buy one outright, and only have Condo dues, and normal monthly expenses. Nope, he only thinks about himself, and has even told my husband that he'd better not die before he does, as then of course, I would dump him into a Shite hole of a Nursing home! Yup, that's what we live with here, and he's getting worse all the time, as he falls further into the world of Dementia!
I do have to say, that after listening to you guys talk about how you are still so tethered to your LO's in Senior living situations, I am a little discouraged! I think its important to set your boundries right from the get go, once they move into the Home, or else we'll never be free to begin enjoying our lives again!
I know that I'm rambling here, and whining, and that so many of you guys have it much worse off tha me, so sorry about! I do so appreciate having you all to complain to, and just to write this all out, to get it off my chest! Not that it helps, Lol! No, it actually really does! 😉!!!
I wish for you All, a Very Happy New Year! One filled with a much easier time than this last year! It was a Doozy! Love, Stace
Angel, you did the right thing. As harsh as it sounds, this fall was probably a blessing in disguise, because it was someone else telling him he needed to go to the hospital - not you. When it comes from you, it's too easy for him to just say NO. But when a medical professional tells him he should go, and another medical professional tells him he needs rehab/therapy or skilled care in a facility, then maybe it will be a little easier for him to accept. I'm sure you will get better rest tonight, and will see things more clearly as they start to fall into place with the medical staff's help. Don't forget to avail yourself of the hospital's social services assistance - they will help get him placed in a facility that can handle his specific needs and will help you get everything in place for Medicaid, etc (if he's not on that already). Let them help you.
Thus, no dinners out because of the fear that you would place an order and the cell would ring from Mom that Dad fell and couldn't get up. Mom couldn't hear so telling her to call 911 was mute [pun intended]. Forget going to the movies, leaving half way through the film wasn't worth it.
One just becomes so conditioned to living that way, that even if the parent is placed in a higher level of care, you can't shake the conditioning. Even now, with both of my parents had passed, I still remain home as I just can't shake the feeling. Talk therapy is helping, but it is going to take time.
Happy New Year.... all I can say is that 2017 won't be boring, for those who know what I mean :P
Just have to tell a funny story to break things up because I giggle everytime I think of it. Had a very rare chance to go into the big city today and went to our favorite Szechuan Chinese restaurant. The food is authentic and I love it! I so enjoyed this rare treat. Being a holiday of sorts I ordered a Bacardi Coke (not very Chinese, I know). The super cute, young and wonderful waitperson did not have a great command of English, but that's okay. I understand. She asked me why I wanted broccoli with Coke. She was not familiar with alcohol and was new and I understood her confusion. She asked another waiter behind her if they had ??? with coke. He understood and everything went great. Our entire meal was just what I needed. Our waitress was very new but so, so sweet. We giggled about it the whole time with her. Tipped 30% because she was just so genuine and helpful. I will never forget the broccoli coke. Gives me a chuckle during difficult times at not at her expense either. I am into languages and it was just a time when I needed some humanity and laughter about how things can just get jumbled.
Much easier than how our elders lose their language and lose their ability to communicate.
And we all need a laugh now and then.
Angel16, good luck today!
BOOKLUVR, I hear ya on those giggling thighs! LOL!
I didn't ask for this. I was SOOOO excited to go back to work today only to get a call from the Adult Day Center that Dad isn't feeling well... constipation... again.
I've done everything I can possibly think of to help with this. Of course, he didn't tell me he was having issues the entire weekend or my day off yesterday. No, he has to wait until I get back to work... AN HOUR AWAY to whine for me to pick him up, so now I must leave work, waste gas money that I don't have and lose income to pay for said gas money to pick him up because he can't POOP!!!!
I HATE THIS!!!! I'm sorry! CODA tells me to be authentic. I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS!!! Thanks to my whole miserable upbringing, I've determined the following:
I DON'T WANT CHILDREN!!! I've had to care for someone against my will my entire life. When is it my turn to live for myself. Besides, having kids now means that I would be potentially putting my adult children in the same situation I'm currently in. I would NEVER do that to ANYONE!!!
I DON'T WANT TO GET OLD... if I am remotely in the state that my Dad is in or some of the other residents, I seriously would like the option to relieve myself as well as anyone else I'm potentially burdening (Considering that I'm still single and don't want kids, that would probably mean ridiculously expensive caregivers that don't give a crap). The only ones who benefit from keeping the elderly and sick hanging on for dear life are the pharma companies and the facilities. It's 5K a month for care - an expense I have been supplementing for a BS promise I made to Dad...
I wish I had a "dear old Dad" that was loving and sadly ended up in this situation because he was widowed or something... NOT THE CASE. HE WAS AWFUL (though to hear him tell it, not the case. HELLO!!! Parenting involves more than providing monetary support. Keep your money and be a DAD for goodness sake....
I'm so irritated right now.... sorry guys....
I have been feeling the same way you do. I'm much older than you -- 64. I looked back over the last year of my life and know it was wasted. I do everything around here and the only reward I get is someone yelling at me that I don't do anything for them. Why do we keep doing it? Heck if I know. Maybe it is because someone has to do the job and no one else is lining up to help.
My own mother had the same problem. She was relatively lucid for the most part outside of the hospital, but after a serious fall at home, she was in the hospital for about a week. I had to start staying with her at the hospital 24/7, because the nursing staff couldn't watch her constantly, and she kept trying to get out of bed (they put a bed alarm on), yanking out her catheter, yanking out her IV, etc - and it all occurred at night. She'd never had a sundowning episode in her life - only when she was in the hospital. She was hospitalized 3x over the course of a year, and each time, the dementia progressed further and she never was able to regain the ground she lost each time.
One night, when I was staying in the hospital with her, I was dozing lightly (because I never went into deep sleep for fear she'd wake up and do something before I could get to her) - and I heard her start moving around in the bed. I got up to check on her and saw her holding something in her hand and waving it around. I said, "Mom, what are you....MOM! That's your IV!" Her response? "Oh is it?" I asked her if it hurt and she said she didn't feel a thing. Same response when she ripped her catheter out with her hand and caused bleeding down there. Didn't hurt a bit.
The symptoms subsided somewhat in the nursing home, but she never was quite the same.
I'm sure you know how the rules work but please make sure dad is admitted to the hospital for a full 3 nights in order for Medicare to pick up the first 20 days of rehab
As FF notes above the family care doesn't stop after placement - I was exhausted with mom in rehab for 6 weeks a year ago even with a private aid 4 hours a day
Now that she's in a memory are facility I'm equally exhausted - i still wake up at various times during the night thinking I hear her needing to get up to use the bathroom and in addition to having private aides with her 12 hours a day (unless they cancel) I spend a significant amount of time there too - even more so over the holidays as the facility has been short staffed
I feel badly for those there who either have no loved ones or whose loved ones just dump and run - one new resident spent Christmas Day crying because she didn't know where her daughter and granddaughters were - others sit by the front door waiting for someone to come who never does and I don't think these folks even get dinner
Staff if they even bother to try and redirect just say oh they'll be here at 10 am to have breakfast with you - early on I told staff not to tell my mom that as I work and will not be there at 10 am and mom knew they were lying to her. Of course staff lies to families as well so there's no easy path on this journey
Hope you get some well needed rest and dad regains some strength to make it easier on you both
I'm so exhausted and it's only 7:30pm. My feet is killing me. I have a feeling I'm going to have some major legs cramps tonight.
I had my kindle to read during those 3 hours. I sometimes made conversation with the man behind me and the woman in front of me. When I reached the front of the lines, elderly people would walk up next to me. It's the law here that anyone age 55 and over have the right to walk to the front of the line of all government offices. So, I made conversation with them. One white non-American elderly man felt bad cutting in front of me. He offered for me to go ahead of him. I reassured him no, he can go first.
A while later still at the front of the line (too many elderlies cutting in front of me), I suddenly looked up, turned behind me and saw this gray haired Asian man several feet away. He bowed and quietly said, "Sumimasen, I'm so sorry but..." I answered with a sigh, "but you're old, at least age 55. Please come here." He replied {I think I insulted him using the word 'old'}, "I'm age 59." As usual, I started the conversation with him, like all those before him.
Needless to say, out of all those I had conversations with, 4 of them, including the Asian man, waved to me goodbye as they left the DMV.... I'm skipping the slide walking exercise today. My feet is sore. I 💭{think} I will sleep early tonight, even before 11:30pm.