This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Interesting...
Book, if you do want to kill them on purpose, diatomaceous earth is a non-toxic substance that kills cockroaches. You put a thin layer down around outside your house and around edges of your floors inside. I used it for an annoying roach problem I had in an apartment I used to live in.
Had a non stressful/stressful day with our son today. Made it to Trader Joe's for food shopping 20 miles away. Love to look at the new offerings. Bacon Jam is sort of new. Was not expecting a sweet flavor profile. Got some fun cheese and some good pears.
Stress part was a heavy snow burst that made roads very slick. Had my husband take my Jeep to work this morning as this was anticipated. Guess I am crazy as 20 year old son drove me in a '95 Mustang with rear wheel drive. Was glad to get out of heavy metro traffic, but my goodness, the rural roads were a challenge. Whiteouts and no plows yet. We fishtailed a few times. Not fun. It's good to see he knows to kiss the brakes and gas pedal. We didn't end up in the ditch. Did a 180 in the neighborhood to give me a thrill. That's when you hit the break on ice and the car spins all the way around. Fun in Minnesota! Gosh, I'm getting to old for this stuff!
Mom is stabilized. Took the day off to do 180's. Urologist moved up to Friday. I prefer 180's. :)
I keep checking Home Depot for that dia..earth soil. Either there's nothing, or there's this large bag of it (overkill.) My sensitivity to chemicals is getting worse. For the toilet cleaner, I'm now down to Home Depot's brand. At first, I didn't react to it. Yay! Lately, although I can't smell it, I've been getting headaches. I'll check for the alternate option in Amazon. Typing fast because it's late and time to change dad's pamper, shower and ...
Lastnight, my best friend from high school called me. Her hubby is in the military since they graduated from college. He's in the medical field and she's a teacher. Anyway, she's visiting on island since her mom still lives here. She actually remembers my home phone number! Yes, we've had this phone number since forever. We're going to have lunch before she leaves island on the 20th.
I helped her become interested in my religion. She converted. And she's been a very religious person since then. She asked me how I was doing spiritually. I was blunt. I said, "I'm not spiritual at all. However, I haven't done any major Bad thing! Anyway, how can I do anything bad if all I've been doing is work and home." I told her that I'm just sooooo tired. I've been a caregiver since my mid-20's. She gave a startled sound and said that that's right. She remembers now..... In our religion, it is frowned upon if we seek therapy. I needed to let her know this because in our religion, "bad association spoils useful habit". I wanted to let her know that I'm not a good Christian because I sought therapy when I became seriously suicidal. It's a good thing she's married to man of the medical field. She quickly replied, "Of course you have to seek therapy!!"
Today, I met another member of my religion. She looked at me straight in the eyes, and I smiled to her. In the past, she was very, very friendly. Today, she looked as if she didn't see me smile. I wasn't there. No acknowledgement to me. She is now the Third person in my religion to treat me as if I've been 'ex-communicated'. As if I don't exist.... I will need to tell BF this during luncheon. Maybe she doesn't know that I'm suppose to be avoided. Knowing her, she won't care because I'm like the lost sheep that needs to be drawn back to the fold. How can you draw the sheep back if you're avoiding it? It just hurts that I'm being treated as if I don't exist. To be looked right through as if you're not there....
Windy, we never have snow. With fave niece moving to the states, I keep telling her to try to enroll in drivers ed classes. You all have more street signs than here. With 3 kids, she needs to learn the rules of the road. SIL scoffed and said that niece can learn from YouTube. Really? I don't think so.
MsMadge, that is great news that your mom is accepting the caregiver. I smiled when I read that. That's the same with my dad. They rotate the caregivers who come over to give him a sponge bath. He usually gives the new ones a hard time at the beginning.
Driver's ed classes here in MN run around $300 or used to 5 years ago when my son took them. It's absolutely frightening right now with the roads covered in ice. Hundreds of accidents and two people dead in the past two days. If she's moving anywhere in the northern U.S., she certainly needs lessons on driving in this crapola.
Not looking forward to 'skating' to my mom's place tomorrow. Another 2" of snow and high of 0 tomorrow. I will have my 4 wheel drive Jeep tomorrow, thank goodness, but my son will want to drive. Hmmmm....40 years experience of driving in this stuff, or 5? He's so over confident especially in a 4 x 4. This front seat passenger will have her opinions. Ha!
My mom continues to decline. Is now totally bowel incontinent. She sits on the toilet forever and nothing happens. 20 minutes later, she goes in her Always panties with no control.
She told me today she is so tired of fighting whatever is happening to her. She is ready to give up. I told her I don't blame her as she is suffering. It's understandable she doesn't want to live that way. I think the spinal compression fractures are affecting how her nerves communicate with her bodily functions. Not much can be done about that at this stage.
We'll be at the urologist on Friday, so perhaps I can get some confirmation of my fears. I really want the support of hospice, for me, and for her. When my dad died, they helped so much for his care and my mental and emotional state. Mom refused to be there for him. It was incredible the pain that caused for me being between him asking her to visit and her refusal to go. She went once to see him hospice in the two weeks before he died. She says she will never go on hospice ever. Yet tells me in the next breath that she wishes she had pain meds and could just "go". It's a conflict for her. I don't think we are talking about my dad's brain cancer or euthanasia. I think she's angry and jealous that he 'just died like that!' Yeah mom. That was easy. :(
At some point, I will call them in myself. She starts visiting doctors on the 18th. She'll not know the difference in who is seeing her. We have a pain med clinic visit on Monday. Perhaps that will overlap with an investigation by me into hospice care. Her spine is literally crumbling.
My son and I will bring the grand dog tomorrow. He always brightens her spirits. Then son is back to college until March. I honestly don't know if he'll see her again. Hard to think about. :(
She couldn't stand up so it could be a variety of things, including vertigo which surprised me as I didn't think pets would get that. So I will be sharing my vertigo medicine with her.
The cat is quite overweight so it's a challenge for me to pick her up to move her around. How in the world do you caregivers to this with an adult??? At least the cat is cooperative.
Oh geez - hope they're not going to break that next
Now, really... did we REALLY need round cut shots? Why not just keep the old rectangular/square format that shows the entire image we bother to upload...?
It's not a big deal, but strikes me as an example of messing with something that was fine, and now is... not exactly displaying as intended.
Why not make the square Hug images into little round peephole-distorted images? Just for "consistency" on the site and all... I just don't get it. Someone felt the need to change our avatar shape away from the actual image we upload or select. They did that On Purpose, as An Improvement. Ayyy... lol
"Nothing brings people together like complaining about a common problem..." muttering to self...
For example, spirits. Modern thinking - it's not a spirit, it's a coincidence, your imagination, mass brainwashing. Native beliefs - it's our ancient ancestors. Religion - they're not our ancestors since they have not been resurrected, but are spirits, followers of Satan. And so, What does one do? Modern, native or religion???? Thinking of them as Satan's followers scares the heck out of me.
Sigh.... My nephew who watches his grandfather every Saturday is the same nephew who sees the spirits from the side of his eyes or in full face in mirrors. If you recall a while back, he asked me if I see shadows passing by the front window, and I never said yes or no. My very firm reply to him that it's dad's laundry hanging in the line (even though there's no laundry hanging.)
Nephew said that he's been watching dad, his words, his actions. He told me that dad is mentioning the other woman. I said yes. Nephew's eyes got wide. He asked me several questions. He told me that there's a female spirit that's hanging around dad. It's a long story but in a nutshell, he thinks she's also hurting him, trying to control him. Nephew imitated my dad's noises. He said that that's the spirit poking him, hurting him.
Nephew asked me if he can bring his pet monster stuffed animal. It's very strong and powerful against the bad spirits. I don't like the monster pet. When I was in my 20's, baby sister mailed her stuffed animals to us. I opened the box, immediately didn't like it and packed it deep inside the closet. Years later, I found it. It creeped me out. I gave it to nephew. Imagine, 20 years later, my nephew still has this stuffed animal. It moves, too. One minute it's in his bedroom, the next minute it's in another room..... Today, when he asked me if he could bring it - to fight against the female spirits and all the others, my eyes widened and I immediately shook my head. My guts - I don't want it in this house. Nephew was very insistent. I refused.
So, he asked, "What about your dolls?" My dolls?!? No way! My dolls are protecting my bedroom from the bad spirits. One doll faces the only unshuttered window, and the other doll guards the door. If I take out one doll, it will weaken my bedroom's protection and the bad spirit will come in. He asked me why I must protect my bedroom but not the whole house. I said, "Because I change in my bedroom!" ...
I got to feeling guilty. So, tonight, I went into my bedroom and didn't know which doll to bring into the livingroom. They both wear eye glasses like me. They both look realistic. They both scare all my family. Nobody likes my dolls, except me. I chose one, and... like my nephew, yes, I do talk to my dolls (mostly to guard this or that). I picked her up and told her nicely that I needed her to watch over the livingroom, to guard it. I went into the livingroom, moved her around trying to find the 'perfect' place. I found it.
I think nephew is right. Since I brought my doll into the livingroom, dad has not made that sound of pain. Nephew noticed that every time dad would fall asleep, he would wake up startled and make that sound of pain. Tonight, I haven't heard that sound yet.
See? Modern (dementia, hallucinating in seeing invisible people, UTI)? Native custom (spirits bothering him)? Religion (I'm associating with bad spirits).... Boy, wait until sis comes to visit tomorrow. Her and her family can't stand my dolls. It gives them the creeps. {{{{I'm shuddering just thinking of my nephew's creepy pet monster.}}}
Regarding the spirits, why not keep an open mind? If you are feeling a presence, give it your attention and see what, if anything, it wants to share with you. At the same time, bear in mind that what feels like an outside presence might just as well be your subconscious mind, or some kind of divine breath, or who knows what? You only have to think of how much mankind has discovered over the last 5, 10, 25, 250 years to realise that there is just SO much that we have absolutely no clue about.
But does it matter? The church dismissed spirits or calls them instruments of Satan in order to discourage people from making sacrifices to trees and rocks. Modern society is reluctant to accept anything as real that it can't analyse to pieces. And of course I can't speak to your local customs, but why wouldn't the spirit of the place or of the people be friendly and loving to you, a child of the same place, rather than something to fear? Don't be afraid.
It figures. Everything with mom is going in the dumpster, so why not my communication with AC friends?
Good luck AC management with facebook and twitter followers. They are not the people caring for the elderly, at least not right now. Maybe when we ourselves die off your changes will be of value to someone.
This was such a fantastic board! Grrrr!
Book, I understand your doll situation, only mine was the opposite. My mom's sister died at the age of nine probably in 1924 or so of whooping cough. She died long before my mother was born. Mom inherited that doll as a child (my grandma got a new use for the doll with a new baby girl) and my mom loved it. It's German made and porcelain with real human hair (creepy) and is really quite beautiful. My uncle had a seamstress make a pretty satin series of dresses for the doll in the early 40's for a Christmas present. Mom was much, much younger than her siblings. Needless to say she loved that doll and her pretty fashions.
When I was seven, that doll and all her fashions were given to me. Yikes! It freaked me out that it was Virginia's doll and she died at age 9. Mom proudly sat the doll on my dresser and now way, no how did I want that doll to stare at me all night knowing my aunt died in bed with her. I thought I would die at 9!
Well, it obviously didn't happen, but those were some scary nights. What I gathered from it, for me, and just me is that objects no matter their appearance or history have no power over me. What worked for me was to say "Go away. You have no power over me. Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior. He is my sword and my shield. I have no use for you in my life. Just go away!"
It took a few times for me to actually have confidence and believe, but He had my back.
I'm just relating my experience. I'm no church lady, not at all. I'm just another failed human being who struggles on this journey. I'm sipping a brandy right now and having a cigarette.
Not tech savvy much, but on my kindle: Here is how:
1) Download image by clicking on my cat avatar.
2) Click "download image, click 'photos'
3) Go to "Home Page by clicking on the blue navigation bar: "AgingCare.com"
4) Now, See your ACCOUNT square on the upper right section, click "Edit Account"
Scroll down to bottom, where you will see your red flower avatar, click "profile image", then click "Upload Photo", where you may find your CAT (could be under "Downloads".) Tap the CAT photo, and it will upload photo to your account, wait for it....count to 10-15 or so.
Before leaving your PROFILE, click save at the bottom.
Hope this works for you.
Now click on the round picture which is on the blue bar at the top of the page, this is your account.
Now click on EDIT ACCOUNT.... now scroll down to bottom of that page where there is an area to put a photo, click on "download", search for the photo you want to use. Keep your fingers crossed :)
Now click on SAVE.