This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
I still recall, still do compare tomboy mom to the completely different stranger she became. I liked the stranger. My dad is changing, too. He used to have such a wonderful singing voice. Now, he can't even sing a pitch, voice wobbles and cracks, definitely out of tune. It's hard to see the once strong parent become a shadow of their former self.
A book came to mind as I read your post. Have you read: Loving Someone Who Has Dementia. How to Find Hope While Coping with Stres and Grief.
This book helped me to see that as my mom slowly changed, how difficult it is as I slowly watch her 'die' a little at a time. I never did finish the book. Short attention span.
That evening, her daughter and the family came to visit and brought home-made dinner. While eating, sis' TV turned in loud volume in her bedroom. Her daughter went in and turned it off. Went back to the dinner table. The TV turned on again. Sis told her daughter to just leave it alone. It will turn off when 'they' get tired of it. Daughter went in and this time the TV wouldn't turn off - by remote or the TV. So, she unplugged it. Daughter then said aloud to the spirit to quit it. Sis told her that she shouldn’t have said that. Just leave it alone.
In our talk, I found out that older sis can also see the spirits, like oldest sis and nephew. She was telling me where she saw each of the spirits when she came home when mom was dying. She told me that I’m like SIL – who refuses to believe in the spirits. I have never denied them. I just refuse to acknowledge their presence when they’re around me.
When her younger daughter came to visit our island, older sis warned her ahead of time, that we are different from the rest of our people. She said that we’re lighter skin and … prettier .. than our people – because of our Spanish ancestry. Sis chuckled. She said that when her daughter came back from visiting our island, she told her mother that she was right. I told sis that the problem with our people is that they have no self respect. They go around in public dressed up yucky…. Gosh, I’m tired.
The three of us got my mom out for lunch today. I can't believe she wanted to go after sleeping almost all day and night yesterday. The rollercoaster continues. She still loves to get out but for how long, who knows? She barely spoke today but ate half of her cup of soup then oddly threw up some of it through her nose. It shocked all of us, her the most as it was so strange. That ended the eating of soup. :(
I also noticed a new problem when switching her over from her snow boots to her shoes - Her feet are very swollen now, so much so that a corn on her bunion started bleeding and looks like it could become infected. Poor woman, it seems every day it's something new and painful. I bandaged the corn and will have the hospice nurse take a look tomorrow.
I love hearing your descriptions of your family members, each with their own unique perspectives. Reminds me of my own family! ;) I'm sure most of us can relate. They sure keep life interesting (and maddening at times!) ((Hugs)) to you and good thoughts sent your way for strength and peace.
Good to hear bro is executor. Let him deal with that when the day comes! If it helps, most of the time at least where I live, the executor is almost always the POA. Hint, hint to your brother.
Just now, I'm going to change dad's pamper. My glance landed on his shoes. Oh, wow! Talk about coincidence! Right there, on top of his shoes, is a mirror tile- all in one piece, and no cable damaged. Talk about perfect timing! This is what I mean about listening to your guts. {too bad I'm lousy at it when it comes to my work.}
Siblings can be so obtuse or just plain unwilling. Mine is obtuse and living in some other reality. He's sweet and well-intentioned in a way, but just ignores reality. So frustrating.
It's good that your brother is there. It gives you some me time knowing that you're being covered by a family member.
I am a slave to my ex-mother in law. A prisoner in my own home. She can't be left alone, refuses to care for herself, even bathing is a daily battle. She is verbally and emotionally abusive when I try and make sure she is cleaning herself after bowel and/or urine incontinence.
Her room smells of urine regardless of what I do.
Except for my insistence that she shower, she will not wash her hands or even use hand sanitizer, sooo.......I can't use the bathroom that we share without first using Lysol wipes on the toilet, vanity, door frame, walls and door handle.....cleaning up the stool that is everywhere she touched.
I know she has dementia and that it is not her fault but the disease.
This should be a joyful time in my life.....I will become a grandmother in about 6 weeks. Instead of being able to enjoy this special time with my daughter, I feel like a slave to a woman I am not even related to.
I am past emotional exhaustion - not sure if I need to cry or scream.
Is placing your ex MIL in care facility an option? You can't go on like this because you'll make yourself physically, emotionally, mentally ill, so what's going to change?
You're in a really bad situation and I know everyone on here would like to help if you can give us a little more background. Hugs to you! It's not easy no matter how you got to where you are now.
How are you doing, book? Are the migraines bothering you and the stress at work? Who am I kidding, from your dad?
Hope you have something good to read to de-stress. I wish you could get away for just a couple of nights for you. I know that's not possible. Wish I could wave a magic wand for you!
Her son is too wrapped up in himself, ex MIL might hear from him every two months. I have explained the situation to him many times, I have begged him to take her, just for a few hours. He says he will, but never shows up.
Things started the down hill slide about 8 months ago. Y'all know the drill. I believe the tipping point was when we had to evacuate from hurricane Matthew.
When we were able to return home (no damage thankfully) she got depressed, stopped drinking enough water, lost her appetite etc. Was admitted to hosp 3 times for dehydration and bladder infections.
I have been trying to find a nursing home for her. Her insurance won't pay for it, she can't afford it and her son...well he's too busy.
DCF was contacted, they came out and interviewed everyone, they are aware that she can't/won't care for herself. self neglect is common. She agreed to placement, so DCF has started the process. When I spoke with them yesterday, I was told they were working on it and I needed to be patient, it could take some time,
I am looking for someone to come in 2-3 days a week. 4-5 hours each day, help with her daily needs and give me a break.
I am very worried about her increased aggression, yesterday she told me daughter that she was going to slap her. My daughter was trying to get her to put dry clothes on. What if she does hit someone??
You can do a search here and see more alternate advises.
I'm a creature of habit. I can do the same thing over and over for decades and not have any desire to deviate. I will go to Taco Bell and always order either the burrito supreme or the small crunchy tacos. Period. Same applies for Burger King - always the Whopper Jr. Subway - always the tuna sandwich-same stuffing, no deviation.
Therefore, I really enjoy eating out with others. They would say, "That's what you're ordering? Chicken?! Why don't you try this dish or that dish. You'll like it. Anyway, I'm treating." And I try something new. When best friend came and we had teppanyaki lunch. Nothing on that menu was I familiar with. So I chose something. OMG! The tofu was yummy!!! The bean sprouts was yum!!! The salmon was yummmmm. Too bad the steak had too much fats, I almost choked several times trying to swallow it whole since chewing, chewing, chewing was NOT working to cut it to smaller piece. In the end, I didn't eat the steak. But, this made me realized how much I am missing out on Not eating other food.
So, I've tried the new spicy chicken sandwich at Wendys. Whew is that hot and delicious (but it made a dent on my lunch budget.) I went to Denny's to celebrate January. Instead of ordering my usual, I tried something different: Salmon, potatoes, cherry tomatoes and mushrooms skillet meal. Hmmm. If only the whole food was tasty. Unfortunately, some portions were very bland. And if I ever order it again, I will request a separate small plate to put the salmon on. As the food continued to cook from the very hot skillet, the salmon was also cooking and.. at first it was delicious. But towards the end, it was hard and dry. Lesson learned - separate the salmon!
I missed a lot on not being adventurous when it comes to trying new food. On the other hand, although I enjoyed the Denny's salmon, my favorite food (scrambled eggs, mushrooms, onions, jalapeno peppers) still wins hands down. Later! Past midnight...
That is strange how the salmon was served and allowed to continue to cook. I like your idea of a separate plate for the fish. The chef could learn from you, truly.
You made me really hungry for Taco Bell. The nearest one to me is 20 miles so I don't have it too often. I always get a crunchy beef taco with extra cheese and onions and a side of refried beans. It's tasty and I like the price! Way back when I lived and worked in the city, I was at their drive through at least twice a week for lunch. If I was feeling flush, I'd get their Mexican pizza with a side of beans. Yum!
How is your dad doing? Any changes with him lately? My mom had a troubling change today. Her feet and ankles are now incredibly swollen to the point her skin is shiny. The nurse got her into her recliner with her feet raised up high up on pillows above her heart. They suspect she may have kidney or heart problems. We'll discuss this with hospice tomorrow. The AL nurses are not sure she is a candidate for a diuretic as she doesn't drink enough water and is under 80 lbs. now.
These are sure interesting times for all of us. ((Hugs)) to you!
I don't know where to go anymore for my aches and pains. I've had xrays, scan, MRI, neurologist. I think I've exhausted the physical aspect. Maybe I need therapy to deal with my stress, inability to put myself first instead of my parental obligation... It's this mental anguish that's wearing and tearing me consciously and subconsciously. I don't like therapy....
I can't remember if you've hit menopause, but I got some major hormonal headaches around that time. I've found that getting up and taking extra medication through the night - even though moving is the last thing you feel like doing - can help me sleep more deeply and wake up with the headache manageable or gone altogether by morning.
I also think you may benefit from finding a counselor that would work for you. There must be someone that is familiar with elder and caregiver issues.
anyways, my mother and I have a very close "connection" which now that she has AD is very hard on me...
Yesterday I got in the car after visiting her in N.H. and my phone said "retry saying Call Mom "
I have never used the talk feature on my phone... Needless to say , it made me feel really sad and guilty for leaving her :(
I have a giant bunion on my right foot that definitely needs surgery. I've been putting it off because I can't take two weeks off from looking after my mom. I loved shoes in my former life, now have to wear boots two sizes too big to get by. It still hurts to walk with every step. I have a corn on top of the bunion and it rubs really bad.
I sympathize with you. I'll take foot pain over a headache any day. Hugs to you book! I hope you feel better dear friend!
Windy, headaches are normal for me. Been having it since middle school, every single month. It's just that when I come here and post my aches/pains, it's because I've been dealing with it too long, and just need to vent it.
Menopause? I just joined the age group of 50 and over. I haven't researched meno. I guess I should.
Is anyone here, like a gremlin? Do electronic devices like freeze, stop working, and dies much more frequently than other people? My laptop and my kindles are driving me crazy. New kindle 2016 keeps freezing and shutting down. When I reboot it, I lost the audio book. I have to re-download it. The same with just reading the plain ebook with no audio. It freezes and shuts off to home page. So, I went and got my older kindle of 2013. I spent all afternoon downloading my ebooks to the 2013, and deleting the same ebooks from the 2016. Then, when I tried to download One audiobook in the 2013 - it's like over 3 hours now. Yet, the 2016 kindle downloads so fast.
I really like Amazon ebooks. Any recommendation on Another device that I can buy to replace my kindles? I'm just fed up with kindles. Ipad... I have one but.... it's heavier than the kindle. I'm seriously thinking of getting rid of these kindles and replace it with a reliable ereader with internet access. Must be at least 7 to 8" in height. My current iPad sis got for me is 10". Something light and small and great for reading for hours. I can send money to my brother in the states to buy it, and he can mail it to me.
Talking about paranormal, my nephew brought his stuffed pet monster to help chase the bad spirit bothering his grandpa. But he told me that he saw my doll and that the livingroom's atmosphere feels different, lighter. So, he didn't bring his pet monster in. Whew!!! I'm scared of his pet monster.
He then asked me if anything unusual happens now that I chased the spirit out of the livingroom. I didn't answer him. He looked at me and asked again. I sighed... Yeah, when I walked into the kitchen from the front door, I saw something fly from the right vision downward to the floor and heard a splat. I looked at the floor and saw nothing. I looked behind me where it came from - and saw nothing. Then the next day, at night, I walked into the kitchen from the livingroom. As I reached the fridge, I saw from my left vision something fly past me and downward and heard a splat. I looked at the floor and saw nothing.... He asked me what kind of a splat? Describe it to him. I said that it sounds like when a lizard from the ceiling falls and lands on the floor -splat. He said that it's good it's not the other sound - like a boom. He told me that I've chased it out into the kitchen. I told him that I want another doll for my bedroom to guard it. I'm not happy about only 1 doll guarding it. He said that one is sufficient. I shook my head. I need 2 but I cannot find another doll wearing eye glasses... The ones online doesn't make me desire to have it. Okay... enough of that. I will end up scaring myself.
My dad was a big believer in chiropractics so we went regularly when we were kids. I never liked the neck crack then and I wouldn't let anyone try it now, aside from the potential danger of it I expect I would be too tense and it would hurt!
The big advantage of ereaders is the e ink, I wouldn't want to do a lot of reading on a lit screen, especially since you tend to get headaches. I always download my books to my desktop and then transfer them to my ereader (an old kobo) so I can't offer any solutions for you there.
Ugh, mom is calling and calling again... I hate it when we start the day crazy before I have my coffee.
Also pumpkin pie is just $2.99