This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
P.S.... I called a restaurant and placed a take out order this afternoon at 3:30pm. Yum!! I ate like a starving person. That beef shank soup was soooo delicious!
Here in Maryland, there was a very minor snowfall last week. That everyone(except me), was freaking out about. It was less than half a foot. In Minnesota, there would sometimes be up to four feet of snow. They just took it casually, no freaking out.
I love Duluth. It's a beautiful place. Love the lift bridge and watching the iron ore boats come into harbor. It's quite the experience. We have visited a few times. The Northshore drive is incredible, especially in the fall.
That said, kids I am in such a place tonight. Mom hasn't been able to hold her head up since Friday.
I think we took her out to her last Sunday lunch. I was in tears on the way home, that from a person that hasn't been able to cry in five years.
Mom's head is bowing towards her lap since Friday. Mom wanted coffee and a shot of brandy. Tried two glasses and two straws. Nothing worked.
She is actively dying.
This is directed at the community in general.
Take that shot of brandy yourself
I went to work today. I was sick tired. When boss walked in and I greeted him, he immediately told me that if I'm still not up to par, I should go home. Fave sis just dropped by to borrow money to help pay for preemie's hospital visit. She told me that I sound awful. Hmmm, I sound normal to me...I wonder if that's why the boss told me to go home and rest...
I couldn't help it. Oldest sis just gave me a bag of shrimp chips. SHRIMP chips. What immediately popped into my head, "Is she trying to kill me?" .. I like shrimp chips. I kept eating it until my allergy finally forced me to stop... tingling tongue that feels funny- is scary to experience. And yes, she knows I'm allergic to it....
Dad is vocal...nonstop...over and over. Throwing in some cussing, too.
Book, I'm speechless. Eating shrimp chips? Going back to work as sick as you must still be? Please take care of yourself.
As for the shrimp chips, correction on that. I used to eat lots of shrimp chips when I was forced to no longer eat the real shrimp. It's like when smokers need to quit smoking. I tried the cold turkey, or the cold shrimp. That didn't work. So, to ease myself off the cold shrimp quitting stage, I ate shrimp chips. For a long time, I had no reactions to it. Then one day, I did. By that time, I was getting sick of shrimp chips. So, no hardship there. Anyway, I've reached the point with my shrimp allergy that I now react to cheese curls that are made in the same facility that makes shrimp products. I know, from experience. (FYI, I didn't read the cheese curls container. It had in big bold warning to those allergic to shrimp....) So, my family knows I'm allergic to shrimp. Fave sis will always offer me some of her salt-n-pepper shrimp when we're eating out. Oldest sis insists on giving me shrimp chips. Go figure!
Made an appointment with doc tomorrow for my throat.
By the way, one last thought, did you know that there's such a thing as Extra Soft toothbrush?! I have discovered there is such a thing! I tend to brush my teeth hard. No matter how I try to brush lightly, I end up heavy handed. Lately, brushing is painful. This toothbrush was a freebie from my last dental cleaning appointment. Oh my... I enjoy brushing my teeth these past couple of days. I haven't even tasted blood. No matter how hard my hand pushes against the brush, it doesn't even hurt my mouth. So for any of you who are heavy handed when brushing, I recommend getting those extra soft brushes... We don't have those on island - I would have bought it. I found some on Ebay. Night!
I've been feeling a bit better. The part time job I got kills my back but I needed the break from grandma. The problem now is pain management for myself. I am slightly concerned in the future if the caregiver burnout I had will reappear? Now that I'm doing both the job away and the job here.
Nothing is trivial when it comes to issues at any stage of our lives. It just pains me to hear of such a little guy having a difficult time at the very beginning of his life. ((Hugs)) to your family and wishes for a long and healthy and happy life for him.
Also, I wish for some rest for you. The constant yelling by dad must drive you up a wall! It must be maddening. Poor friend!
Thank you all for your kind thoughts. It's just waiting time now. *sigh*
Mom can't brush her teeth or feed herself now, and refuses my help or anyone's help. Cachexia is advanced now. Time just seems to go so fast.
Trying to adjust to what is to come. I know a lot of you have been in this place. I've been there once before with my dad. I know it gets better eventually. Just hate the dying phase.
Windy, you're a very good person. And strong. Your mom sounds closer to the end of the road she's traveling. We're here if you just need to share this journey, to let it out instead of keeping it all in.
Came home from the clinic. It's not allergies. Nor the flu. Something viral that's causing the sneezing and head stuffiness. Just keep what I'm doing - hot teas with honey, gargle salty water.... and told to take lozenges for sore throat and Tylenol for the throat pain. It's not contagious and I can go back to work tomorrow.
We had that weird viral thing here, too, seems like it's all over the place right now. Comes and stays for weeks, lots of coughing and congestion, and the fatigue that comes with it is terrible.
Please don't eat any more shrimp chips with an allergy that extreme. Are sisters trying to intentionally put you out of commission or something??
I'm just relaxing for a moment before going to bed. It's raining outside, just lightly, and I love hearing that sound. It's so soothing and it's NOT snow! :) Too cold to have windows open but I can hear it on the deck outside the window. Spring weather will be here soon. I love it!
Hospice got my mom a Broda wheelchair and she is better able to hold her head up now. The thing is huge! It's like a recliner on wheels and she is able to put her legs up when she's sitting in it.
We had a semi-pleasant lunch at the bistro in her AL. More wiping up spills than eating with her poor arms, but at least she ate something.
I cleaned things up then told her I was ready to go as I had errands to run. She looked at me and said you need to get me to my room.
My eyes got wide, I'm sure. I'm used to her in her flimsy transport chair. This behemoth chair is beyond my comprehension. I told her that in not those exact words. Fortunately/unfortunately, a visiting nurse showed me how to unlock all for wheels and got us on our way.
I'm a petite woman with a bad back. All of the sudden I'm pushing a freaking huge Barcalounger recliner down a long haul and into an elevator. Steering the thing is impossible. When the elevator opened on her floor, there were several people with walkers waiting to get on. Ohhhh!
I felt so bad that everyone had to move to get her out. I was hopping mad that I allowed my mom to place me in this situation. I'm not a CNA, I have no training with medical equipment and she is paying $6,000 a month to talk ME into doing this. I'm a dummy but I guess the guilt buttons still work.
The worst part was getting to her room and we were locked out. The keys were on her transport chair! Back I go down to the front desk to find a CNA to get us in. I was sooo frustrated!
When I was leaving, three people that work there gave me a big hug. They heard what happened and know how my mom abuses my willingness to help. They said they will talk with my mom about the Broda chair. It's a liability for me to move her. I am in no way to transport her in it. Even at 75 pounds, she requires a two person lift to her recliner which she does automatically when she gets to her room.
I feel stupid that I allowed her to talk me into that fiasco. Must've been a FOGgy day. *sigh*
Well......my husband, who has Alzheimer's had a delusion the other day. I was able to calm him down only because I suffer from Depression and have had a few hospitalizations for the same myself...I know first hand how to handle them.
My son wants me to babysit for their 2 year old, VERY active 2 year old. I told him I can no longer do it as I can hardly handle my husband. He is very upset with me and is giving me a huge guilt trip for not babysitting anymore. (I did for 2 years) She is currently sick with a fever and ear infection. My son cannot bring her to daycare because of her illness and EXPECTS me to babysit!!!! I finally said NO! I cannot afford to get sick nor my husband for that matter!!! He is very mad at me presently. My mom who is 92 wants to move in with me as Assisted Living is too expensive!!!! How do I cope with all this is beyond me. Sometimes I just don't know how to handle all this. I'm only 65 and my husband has had Alzheimer's for 4 years. Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. I think I need to talk to a shrink or something!!! Memory care is just too darn expensive to consider at this point so I'll be caring for him for a long, long time.
Windy, I had to google broda wheelchair to see what it looks like. That is bulky. My mom would have benefited from that. Maybe. Mom, on a wheelchair, would be sliding down. We had to strap her upper chest and lap area to keep her on the chair.... If you knew that pushing that wheelchair should have been done by the professionals, I guess your mom really does know how to push your button. Well, now you know how to respond back to her the next time she makes this request. "I was told not to do it. That only they can do it...." etc....
I may be my 2 nieces' 2nd mama while they were growing up - but I never ever did free babysitting. If fave sis wanted to go out, I got paid babysitting money. If I had the girls on Saturdays, sis gave me the money to cover all of our meals and games/rides at the kiddy playground. If we went shopping at Kmart, sis reimbursed me on what I spent on her girls.... Just recently, I told fave niece that if she needs a babysitter, I'm available - but it will cost her $10.00. She rather have her parents do it - for free. See where I'm coming at? It's only $10.00 but ... she can get away with it for free through her mom (grandma) babysitting.... It's time for your adult son to be the parent and pay for his child cost - even if it means a daycare/babysitting service. Don't fall for the guilt-trip because you already have so much to do.
Oh, by the way, don't - do not - let mom move in with you. If you think the situation right now is bad, it'll triple the stress/anxiety/monetary cost when she moves in. {{{{shudder}}} For a couple of months, I was the caregiver for both bedridden parents. Mom was completely vegetative state, couldn't even remain on her side while I was changing her pamper, on 24/7 oxygen, stomach tube and trache. I had to daily clean where her stomach hole and the trache. Daily sanitize the water container for the oxygen machine. And change both their pampers in the morning before I went to work, and then bedtime. Mom was more critical. Dad just suffered a stroke but not critical just refused to go to rehab to learn to walk. Towards the end, Dad was giving me a very hard time. He wanted me to cater to him first before mom- in feeding, changing pampers, etc...
I can just see what this will be like if your mom moves in! Just continue to do your best - keep saying no to son, saying no to mom.... Take care.
Ingredients: Dos libras na Guihan, Ocho pat dies granu limon, Dies hagon siboyas, Un median na tason kinamyon ma'son, Sinko pidason donne'...
By the time I got to the last ingredient, my throat was hurting and my voice was fading. In the meantime, with puzzled looks, dad kept telling me that it's Spanish.... No, no, it's in our language.... No, it's Spanish... I gave up... I think I was killing our language.
I went to the cashier the other day. Before he greeted me, I asked him a question. He was so shocked, he suddenly laughed. While laughing, he kept saying that he thought I was Japanese. He only knew I wasn't when I spoke to him perfectly in English (no Japanese accent.) He almost spoke to me in Japanese. Poor guy couldn't get over it. Every time he looked at me, he shook his head. I splurged on my craving - salt/pepper pork chops. Yum! It was hot! Made my runny nose run even more than usual. Cleared that sinus so fast.
Preemie nephew caught the coughs. Fave sis said they all got the flu. All of them. She was one of the first to get it. Got well. Then when the others got the flu, she got it again......My fave niece has been trying to get me to carry or hold the baby. I refuse. He's just so small... he looks like a newborn. I need to hold him before they leave in May...
I'm not a hugger. Today, both of her kids sat on my sides and we stayed squashed together for hours singing along on the children's songs in YouTube on my iPad. Ugh! My throat couldn't handle the singing. I kept coughing. So the kids did most of the singing. Wow, hours just sitting on the sofa squashed together tightly.... I should have asked their mother to take our pics naturally without posing.... I'm soooo going to miss them...
Hubs and I stopped by my mom's place to tell her in person. She said she wishes it was her. :(
We are moving his stuff out of the AL tomorrow.
Feeling kind of numb.