This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
As far as the urine smell, I never found anything that would eradicate it except a change of linens and mopping the room, etc. Try the charcoal, what do you have to lose? I'll bet it does work... to some extent or another.
Try it, I'd be curious to see if it works. You could get briquets and put them in a little box under the bed, or in a corner?
My mom passed away this afternoon. I wanted to hold her hand when she died but mom had other ideas. True to herself to the very end.
A close friend and I spent the whole morning with her. I can't say enough good things about the hospice staff and the AL staff. Mom was going through some rough Cheyne-Stokes breathing and the hospice sent a wonderful massage therapist. She spent an hour and a half massaging mom's neck, head, arms and feet with aromatherapy lotion while soothing music played.
AL staff was there every few minutes, checking vitals, checking for pain, swabbing her mouth and making sure she was comfortable. They also gave huge hugs and words of comfort to reassure me. We all shed tears. Mom was in her AL over three years so we all have grown attached to each other.
Even though my mom has been unable to speak for the past couple of days, I knew she could hear me as she could slightly nod her head. I told her I was leaving to take my friend home, that I loved her and I would be back shortly. She nodded.
I returned a half hour later and thought it strange that no one made eye contact when I signed in. They are always so friendly.
I made my way down the hall to the elevator and someone who works there that mom and I have become very good friends with was sobbing out of control. She grabbed me and told me mom was gone just two minutes ago.
When I got to mom's place on the second floor two others were leaving in tears. The chaplain was there to bless mom. She did not die alone. Just without me there.
And that's okay. She left on her own terms, as always. I spent 45 minutes alone with her body. So weird. I'd stroke her head and expect her eyes to flutter. Nothing. I know, she's no longer there, but my mind is still not in a place to accept that. It's too fresh.
The hospice nurse came to confirm her death. I told her of my wish to be with her and she told me mom chose to do it that way. She asked if I told her I would be right back? I told her, yes I did.
She said this has happened so many times in her experience that it can't be coincidence. Family leaves and people pass on. It's their last gift to us as they don't want us to experience the pain of their last moments.
It gives me comfort. I am so grateful for the support of so many people, not the least, all of you here at AC. Mom and I had our ups and downs over the past 6+ years and you were all so good with advice and a shoulder to lean on virtually. You propped me up with your experienced words, advice and a whole lot of love. You've touched my heart and I thank you so much, each and every one of you.
I will not be a stranger. I care about the journey you all are taking. I will be there for you as you were for me.
Love to all!
Suzie
Love from Send.
You seem to be doing better than I think I would be in your spot. I know you've been expecting this but now it's here. Sounds like mom had as nice of a send off from this world as one could hope for. That's wonderful that she had that much support and comfort.
Please take care of yourself. Get a sleep aid if you need one for a few days. If it helps, post away about your how you're feeling now that your mom has passed. Best of everything with arranging the final details for her. Massive (((((HUGS))))) to you and yours.
Might sound strange, but... I'm really proud of you. You and your mom handled this with love and grace. I know there were lots of little bumps, but in the end, your love for each other and your sense of humor about things is what I'll remember about all the posts about your mom, her placement, the smoking, lol. :) Rest in peace, windy's mom.
I hope you're asleep at this late hour
What a beautiful post and what a wonderful daughter you are
We are all thinking of you and hope you are able to rest
Hugs
Ms Madge
You know...we're kind of like family here, and it's hard to see the loved ones our family members have cared for passing on, one after another. Some of our family members here come and go rather quickly, as their need for the help found on this site is brief - others stay long after their loved one has passed, and it's just for that very reason that we're like family. Oh, like any family, we bicker from time to time, and some choose to leave because of it - but some choose to stay and work it out, and the family is stronger for it. That's how it is with a family.
Windy, I hope you'll stay and be part of the family for a long time to come. We're all thinking of you right now, as you're dealing with the overwhelm and "fog" in the mind that comes with the passing of your dear mom. Many of us have been there - some more recent than others - and we know what you're going through. Hang in there, and take it day by day. This is not an easy time, by any measure, but you'll come through it on the other side with wonderful memories.
What was strangest for me this evening is that it didn't phase me at all when I saw her on the floor. After going through things a few times with my father and mother, it all seems like old hat. We're lucky that she always seems to land on her bottom somehow, instead of hitting her head or twisting a leg. I dread the fall that will need an ambulance.
Now I congratulate her when she manages to get out of her wheelchair and sit on the toilet - good job!
When she asks if I want her to stand up and stick her butt out so I can wipe her though I say not really
I just had a long discussion with Hubs on the phone about what the future holds for his parents. They are getting to that stage. His Dad is 87, Mom 81. They moved here 3 mths. ago from Saskatoon. They are living in a big house which is totally unmanageable for them. They can't handle the stairs much anymore. Hubs sister, his only sibling who lives here doesn't have a vehicle big enough to transport them anywhere cause she also has two toddlers. So Hubs is constantly chauffeuring them everywhere. Taking them to eat every day, doctors appts. the whole nine yards. They expect to be entertained. Hubs told me just now that he figures they expect to be taken care of by their kids til they die. They were impossible people when they were young so it's the same old story that has been written on here every day.
Why did no one tell us that life would be like this when our parents get old? It seems like that is all we talk about anymore, Hubs and I. His parents refuse to discuss this like reasonable people. Hubs doesn't get along with his siblings. I told him your story is written out on AC in various different ways every single day. What do you think I've been trying to talk to you about? Now, he acts like this is a brand new thing. He thinks his parents will refuse to go to a nursing home when the time comes.
All the discussions about falls you guys were having recently. I told him I lived that with my Mom and eventually you'll live that with your parents. And on and on it goes. When does it end?
As for your hubbie, no matter how many warnings and red flags there are out there you just can't see it until it is happening to you, that's an unfortunate reality.
Now that taxes are filed, it seems there were no "fun" plans made, and everything seems to be the same. I am getting so very tired of everything falling to me. My sis took her grandkids to a park with a merry go round, and an Easter-egg hunt, one found the golden egg!
Hubs will go to church services in the a.m., but there are no sunrise services, and he will come home for his usual nap, 2-6 p.m.
There is no getting together with friends and family for traditional holiday
events. A friend is in hospital recovering from major back surgery, and prayers are needed.
And I was really stressed out over the tax form requirements.
FTB form had 5 pages with what seemed a foreign language. Even if there was nothing owed, we're talking about a refund of $3.51, and I have forgotten how to turn that into whole numbers. Now, I am keenly aware of why Jessebelle posted: "I think the government has dementia", filling out those forms!
These are minor when looking at what you have to deal with, alone with your Mom. I understand.
However, I would venture to say even I have forgotten just how unpleasant, just how much work those family events actually were. So, for this holiday, I am choosing boring.
I prefer to imagine those who can, will be lacing up their tennis shoes for a run, a walk, or walking a dog. Wish I was there....
It does seem new, but it's not. Plans were made which included their son by default. And sad to say, he is participating in their plan. Rough road ahead.
Moving in to that big house-you know better, but he does not. You are a good person-save yourself.
The ages are one year exactly older than my aunt & uncle's desperate and rapid decline. You are right to be concerned and realistic. Hugs!
It was hard with my Mom but so much easier in a lot of ways cause she valued her independence so, so much and never wanted to be a burden. Hub's parents are the total opposite. I think they feel they have it coming to them. And while I agree that parents should expect that their kids will help to a certain extent, not the way it's going so far with Hubs parents and I expect will get worse and worse the older they get.
I foresee a rocky road ahead. I consider myself a kind, Christian woman but do not want to get caught in the middle of this. These are the kind of people that if you give them an inch they'll take a mile. I learned that with them a long, long time ago. Thus, my wanting to stay as far away from this as possible.
Treat youself to dinner at Mimi's Cafe or Marie calendars
I'm blessed that a good friend went and had lunch with mom at the hoca so I'm making deviled eggs for her now and hope to be able to take her out for dinner tonight
Nothing is like it used to be but I opened the window and the birds are singing and the roses are in bloom so I'm choosing not to worry, wash clothes or pay bills today
Now where's the chocolate ?
We will go out, MsMadge, soon as I can walk without this much pain.
My very own rose bush does have one bloom, and there are plenty of birds singing all day. Interesting tweets, maybe from a new species just passing thru. Yes, no laundry, no bill paying. You are right.
That friend has really been there for you!
Hapy Easter, MsMadge.
Hope you all had an okay or better Easter!
Mine was weird but good. No ham for the first time in 56 years, but yummy Szechuan food in the city with our son. Can't wrap my head around the fact my mom is gone. It's only been five days though. Still dealing with all the practical aspects, move out of AL was Friday. So many things squirreled away.
I feel like I'm moving underwater. Grief manifesting physically I'm sure.
My cousin called awhile ago and my mom's last remaining sibling died today. That makes it a trifecta. FIL, mom and uncle in three weeks. Why do they all have to go at once? This stinks. All of my cousins and I are orphans now as well as my in-laws.
Hard to know who to grieve.
Windy, it is plenty for you to process. Find a grief support group when you are ready. They are very helpful. Hospice organizations have them too. Reach out for support here too. Many here have been through it.