This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
I tried calling both, BOTH adult nephews who have no job and I couldn't reach them. I called their mom. She went home to pick some tools and came to the DMV. She was able to unscrew that last one.... anyway, I was telling my nephew that I'm leaving the new screwdriver in the trunk. I need to buy the other screw driver tool. He asked which one's that. I said the one that looks like this.- and proceeded to show him my 2 fingers moving up and down...He was puzzled... In exasperation, I said, "It looks like a capital F but it can go small or big."... Nephew, "oh, an adjustable wrench!" ...well, yeah!... I still need buy one of those...
He suddenly looked at me and said that my doll moved. Huh? He said it was looking at him. Then when grandpa starting calling out the girl, my doll is now looking at Grandpa on the doll's left. Nephew jumped up and was obviously freaked out. He started inching toward the door while staring at the doll. (He has a stuffed monster that moves around his house.)
I was confused because He was the one who told me to bring out my doll to protect dad from the 'cruel ' spirits who wants to hurt dad. As I watched him inching away, I told him that this is not the scarier doll. That one is in my bedroom. .. I don't want to lose my Saturday sitter. So I asked him if he wanted me to put the doll back in my bedroom. He said no. Leave it.
A few nights ago, I heard sis go outside to smoke in the middle of the night. As I drifted back to sleep, I heard noises from her room. Hmmm. Did I fall asleep and she's back in her room? I looked at the security camera and saw sis sitting on the porch smoking. Ugh! She has a very active spirit in her bedroom.. I wonder if this is the one she keeps getting mad. I hear her through the door talking angrily. Sigh.. between her and dad.....
I figured sis was having a mental problem, like schizophrenia. I try to rationalize her actions. So when she's in her bedroom, yelling angrily, I wonder if one night, she will stab me to death. (Mom's dementia included violence.) To know that sis is still outside smoking and hearing movements in her open bedroom door just.. OMG! I cannot rationalize it away. So for now, my head is buried under the sand. ..
I'm currently stressing out because fave niece and her 3 kids will be leaving in 12 days. I want to see them off at the airport. It will be my last time to see them. Their flight leaves at 6:00am. I'm trying to figure out how I can leave the house around 4:00am. I know I need to go- to cry it out and not hold it in... Sorry... I've basically shut down the closer to their departure. I've been very impatient with dad. I can't concentrate on paying the bills. I've basically shut down.
I have to remember all of the times I wanted to just leave the house and not come back, and her being ungrateful and combative to remind me this is the right thing to do.
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I am once again a caregiver of sorts- my bf has kidney failure and uncontrolled diabetes. He helped me all these years and let his health go.
I dont know what to feel about this......
I am a bit resentful though because I want to not eat meat and he cannot eat beans. Also..... I was unable to leave him before this, now I really feel I cannot...... in 3 years it will be dialysis and he is already having trouble seeing..... the future is dim :-/
Everything around me reminds me that our time on earth is limited. My mother's friend enjoyed her life completely until her health became so bad. She died young (77) by today's standards. She probably could have lived a lot longer if she'd cared for herself better. She was diabetic. But maybe she had the right idea that it is more important to enjoy life. Her husband may disagree, since he's left alone.
At the same time, his memory loss is becoming more of a problem, and he's looping and exaggerating in his endless repetition of stories. It's bad enough to hear the stories for the thousandth time; sometimes they are word for word the same (Have I told you how I met my wife?) and other times every single thing gets exaggerated to make him more important and valued (I was head usher, not just usher). It makes me crazy. I don't want people thinking less of him because of his behavior and verbal changes - and in this place, with so many seniors, they've seen it before - but I'm finding that my patience is wearing very, very thin. I have years of this ahead of me and it worries and scares me.
And I really, really miss my cat.
I've been on here almost 7! years, Miss Ladeedah, she was a great person. I hope she's doing okay.
Book, you have always been in my thoughts also and you too Jessie also Jeanne.
What a journey! The absence of my mother is incredible. I know I complained a lot about how she drove me crazy. The silence in my life is both good and bad.
Our little Jack Russell terrier was just diagnosed with heart failure. I'm glad mom isn't around to hear the news. She dearly loved the furry guy. I like to think she's on the other side of the Rainbow Bridge waiting for him. They were best buddies.
We always raced her in her wheelchair down the hall at her AL versus his wiggly butt. He always won.
Too much loss lately. It can be a bit much.
I couldn't cry about mom, but the dog, OMG. Tears are good! What a life!
Life without mom is weird
What a freakin' roller coaster! FIL dying, then mom, then uncle and now my beloved Jack Russell. The vet didn't think he would make it through the long weekend.
God had other plans. The little dude rallied this weekend. Hopefully we will have him a little while longer.
Too much loss at once. My thoughts and prayers are with you all struggling with a loved one still with you. It is a very hard road and I understand.
Losing them is awful, but the burden is lifted. It's a no win trade off. I would do it all over again to have my mom back in my life. Hugs to all!
Micalost, bummer about the bf. Just when you thought you finally found 'freedom' from caregiving, you now have a new one. First my mom. Then my dad. My oldest bro pissed me off because he told me that if he ever needs caregiving, that I will be there for him. He has a wife and 3 kids that lived next to us all these past 20 years I helped dad with mom. THEY weren't much of a help. When mom died, bro had the nerve to tell me at her nightly church mass - with a laugh that he was suppose to be the one to take care of mom. Ha. Ha. Ha. Soooo not funny. I won't feel any obligation to take care of him. He wasn't here for over 20 years - to say, "sis, why don't you fly off-island for vacation? Me and the family will help dad with mom... or with dad..." Deep breathe.. Still feeling bitter - as you can see.
JessieBelle, sorry to hear about your mom's best friend. I think I understand what you mean about your mom not really seeming to grieve. The same when mom died. It's as if the stroke/senility have wiped away the concept of understanding and feeling mom's death. He mainly calls for his mother. He sees his sister's picture and thinks it's his mom... The year mom died: Dad's sister died in January. Mom passed away in March. And dad's 'twin' brother died in June...My family's superstition that when one dies, it's followed by 2 more. I bet everyone breathed a sigh of relief when Uncle died. He made #3. No more deaths.... But back to mom's passing away. My dad only showed signs of grief at the Viewing. He saw mom in the casket and he started crying. That was the only time he ever showed grief for mom.
Both nieces chipped in together and got me a Ross gift card for Mother's Day. sniffle..sniffle...
I gave her a card that Sunday. It was a Hallmark card for the niece. I wrote some words in it - saying that I cannot say these words to her verbally aloud. So, I will write it to her (that was just as difficult to do). I've enclosed some going-away cash. (Just like when I went to Hawaii for my surgery, my male first cousin and his mother gave me cash.) She told me via Messenger that she cried when she read my card. It was a pretty card, too. Almost 3-D with paper flowers sticking out of the card... She called me one time via the Messenger - a video opened up of her on my iPad, and on the top right corner, was my yucky face (ugh! That double chin have to go! Or maybe next time set up the iPad to be a little higher so it doesn't prominently show that double chin!)
Today, she messaged me that her 3 year old daughter said, "I love auntie K." Niece showed 4 of those icon faces with tears streaming down. I would show it here but my laptop doesn't have the emoji button on the keyboard... I haven't responded back. I just don't want to cry....
One more thing... fave sis told me that her hubby is planning to look for a job in the mainland. If he finds one, they will be moving to the states... My family support system is crumbling.... moving away... far, far away.
Well, they changed it again. They've put back the original outside plastic lining (not the clothy-type) and it's smaller! I looked at the packaging. It still says "large" but I swear, this should no longer be called a large size. It's actually more of a "medium" size! So, more tugging and pulling. At least I haven't torn a pamper yet! ... He's sooooo frustrated today. The minute I came home from work, he wants me, ordered me to call the technician. Why??? He said that he cannot reach inside now. =)
Hang in there
I always thought depends ran small - CVS drug store unisex brand was a better fit and price until it was discontinued in favor of lavender briefs for women
Walgreens still makes a white unisex brief - maybe you can order online
For a while, ordering boxes of gloves were cheaper than buying it here. I would buy several boxes in eBay and asked the seller real nicely if she can take it out of the boxes and stuff it all in the large flat rate box. Then the USPS flat rate 📦 shrank in size. I used to keep a supply of it. One day, a woman in front of me had the newer box. I asked her if that was the medium box. She showed me the size - large! When I went home, I checked my supplies. Yep, my large size boxes were definitely larger than the current versions. So, now it's not economical for me to order much stuff from off-island if shipping cost is $19.00. I wish we have other big stores on island like CVS and Walmart.
When I was age 49, the doc reminded that next year, I will get a colonoscopy. I said no. She said, "we will see." So, the following year, I became age 50 and terrified about the colonoscopy, I skipped my annual check up. Unfortunately, I still had to go in for my headaches and GERD. Every time I came in, she brought up the colonoscopy. I refused.
Another year goes by. To avoid the colonoscopy, again, I didn't do my yearly checkup. I wonder how bad my cholesterol has gone up since 2yrs ago. Anyway I had to go in because my reflux is getting worse. My bottom teeth are visibly looking damaged, throat is painful when I talk too long or cough or sneeze. Food seems to get stuck midway down... I tried to change doctor but I was told I must stick to my regular doctor informed to me by the receptionist and the other doctor... I was soooo relieved doc was on maternity leave and I was being seen by the RN. When She also brought up colonoscopy, tears immediately formed in my eyes as I stared at her. I was blinking so hard trying not to let the tears flow. She was staring at me as I just sat there staring back at her with tears. She immediately said it's okay and changed the subject... She got me a referral for an endoscopy for my reflux. That was last month.