This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
My mom passed on June 1.
Make hay while the sun shines, eh?
Our village has a new chapel. The Jesus hanging on the cross... is odd looking. I swear he looks like his body is swaying to the music with his eyes closed. *gasp* He looks indecently exposed. Fave sis didn't see anything wrong with it. I told her that I get these email updates of current romance novels, that statue of Jesus loin cover is just as low as those novel covers of hot alpha males. That loin cover is way below the belly button and just covering the... you get the drift. I said that they can't complain about women wearing skimpy clothes because Jesus is just as indecently exposed. I found nothing wrong with the Jesus hanging on the cross in the main church.
A few nights ago, the priest was sooooo angry. We all filled up the back of the chapel and there were several people standing in the back. He stopped his sermon and angrily told the standing people that there are seats up front. Those seated on the side pews by the wall - were told to move to the center pews. He then told us seated on the back pews to move to the front pews. Hello?! The chapel is so small, we don't need to move to the front. He said that sitting on the back pews are distracting us. He waited for us to move to the front. As a non-Catholic, I'm sitting on the last pew out of respect of my non-participation. I refused to move. No one on the last rows of pew refused to move. OMG I was ready to walk out.
....He traumatized everyone. Fave sis is now taking her anxiety pills before going to the nightly mass for dad. I'm stressing thinking he will spot me disrespecting the rites and will stop the sermon to chastise me. My aunties seem to hug me hard after every mass. I wonder if they worry that he would point me out.
Last night's mass, I came out with very bad vertigo. I think I'm allergic to the chapel. Maybe it's the candle burning during mass. I am sensitive to smoke. I just need to hang in there for another 5 days.
Are burning incense used during these masses? They do tend to make some people nauseous.
Are burning incense used during these masses? They do tend to make some people nauseous.
Is this a local custom to attend daily mass ahead of the funeral ?
I've always thought it too hard on the family to attend a rosary the night before and then get up the next day and do the funeral
I don't care much for the incense burned at funerals either
Perhaps as Send suggests you could stay home and rest
Take care
When L passed, he was a very strong and religious Catholic. He did not have a mass, and only one read for him until April, I think, this year. He passed in October. You see his daughter is not the least bit Catholic, or any other religion, that I can tell. And she was 2000 miles away for the planning for the January memorial. That was all handled by the twisteds. L's daughter was happy as long as she did not have to do anything for her dad. You know when mom passed L's daughter did not even attend? And that memorial was in a Lutheran church.
Book, just do what you can, no more. Oh, and on another note, I do not do well in Catholic churches either. As a kid a good friend of mine would take me to church with their family occasionally. Every single time I would literally pass out. Got quite ill, then lose stomach contents once I would be taken outside. Now, I wonder if that was caused by incense, candles or something else during the service.
After the funeral, there's another 9 nights of rosary - for the family only. When mom died, we discovered that we can substitute the 9 nights of rosary (held at home) to 9 nights of mass at the church/chapel. Rosary at home means we, the family, spend money every day to feed our guests. 9 nights of mass means we donate money to the church. We voted for the mass. Whew!!!
Boss needs to go off island for an emergency. I can hear in his voice the anger/frustration that he needs to go off island ASAP and there's no one to run the office on Saturday. He actually asked me Twice if I really have to attend the funeral!!! I told him that I'm off Friday and Tuesday. He asked me why I'm off tomorrow. I said it's the Viewing and Tuesday is the funeral. As for Saturday, it's the NINETH night (family seems to emphasize the NINE) of the rosary. We will feed our guests as a thank you for attending the mass in memory of our father.
I felt bad because my bosses went out of their way to accommodate me and my parents. So, I told my boss that I can come in on Saturday morning. It's 12:30am and I'm sleepy. Watch this, when I lie down on the bed, I'm going to be wide awake... Later.
Don't they give family leave on island for such things as death?
Glad you were able to get through everything, at least you knew what was coming this time. Wish I could hug you in person, I promise no wet kisses.
Many English churches which of course are often centuries old have a very distinctive musty smell which I am told is dry rot. I always thought it was the polish the church ladies used on the pews.
When my parents had passed, everything was pretty simple, viewing was just prior to the Catholic Mass. No gathering afterwards, no family in the area. Burial was out-of-state. No obituary, either. My parents were very private people.
I think part of it was the odor and part was the flickering from the candles... I am hyper-sensitive to flickering. Even those old florescent ceiling lights use to bother me. Thus, I tried to sit where I couldn't see one candle.
Book, hopefully the next few days will fly by for you. (((( ))))
Today was the Viewing at the funeral home. I sat on the front pew with the family. sigh.... Sitting up front, looking at dad lying in the coffin and listening to Aunty sing this touching song. Let's just say I was emotional. And it didn't help that the older brother that I can't stand - made fun of me and older sis for crying. I got so angry, I wanted to blast him. But I held it in. .. I told SIL that I will not sit in the front pew during the funeral mass. It's very disrespectful for me to not participate in the mass while sitting in the front pew.
I'm emotionally and physically drained. Showing emotions in public is terrible. My aunties and uncles have put a lot of money in helping us with the expenses. SIL won't tell us how much but ...
Family dynamics sucks!
I'm glad our funeral rituals are usually just a day or two of viewing/wake and the funeral itself, dragging things out so long has to be emotionally and physically exhausting.
I am not surprised elder brother made fun of you for crying, he's a nasty piece of work and your culture disrespects women.
Keep strong Book you are doing a fine job Dad would be proud of you.