This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
A few days after dad died, older sis said that dad must have been ready to die because his spirit didn't visit us. On Sunday night, older sis and I were talking in the Livingroom. Suddenly, this plastic container fell off the cabinet and rolled on the floor. We both paused and looked at the rolling container. I said, "let's ignore it " and continued our conversation.
Today, Monday, I was so tired, I went to take a nap at 12:30 pm. 2 hour nap. In the meantime, older sis and her hubby left to go to the store. Enroute, a cellphone alert pinged beside sis. Hubby told her to check her mobile. Then it pinged again. Sis knew it wasn't her mobile because it's on vibration. Her phone rang. When she answered it, I was on the other line..... it wasn't me on the other line because I was still sleeping. ...
It's now 1:30am I need to get up at 6:00am to get ready for the funeral. I refused to ride the limo hearse on mom's funeral. I and oldest sis will be riding the hearse.
I'm so glad I was able to only cry teeny tiny bit at the burial. Dad had the army guard of 2, the tap played and I was given the flag. Now I have 2 flags of dad's.
My younger brother left my car's hazard and full beam on for 5 hours. My car wouldn't start when it was time to drive to the cemetery. Everyone says no need to buy a new battery despite my insistence. The battery is from 3 years ago. I will find the time to stop at a mechanic shop and buy a new one. I've gone through 3 cars. I've learned as a single female how vulnerable it is when I'm stranded and can't reach family immediately. I tried repeatedly to explain how terrible it is when your car breaks down and can't reach family immediately. ... fave sis agreed with the others.... fave sis whose husband drops everything for her... SIL whose adult children does the same.... I can call and text everyone but I don't get immediate response.... So, I'd rather be safe than sorry.
I grew up with mindset, passed on to me by my mom, that you called no one except my dad in case of car trouble. I discovered that the rest of the world calls AAA and that they are very reliable.
Many years ago, when my son, who is now in his mid-30s was about 7 or 8, we were driving home from the day camp where I worked during the summers. I got rear-ended badly in my Ford Escort and it wouldn't start again. I was in Coney Island, a sort of disreputable place at the time and suddenly, there were lots of guys who wanted to tow my car to various places. (this was before cell phones).
The police came and asked if I wanted to be towed. I said I needed to call my insurance company and had them stay with my car (and my son) while I walked to a pay phone (remember pay phones?).
So I called my insurance company and got my agent, Brenda and told her what had happened. She told me she would call the company in the area that fixed cars. She gave me the number as well.
The police called a "reliable" tow company. (yes, he was sweaty). I got into the cab with my son and said "wait a minute".
I got out and called the repair place. I said, "i'm being towed by a totally disreputable guy who is going to try to rip me off for the tow. I need to tell him that you are a family member. Can you play along?" The guy on the other end said, " Barb, I'm your Uncle Bob". (yay!!)
I got into the cab and the tow guy, as I expected, tried to talk me into going to his boss' place of business. I ducked my head and and said, no, I can't do that, I have to go to the place I told you. He demanded to know why. I said, "um, he's my father's gumba, he's my uncle Bob; my maiden name is (fill in my actual Italian maiden name).
So, this guy, putting two and two together, the Italian last name, the gumba thing (which is Italian for compadre, and can be a Mafia kind of thing, not that my family is or was) totally freaks out. He's towing a Mafia princess, in his mind.
He treats me like cut glass for the rest of the trip. When I notice that his odometer isn't working, he actually stops and gets a fuse to make it go again.
So we get to "uncle Bob's" repair shop and the tow guy takes off his hat and all but bows to the owner (who of course I've NEVER met before, but we play it up big.
My son still refers to this as "the time Mom was a Mafia Princesss"
the sellers of car batteries have a machine that they can check if your battery needs replacing. So don't buy a new one if yours is still good. What your brother did leaving the lights on for five hours was enough to run any battery flat so have it checked before you spend the money. You can also buy rechargeable battery chargers that you keep in the car and if it won't start you jump it with that. Most actually plug into the cigarette lighter So you don't even need to clip it on to the battery. The tow company can even try that before towing the car. Your brothers should have known how to get the car started. Even I can do that and change a wheel if I have to. My usual calls are to be pulled out of the snow. Even that I used to do myself when we owned a big enough tractor.
My battery is good even after the 3 yr. battery life. If it started to give me any trouble, (two calls because it died) I would replace it with a ten-year interstate battery because it is a used car, over 10 years old. Here is what I found online:
"The life expectancy for your car battery is typically between four to six years. Several factors determine how long your battery will last, for example weather conditions, vehicle type and driving habits. There are, however, several key pointers you can utilise to help increase the life expectancy of your car battery."
It is entirely up to you and your comfort level if you get a new battery now. Especially if it only had a 3-yr. warranty. Family may be prejudiced in that they wouldn't want bro blamed for killing your battery. Something has always gone wrong with my car if I allow someone else to drive it. One time it was my fault that someone got 3 speeding tickets while this couple borrowed my car, Lol! My sis said her kids hated the leather seats, that they were uncomfortable! omg. Jealous much? My brother said: "In Italy, those cars are used as taxi-cabs" as a put-down. Forty years later, when he has money-he is driving one-a TAXICAB, I reminded him. Funny to me....No, I take that back...hilarious! Yes?
How are you doing, Book? Are all the memorial services and wakes complete? You still have siblings visiting? Just thinking about you... 💛
At the Veterans Cemetary under the tent, oldest sister and I were standing in front of our chairs facing the coffin. Uncle comes behind me and uses his big beer belly to bump me forward. I looked behind me and it's uncle. There's an empty chair on my right. Then he belly bumps me again and I stumble forward again. I finally got mad, turned slightly and purposely bumped him backwards. Uncle lost his balance and almost fell down. I was so angry. He immediately sat on MY seat- without a word to me. I was forced to sit on the empty seat. Then 'nina' sat on my right..... anyway, for someone who insisted on standing beside me during the military taps, this 'nina' once again did Not leave any bereavement money in the box at all. All I'm saying is - she keeps on and on about being my nina but actions speak louder than words... I Know they gave bereavement money directly to my brother. BUT they could have given a TOKEN amount into the box.
Hope you get some time to decompress. It's not over just cuz it's over. New feelings will keep rolling in. Take it one hour at a time.
You are a loving, caring daughter. Wishing you peace. And good sleep!
This afternoon at work, I just started crying silently for no reason.
The next morning, baby bro kept bugging me about it. He's so worried that when everyone leaves, that's when oldest bro, the executer/administrator will do something sneaky. I snapped and told baby bro off. Everyone's so concerned about the Will, so Say Something to bro, not me. I did my part. U all need to pressure them, not me.
I must have hurt his feelings. He turned and walked away. I gave him a few minutes to handle his feelings. In the livingroom, I told baby bro that I have always appreciated what he did for me. When he bought me a ticket to Colorado, when he used his mileage reward for my ticket to visit him. That all these past 20-some years, he made it possible for me to leave the island. My voice shook with emotion. That I appreciated older sis because when she came here for a month visits, she took over the caregiving and I was able to sleep in my bedroom. So, when dad was dying, I didn't mind buying their tickets. No one else helped me get breaks from the work/home daily, decades of caregiving like they did for me. His eyes were getting watery.
I then told him about the time I became seriously suicidal. How I woke up one morning and realized I was in a prison. I looked away from brother. It's still a very painful memory. My eyes watered thinking about it. I told him I had everything planned- down to the day, the hotel to do it (so that they can find my body and u all won't worry about where I disappeared). I sought therapy via the hotline and was provided some free sessions. How the 1st therapist wanted me to reach out to my 7 siblings and ask for help because I might end up in the hospital (nervous breakdown, attempted suicide) or die. I texted and emailed everyone. On my next therapy, he asked me the results. I looked up at bro and told him that no one , not even fave sis, responded. Bro eyes were filled with tears as he silently stood there and listened......
I'm tired. I don't want to go through that memory lane. It just brings up the negative emotions. It's over.
My FIL just came back to our house on Hospice. It seems that we are right where you were with your Dad, and couple of weeks ago. It's so hard, and I'm exhausted and it's only been 6 hours! We will get through this. I so related to you regarding the Catholic services. Ours do not go on days and days like yours did, but they are pretty draining.
Regarding the big "reading of the will", my BIL'S wife (at the time, now divorced from her and he has a new wife, his 9th I think), well she was heard inquiring about my MIL'S will on the day of the funeral and the wake was in our backyard. It was like she thought hubby's parents were the Caringtons (a rich fictional TV family) or something! It was so rude! There was no way we were going to deal with that, especially after all the work we did putting on a nice Memorial for their Mom!
People can be so intensive in these situations! Of course everything my MIL had/owned, was going to her husband, my FIL, so I have no idea what she was thinking, and she had never even met my MIL! Only her rings, which went to her daughter. I think that was what she was after, AS IF!!!
I hope you are feeling better about things, and get to enjoy your visiting family! I'm off to have bite to eat, then I'm back on caregivng duty! I pray we get some sleep tonight. There is quite a learning curve to Hospice care.
Love and hugs Sweetie! You take care! ❤