This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
It may take some time for your body to adjust to not carrying that heavy sack, as Veronica says, so be gentle with yourself
So sorry to hear about FIL
I would like to offer my condolences to you for the passing of your father.
I'm so sorry to hear about this. You have given so much of yourself to both your parent's caregiving, and
you did it in a very loving and unselfish way. We are here to support you as you enter a new phase in your life.
I know you will miss your dad, and there will be some adjustments for you. But never question whether you did the right thing, a good job or any of that, because you did, my friend!!
May your father's spirit soar very high!
I will keep you and your father in my mediations.
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Anyway, my off-island siblings have been talking about me and oldest sis... without us being there while discussing us. Based on the past few weeks observations, and being not emotionally tied here, most of them arrived with a conclusion. I'm very naive and trusting. And they will be leaving here soon. They felt obligated to warn me about oldest sis.
For the old timers, remember how I used to come here and Swear that sis was being passive-aggressive? My 2 sisters warned me that they think oldest sis is worse than oldest-bro-of-next-door. They warned me to watch my back. To hide anything of value when I'm not home.
Older sis said that oldest sis is sneaky. She's pretending to be mentally unstable. I knew she wasn't that mentally unstable. But All of my siblings insisted she was. She is sooooo very passive/aggressive with me. When people are around, she starts cleaning. Oh how sis cleans all the time, she's a hard worker, etc... that was when they first arrived. Sis doesn't clean like that. You've all read when I came here complaining about her. Ha!
Oldest sis refused to be any part of decision making when it came to dad or the house. She didn't pay any of the utility's. She has to wait for me to come home after 6:30om, to say the washing machine or the air con is broken. Did she tell brother of next door? No.... so now, she quickly signed the funeral papers, was going to receive dad's flag when SIL said I should receive it because I spent 25 years taking care of both parents, while oldest sis came 4 years ago. Even then, she didn't do pampers... my off-island sisters told me to watch my back and hide my valuables... 3:30 am... and I'm still not sleepy...
This palm tree on the beach is for you.
You may think it is an island photo, however,
it is a beach photo of Southbeach, FLORIDA.
On the mainland.
When all those who have made offers to visit or live with them (your neice?) on the mainland, you go.
Now, pack a bag, and be brave, don't delay, don't hesitate.
Pack and look forward to your new life.
In the meantime, I've decided to bring my accordion folder with all of mom's and dad's documents from the living room to my bedroom. Dad's Will is in it. I will be locking my bedroom. I have both keys to my room....
Sis was looking for mom's Spanish cross. She stood so close to SIL while she mistakenly went through My drawers in the living room. I told SIL that she's going through my drawers not dad's. Oldest sis reached in and grabbed something inside. Fave sis eyes widened and looked at me. I don't know what she took because she was between me and my drawer. I shook my head to fave and said leave it alone.... Years ago, before oldest sis moved in, dad gave me mom's cross necklace. It's old. I was going to refuse the cross because I'm not Catholic but dad wanted me to have it. Oldest sis wants it. Too bad. I used to keep it in the living room drawer for years. I moved it when I felt 'compelled' to move it elsewhere. Now I know why the compulsion....
Now, Just how many kids are there in your family anyhow, and what number are you (I'm #5 of 6, but I'm not talking about my family, just hubby's)? And Is it your Eldest brother who lives next door, and Oldest sister who lives with you at Dads, the one who wants your Mother's cross, that now belongs to you? Oh Gheez, sounds like some jealousy, and worries over who gets what, or more than this one or the other, pure silliness, then add in Mental ilness, and it's craziness! We're dealing with some of that too!
My husband's siblings who neither have seen their Dad in many years, and in the 13 years we've had him with us, hubby's brother (a Sociopathic Con Man) saw him 2 times, and the sister (about bipolar alcoholic) about 4 time total.
My husband has one brother 11 months older, and a 1/2 sister, 4 years older (not her bio Dad), hubby's brother has been telling him stories (over the phone as they both live 1200-1600 miles away) that the sister "stole" a large diamond ring off ofor my MIL's hand at the funeral home, back when my MIL died 14 years ago. I know that this is not true, plus I know it wasn't a real diamond ring anyways, but a cubic zirconia ring, because I was the one who took her rings off of her hands just after she died in hospital, alongside the Nurses, and she had told me she wanted to be buried in her QVC Diamonique ring, not her real diamond ring, as her 4 nice rings were earmarked, one for her daughter, one for me, one my daughter, and one for her eldest Grandson's wife (my DIL), whom she loved. And they are yet to be given out, but will be once my FIL passes away and are in the bank vault.
Another crazy story my BIL told my husband was that their sister told him that his Mother did not want him to come to her deathbed, because she was afraid he would physically harm her. WTH?, again I know she would never had said that, because I was extremely close to my MIL, and again I was here and involved in my inlaws lives, whereas both BIL & SIL lived hundreds of miles away and we're Not involved in their parents lives very much. It just wasn't something she would have everthought, let alone said!
All this going on at a time where my FIL is gravely ill, and on Hospice, and back in my home (day 3) again. It's so unnecessary, and intended to cause strife stress and drama to my husband, where None is wanted!
It makes it very difficult to even want to allow them in my home, even if they should wish to see him, but I cannot in good conscious deny them from visiting their Dad, but I can put limitations on the amount of time the do stay to visit, and I will, as he is in no shape for extended visitors, 1/2 hour is about as long as he can manage, and there is no way I am allowing any BS in my home while he is so very sick and tired.
Oh gheez, this is the Last thing I ever thought I would be dealing with right now! And he's still alive! They can take their Crapolla somewhere else! Not in my house!
In all actuality, neither will even show up, so I am not going to worry about it!
Today, Hubby's sister said that the brother asked to borrow 500 dollars gas money from her to drive from Arizona state to Seattle, where we are. So just our luck, he would arrive broke, with no money to get a motel, food money or gas money to get back home! No thank you! I'm not bailing out a 62 year old deadbeat son!
Besides these family hiccups, I hope things are settling down for you!
Besides this stupid drama here, which I will soon pull the plug on myself if they don't stop it, my FIL is doing as well as can be expected. He has very little appetite, and is sleeping a lot. But he is cheerful and being sweet to me and very appreciative of all We are doing for him. It's all very sad, and I pray he does not suffer.
Now You Take Care!
I asked where were they when dad became bedridden. No one stepped up to help me. I was by myself with 2 bedridden parents and a full time job. Where was bro from next door? NO ONE stepped up. So I asked oldest sis to help. The money was incentive.
"Oh no, oldest sis needed a place to stay. She shouldn't be paid to live in his house, etc...." OMG!!!! They have never ever been caregiving 24/7 to realize.... But then...{ sis was paid to do nothing much. I did most of the work.} .. They will never understand how necessary it is to get paid when caregiving- especially when you think you have nowhere to go.
My siblings in the states make over $22/hr. I don't even make half of that. Oh, K, now you can do your dreams to travel. Sigh..... and more sighs.....
Anyway, I went to the bank to withdraw the money. The teller left and went to the back area. When she returned, she offered her condolences and tactfully asked if I have dad's death certificate. I said no. But I can bring it in tomorrow. She said it's no hurry...
After a pause, I said that I haven't looked at the death certificate because I know that I will start crying if I do. As I said this, tears were welling in my eyes. Fortunately, the tears waited until I was in the car. Strange to drive and feel the tears just rolling down my cheeks. As I was driving with tears falling, I recalled older Sis's words yesterday. She said that when everyone's gone, when I'm finally alone, Dad's death will hit me.
Today, I realized that my Sundays are free. I was trying to plan my day tomorrow and squeeze it all into my 3:00pm curfew. It suddenly hit me that ... I don't have a curfew anymore on Saturdays...I have Sundays free. I'm no longer chained to the house. I think I haven't had a free Sunday in over 15 years... I'm still trying to reconcile this. It seems so simple. But it's not... I kept thinking to myself today, "I have Sundays free..."
Remember it is very ok to just stay home and do nothing.
And you want to think and talk about dad, others do not. You had the closest connection to dad and did the most for him, Book. I think that is normal. Others may not be ready to talk about him. Maybe find grief support for yourself. Maybe there is a group through a nearby church that you can attend.
Just feeling sad for myself and sad or mad at him... so much for the future :-/
After caring for my mom and dad and mom in a home I thought we could do things , but he is just too weak ..
There was a very devoted son at mom's memory care and when she passed he said he didn't know what to do with himself - don't feel that you need to fill all the space immediately - sometimes all I want is to do nothing on Sunday
Rest and eat well
Doing the Will, going through probate is going to be Very Expensive. Just the court cost is $5000. The lawyer's fees are based on a percentage of the house/land value. Based on Dad's landtax, the property is $380,000. The lawyer said that the heirs are responsible for these costs. He hopes dad has money to cover it... He doesn't.... Dad told me that his life insurance is only $20,000. He had to retire way too early in order to take care of dementia mom. He took a drastic pay cut. And we don't know who is the beneficiary. What a mess....
Dad has told everyone that this house and land will go to the 2 boys who lives in the states. He told me that if I wanted land, then I better marry a man with land. At the lawyer's office, the lawyer said the Will is a copy. Do we have the original? No. The lawyer's business that set it up is no longer in business. Year 1998. It has the court's stamp. So they will look for it there. He asked if dad ever talked about the Will. Oldest sis said that Dad told her that everyone is going to be surprised about the Will... It seems Dad changed his mind and added my name with my 2 brothers... I was about 32 years old when he did this... ohhhh ... {{{{{ head thunking on an imaginary desk }}}}} ... I have 2 brothers who earns over $22/hr and they are flat broke and don't know the meaning of saving money for an emergency. I make less than half their paycheck and any loan I try to pay for these lawyer fees won't even get me a $10k loan. Sigh... well... we might end up losing the property in lieu of paying the lawyer's fees (percentage base of property value.)
If the land has to be sold and you truly are named in the Will then you may end up with a nice little nest egg that enables you to find a new place of your own away from big brother, it could be a Good Thing.
Instead, I need to google more on colonoscopy- how to prepare for it, eat, drink.... I also learned that my throat will be sore from the endoscopy, starving crazy after the colonoscopy, etc... Since I get headaches daily, I found that I need to avoid painkillers that have aspirin.... 2:00 am and I'm going to try to sleep now...
Because I have swallowing difficulties. She instructed me to eat a low residue diet for five days and take the prep on two consecutive nights so it was only half a gallon each night which I got down easily. Everyone says the liquid is disgusting but to me it just had a slight citrus flavor and went down fairly easily. I just sat on the toilet the whole time I was drinking the fluid which is about a couple of hours and just let the diarrhea flow. They can also give you pills but there are about 20 and I knew I'd never get them down.
I did not get a sore throat from the endoscopy but thats not to say you won't. I did get something to eat and drink when it was over but was not incredibly hungry. You will proably get a lot of gas but don't worry everyone else in recovery will have it too. The Dr should show you some pictures while you are in recovery and tell you what if anything they found, Don't take Aspirin, adville or Aleve for three days before. Tylenol is OK. You are usually instructed to take morning meds with a sip of water. Personally I take mine with me and take them in recovery.
Book don't worry about the estate. Big brother is the Executer so let him handle it all. As you say you won't miss what you never had. Anyway the house and land can be sold and that money can pay the bills.
Sleep well my friend.
On the other hand, there was a new nurse (working 6 months now). Very friendly. All the other nurses didn't care that for hours we saw in the open his bloody and body secretions from his right hand. I can't stand the sight of blood...
Finally, I couldn't take it. That evening, her shift, I got up and whispered to her. I told her that every time I tried to look at dad's face, my eyes kept going to the bloody mess. No matter how much I try, my eyes keep going to that bloody mess. Can you please change the lining? She left the room, came back with a new liner and changed it... after that, she made sure to clean dad's face from the blood (internal bleeding), changed then covered from our sight his slow bleeding right hand.
Memories.... popping up...