This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Instead of trying to drink all that water each day, drink a small (like 3 or 4 ounce) glass of water each time you pee. See if that helps.
With g.e.r.d. , drinking large amounts of water can be tricky. I was chug-a-lugging a full 8 oz. at a time, trying to meet the daily quota when g.e.r.d. then became worse.
So Barb is correct, to drink smaller amounts at a time if that works for you.
In the bathroom next to my bedroom. The toilet's flush arm just broke. I fixed it the last time, AFTER, I told her not to call a plumber. I just have to go to Home Depot to get the replacement part. But she isn't satisfied.
She wouldn't be like this with my younger, able-bodied, Ph.D., married brother.
I just had to get that out.
P.S. On the water topic, I calculated(by the formula provided here), that I would have to drink 17 cups/day.
When my mom died, my boss said he will see me tomorrow at the funeral. They never came.
When my dad passed away, I knew they wouldn't come. They didn't. How do I feel about this? Disappointed. A bit hurt. Grateful they didn't come because working for them in over 20 years, we have made an effort to never sit on the same table when attending business functions. We have always kept our business and personal lives separately.
Anyway, on Wednesday, boss' wife calls and says she's going to be in late because she's.....{pause}.... going to a funeral...... The boss comes in, sits at his desk and tells me that wife is coming in late because she's.... {pauses} ... has something to do.
Awkward!! Not for me but for them. All of my family went back to work and received condolences cards with money. I got nothing. How do I feel about that? Sigh... it didn't help my case when my longtime client came in with a special thank you gift for coming to her mother's funeral. I reap what I sow. I couldn't go to the boss's wife's father's funeral but I can go to a client's? Karma.
I just mentioned this because I wonder how long they will be awkward about Saying they are going to other people's funerals yet they didn't come to their longtime employee's funeral. ... Guess what, she doesn't know it - but I think we're distantly related. Her uncle is also my uncle. He even gave me a funny look when he came to our office. I look familiar to him and he can't recall why. I recognized him immediately from when I was young and used to attend funerals, rosaries, weddings with my mom. I hoped really hard that he wouldn't recall my face. Ugh! Awkward if she finds out that we're related! Like I said... this is a small island!
Bookluvr, I would need to drink 21 glasses of water. No way that would happen. I can barely finish off one 16oz bottle of Deer Park.
We all do what we can do, some of us do funerals better than others, I am definitely not one of those people. That is ok. I am ok, because of my own losses, they are just very difficult for me. Remember, I even thought and talked about not attending mom's.
I really do not think when it comes to funerals people develop an attitude that she did not attend mine, so I will not attend yours. At least I hope not.
Two of my mother's (former)Masters students' both died from AIDS. While I didn't see them daily like my maternal grandfather. I did see their respective steady decline. Being cremated was their choice.
That is the key, 'choice'. My previous point about my mother not calling the plumber. Was affecting 'her choice'. But the 'choice' was not life-altering. EOL issues are affected by 'choice' and life-altering. That is why people have(or should have) a Will.
I can't do anything right. In her eyes'.
Older sis has always had the 6th sense. Hers usually have to do with dead people's spirits visiting her and alerting her that they've died by odd events - like a loud bang against her wall, or the TV turning on/off, etc... Lastnight, she actually called me. She Rarely calls me in her morning time - especially if it's a work day. She called and the first thing she asked me was - how are you doing? Are you okay? I'm concerned.... I told her that everything's fine but I don't think she believed it. She kept coming back to how we're doing and that she's really concerned.
I've decided to take a course on happiness since I don't know what that is. I grew up from a very dysfunctional childhood where I grew up thinking that it was 'normal' to live constantly in fear, anger, etc... All negative emotions. So, I wanted to learn about happiness.
Today, I took the test on my happiness level.... My results - depression. IF I had scored under 'Unhappy', I would have gotten the recommendation that this course can help me.... Instead for my score level, their recommendation is: "you should consider some professional help (e.g., seeing a therapist.)"
Sigh... No, I will not seek therapy. Been there twice and I've learned that I need to be motivated to do things. I'm a procrastinator and I tend to start projects and never seem to finish it. Same as therapy. I'm actually bordering as a hoarder (with lots of unfinished projects that I refuse to throw because one day I will have the desire to complete the project.) Hmmmm. Maybe I need to first find a course on how to stop being a procrastinator. Okay, I'll research it later. =)
So, with that aside, and not growing up with hugs, encouragements - this course is perfect for me to learn about happiness and how to achieve it. I totally agree with you about still taking the course.
I'm tired.
Please feel free to vent. We all know what you're going through in one way or another. I really soooo feel for you. {{{{HUGS}}}}
Dad is in denial about turning 87 soon, I can't seem to get it through his head that he's not getting stronger. Just an hour ago, he dropped the mail and almost fell trying to pick it up. Yelled at me when I tried to help. I am going insane , I feel isolated. No friends want to be around me anymore,i must be a real drag,lol.
So I found this site, and now I know I'm not alone in this struggle. Its been helpful....so has Moscato,lol!
When I first found this site, I read everything that I could - even on subjects that had nothing to do with bedridden parents. I read threads about "how can I get my parent to drink more water" or... about their personality changing.... or how vindictive/abusive the parent is towards the main caregiver but very very nice to everyone else... or having problems with bowel movements... Trust me! You will be soooo glad that you've read about it months/years ago.
When my mom was violent and was sundowning (walking all over the place, getting lost), my SIL (sis-in-law) told me and fave sis that we should lock mom up in her bedroom. Sis blew up and they had an argument. Who was SIL to tell us to lock up mom! .. Years later, I found out from this site, that it is illegal to do that. What if there's a fire? Mom would not have been able to get out/escape.... Anyway, Dad's solution was to just put several extra sliding locks on all the exit doors. Mom didn't know how to unlock those.
After some serious thinking... the lawyer did tell oldest bro that as named administrator of the Will, the heirs should be paying him. But it's up to him to waive the fees. Sooooo... I've decided that I cannot pay bro any fees as administrator... {grumbling...that HE was suppose to be taking care of mom/dad when they were alive - he admitted this to me when mom died...} I told SIL that I would like to keep one bed. They can choose whichever bed they want. They get first dibs. She chose the manual. I asked if she's sure. She's sure. {Thank Goodness! Because if I had asked bro, he would have chosen the electrical one!}
The lawyer said straight out that the heirs will pay all costs. Thanks, Cwillie. I will need to keep reminding myself not to put any money for the probate costs. I keep forgetting. I think I need to put a post-it note on my bedroom mirror reminding me of this. Estate pays, not me. Thank you!