This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Many folks glady accept the role of executor (or persuade a parent to choose him/her), thinking it's their big chance to be in charge and boss around the other heirs. That's certainly possible, if the executor is selfish and disrespectful.
But being executor is, ultimately, a role of extreme fiscal responsibility. This sometimes comes as a rude awakening to the ad-hoc dictator.
Other than that the play was fine sayeth Ms Lincoln.
Same to you, dbrooks. Stick around and post and vent as needed. Some caregiving situations aren't readily "fixable" and that's probably when we need support the most, when there's no end in sight.
Wanted to say welcome as I haven't seen either or you post on Aging Care before. I hope you stick around and get the support and understanding you need.
dbrooks - fatigue seems to be a way of life with caregiving. Be sure to build in something for you, somehow. It sounds like you have too much on your shoulders. Could either dad go into a facility?
fisherman - great that you have not lost your sense of humour. Booth aside, I hope you get some breaks during the day/week.
Pam, I say the same thing as your husband does. I must let things go every hour because it isn't worth the fight. I have probably become the most passive person in the northern hemisphere. Sigh.
So if he finds comfort in martini before dinner it probably stimulates his appetite so be thankful he is actually eating and hopefully getting protein into his tired old body.
Hard for you to watch and endure but he is a big boy and making his own decisions is his right even if they are poor choices.
My FIL had numerous heart related problems and was supposed to eat a fat free diet, but every morning he had a fried breakfast of eggs, bacon and sausages. When challenged he said that at his age, almost 90 he had the right to treat his own body the way he pleased and he enjoys his fried breakfast
Fisherman, I don't even know how one can respond to your wife's new information about her parents. That's a first. A very unusual conclusion. Was your wife's former occupation a writer? I guess just vent here of your frustrations.
Fave sis invited me to the afternoon BBQ and said I can spend the night. I was startled. I completely forgot that I can spend the nights away from home! I was so excited. Until I immediately remembered her house has spirits. They watch me when I walk the narrow hallway to the bathroom. At nights, they're also in the bathroom. The bedrooms don't like it when I enter it alone. It's fine as long as one of my sis and her kids are in the same room with me. I realized that I will be sleeping in the spare bedroom all..by...myself! I'm bringing my big night lamp (no dinky light), flashlight and lantern.... and a part of me, most of it, tells me Not to spend the night.... I spoke to oldest sis who sees spirits. I told her of my senses when I'm at sis house. Oldest sis shuddered and mumbled, "I wouldn't." ... The spirit might follow me home. It's happened before. Several times...
Just because your parent "wants" to go doesn't make it a good idea.
If a Genie was to grant you 3 wishes, what would you wish for? I pondered that question. My answers are financial security, good health and to be satisfied with my life..... On their survey, it was money, fame/success and relationship.
After comparing my wishes vs the survey, it made me wonder: Does our caregiving experience affected our wishes?
You know my grown up niece from Colorado visited last year. I gave her my bedroom to sleep in since I slept in the Livingroom with bedridden dad. One night, after she used the restroom, my bedroom door was locked. Yet, when I turned the knob, it opened. Niece had this shocked look on her face. I walked into my bedroom and told the spirits that she's not moving into my bedroom. She's just visiting, Visiting. That she will be leaving soon. So leave her alone. After that, she was never locked out again.... later, her mom told me that her daughter said that if she ever visit us again, she's going to stay in a hotel.
Anyway, after that, same niece visited that haunted hotel that was used in the scary movie 'Shining'. I was curious and asked if she felt the spirits there. She said no. She definitely felt the spirits here on island but nothing at that hotel.
On another subject, my dad's brother still has his mind but is having mobility problems. His wife was visiting her daughter (Uncle's stepdaughter) when she had problems with her dialysis. Anyway, daughter-from-mainland and her mom (Uncle's wife) arrived and checked into a hotel. She didn't even call her stepfather to tell him that they're here on island.... well, I heard she started cleaning out her stepfather's living area. He told my brother that she threw away his 3 Hawaiian print shirts hanging by the door, threw away a lot of his stuff. They even moved the TV mounted on the wall and it's now facing upwards with the ceiling watching the TV. I was getting so upset. They're from off island and treat him like that - without any respect for him, his home, his belongings. While bro and SIL went on about his being disrespected, I tried very hard not to say, 'before you throw rocks to others, check yourself first.'
My dad had a stroke, bedridden (refused to do therapy because 'it hurts'), and used Depends (refused to leave the bed). One day, he could no longer pee. So, the home care nurse came over, along with the doctor, and got dad onto a catheter... I still remember the horror of both the nurse and the doctor when I asked how do we empty the bag? Do I disconnect from here and empty the bag in the toilet? No! No! Take a container and let the urine out of the bag. How? Where? ..... Anyway, months go by, and dad decides he no longer needs the catheter. He INSISTED they take it off. The nurse tried to explain to him that he needs the catheter because he cannot pee. He insisted - off! So, the nurse did. Hours later, I'm changing dad's pamper. His lower stomach is hard! Not soft. I didn't know why. Then an hour later, he's writhing in pain. He needs to pee but can't. I call the 24/7 number. The clinic is closed and the nurse cannot get the catheter supply. Dad will need to wait until morning. Let's just say.. my dad learned the hard way that he cannot take off the catheter....
If you do decide to do decide on the facility, bring some of your dad's favorite things (blanket, etc..).