This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Going out now to pick up hubs, he was late today so taking his bike was out, it was also very hot, and he dressed for work.
Do you have an outside employment to get you out of the house more?
Glad that was a miss!
My Sil and I were at a Las Vegas show, were seated at the stage edge. I asked to move my seat. Out comes John Davidson? and pulls Sil up on the stage...gives her a tongue in mouth kiss, made her dance on stage. I was so very glad that was a miss too!
Chris,
My husband rides with a group of people now, so I don't mind he goes. It is safer.
Getting out can save your sanity. He empties the trash before he goes, and before I get up.
I came home. Oldest sis doesn’t work, doesn’t pay any bills. She’s a heavy smoker. She’s always on the front porch smoking. Our front porch is bigger than my work’s office. I came home and saw all those mango leaves everywhere. I was really exhausted but I felt compelled to sweep it out. As I slowly swept the floor and dumped the leaves out, sis came out. In my head, I was getting mad at her that because she doesn’t contribute financially to the bills, the least she can do is keep the house clean. Why do I have to clean the mold outside the refrigerator? Or sweep the porch? Or clean the shower and bathroom floor and toilet? .. I need to clean inside the fridge. I’m never fresh enough to tackle that. I will need strength which I rarely had for years.
I know what I need. Just like when mom passed away, I took a week off and flew to Hawaii. The whole time I was there, I was too exhausted to do anything. I think I spent the majority of time in bed, resting. Every time sis and I tried walking, I got exhausted immediately. We had to go back to the hotel.... Too bad I used up all my vacation leave. I could have booked a hotel room in the middle of tourist area for a week here on this island. I could get the local discount rate.... too bad...
I feel you have earned a break today!
Sendhelp-That is so true about sanity and biking. I had to get out on my bike today, for my sanity.
Anyway, I was telling her that the doctor Rx a strong cough medicine with codeine... She said that’s wonderful... I said that I was about to take it lastnight but read the leaflets included with the Rx. It warned several times that one of the side effects is that it can stop you from breathing. Several times it warned about that.
Sis asked me, “Are you afraid of dying?”
I replied indignantly, “I’m not afraid of dying! It’s just that ... I’ve spent over 23 years taking care of mom and dad. Now that .... they’re both no longer here, I think it would suck that now that I’m finally Free, I would die!! I have plans! I want to travel. I have a goal to travel next year!”
Sis... oh, yeah.. that’s true.
Most women go through menopause. I think I bypassed it very briefly. My SIL said it took her years to finally stop having the symptoms. I’m a bit over 50 and still waiting for it. Fave sis is going through it. She’s 2 years younger than me and she’s hating it. She is such a grouch now! And she lately has been saying hurtful words. I no longer really want to hang around with her. I just keep reminding myself that she’s going through meno. She was there for me all these years, I can certainly be there in her grouchy stage.
Thanks, Cwillie.
I tried Sudafed back in the 1970's and after 3 days I couldn't stop crying, weird side effect. So the doctor said don't take any sinus pills from the "fed" family of pills. The only allergy relief pills I found successful is "chlorpheniramine maleate" which comes n 4mg. Sold in most drug stores under the store brandname and is very inexpensive. But it does make me very sleepy.
Medicine are tough for those of us who are pill sensitive. We may not be sensitive to the medicine itself but the fillers used by the manufacture to make the pill large enough for one to pick up.... or sensitive to the bonding used to glue the pill together.... or sensitive to the coating used to make the pill easier to swallow.
For myself, I found Mylan manufacturing I had the least side effects.
I don't know if I have ever taken morphine before but my last couple of ER visits i was given some and it made very nauseated. Our hospital usually uses Fentynal for painful proceedure so now that is banned I have no idea what they will use.
I have a sister who is allergic to most Rx Drugs, but thankfully Codeine isn't one of them. It must be terrible to be potentially allergic to pain meds as we all need them at some point, especially our age!
It seems like we all have had episodes of injuring ourselves, needing surgery, or like for dental or chest pain, and it would be awful to need pain meds and not be able to take them! .
I'm still having problems with stress/chest symptoms, and I'm seeing a Cardiologist for it. So far I've had a 48 hours monitor, and I'm scheduled for a stress echocardiogram. But what I really think it is is plain Posts Caregiving Stress, which affects my chest wall and diaphram. My diaphram is really hurting like it's strained or something. It affects my breathing too, it Sucks! I hope they can figure it out soon!
I hope you are feeling better soon too! Guiafenisin is good for cough, if you can take it! Take care! Cool your Boss thinks enough of you to pay you anyway!
This was just the thought that went through my head when I read your post, nothing more, definitely not a criticism of you. :-) Caregiving snares some of us in a mental way, and while you may never find your way clear of doing the physical or financial things that you feel need doing, you can be very clear with yourself that this is your choice. And you're a darn good person for doing these things for your family. :-)
tg - good to have sil out of the house. Is dd still proceeding with the house purchase? I agree with what ali said - you don't have to do any of that. You can choose to but you don't have to. If you were hit by a bus tomorrow they would find a way.
alii - very well put. "I've found that for myself, personally, when I would own my choices, it made things more clear as to what my choices were, exactly. I would still choose to do the things that were easiest and best, the choices to take care of others and do things myself, but it helped to affirm often that I did have a choice, and I better understood the role I played in the bigger picture." Yes!!!
His latest issue is his back, complains of pain from his accident 50 years ago. He cant stand for long periods of time, yet he will go to his club and cook all day (so he says). My wife advised him "why dont you get people to help?" Now he is going to see a surgeon about his back and have surgery. How about you stop eating out all the time, exercise and lose some weight? His clothes dont fit, his belly is popping his shirt buttons. his weight is the issue, not his back although one effects the other. Now if he has surgery we will have to be the nurse again, nope! He can go to his daughters to have it. I suffered through one, not doing that again.....
I have been trying to be the nicer son and talk to him but nothing changes. Wife keeps telling me we should sell and move into a one bedroom condo...... There are days!
Also. Do you think your wife is joking, too? I wouldn't be too sure about that. There's many a true word spoken in jest, and you don't want to wake up one day and discover she's moved herself into a nice little one-person apartment somewhere because she got tired of waiting for you to listen.
My brother got married. Both of them don't know the meaning of monogamy. Both get hurts when the other fools around. But.. they still got married. When she finally found a better man (more money and willing to spoil her), she walked out of my brother and their 4 kids. My brother kept hinting to us how so expensive it will cost to get a divorce. He claimed thousands of dollars. None of us offered. He made the decision to marry. He can just as well find the money for the divorce. (She ended up paying for it because she wanted to marry her new man.)
Today, I needed to buy a 20lb bag of rice. I struggled to get it up into the cart, then out of the cart into the trunk and then from the trunk up the porch stairs and into the house - all using mainly my right arm. I used my left hand as little as possible. Even just using my right hand, I felt it pulling my pulled muscle, causing pain on my left side. But I did it!
Now if I can just talk for over 3 minutes without getting into a coughing fit. My bosses will be going off island at the end of this week. I will be by myself manning the phones. I sooo dread this because the cough medicine doesn't work if I talk too much. I was talking to oldest sis today telling her a story. Not even 5 minutes, I started struggling to breathe, panting, coughing. I swear it feels like I'm asthmatic. (Not that I know what an asthmatic person does...only what I see on TV.) I have weaned myself off the cough medicine this weekend. But I will have to take it tomorrow - every work day morning. Can't afford to break into uncontrollable coughing. Not very professional. Other than that, I think I'm getting better. {knocking on wood. Let's not jinx it.}