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Book definitely go back to the Dr. There is the possibility that you may have Whooping cough if this has gone on for so long. my hubby had it earlier in the year and was quite ill and the cough lasted many weeks.
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What a weekend...... daughter finally gave her husband to kick to the curb. After long discussions the light finally went on. She packed up all his stuff and put it in the garage. She called his family to come pick him up. He came home, sat him down and told him. I was very proud of her that she kept it respectful and dignified and didn't make it a Jerry Springer show. He took it like a man. His family picked him up (He called them, we had them stage down the street before hand). I stood close by to her if she needed us. It was not easy but the best for all. Earlier in the day she and I cleaned his car out (the one that broke down a couple weeks ago). We filled a 45 gallon trashcan 1/3rd of the way with booze bottles that were under the drivers seat and everywhere in the car.... He drank so much every day I dont know how he was standing up. A true alcoholic, drinking nips and pocket bottles, drinking warm vodka mixed into his non alcoholic beer or replacing water in bottles with vodka (so we would see him only drinking that). Hopefully his family will now take care of him.
I asked my father not to tell anyone about this until our daughter is ready. he immediately goes into I mode, "I know the guy who started AA"... how can anyone be so self centered when his granddaughter is going though this, not one question on how she is doing....
So now a little less tension in the house. Now to deal with dad, take him to the repair shop so I can pay for his car repair... "happy birthday dad"...... Lets see what next issue he comes up with...... Oh yeah, he claims he will need back surgery...... as the siren wales.......
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That is great news, TG. I'm sure it must have been so difficult watching your daughter go through this Life Learning Lesson, but... I'm hoping that things really calm down on that front from now on. Now. Can you get your dad to act a little less entitled with you? Why does he think you're just there to run, fetch, pay, etc., as he pleases for as long as he pleases? :-) I've read the other thread where you describe your situation, so no need to recap, I'm just pointing out that you have a mentally acute adult living in your household that seems to believe they are a child of yours. Only minor age children don't contribute to households in any financial or other way, and just live rent free and expect all their needs to be met.  That behavior shouldn't be tolerated from any adult, even if they are your parent, UNLESS you are happy to perform these services for your dad.  It's your choice to make.  If it's your choice to provide him this lifestyle, that's one thing.   I think it's admirable that you want to do all that for your dad.  
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As for dads car repairs he says he will pay me... I expect half. I guess it goes with the territory. If I didn't pay for it he would be here and go nowhere then I would have to drive him...
As far as daughter she is back to her normal self, even better. I know she will yo yo but from what she tells us a huge weight was lifted. He was a complete drunk, hammered every day. We knew it was bad but not as bad as she has told us. I am so glad she was here and we could help her through this. She has already moved on in her mind and is planning to get her own place quickly. She needed this. I tried to tell her long before but she was nose blind. Now her eyes are open!
As for dad, not sure, we will just be day to day with him. He is a narcissist, his sister called yesterday and advised she was in the hospital with a kidney stone, he immediately went into how bad his were. No mention of how was she healing etc.... Its all about him. The other day he watched his dog piss all over the living room rug and didn't even move. He let my daughter and wife clean it up and didn't even move out of his chair. He wont let his dog out more than once a day. We tell him every day let your dog out even at night he wont do it. It is like living with a child.... I have 3 dogs now..... only one is mine....
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Okay let me stop you right there -

"If I didn't pay for it he would be here and go nowhere then I would have to drive him..."

No You Wouldn't.

If you didn't pay for the car repairs, he wouldn't be able to get the car repaired. He could sell it as a doer-upper and use the cash for taxi rides or bus rides or whatever, or it can sit in the garage until he's got the wherewithal together. Meanwhile, back at the ranch...

Then he would be here and go nowhere... Well, that's up to him. He can sit and feel sorry for himself. Or he can call a friend and arrange a lift. Or he can get off his arse and take his poor old dog for a walk. But the point is, it's Up To Him.

and I would have to drive him. Why?

I'll tell you why. Because you insist on taking responsibility for solving his problems, that's why. But you have the same binary choice that you have always had, and are STILL not getting.

a) Your father is a competent adult who is responsible for his own welfare and can make his own decisions. His problems are his problems, not yours to solve - or bloody pay for!!!

OR

b) Your father is your dependant, who is beginning to lose competence, and you are responsible for his welfare and that of his belongings including the dog. In which case, your house, your family, your rules. Get him a cheaper car. Get him a bicycle. Stop funding things that aren't good for him and that you don't approve of and that make your life difficult. Best idea of all: find him a good facility.

But please correct that error in thinking. You do not HAVE to do anything. You make choices about what you want to achieve based on what you believe is the right thing to do. Stop leading yourself up blind alleys.

Hugs!
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Oh TG: “I know the guy who started AA....” Please tell us you laughed! Or promise us you will laugh about it someday. 😜
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Yes, I could ignore the car and the bills. We live in the country, no buses or taxis. He could ask friends for a ride but that would lose its luster. Sometimes it is easier to pay the piper. Get him a cheaper car? That would entail coming up with cash. His car is 10 years old, Anything I get would be more work. He gave me his truck last year (Value of 9K) so I could buy a new one so indirectly that is going to whenever there is an issue.
Yes I did laugh when he told me about AA. Just like when he was at a winery and had a special hamburger named after "James Beard". He told me "They named the hamburger after the guy who started the boy scouts"..... Hmmmm, I told my wife, "more like maybe the award winning chef you might think"? Again, I had to laugh.....

Its been a difficult weekend getting the SIL out. I felt like I got hit by a bus from all the adrenaline coming down. Its been tough. knowing someone, and tossing them out. Its not that I didn't like him, I just didn't like the person he was. Hopefully he will get the help he needs. He needed to be with his family so they can help him and take is problems with him. Already the house is calmer. Still finding booze bottles tho...

Getting tired of bailing people out......
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TG I get it, sometimes it is easier to just get it done yourself than try to change things, doesn't mean you don't want to b!tch about it though.
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Very true, CW. And TG, I've been responding to your posts on YOU thread lately with some questions that are meant to be thought provoking for you, only because those same types of questions helped me a great deal a few years back. However, if you just want a safe space to vent about your situation, then that's more than acceptable on AC. It's your life, your family, your money -- do what you feel is for the best, of course. :-)

Just explaining that -- I know we mean well around here when we push for people to stand up for themselves, but if you're doing exactly what you want to be doing given the situation, and you only wish to complain about it and have a moment of indulging in that and then go back to more of the same... then by all means, of course, it's your life and AC is here to be a support to the caregiver, whatever form that support is.
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This is YOU thread. 😆  I just realized that, just now.

Well. That makes sense.  😉🙃
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TG tell Dad that if he doesn't take the dog out at least three times a day you will be reporting him for animal abuse and asking the dog be removed from his care. And follow through.
You have got one big headache taken care of - finally - so now move on to Dad.
However much responsibility you feel for Dad if you want to continue to have a wife find him somewhere else to live. Get him on a list for HUD, Section 8 or an elder apartment if he is capable of living alone. You can still help him out on your own schedule. Some places rounf here have nice apartments and a resident warden and have their own bus which takes them shopping.
It can be done you just have to persevere.
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What Veronica suggested for new living for Dad, TG, is exactly type of residence my dad went to in May. Other family said "he can't live on his own!" and I said "I think he can, let's try it." Sixth months later and I think my dad really likes it that he is independent now. He didn't like me fussing at him all the time and having to ask me to do things for him. He is extremely low income, receives only the minimum supplemental income for US elders, so if my dad can afford a place, then anyone's parent can afford a place. You can still help him but... every geriatrician and nurse and medical pro I've ever encountered has always advised to keep seniors as independent as possible for as long as possible. You've been enabling your dad and I personally don't believe it's good for him, physically or mentally. My dad was scared to be on his own (though he wouldn't admit that), but when I found the place and got him in it, he saw that he could do it on his own and I can tell he has a new sense of self confidence about him. Our dads are very different, but I'm telling you: pushing my dad into an independent living place was best thing I've ever done for him.

My dad's new apartment is quite nice, just the right size, there is some daily oversight from building staff and there are parties and such where he can socialize. There are shuttles 3x a week to shopping, on-demand rides to doctors. I wish I had such a life! He has it made and he isn't beholden to anyone. What more could a narcissist want? :-)

Maybe just do some checking into HUD places in your area and go do a drive by. They're pretty nice, imo. It took me several years to accomplish getting my dad moved into his new place but wow, been the best thing ever for everyone, especially my dad. 
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TG, My mom lives in a place very like the one ABB's dad is in now, and even though she has physical challenges (spine deteriorating, bad pain sometimes and bent way over), she likes it and doesn't want to leave. She has a cat she loves and can care for, gets a hsskpr and laundress weekly, RN visit weekly, pays various people in the building small sums to help her with things and/or drive her some. No shuttle on site, but with 24 hr notice, she can use the town shuttle (small town). Staff on site, emergency maintenance person 24 yrs - how bad can it be - and it's Section8. The building is older, but well kept, and there is a buzz system to get in after hours and weekends. Entertainments, elderly meals - in the dining room, or if needed, sent up to the apt, various churches do services and Bible studies in the building - all kinds of stuff - way more to do than I have here. Bet your dad would like something like that!
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Dad has never been on his own. For him to live on his own wont do, he doesn't even have enough for sundries or food (except is dining out). At least now with the SIL out (changed all the house codes) I can focus on dad. It is his birthday today. I offered to take him to lunch, Of course he picks the place that is 45 minutes away in the middle of my work day so there is 2 and a 1/2 hours out of my day. Of course it is the place he can get lobster. I figured it will be cheaper than dinner. Dinner would cost me $200 minimum so a $40 lunch will be better. Depending on what he gets for lunch will determine dinner. He does this, turns it in his favor. Oh well, it is once a year.
Since when do parents become so cunning? Like children, seeing how far they can get. Made him his favorite cake today. So I am still the bad son?
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I have posted periodically here. My dad passed away recently and my sister and I have been looking at options for my mother. She is 100, has cancer, anxiety,and some dementia. We have looked at carious options from keeping her home with help,assisted living,or having her live with us. My mom can be very difficult. I stayed with her for eight weeks and finally said we are no closer to figuring out what you are going to do than we were in the beginning. I moved back home that day. Tough love if you will. She was starting to call me by my dad's name. She is home alone because that is what she chose. She won't allow any help in the house. We can't put her at our local assisted living because she will say or do something and they will ask her to leave. Yesterday my sister went to visit,one of us is there every day, and my mom bursts into tears. My sister asks her what is wrong and she says that she is having bad memories. My sister says about what. My mom says she found a woman's jewelry in my dad's pants and he must have been having an affair. Mind you this was a 100 year old man who only went out when we took him to run errands. The so called jewelry was a chain for eye glasses and the outside rim of a broken magnifying glass which were sitting on top of a cabinet for the last year and not in my dad's pants pocket. My mother has always been paranoid, but this is over the top. She even came up with a name of a lady who worked next door to my dad's business. Her husband worked with her too. My mother was on the rampage over it. I told my sister to leave. The day before I went over to close all the storm windows and turn off the outside water. The first thing my mother said to me was why did you steal my clock. I just looked at her. I marched into her room and found it laying flat on her nightstand. Then she accused me of stealing the shades from the windows. I said to her there were never any shades on those windows. She wanted to turn it into a fight so I said bye and left. I think she is over the deep end. She sees her doctor this week. She has a new one now. Her old one left,but was well aware of her behavior. We don't know what to do with her right now.
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tg - Congratulations are getting your sil out if the house. That is a big step. I hope he gets treatment. He badly needs it. Your dad is a narcissist. They are cunning and turn things out for their own good, Have you read about narcissists? Please do - it will open your eyes. If you are the scapegoat child you will always be the bad son no matter what you do, so trying to please him will not ever work. You need to set the limits which work for you and your wife. It is your lives that are being negatively affected - not his. I hope you eventually open your mind to your dad living elsewhere, with help if needed. You are not a bad son if you make alternate arrangements for him. There are community resources to help him like subsidized housing, meals on wheels, seniors centers etc.

Edited after reading the post again - Jim - from what you describe of your mother, despite whatever else her problems are, the dementia is worsening Paranoia is part of that. She is a sick woman and needs medical help. Please document her behaviours and send them to her new doctor and ask for a referral. I suspect the time is approaching when she cannot live alone alone anymore. She needs a full geriatric psych evaluation and to get that she needs to be seen by a specialist - a geriatric psychiatrist. There are meds which help the paranoia. My own mother, who was always a difficult person, went through this. It was only when the geri psychs became involved that things started being done to help her. This is way past the scope of a pcp. Do you have POA/health and financial? Assisted living may not be enough for her. She may need memory care.
I know you are on a very difficult journey. Please try to get the professionals who can help, involved. Blessings
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Jim. It may be time for tough love. It sounds like mom is no longer safe in her home of alone.
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Jim, I think Golden is right; memory care for your mom. To get to 100 in her own home is amazing for anyone, but sounds as if she's slipping fast, and NOT safe at home now - please consider MC....
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SIL is out, have to deal with him getting his things. luckily it is all civil. He and I actually get along very well in this regard to it is not bad at this point although it is still all new. Lots of paperwork to deal with.
So dad gave the SIL a hunting knife to sharpen, it got put with his tings and he took to his parents house. Dad keeps asking for it. I actually bought it for him many years ago (with moms help). As I told him it will take time to get it back and I have asked for it and the SIL agreed to send it back, no worries. That is all dad can be concerned about, not the fact that his grand daughter lost her marriage.... nope, nothing about anyone else, just his things....
Dad is yacking to anyone who can hear about how bad his back pain it. I have never heard him complain about his back ever until now. He says it is from an accident over 50 years ago. Yes he was in an accident but all of a sudden he needs surgery, he hasn't even seen the back Dr about it yet! All of a sudden he is dependent on the cane, tell everyone he sees how much pain he is in. The man can scurry to the nearest piece of pie with no problem! If he needs surgery he will have to go to my sisters house (the nurse) I dealt with the last one, she can deal with this one.
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TG Dad briefly saw the writing on the wall when SIL got evicted and thinks he may be next .hus he is thinking up any ailment he can so you can't throw a poor sick old man onto the street.
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How am I today? Well,, I may be crazy,, but.. we just bought a new puppy! She comes home next week and we are naming her Karma,, because this could come back to bite us in the arse! But,, she will be company for mom, and give her something to do! Then we don't have to worry she is lonely when the daughters dog goes back (the shared custody thing..LOL) She is tiny Chug,, the runt of the litter so we are hoping she tops out at 10=15 LBS.
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Hi Bookluvr!
Have not written to you in awhile. Wondering just how you have been. Please know that you are not forgotten, ever, and we look up to you. Recently wanted to comment on your good answers around the forum. Are you still posting on this thread?

Just cannot wait to hear when you will have a much deserved vacation to wherever you want to go. Talk soon, okay?

This is National Caregiver month, and just want you to know you are celebrated too!
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Hi Send. I've been very busy at work - juggling the books and the reservations. GRT is coming up soon. And I have NOT finished October's books! I just haven't been feeling like leaving work late. Our sun sets early now. I work on the 3rd floor. Most of the business offices on the 3rd floor closes at 5pm. We close at 5:30pm. By 6pm, it's dark. The 3rd floor is so... quiet... isolated... scary when you don't hear any noises from any of the offices. Then I have to walk (clunk, clunk, clunk) down the outdoor circular stairs. Sometimes, when I'm scared because it's soooo quiet and isolated, I'm literally running down the stair (clack! clack! clack!) Then.. I have a Long walk in the dark isolated parking lot. Sometimes, I park far or not near the street light. Heart pumping, I'm still running to my car. D*rn, both of my car keys ran out of batteries. I now have to insert the key to lock/unlock it. I need to take the time to buy the batteries. Tonight, I was scared (don't recall why), but I ran fast to my car. Inserted the key - the wrong way - and just locked my car instead of unlocking it. Grrr!! I wonder if the place is haunted. I try so hard not to think about it. Out of sight, out of mind.

Because lately, I refuse to work late, past 6pm, I'm just soooo behind with work. I'm back to sleeping on my sofa bed in the livingroom. It's much cooler than my bedroom. I'm sleeping better, too. I guess after sleeping over 20 years in the livingroom (with my bedridden parent/s), I sleep better there than in my own bedroom.
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Send, you're very perceptive. To answer your question, I no longer feel comfortable in posting on this thread. I'm no longer a caregiver. I feel like an imposter when I post here. So, I just scroll around the topics and just respond to those that catches my eye.
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Book you may not be a caregiver at this time but you have many years of experience which is helpful to share in retrospect. Much of your experience is unique and well worth sharing on any thread.
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Agreed, Veronica. I also felt, and still do at times, as Book does. I think it is also part of NEEDING to get past the caregiving.
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Bookluvr,
I love your posts and I learn from people on here of all ages and in all stages of caregiving. That's including the people that are finished. Besides that, I would miss any of your ghost stories!
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Bookluvr,
You are very wise to not want to stay late at work when everyone else has gone home.
Is there anyway you could change your schedule, go in an hour earlier? I know with some jobs (like any accounting/bookkeeping/taxes) one needs the space and some quiet to concentrate. I used to go in on a Saturday for billing, but that did not exactly work.
One is still there working alone, another doctor came looking for my boss. Well, he stayed, talking..talking...trying to lead the conversation the wrong way, talking about affairs when you are married, even going so far to say he (and I) were having an intellectual affair, No we were not! I left and later told my boss. So, working alone in an empty building is just not good for you, although I know other people who do. Well, I would have been better off IF the building were actually EMPTY! Lol.  But that was many years ago, and today's world is more unsafe staying late.

All these years, the adrenaline, the flight or fight hormones running through the body at times of stress, it is the same when you are afraid. Take away the fear factor, and you might feel so much better!

Good blessings to you, wherever you are posting, you are appreciated. And any caregiver who has lost someone is welcome, like an alumni, anywhere, posting anywhere, visiting old friends on here. One doesn't have to be helping, or receiving help, just showing up where you are loved and welcome counts!
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bookluvr, I am also no longer a caregiver as both of my parents have now passed.

For me, I have gotten so much excellent advice from everyone here, that I feel good about coming back and sharing my experiences hoping to help others.

So, please keep on posting, Book :)
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Book chan
Ki o tsukete, ne
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