The Caregiver... How are YOU doing today?

I had a lousy day at the office today. Boss' wife read my client's email to me this morning. When I came back from lunch, wife said that she emailed options to my client. Client calls me. She's confused. She thought we agreed on a routing (oneway ticket to London.) Yet, BW sent her options. I whispered to her about this, questioning her. Nope, no one in their office called asking to send the info immediately.  I asked her did she want to go with BW options or stick to what we agreed before I left for lunch. What we agreed. After we hung up, BW asked which options client wanted. I said that we had already agreed on a schedule before I left lunch. BW said she didn't read any emails on that. I said it was because she called here and we discussed it. Wife got angry because I didn't ask more details, etc... She lectured me! Hello?! This is my client. I have been dealing with them for years. I know what they want. Truthfully, every time I go on vacation, client's boss asked me if I really have to go or dead silence. Whenever I come back, like the last time I called client, I heard in the background several people cheering that I'm back. I don't need to ask needless questions. I know what they want. .. The thing is - BW and I refuse to back down once I dig in my heels and actually speak up to defend myself. I mean, it gets ugly. I have to just keep my mouth shut because I will always be wrong. And they are always right. 

This afternoon, boss asked his wife on a reservation format. Wife doesn't know. I know the answer! But I have learned, repeatedly by Boss that I should mind my own business. He has told me so many times: "Am I talking to you?" So.. I tried and tried soooooo hard Not to say anything. I really tried!!! I caved in. I told him to "CL' it. His reply was so rude and abrupt (yes, my fault for butting in): "I know about the CL!" I was ... so embarrassed. And kicking my d*rn self. I tried to stop myself from answering.... One Hour Later. He finally asks me very nicely, how to book using the CL. I said to type in CL and the city code. He snapped, I already did that! I got the location.... I got up and tentatively walked to him to see what he wrote.  I said no, not that. Type CL again. I said - take the 1st 2 letters & use that in the normal formula we use. It worked.

This afternoon, when I was talking on the phone, I was stuttering.  I haven't stuttered in a long time.  I only stutter when I'm nervous.  It was only BW and myself in the office.  This job is stressing me.  I'm back to d*rn if I do and d*rn if I don't environment.  This means I'm going to have more nightmares of work...

Working for a husband and wife team is hard going, Book. I freelanced, but I once spent a week in a newly set-up agency's office just to help out; and this place was owned by husband and wife assisted by a former employee of the husband's. Well! - this woman, like you, knew the business inside out and to be honest they'd have been nowhere without her. What was different was her attitude - she had boundaries of barbed wire, with armed sentries. We were incredibly busy, but between half past twelve and half past one she took out her lunch and a magazine and sat at her desk. She would not answer the phone. She would not respond to questions except with a hard, blank stare (scared the willies out of me). She would not lift a finger. And she left the office at half past five to the minute, every night. The rest of the time she was great, if not exactly friendly. But they were paying her a salary, they were taking all the profits, she was dam'ed if she was going to give them an inch more than they paid for. I respected her attitude, I just didn't like it.

{whispering}.CM, that's why I'm saving like crazy. When I can't take it anymore, I will have no problem turning in my resignation. I like my job for the medical insurance benefits. They pay 100% of it. Most companies don't provide medical insurance. Instead they have worker's compensation. To pay as an individual, would cost me over $800/month. I checked around several years ago.

Off topic. Currently fascinated with Pentatonix. I’ve always loved listening to certain songs from Linda Ronstadt, Carly Simon, etc.. it’s songs in which the singers can sing low, to norm then high pitch and sustaining it. I’ve never been a diehard fan where I have to know everything about them, etc... I just love to listen to these music repeatedly.

With Pentatonix and the advent of YouTube, I’m learning so much about tenor, bass, etc... It’s strange how people are amazed with the bass singer. I didn’t realize that for a bass singer to move and maintain his singing perfectly is an exceptional thing.... Did you know that when you join a choir, it’s a must that you show your emotions? Ha! That’s why they always have joy or emotions in their faces!...I’ve been replaying, studying their videos and reading the comments. I think I’m really fascinated about them because I’m finally learning stuff about the musical world... Even about Beyoncé’s singing abilities on those high ranges, etc... fascinating.

I’m smelling something dead all over the house.. in the kitchen, Livingroom, bathroom, my bedroom. It’s there, then it’s gone. In our culture, it’s not good to be outside at night, especially making noises. For regular posters here, you know that when I come home from work, and it’s already dark, I park as close to the porch as possible. Lastnight, not only did I yell into the silent night, I left the porch to approach them. I broke 2 of my rules that avoid bringing the spirits attention on me... really, there cannot be a dead lizard in every room in the house that I enter in. It’s not even a consistent odor. It’s not there, then it is, then it’s soooo strong a dead odor, then it’s not there. I have offended them lastnight and they’re making it known....

Well I got hubs to put up  the Christmas trees today.. he put up three instead of two,, so mom and I were decorating them a lot of the day. THey are not fancy or classy,, but they are up!! Now to put some other décor around and call it finished! Puppy Chloe has had her sister pup Bella here for two days.. bella is letting her know who the boss is! I never thought I'd refer to the 5 lb Chihuahua as the "big dog"..LOL Now if we can get the piddling down and back to ALL on the pads..

Pam have you tried taking a used pee pad outside take Chloe out to it and say Go Pee or what ever and every time she goes give her a treat and she will soon learn

Well after weeks of mom and hubs asking what I want for Christmas.. at my age nothing really... I came up with the best gift idea for ME. I am a huge Nora Roberts fan, and she has an Inn near to our house. DD and I went on a road trip just to see it. Yep its pricey.. but if Mom and hubs split it ? Even hubs and mom are excited! Mom said she can plan a trip to Aunts and hubs and I can go,, and relax and be spoiled! So we will see,, but it would be a once in a lifetime overnight! And stress free, unlike the other vacations we take that are loaded with stress!

Veronica, she goes on the pee pad when it is a "big" piddle,, but she tiny piddles? a lot too. That is a good idea. She is only 9 weeks old, so it sounds like she just can't hold it. We are going to the vet after the new year.. but I am hoping taking her out with the older pup may help too

Pam some dogs just pee when they are excited (never get over that). But sounds as though you are on the right track. if you reward both pups when they go i think she will catch on.
Love the idea of your special night out. We did that for our 50th wedding anniversary.

Bookluvr,
If your car is close to the house and has a catalytic converter, that odor can waft inside.
Also, methane gas can come up from the sewers. Air the house out, dump bleach down the drains, run water, fill with a little water and plug it overnight. The toilet too.
Put on a huge fan to clear the air inside. If you use propane, check it for a leak.
Walk around the house in the morning to see if something dead was not placed under your window by the rowdy crowd Sat. night for revenge for doing what is right.
Where is older sis?

Just watched the Carol Burnette 50th Anniversary Special. It was wonderful! Why can't there be shows like that any more? So much drama and reality tv these days that isn't the least bit entertaining!😁

Don't know if it's the supermoon or sheer exhaustion, but once again I can't sleep
The past month has been pretty difficult and I've been remiss in posting an update on mom.

She got past the delirium and we started getting a handle on her skin decision and after much wrangling with the NH, was able to get lab work showing she was clear of infection, so after much deliberation I moved her back to hoca this weekend
While there were a couple of good staff members at the Nh, the care was in many respects worse than hoca
Having said that, it was quite an assault on the senses to re-enter the chaos of hoca which already has led to more frustration

Dementia is a long tiring journey for everyone

Ms. Madge, it's so good to hear from you, and so good that mom is past the infection.

Had to work this weekend so I took y wife with me. 3 hour drive for a 30 minute meeting. Stayed the night and made a weekend out of it. So nice to get away, took a few ours for my stress to leave and it did. Hung out at the hotel and did nothing for a few hours. Just enjoyed the quiet. Ate too much and had no expectations on dining options so it was great! Didn't take but a few minutes for the stress to come back once at home.
I have a new nick name for dad, "Dewey" because he asks "do we have this? Or Do we have that"?
It is amazing, he can ask for things like he bought them or he did something to bring it into the house. Like "do we have a laundry bag? I need to send my shirts out, I have been a bad boy and not sent my shirts out to be dry cleaned." It is funny, becasue I have a laundry bag and I send my shirts out, oh and I pay for it. He is home all day and can wash and iron his shirts but he cant do something that menial.
Still peeing on the floor in the bathroom, we have to clean the floor every time he goes in. I am about to put blotter paper down in front of the toilet. Yup, he can drive 10 hours to camp, can cook all week at camp but cant go to the dry cleaners a take his shirts and pay for them, easier for ME to pay for his cleaning.
I guess he will be getting a bill this week ...... does that go with the few hundred dollars I had to transfer for him last month to cover his expenses?

Glad, so far, the only show that consistently makes me laugh is the replays of Car Talk in NPR. And re-watching the YouTube video of Andy and Amy's Haunted House by Ellen DeGeneres. I've watched their other Haunted videos, but the one with Amy's the best. Andy is such a jerk (hiding behind Amy, or pushing her to go to the front, etc...) is soooo funny, my tummy hurts and I start hyperventilating and can't breathe.

MsMadge, I'm so glad that your mom's okay. And that you moved her back to hoca. Unfortunately, you will also be back to dealing with 'visitors' wandering into her room. But at least you have more flexibility in hands-on dealing with your mom... As for your insomnia, I wish I could give you advice but I rarely have insomnia like that.

tgengine, back to the daily grind. When I go on trips away from home, I usually start dreading flying back home about 3 days before departure. By then, I'm fighting depression (depress that I have to go back to caregiving role). And you are so right. The minute you walk into the house, all that stress comes crashing back in. One day at a time....

Hi everyone. I'm new here but as much as I've not wanted to say anything but your comments have touched my heart and made me feel like someone else understands and will except me and everything my family and i have been through. I had been taking care of my mom since I was 15. At first no one believed me that my mom was so sick with a mental illness. They were too ashamed and said she was just tired and not dealing with divorce well. But those things don't make you beat your child or say your burning inside from the devil living in your skin. But I got cussed and slapped and basically shunned by the family when I got her admitted to a psych ward. I drove illegally back and forth 120 miles a day to check on her and have her sign checks so I could pay bills. Then I would go home do my homework and go to bed. The next day I would go to school and do it all over again. My dad even turned his back on me and said he couldn't be involved. I had a best friend at the time who was a Christian and I thought she would understand and go with me to visit my mom but when her and her parents found out it was a mental illness she stopped being my friend. This has been my life for a long time as now I am in my 40s. There have been many facilities and new diagnosis but all along I've had no help from outside family. I took the very best care of my mom that I could i got married and moved away only to move back and once again take care of my mom. We had children and they learned at a young age how to call for help and where to hide if grandma gets really sick. But no other help ever came. There were doctors of course and Councelors but mostly just me and my boys. My husband as thing got worse immersed himself in work but we also needed the money. But it has been very lonely. Then in 2006 I once again was trying to get my mom help. We had to involve APS and by the time it was over a yard full of police and searchers. Because my now bipolar diabetic mother ran off into the woods in her nightgown the day before thanksgiving. The family knew but no came to help no calls nothing. They did talk about us. My mom was evaluated and qualified for the Pasar and they told me she needed long term care and it wasn't safe for anyone for her to come back here and that she would probably never be home again except maybe for visits. And so we went on. Our whole life upside down. Mom has been threatening and violent and the boys had been afraid but strong and my husband was oblivious. But we moved on finances were terrible. We were left with lots of debts and then my husbands work went to three days then two and as bad as things had been my husband went to work for my astranged father. It all went bad. My husband got hurt and had to be in physical therapy and see a specialist for almost a year displacing our fractured family. All the while being attacked by the family on both sides about the decisions regarding my mom. Then in 2014 my uncle wormed someone into the nursing home and talked mom who was stable and doing well into revoking my power of attorney and APS released her to her abusive brothers and sister who didn't want anything to do with her. All the while attacking my family and me. Spreading gossip and causing us problems in a small small town. It almost ruined my family. We were so close and now we are barely together. Now tho year they have dicided that they don't want to care for.my mom anymore and she called me after several trips to the DR for health problems begging me to take care of.her again. After talking it over we agreed it was the right thing to do but once again I'm starting to feel like I'm alone and everyone is already blaming.me for everything. I feel like I had my freedom and maybe my family could heal and now I feel like I'm back at the beginning.

Blue Rose, my heart goes out to you and your family. A very dysfunctional mess with family members. Honestly I don’t see it getting better. You could get guardianship regarding your mother, then she would not be able revoke your authority again. My first response, get as far away from your family members as possible to protect your family. It sounds to me like your mom needs facility care.

Welcome to this site, you are accepted and will be supported here.

Thank you so much for your kindness SharynMMarie. When i had my mom in long term care the first time she was there for almost 3 years. Then we had agreed with the people at the facility that she was stable enough and on a routine enough to come home and be successful. It took a lot of work and appointments but she stayed stable with manageable cycles for almost 10 years without needing to be re commited. Then she was diagnosed with diabetes and everything fell apart. They were changing meds and her cycles got longer and worse until she refused to Medicare except for her diabetic meds. But since she refused to go anywhere no Dr would refill those meds either. Finally she went off everything saying God healed her. Where we live at that time things had changed and it was all about patient rights ie if she doesn't want it you can't force it. I was even told it was illegal for me to grind it on food or in drinks. Over a long while we had to wait until she was a threat to herself or others. When that happened they transported her to the hospital where they spent a week getting her leveled out and testing for the Pasar. She spent several years in the only good facility remotely close to us that would except a psych patient that also needed daily insulin injections. Most will not because of the issue of restraint. It's always a terrible situation having her somewhere. So many bad things happen and so many psych facilities are just awful. But she got good care and seemed happy. The problem always comes once she gets stable. Then she is so high functioning that it's hard to see anything wrong until she is very far off the rails. But I've been doing it so long my kids say I analyzed everything. But even I have to say she seems stable now. Which is very evident in how concerned with her failing physical health is. When the mental goes she doesn't care about the physical. I'm trying very hard not to take her independence away this time unless I have too. And she insisted as did I that we do the durable poa as well as medical poa that our state now requires. And I explained that while I did not and still do not agree with her decision to leave the facility or to revoke the previous poa I respect her right to do so. However if she does it again I will not help her again and she understands that for now. I have gotten my family away from both sides of the family also in the last three years we have lost my dad and my husband's mom and last month his dad. However there is still trouble they are trying to make. And I just feel I have no support. I know a lot of you are having end of life really difficult situations and if I'm not right for this group please feel free to let me know. I feel like a lot of things you talk about I can relate to but in some ways I guess I feel my problems seem huge for my family but maybe small in comparison. Thanks so very much.

For those who are suffering with taking care of others who are suffering mental illness my heart goes out to you.

You are more than welcome Bluerose. Please continue to post. Take a look around the site at different threads available.

Well after 3 weeks of super busy work,, I came home tonight to find out Mom's hearing test shows 15% more loss since she got her last hearing aides. They are now turned up as far the man can turn them, and she still says she can't hear much. So he is looking into another "better" pair. I feel so bad for her.. And she wanted to make Whoopie pies for small get together tomorrow,, hubs had to "help" her.. But it turned out OK. On the plus side.. Chloe has found her "bark",, after barking maybe 5 times in the two weeks we have had her.. tonight she barked at hubs while playing,, and then again,, and on for about 30 seconds! She was so surprised! and such a big bark from such a small puppy. It was so funny! No barks since then,, but I'm sure its coming!

BlueRose, when I found this site, I wasn't even concerned about it as being an 'end of life' site. I was searching for information on how I can take care of 2 bedridden parents and still keep my job. I found so many topics that helped me, educated me. I guess I understand why you're giving your mom another chance. I just wished she spoke up and defended you when others talked bad about you. I'm sure they did. Just watch your back with her. She burned you once, nothing says that she won't do it again. I hope you stick to that 'red line'. That if she crosses over it, you will no longer help her. Setting up your boundaries.

Pam did they check for wax in Mon's ears and if necessary clean them out before they did the hearing test? They neglected to do that to mine and many months and $4K later can hear almost as well without them.
Bluerose you are so very welcome here.
Don't be afraid to say anything or ask anything.
Sometime we simple have a bit of fun. See "Caregivers behaving badly" and Caregivers cats Behaving badly"
This forum can be a true lifeline at times especially when you have been here a while and we get to know you, your family and pets, nasty neighbors and those who help you out.
You are your own person and very valuable so don't ever forget that.
Your Mom can't help her mental illness anymore than you could fake a case of the flu. You do not have to be part of Mom's life after you have tried once again. When it is time for you to step away it will be apparent and I would say it won't be long if your boys are still young and scared of their grandmother. That amounts to child abuse and a reason to remove her from the home. Make sure your husband understands the full implications of having your mother in your home.

Book I have never felt that this is an "end of life " site. I have always seen it as a mutual support place where people come to share their experiences and seek answers . End of life issues are a large part of people's discussions and most of the people been cared for are often close to the end of life and frequently have dementia. Those with mental illness often mirror the behaviors of dementia and are just as difficult to understand and deal with.
Many people tend to feel their situation is unique and try to keep this hidden. Add to that the rest of the relatives try and distance themselves as far as possible which in their minds possibly & prevent themselves from "catching" the disease. We know that is not possible but fear is a very strong motivator. Add to that a long history of abusive and narcissistic behavior and a perfect storm begins to form.

Veronica I hope he did, but I will have Dr do so at next visit! Good idea.

Thank you all so much for making me feel so welcome. So when the whole thing happened about 4 years ago that they got my mom out of the nursing home I was so shocked and so hurt. I truly could not wrap my mind around the deception and down right self serving nature of my whole extended family. They had never lifted a finger to help except to call and say her behavior was an embarrassment to the family and all of a sudden after mom had almost died from diabetic coma and then become abusive to me. All of a sudden they knew how to take care of her and the problem was really me. My husband coming from an abusive family will do anything to avoid a conflict and lives for everyone to like him. We have been going thru really hard times since all this happened because he did nothing to stand up for me or defend the boys at the time in their pre teens. He just let us get thrown under the bus knowing none of what was being said was true but still being friendly to all of them. As long as he looked good and no one was coming after him he just went on with his life. Meanwhile I went from doing everything for everyone and homeschooling the boys , taking care of mom, doing the taxes, giving hair cuts, and running a home feeling very capable and responsible. To feeling like a failure and a bad mom. I felt like my marriage was a joke and like for all my life's work of looking after my mom she was now to be left on her own with people who didn't care about her and for all that had happened I wasn't sure I cared any more. I to la APPS I was concerned about her coming back here and that I would call the police if she showed up here. I also said I knew it wouldn't last and that they had no idea how to take care of her and that they would loose interest. I said if they let them take her when things went bad I wouldn't be there to pick up the pieces. We agreed to love each other from a distance. Everything was handled by mail or an occasional phone call when a situation didnt allow for time. For the first year and half the boys had nightmares that she would come back and hurt us and my husband and I have been working to heal our very broken marriage. Then we lost my great uncle my grandmother, my uncle, my husband's mom, and my dad and then my other great uncle. All over 2 years. My mom's health started declining but it seemed she was getting care. Come to find out she is now living in a little Trailor park with her brother but most of the time he's gone. She get a care because she is taking public transportation to appts. But she had become unable to travel by herself due to weakness and dizziness brought on by worsening heart issues. She had her sister take her to the ER where they changed her meds adding a new bloodpressure med. A week later she was back feeling weak and unable to walk, very dizzy and nauseous. They diagnosed her with vertigo and raised her dosage of day and night blood pressure meds. She kept calling me unable to walk worried that she wouldnt be able to take care of herself.she couldn't leave the house to pay bills. Then she went back to the ER. She had fallen trying to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and was so dizzy she almost couldn't get to the phone. Her blood pressure was 205 over 118 So they kept her for observation and dwtermi we her sodium levels were very low and she had a bad inner ear infection but all these trips she has been begging the brother she doesnt live with or her sister who took her and made fun of her because she had a hole in her shoe to take her to the ER but now they have told her they won't take her anymore and that it's all in her head and she needs to decide which one to be her POA and they are going to commit her. Now I know how difficult that will be if not impossible for what is going on with her. But this is a small town and her sister has a lot of power. So mom calls me again and tells me this and I see that if I don't help her they will take her money and stick her in a hole somewhere to rot. She has become a responsibility not a fun play thing and they are done with her. So I stepped up. I talked it over with my now 18 and 22 year old sons and my husband and we agreed but it's been 6 months and a lot of things as far as me being on my own and getting blamed for everything because things have been in a state of upheaval since we or I took this on. It just feels very lonely and like I can't do anything right. I'm doubting myself a lot because of all that has happened.

Bluerose, doubting yourself happens when others abuse you; if it happens enough, you begin to believe them. This stuff your family does is not going to change, nor is the situation with your mom; you need to decide if you and your husband need to cut your losses and do something different with her and for all of you.... welcome to the site!

Such a touching picture on the 11 o clock news - in the midst of devastating wildfires, a young man was jumping in panic along the highway as flames were everywhere
He finally knelt down and picked up a bunny