This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Looking out for the animals is important too!
Thanks for sharing that moment.
Our refrigerator is breaking down. The lower part, the refrigerator is not cold at all. So far, the freezer on top is still working. D*rn it! I knew it when sis really packed the freezer. I mean there was absolutely No Nooks or crannies to be found. I didn't buy my normal microwavable burritos because there's no space for it. Starting today, I had bologna sandwich with wheat bread (ugh! .. trying to eat healthy) and cheese for breakfast. My stomach was growling around 11:00am this morning.
I had to take stress leave at work
I’m an RN and I did it all got my mother’s stuff moved into her place then told the “ therapeutic lies” to get her in
She is doing well
Prior to her going there she was at home never got out of bed til 1-2 says she was sick didn’t want to eat and was verbally abusive to us
Now she’s there she is always dressed up interacting with others but at night time she gets sundowners and phones me my daughter etc to say come get her where the “?!!,;@ am I” and that’s hard too
My psychologist is like Alanna u are on stress leave what have u done for yourself and I’m like uhm you are right
It’s hard people soo hard
Hang in there there will be better days and never ever feel guilty
Be proud of what u accomplished!
I think, the phone calls will eventually taper off. She's going to forget how to use the phone. My dad used to call people all the time, harassing them. (Thank goodness he never called 911!) He only stopped when he couldn't figure out how to dial the phone. Towards the end, when my siblings called and I gave him the phone, he didn't even know how to use it. He held the phone upside down to his ear. Or the time, he would say, "hello? hello?" - and he had the phone held in front of him and not even close to his ear. He told me that no one was there (but I can hear their voice responding back to him.) I recalled giggling at this.
My boss sent me an email to my personal email. He saw that I responded to the client (even at 10:00pm). He thanked me for handling them after working hours. Tomorrow, he will discuss with me how much to charge the client for working above and beyond.
I told her straight, no sugar-coating like I usually do: When dad became bedridden, I had 2 bedridden parents to take care of. I worked full time. NOBODY stepped up to help me with them. What did you guys expect from me? To quit my job to take care of both of them? Hell NO! If I had to choose, I would choose my job. I would have gone to the nursing home, told them they can take over bedridden mom and dad - take dad's house and land as payment. I was not about to quit my job! Since no one stepped up to help me (note, SIL who lives right next door, whom my oldest brother admitted at mom's funeral that he was suppose to be the one to take care of the parents, and they have 2 grown up sons who aren't working, a DIL who is not working - living right next door to us. Yet NONE of them offered to help me with the bedridden parents).. I ASKED oldest sis to come and help. I offered her money as incentive - since No One stepped up to help.
Her response? Oh, you asked her to help? ..
What the HECK!!! No One Stepped Up to Help Me when Dad had his stroke and became bedridden. Ohhhh but when mom and him died, they ALL insisted we split the funeral money equally! sigh... I'm getting my blood pressure up. Soooo Oldest sis and I were suppose to help take care of bedridden parents because they're our parents and we're living with them in their house???? Heck, mom and dad had 8 Children. What about the other 6 children? Don't they too should be helping since that is their parents???? and... How the Hell did they expect us to caregive by NOT living with these 2 bedridden parents - whom one needed constant suctioning of the trache almost every 5 minutes?!? Of course, we needed to live in the same house as the bedridden parents! ohhhhhhh. I need to stop. High cholesterol and all that. No need to get a heart attack over this... It's over and done with... If they can just drop it - that oldest sis had to be PAID to take care of her own father and her living in his home......Venting done. I want to sleep well tonight. Get it all out of my system.
I did my eyebrows after years.
I also got rid of many t-shirts and instead of the thrift store I bought a couple tops from a real store.
For the first time, I took off my jeans and sneakers and put on lounge clothes- because i dont have to be ready to run out the door.
My mom is safe and well at the home.
I stopped communication with everyone and feel so much better not being burdened with them. I only have 3 people in my life i communicate with now- brother,bf, mom. No more "friends" or family. I think i am finally feeling better...
Except that I am now a caregiver again , albeit a cold one because of my PTSD...
(sorry, dont know where i was going with this , just putting it in type)
One thing I’m grateful for. I’m so glad that the obituary photo I chose couldn’t be changed by angry oldest brother. I chose a picture of dad in his tshirt - smiling. When oldest bro saw that, he wanted a pic of unsmiling dad wearing an island print shirt. He said that no one would recognize dad in my photo.... I don’t care! Because I spent time with dad, He became nicer to me. It took a lot of effort for me to engage him in talking, especially making him laugh. {I learned this from watching the home care nurses and the govt caregivers handle grumpy dad until he’s smiling and talking.} Sooooo, I’m glad that his final photo for everyone to see - is his smiling face {which the family rarely sees since they never took the time with him.} ... few drops of tears... I’m still waiting for the full blown bawling that lets me know I’m finally done mourning....
Today, for me, I'm wishing it wasn't almost Christmas. I just want to get past the holidays. I haven't decorated my house, so that I can pretend it's March or something. I miss Dad.
About a month ago, I went through some tears. At the time, it made me feel unsettled that I could cry so much. I hadn't cried so hard in many years it felt like to me, even when maybe I should have been, so why all the tears NOW...? So it does seem to happen like that sometimes, where the tears fall when they're ready, and you may cry and grieve very strongly for a day or week when your mind decides it's time. I've felt no more feelings of strong sadness since that cry a month ago. I've stopped crying and just looking forward more and more to a new chapter in my life. I did have some recurrence of stress symptoms, but making my new life is somewhat stressful, so I guess I can't expect to be stress free, but I am sad-free these days. :-)
I like your 'new' life changes - makeup, real clothes, dropping people that you have no desire to spend time with. I tried to do that - to isolate myself from everyone. I know just how you feel! I haven't been able to do that, though. Fave sis gets worried if I try to avoid spending time with her every weekend. I'm happy for you! =)
Today, back and forth email with The Boss of their company. After I Finally Confirmed the flights to American Samoa, the manager calls me and says to cancel it - wrong date - needs to be there this Monday... Ain't going to happen!..
The Boss is on the roll. Sends me all these one-way airfare requests. Finally, at 4:06pm, he requests another change - the traveler would like to spend one night in Tokyo. He ends his request - with something soooo unusual. And a First - that I was taken aback by it...
"Are you tired of us?
We love you."
Ohhhh.... It touched my heart. What a nice email to end my last day of work for the week. I'm off tomorrow!
I tried a few months ago to try the liquid eye liner again, but my hand was shaky and the eye liner was a total disaster [anyway, that would be what our current President would call it].
Then I realized that no one noticed when I stopped doing the eye thing. I tried going without the blush, but had too many co-workers ask me if I was under the weather :P
Today, at work, I was feeling bad because oldest sis is more sensitive and can see the spirits. What if there's something bad attached to this newcomer Used doll but is keeping a low profile? I kept worrying and worrying. The minute I got home, I went to sis in her bedroom. I closed the door. In a low voice, I told her that I ordered 3 USED dolls. I don't know if anything will be attached to them. But if she senses something is wrong with the dolls, let me know - But Not In The House! Let me know outside. I will have No Problem Getting Rid of the Doll(s). Sis asked, "Used?"... I grimaced, "Yea, used." Sis reassured me that my dolls have never bothered her. But she will tell me if the new ones do.
Anyway, I felt soooooo relieved that sis will tell me if she senses any weird bad vibes from my new used dolls. What I'm really worried about is - they might be attracted to sis - and bother Her and not me. Or bother me at nights.. So she's going to be on probation. I'm finding it scary having an unknown used doll in the house. Every time I look at her, my fear is interfering with my gut instincts.... When I do receive the other 2 dolls, I will keep it in the car. I need to first learn if this first doll is good or bad. I need to keep an eye on it, and keep an eye on the livingroom atmosphere, and how I feel. When she passes, then it's the next doll's turn... and then the next one...