This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
This caretaker thing ain’t no joke. It’s the worlds scariest roller coaster ride! It’s driving me to drink more than usual.
I have no life, no help, no outlet.
For someone with bad sleep issues like your mom, Darol, I think giving a bit of diphenhydramine (Zzzquil), maybe a half dose to start, may also help. Getting better sleep -- both of you -- would be a start to getting the edge off. Hopefully she would feel better and you would feel better. The caregiving road is a long one for many. If you're going to make it, you'll need your rest and lots of self care. :-)
Anyway. Just sitting here thinking that you might find something mild for your mom to help her sleep, AND get some calming, anti anxiety help, too.
My mother has been getting ever pickier.
Tomorrow, My younger brother, SIL, nephew, and niece. Are coming to my elderly mother's house to stay through Christmas Day.
Now, In the past, I have three futons underneath a thin foam mattress. Last year after they left, I told my elderly mother. That I would not put the other two futons back. I didn't put them back, but she put them somewhere.
Today she marched into my bedroom demanding I get the futons out of my bed. I said "Not this year!!!!". To which she responded, "It is only two days a year!!!". At first that would seem like not a problem. But my bedroom is small and major 'furniture' moves like that are monumental hassle. My 'bed' is actually otherwise, a bay window, part of the physical structure of the house. Not something like going down to Mattress Discounters. Where you would get the mattress, box-spring, and frame of the bed.
Then she told me to clean up my room, which only had a few papers on the floor. When walking around upstairs to do my laundry could have potentially fatal consequences. If I fall, and hit my head.
It also felt like, my mother wanted my bedroom 'viewable'. When I don't want ANYONE in here. That includes my relatives.
No, I don't have any deep, dark, secrets', that I don't want my relatives to know about. BUT, My bedroom is one of the few areas' of privacy in my life, and it is not a showroom of some sort. My mother loves' to show off to family.
Indirectly connected to that, my mother told me this morning. That she was thinking of firing the maid, who comes every so often. Because of the maid not showing up when she said she would. The maid only cleans' the downstairs' bathroom, the kitchen, and the den. My mother doesn't want any of her 'jungle' upstairs, touched by the maid.
She always wants' to put on an impression of being immaculate. When, In everyday life, she isn't that, at all.
I just don't get your Mom at all!
Why would she have to tell a grown man to clean his room at all?
I know you would have got with the program of having visitors, and straightened up at the very last minute, right? It makes an uncomfortable change all that harder to be having company when she nags you like that, as if you are an irresponsible little boy with an attitude!
Have a Merry Christmas anyway!
After dinner, took her and her roommate to the tv room
I find this the tough part of the evening, folks crammed together waiting for staff to put them to bed
Others pacing around, disrobing, two men entangled
After awhile, mom says to me, I don't like it here, what can I do about it ? I'm afraid not much, we'll just have to make the best of it
I hope Sprouts has plenty of pumpkin pie this weekend
Such a darling Viking lady. Does she ever just swear?
I brought my battery powered mini lantern. I even changed the 3 AA batteries from cheap version to the Energizer batteries. And I got my small heavy duty flashlight beside my head. I even changed those to new batteries. So far, no uncomfortable feelings from this bedroom. I recall fave niece telling me years ago that this room is haunted. Well, who was she to talk. It was her bedroom that had the banging wall.... okay. I’ve been hearing strange sounds. It’s just the wood creaking. {even though their house is concrete}. I’ve convinced myself it’s the wood or lizards {haven’t seen any yet}. By the way, can you believe that everyone in this house goes to sleep at 8pm!! It’s now 10:30pm. We’re going to the flea market at 5:00am. It’s still dark outside. How can they see the wares? I’m bringing my small flashlight. Last time I went that early with them, I couldn’t see my feet. I don’t care if I appear weird using the flashlight. .. I’m not sleepy. I usually sleep at 1:00am.... iPad battery is down to 32%. Wall socket is not close to the bed... I’m not sleepy...
1. I have fallen down the stairs more than once because of stuff she has left on the stairs, hitting my head on the wall at the bottom of the stairs.
2. I almost hit my head when I tripped on her 'stuff', upstairs, that was laying around the washing machine.
So, My mother's 'demand' that I clean my room, is manipulative. When her 'stuff' has almost killed me.
If I hit my head, it isn't like getting up and wiping of the dirt. I could suffer a fatal head injury since I have (physical)major medical health problems since birth.
That is why I am hypervigilant on my bike, on the road, and when I am at home. So I don't hit my head.
I spent most of my time in the living room. Yesterday, sis asked what I was reading. I said that I'm checking all my Wish List on Amazon to see if any of the e-books are on sale. Sometimes it goes down to $0.99.... Hours later, she sees me on the iPad. She asked what I'm doing. Oh, checking to see if the ebooks are on sale....Today, she saw me on the iPad scrolling, scrolling.... She asked me if I'm on Amazon again checking on the books. Yes... Sis told me to charge her credit card for Amazon's $100.00 gift card. Her gift to me. Yay!! More e-books to order to complete my different authors' book series! So, now, I'm scrolling through my list. Any series that just needs 1 more book to complete the set - I will buy it. But the book must not exceed $3.99. {grumbling... I broke my rule about not buying any ebooks over $3.99. Last week, I bought an e-book collection for $5.99. I was so pissed off when I saw it this morning for $0.99!}... I'm so tired. I think I will skip scrolling thru the Wish List (currently have 10 lists.) It's only 8:30pm...
What happens when a grown child and a parent who needs some help lives together, out comes the parent/child dynamics. Once again you are the teenager, and once again Mom is the ruler of the house. Sometimes one has to just grin and bear it. Easier to just say "ok".
Oh, and yes, leaving stuff on the stairs can become dangerous. I remember leaving some 3-ring binders on the stairs, and one night I walked down the stairs, stepped on the top binder which slipped out from under me. Ouch. Never did that again.
After the holiday, have a talk with Mom about stuff on the stairs, it sounds like a bad habit of her's and she probably doesn't realize it. Ask her what would she do if your were injured? Who would get the groceries? Take her to the doctors? Keep the conversation short to allow Mom to think about it.
My heart was racing and I was hyperventilating. I don’t have a bathtub to ease my anger. I had to slowly pamper myself in my locked bedroom. I used the baby wipes to wipe my feet and concentrated on the wetness against my foot. I got a new wet wipes and wiped between the toes, concentrating on the feel and how good it felt. A new wipe to go up one leg, concentrating only on the feeling and refreshness it brought to that leg. A new wipes for the next leg. I slowly worked a new wipes as I went up my body. Concentrating ONLY on the sensations. By the time I reached my neck/throat, my violent anger had dissipated... I need to find another religion that doesn’t burden me with obligations. I need one that will soothe me.
I haven't been a teen for thirty years. I have been married and divorced, once.
I won't back down to irrational behavior. Prior to last Christmas(2016), my brother n' SIL bought a fold up bed that looks like a suitcase when packaged. They have that again this year. The other two futons were taken to the dump in 2015(I think).
My mother's reason for leaving stuff on the stairs. Was so that she would remember it. Seemingly understandable, BUT potentially fatal.
She doesn't stuff on the stairs anymore. Not just for my sake, but also the cat. Her water and food bowls are kept on the stairs. They are not big it all. I also don't want the cat traumatized, if something falls down the stairs.
My mother drives herself to the doctor. I take public transit if I don't go on my bike.
Her memory issues' now are. She will put something in the microwave, and forget about it for hours. Also, When people call her, she can't hear the phone(cell or landline) ring from 20ft. away. When I can hear them from almost ten times that distance.
So she ends up missing a lot of calls.
I came across this book which I immediately thought of you:
Grace Lebow & Barbara Kane: Coping with Your Difficult Older Parent. A Guide for Stressed-Out Children.
In the back of the page: Do you have an aging parent who-
*Blames you for everything that goes wrong?
*Cannot tolerate being alone, wants you all the time?
*Is obsessed with health problems, real or imagined?
*Makes unreasonable and/or irrational demands of you?
*Is hostile, negative and critical?