This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Those carts are a nightmare to drive. Try one sometime. Sometimes you can't get through the displays. people push their carts out in front of you. the cars thems self run out of battery life , they may simply stop on their own. People browse the shelves leaving their carts in the middle of the aisle, two neighbors stop their carts to catch up on gossip. Other cart users, usually 600lb older men stare you down and expect you to give way. Now when yu get to the checkout the checkers are usually extremely helpful. They may unload the basket then reload it and offer carry out. and load the car. They really are a mixed blessing but for now i cant walk that far.
When I was leaving in the parking lot yesterday, the young lady was helping her dad get into their vehicle. He seemed to be far away mentally. I think his issue may have been more mental. I really hope she saw what happened and takes measures to limit him driving in a store. It's just not safe, imo.
I am not going back. I just have to remind myself that I promised to try to be strong and courageous this year. Remind myself about no more obligations... I'm done venting.... Until next weekend or the next .. when they drop by unannounced...
What does the rest of your family think of these people and your former religion? Could any of them help?
The next time they show up, don't let them inside of the house. If they refuse to leave tell them you are going to call the police.
As for my former religion. It's a mess. I didn't realize how political religion can be within! There's the traditional vs the neo. And well... there's a huge scandal right now of priests raping the altar boys several decades ago. It all started when a cousin found out that his cousin was raped by @#!*... and so he went to the news and outed the @#!* Nobody believed him and verbally attacked him. Raped cousin former altar boy refused to say anything.. After that, the floodgates opened. Other men started stepping forward saying that he was raped, too.... Nope, not going there! =)
It's fine, Cwillie. Today's event just pushed me to make a decision. And I did.
Good call cmag!
I haven't had family do that kind of thing, but, I have had friends do something similar. I'm no longer friends with them.
I'm not big on organized religion, but, I do consider myself spiritual and I recently started attending a church of my choice that I enjoy attending. This place has good people, low key, no bullying or insanity. That's important in a church, imo. ( I grew up in one that was evil. I'm not kidding.)
I hope you can find some peace. I'm curious as to how it turns out. (Why won't they leave you alone)
You could just go to the door and tell them you are no longer interested in associating with them and please remove you from their list of worshipers. Please do not come to my house again. Since my father's death i am now head of the household and if you come on my property again I will have to call the police and obtain a restraining order against you and you collegues.
If you can't do this face to face just write them a letter resigning from their church.
If all else fails ask your favorite spirit to break a couple of legs next time they turn up.
So, I decided to turn to the land spirit and gave them permission to hurt any outsiders snooping or taking things without permission. I said that it can make them so sick that no white man's medicine can cure them. The only solution was for these intruders to ask it (the spirit) for forgiveness. ... After nephew's lecture, I no longer ask the spirits to hurt people. Or scare them.
I still haven't received my 20% copayment billing for my endoscopy and colonoscopy in August. I have the $1,000.00 set aside for it. I keep eyeing it. I really don't want to touch that money and then the bill comes in. Anyway, whatever is leftover after the bill comes in, will be going to my emergency fund.
If you want to find out exactly what will be due without alerting billing, call youd insurance company.
I think doctors and lawyers think it is okay to bill a year later. They do think that, and do bill later, so you are very wise to save that money. But try not to worry or think too much about it.
At consultation before surgery, they gave me a paper with the total cost for each procedure and my 20% copayment. They said that they will first process it through my insurance. Then, they will bill me the balance. Okay, I will wait and try not to look at my online balance.
I had to check the spelling, don't know if I have ever read or written it before. 😂
If being firm with your mother doesn't work, you might have to look at using your POA to force a mental competence assessment and going for guardianship. But with a bit of fast talking and nimble footwork on your part it shouldn't come to that.
Your mother's bereavement (and yours) is recent. For you, life has gone on. For her, she doesn't have anything else to go on with. She does need more diverse input and she will, if she doesn't already, need the continuous care of a facility if she is to get past this terrible phase of her life, even if we ignore the possibility of dementia.
It's a guess, but I'm going to bet that if you do role-play your father just to the extent of being firm and decisive about this move, you will actually give your mother huge reassurance. You'll relieve her of complex decisions that many of us would struggle with at the best of times, and you'll be someone she can lean on to see her safe and cared for.
Legally, as things stand, you can't make her do anything - your POA cannot override her wishes unless she is found to be mentally incapacitated. But practically and emotionally, I think she'll be glad if you do take over. Just don't expect her to thank you straight away.
A few days ago, I was craving chicken soup. So, I had it for lunch on Thursday. By Friday late afternoon, my throat was hurting. Friday night, it was screaming in pain. This morning at work, I felt the urge to cough. Oh no! After leaving the office at 12:30pm, I went to the grocery store. Bought 2 Tussim DM Max cough medicine, Ricola cough drops, Cepacol (never tried this but sis' doctor recommended it to her), 1 box of chicken broth, 2 can of chicken veg soup.
The bag 'boy' was an older man (maybe age 84?). He took one look at me and said that he would help me carry my 1 recycle bag of grocery for me. I told him no need. I can carry it. He insisted. In the meantime, I was telling the cashier a humorous incident I had on mistakenly putting my bought grocery in a box (instead of bags). By the time I got to the car, I reached into the cart, (and I mimicked bending over and my hands reaching down) to pick up the box. I then said it was so heavy, I couldn't even pick it up! (I did the jerky motion of trying repeatedly to lift the box.) .. The young cashier (in her 20's) burst out laughing so hard. =)
On the way to my car, the elderly gentleman & I walked. We were both talking to one another as if we've known each other. (Ahem, never met him before. He's a new bag 'boy'.) When I reached into my purse to give him a tip, he was so fast to move away from me and refused it. I left that grocery store with a wide smile. The cashier and the bag 'boy' just made my day.
Jim, make an appointment with a geriatric psychiatrist for your mom. Take her to lunch and then to the appointment. Don't ask her. Don't tell her before. Just take her.
It's very hard for some of us to get out of the mode of asking our parent's permission and seeking their approval.
At this point, you have to do what you know is best for her and you.
I would also make appointments to see ALs. Don't ask. Tell her.
I felt bad that I took the rein of power from him. I never forced him to do what he didn't want. I've tried reasoning, bribing, and even calling 911, APS, elder law attorney, etc.. all told me that as long as my dad was competent, then they will not interfere. So... I learned to be sneaky, and praised him when he made the 'right' decision. He always appreciated that. Just as I always appreciated his 'thank you'.
You can offer to take her 'strolling'. Or offer to take her out to lunch and just happen to drop by the AL.