This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
There are some pros and cons to this:
Pro - I was able to bury my deceased dog yesterday, because the ground was still frozen when he died a few weeks ago. I was getting increasingly anxious about it, because as every day got warmer, I kept worrying about him in his "cold storage" space, becoming...well, less cold. So I feel a little better now that it's done.
Con - the ice is *gone* from the lakes and rivers far too early this year. Pretty sure there have been more than a few ice fishing shanties that ended up in the lakes because the owners didn't get them off the ice in time. The thaw happened quickly. The "ice bridge" that is used to go back and forth (on snowmobiles) to Mackinac Island every year is gone way before it normally is, and there's open water under the bridge. High winds 2 days ago broke up 16"-18" thick pieces of ice and piled them up against the shoreline - and up - and up - until they were within just a few feet of the houses along the shore. Dangerous stuff - but pretty - it's called "blue ice" because as it breaks up and piles up on the shore, it takes on a blue cast. Look up "blue ice mackinaw city" on Youtube for a good video of it.
I am sorry to hear about the loss of your sweet doggy. Thinking of you. Sending you hugs.
I'm fortunate with the anniversary of my dad's death. I dread it but then I remember everything that happened that day and I have to smile. My dad passed on July 1, 1991. The only day available for his funeral was July 4th at 1:00. It was in his hometown in WV which happens to be the U.S. Town with the biggest small town 4th of July celebration. It's been shown a couple of times on national television. On the evening of the wake, they were having fireworks in town. Traffic was terrible and there was a carnival with rides next door to the funeral home. There was another family in a different room but the funeral home put the wrong room for the viewing in the news paper, so all of these people from way out in the country kept coming in and asking why it was a closed casket. We got thru that. The day of the funeral was the big parade (tractors, fire trucks with sirens blaring, etc.). My father was not religious and the preacher didn't have a lot to work with. Anyway, we Finished and went thru the parade traffic to the cemetery. Everyone got there finally. The preacher did a brief service. Just as he said Amen, lightening cracked, loud thunder and a total downpour. I can't help but smile. My son says it's the only time he had ever attended a combined 4th of July and funeral. My dad loved firecrackers and had a huge collection in his shed. That evening my son and one of dad's neighbors shot off every firecracker he had. My dad had a great send off that he would have loved.
My elderly mother is getting more irrational and accusing me of not listening to her.
She was whining about how I 'accomplish' the taking out of the recycling. So I listened to her for 5mins., being irrational. I finally put a stop to it, again. She finally understood how I did it. Also that it was right.
Her irrational behavior started because she suddenly started worrying about the contractor dropping the paper recycling. I told my mother. That is not my fault if the contractor drops any of the recycling. I wasn't going to do the recycling for that sole purpose.
She will be 78 in November. It will only get worse.
Mom was thoroughly convinced that living in a hoarded house with escalating deferred maintenance was THE answer. If I suggested anything normal –– like spending a mere $400-$500 of her gazillion dollars on a washer that actually works right AND having the trusted neighbor install it (not a stranger!) -- I'd be on the receiving end of so much fury and so many "yes buts" I couldn't think straight.
Mom REFUSED to believe that she did not have to separate her recycling to the Nth degree when I schlepped her recycling to my borough's recycling drop-off. (I honestly don't think Mom needed to separate to that degree for her own municipality's recycling. But once Mom latched onto any sort of self-induced, unproductive time-wasting minutia, it became part of her identity. Forget reasoning.)
Mom HAD to shred every piece of mail she received, so "they" don't know her name and address and "do something goofy with my identity or rob my house." I made the mistake of explaining that her name and address is.....on the front of her house, in the White Pages, in the church directory and in the database of every charity and catalog she's cozied up to over the past 20 years -- not to mention the trillion times those organizations sold her contact info to other hucksters. And that alone is not pernicious. It's life. For all of us. OH BROTHER, my explanation set her off.
No answers here. Just hang in there, Chris. Do whatever you need to do to preserve your own sanity. Get outdoors. Get on your bike. Clear your head. Grab any opportunity for a reset. Even if it's just 5 or 10 minutes.
My 'Reset' button will need a replacement.
Have your elderly relatives taken to 'diagnosing' you with this illness, or that illness?
I am asking because I was wondering if it was a sign of something in my elderly parents'.
Over the past ten years. I have been told by my parents', I have:
1. Fuchs Dystrophy
2. Sleep Apnea
3. Etc.
I am not in denial. But they keep saying I might have this, or that. Whatever 'this, or that' is. Always changes.
Look up Munchaussen syndrome. No, you don't have it! They do. By proxy.
Keep in mind you are not there to be studied by anyone. It really irks me that people get excited finding out my dH's diagnosis, they want to do their thesis about him.
You are you, surviving nicely no doubt. Keep standing your ground.
Your family could help by respecting you more. imo.
But I certainly know what you mean by Munchausens Syndrome. It certainly feels' like that.
There were several more 'ailments', that they think I have. They haven't 'butchered' my younger brother with all this 'diagnosing'.
When parents become intrusive, one could respond by saying:
Discussion of my health concerns are between me and my doctor.
However, if they are in some way supervising your health and supposed to be helping you, I can understand your frustration and desire for independence. You could say,
"When did you get your M.D. licences?"
My guess is that they bring this up whenever, they just blurt it out, even in front of other family or friends? It may seem like you are "the identified patient" in the family even though they have those diagnoses. This serves to make them feel better, thinking something is wrong with you.
It also sounds like your family is dealing with multiple issues that make it hard not only on just you, but all of you. Be kind to each other, give each other a break. And stop doing things that stress you out, that you should not be doing, for your own health.
See if there is a class, a program, a group meeting that will get you out of the house in the daytimes. Learn to manage your time so that you won't look like you are just hanging around, ready to be a target for your mother.
Hope this was helpful, even if I didn't get your specific situation correct.
I tell them, what they fear. It is exactly that, fear. It isn't the truth or any official diagnosis.
The only thing in regards to my health, that they are involved in, is paying for my catastrophic health insurance policy.
Yes, Whenever. My elderly mother uses the severity of my (physical)health as a way to put me down.
My parents' have been divorced since I was 3(51 in May 2018) have not individually had any major issues of recent. Except for the aging process.
If the weather was better, I would be out on my (road)bike for a multi-hour ride. I want to get back into martial arts and (Ten-Pin)bowling.
I keep my doors' closed when my mother is awake.
Bluebird, what I'm trying to say is that I had to learn the hard way that we may try to force our parent to eat but the body will not accept it if the body is beginning to shut down. You, me - we cannot stop the process. In the end, my siblings and I tried to make mom as comfortable as possible. We took turns talking to her, keeping her clean, and trying so hard to get hospice service to help her in her pain. No one does home visits. So mom died without hospice. I'm so glad that your mom has hospice service. Just go with the flow of your mom's body. Deal with caregiver's guilt of not doing enough (when in reality we have.) Be there for her, even if it's just in short conversations, etc... All these little things will help you in the future to counter-act the caregiver's guilt... I'm currently going through this with my father's passing.
Last week we did doctors every single day. My brother took Dad to his doctor on Monday and he had a dizzy spell on the way in the door. BP was 90/30. They discontinued 2 meds, checked him out, and sent him home, telling him he needed to start using a cane or a walker. Tuesday I went to a post-op visit for my leg surgery. Wednesday Dad got an MRI of the brain (we told him it was to see if he had one) - lots of age related change but no sign of stroke or tumor. Thursday we went back to the doctor for X-rays (since Medicare won't pay for MRIs and xrays the same day). No fall related problems but his spine is a mess with disc space "obliterated." Friday I was back to my own doctor with possible abdominal problems.
So it's been stressful. Today Dad announces that he doesn't need to use the cane because he's walking "just as well as he did before." After telling me he was in excruciating pain on Thursday, today he's apparently just fine. He's not listening to me, he's not understanding when he does pay even a little attention, and I'm providing assisted living for him in his home (I moved in with him 2.5 hours ago, taking early retirement and moving from CT to TX to take care of him).
But I'm ready to just let him go out on his own w/o a cane. If he falls, he falls. Tonight I really do not care. I really don't. I don't even feel that bad about saying it. He's a stubborn old man who has announced he plans to die in his house and will NOT go to "one of those places." I'm tired and cranky - and know I need to be taking care of myself or I can't take care of him. I have a brother who lives 2.5 hours away and does come for frequent multi-day visits, and he came at the drop of a hat when Dad fell, but mostly it all falls on me. Whine, whine, whine.
I just can't seem to get her off my mind. I've done some assessment scoring and though, I know those things aren't always accurate.....I wonder if she has even 3 months left.
I feel isolated most of the time. I used to help 4 days a week at a food commodity distribution center sorting veggies and fruits by family size to be packed and given as they came in. Always went to Church services, taught on Wednesday night, visited elderly and attended game fellowship nights etc. Now it is hard to get respite to do things like going to dump, getting chicken feed & litter, fish food, cat supplies, Dr for myself or my meds. Mom doesn't talk to me much. One or two from Church call occasionally. Her brothers in Alabama call once in a while just to ask a quick hows it going. I'm just needing hugs... physical contact I guess. Hospice comes in but are only around a few minutes. Care other than a nurse coming more often is less than I was getting with the Council on Aging as far as her personal care. Since they took over mom does not get into the shower on the chair like before. Her strength is waning so much faster. I know getting better is not their focus. And if I believed that is all she is capable of I would not feel like we are just sitting and waiting for her die. Can't let her see me cry or be angry. I want to scream. I don't think she is ready.
I need a new toner cartridge for my multifunction printer. She said I should use one of the cartridge's she buys in bulk for her printer. I knew they wouldn't work. But when I actually, physically try to get one of those toner cartridges'. She asks me why I am doing that. I tell her because she told me to do that. So she goes in my bedroom and starts messing with my printer. That is when she finds out what I already told her. That I need a different toner cartridge.
Another example of her not listening.
is there any possibility of you moving out into some kind of group home where you will only be responsible for yourself.
Do you have a social worker you can talk to?
I don't think Mom is not listening I believe she simply does not understand what you are telling her and in her confusion she does things wrong. I don't know if she has a dementia diagnosis but if she does this is a progression of the disease. Can you talk to her Dr? or send a letter to him/her?
We can only make suggestions based on what you tell us and although people sympathize you have to get real people to intervene
To lead up to this request, tell your priest/pastor that due to you following God's command to take care of your elderly parent, that it has taken all of you physically to do it. Now, you're spirituality is suffering because you can't attend Sunday services regularly like before. Tell him that you miss hearing his sermons, miss hearing about God and your fellow worshipers.... I think all good, caring religious leaders will appreciate that you enjoyed/listened to their sermon and that you are aware of your spiritual need and hunger. If he truly cares for every single parishioner in his congregation/parish, your priest/pastor will find a way to feed your spiritual need.
Sigh... Sometimes, I felt so guilty because when I felt my spiritual hunger flare up, I would turn on the radio and flip through all those religious channels until I found a SOOTHING religious sermon. I didn't want to hear fear/damnation or what God requires of me. I wanted a sermon to soothe my soul because caregiving and life stresses were drowning me. Trust me, as you channel surf, your spiritual hunger will definitely let you know which channel it wants to hear. When you do find it, remember the time and the radio/tv station.