This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
HIPPA does not apply to those in jail or prison. Because each facility has a 'search locator' link on their website. The only ones' not listed, are those in the penal system under protective custody.
Fave sis just told me that they will be moving off-island on a one-way ticket. Her nurse daughter wants to also leave on a one-way ticket.
My boss asked me how I was doing. I was going to say my usual answer 'fine.' Instead, I told him the truth. I'm so stressed out, I have high cholesterol and a high risk for a heart attack. And I don't think I will survive this constant stress. I'm not on medication because it affects my thinking. But I now have to go back on the meds if I don't want to have a heart attack.....
Physician assistant wanted to prescribe me anxiety meds. I just looked at her, and she said we can put that on the back burner. My bad cholest went up from a 175 to 198. She wanted to put me on a high dosage meds. I told her how my body reacts to taking the normal 2 pills of Nyquil. How it literally knocked me out, I had trouble waking up from the alarm, and was at work at 9:00 am with my brain still very woozy. She said, "Oh. You're sensitive to medicine. Let's start you on the lowest dosage, 3 months from now check your bloodwork, and go from there if we need to up the dosage."
I was given a deadline by my religion on what I think of my spirituality. I'm already being shunned by other members. And I was very upset that after 3 months of my dad's passing, I was told that I have 'no excuse' for not putting God first in my life. I had another meeting this past Easter - which is when I was given a deadline to tell them where I stand.. I have agonized over this. My hands started shaking every time I thought of it. Stress, stress and more stress. I have decided. On our next appointment, I will bring my typed letter of withdrawal from my religion.
Good news? My boss asked me if I ever thought of taking a real vacation. He knows that I'm struggling financially and for me to buy a $1700-$2100 ticket is beyond my means. He has offered to use his points to buy me a ticket. He should have it available in July. I can use it - but I'm stuck with what's available, the route it offers and I can't be choosy... Oh my ... I'm torn. I was planning to take 15 days off (need 3 days of literally flying time, so that means 12 days spent on the ground with fave niece.) We will see...
In my relatively small (300 member) faith community, we support each other in times of stress and anxiety. When a member is working a hard job and caregiviing, there are members who are Social Workers and Counselors who step up to provide advice on assistance, members who can do some respite care, that sort of thing. When we receive help like this, we try to "pay it back" or "pay it forward"--either by "doing" for someone else or donating funds that will help in other ways.
I guess I don't "get" a religion that seeks, even inadvertently, to add more stress to your life. Do you think that's what God wants, for you to be stressed by your belief system?
What does "putting God first" look like, to these folks? Donating money, time, prayers? Where they "there for you" during your years of caregiving?
Sorry about the financial struggles. I understand. I sold a good bit of my own jewelry that I wasn't wearing anymore and I was happy for the money. Do you have anything of value that you aren't attached to and wouldn't mind selling...? That could help you out.
I don't know anything about cholesterol but... minding diet and getting regular exercise is what we're all supposed to do to keep ourselves healthy. Exercise helps anxiety and stress levels, too. I'm about 2 months into my new workout program and I notice that I don't have as much bad anxiety as I used to have prior to starting. I know it's SO difficult to start a workout routine when you're already working all the time and tired the other times. This was my problem, that I didn't see how to fit in a workout. Right now, a trainer comes to me in the morning before work. Do you have a friend who wants to start exercising and the two of you can meet for walks before work, or right after? I've learned a lot about simple exercises done with exercise bands. No need for a gym membership, just use an exercise band at home. It will help your stress levels, I know it will. I also know it's hard to find time or energy... but it will help you to feel better in long run.
Many, many HUGS to you, Book. I'm sorry you're feeling this way.
Your love for God is complete. As is.
Acceptable and accepted.
No middlemen needed.
In return, God provides strength and comfort to his believers without interference.
Your worthiness and the validity of your faith do not hinge on the approval of judgmental intermediaries.
You are not in a crisis of faith. You are in a crisis of conditioning.
Now here’s the good news: You are free to challenge the conditioning without losing God’s love.
Any organization or tradition that seeks to undermine your self-esteem should be evaluated with logic and critical thinking. Even if that organization or tradition has been with you your whole life.
God loves you just the way you are, Book. And you can love him back just the way you are.
It must be so difficult to keep your own space within your own boundaries in such a confined community.
But... are you sure you're listening to the right people? I bet not everyone feels the same as your faith group, or is so quick to tell you what you should be doing or how you ought to be feeling. What about the people who really love and care about you? Don't do what it's too easy for us all to do, and pay too much attention to the critics.
So very sorry your sister and niece are leaving. That is major, and if it were just that, you could be shaking. This is your fave sis, your family. I wish you could go too.
Rejection from organized religion, or even from your fellowship and elders can leave you shaking, that too is major. One can google support online when deciding to leave.
My sister left a cult when she was divorced, and decided NOT to participate in their "excommunication" process, did not attend any more meetings to disfellowship her once she saw what was happening. They can do their thing in absentia, without you deciding anything, imo. You don't have to attend. Tell them you are working for a living.
Not saying yours is a cult, but hers was. Hard to leave, really major. The members will be required to reject/shun you anyway.
High cholesterol is not a medical emergency, it can be controlled by diet and a lifestyle change, over time, it takes time, so relax, even that can help your heart.
Finances-reach out to big bro if you can. You should NOT, imo, be supporting a two person household. IMO. Are you being exploited for the kind person that you are?
You can become unstuck from all these pressures, Book. Let us know how we can help you get free, but remain responsible for yourself.
Thanks for reaching out to your friends here today.
I am so happy you are going to submit your letter of resignation. Don't let them pressure you any more, especially about staying with them.
I agree with everyone -keep your lifestyle as simple as possible, and do what is good for you. Care for yourself now.
What about you moving off island?
I'm trying to sell my car rather than having to rent a car trailer behind the U-Haul.
My sister the executor isn't doing anything about paying bills and she said she had removed money from Mom's checking account, so I decided today to go to the bank tomorrow for a statement of this month's activity (I'm on the account so it's fine) to ensure there's enough money to pay Mom's auto-deduct bills. I'm terrified they're bouncing. If there's enough money, then I'm walking away and not bothering about it. If they're bouncing, then I'll notify the lawyer. He needs to snap my sister out of her funk.
So, this afternoon trying to print out a letter to my nephew to mail off his inheritance (a little truck), which I had agreed to do before all #$%^ broke loose from my sisters accusing me of elder abuse (which they finally had to agree there was none when they saw my records and my notes and the receipts of how I handled Mom's money). Of course, one guess when the printer decided to run out of ink?! Of course, no letter to Nephew! So I ran to Walmart, gee, no ink. Thankfully Office Max was open. Yay!
Ran home and knelt to take off my shoes. I was wearing one leather shoe and one tennis shoe. *sigh*
Barb, CWillie, BlackHole, Send - I searched within myself. It's time to quit my religion. No, it's no longer a source of happiness when I first joined in my early 20's. As an adult in my 50s, I see that to continue in this religion will be a constant stress for every meeting and every religious obligations. When my dad died, I swore that I was no longer going to do Obligations. This religion is filled with it. I am no longer that young person. I'm a bit bitter at the moment.
Glad, I need to do this the formal way. (They might just drop by my work and ask me for a meeting date.) It requires 2 of them to meet with me and discuss the seriousness and consequences of my actions. It will not be the end. They will still do unannounced visits to the house to try to bring back the 'lost sheep' back to the fold. You are correct. The only way to truly get away - is to leave this island. I'm not ready for that.
ABB, CWillie - I do need to exercise daily. That was always my doctors advice throughout the past decade about my high cholesterol. My eating habit is not the contributing factor at all. It's the stress and inactivity. Well, it also runs in the family. I will try to do the exercising but my heart is not in it.
Golden, I also agree that it's the continued stress from my past caregiving. I still sometimes think of Dad and feel so bad that I never stopped that last morning he was alive to ask him why he was so sad looking. I went through this too when mom died. The caregiver's guilt.. Thanks for the comment about my resignation letter.
Don't be embarassed. I'm sure the aide has dealt with this sort of thing before. If she hasn't, you explain that mother has problems thinking rationally, and that it would help if she (the aide) could try not to take it personally.
Also, the aide needs to know that YOU are in charge of whether she goes to mom's or not, not mom. "Oh, but Mr. Jim said I was to be here at this time today; we will have to call him to check if I can leave". Instruct the aide to call YOU if mom is belligerent or uncooperative.
Consider if mom might have a UTI and not just being passive aggressive. Is your mom under the care of a geriatric psychiatrist? There are meds that help with paranoia, I'm told.
Regarding the burns; how often is mom at home alone? She may not be able to live without 24/7 care any longer. Or with a working stove.
Call her doctor and tell him/her about the burns. Ask what action you can take as she is going to injure herself severely if she doesn't get into full time care.
Sound really desperate (hint--you are!)
I believe God is with us always. He knows what's in your heart. Unconditionally he loves us. Send your letter and find peace my friend. You are strong. I think everyone on here is smart, strong and brave. If we were not fighters, nor tough and loving, we all would not be here sharing our struggles and trying to help others as we receive help for ourselves!
Could you get a restraining order for those religious leaders and thus make it illegal for them to continue to come on your property? I guess that you could put up a No Trespassing Sign and charge them with trespassing. There must be some legal way to stop those people. I guess you could consider getting one of those dogs for protection which would mean you would have to put up signs that said, "Beware of Dog." Better yet, don't get a dog, but put up signs that say "Beware of Dog" right on the entrance to your property.