This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
By the way, my new eye glasses cost $521.00. The lady looked up in surprise when I said that $521 is great. She replied that most people complain that it’s expensive. I said that my current eye glasses cost me $800. ... Ohhhh, I continued.... that’s $521 NOT including my eye exam, isn’t it? She said it’s only the glasses. Sigh... when I went up to pay for it... $732. I hope it comes in time before my trip. ..
There were others who were ahead of us. When I was done looking at deceased aunty in the coffin, I turned to look at my uncle. He loved showing public affection to his wife. She always told him to behave. He was just sitting there while his adult children were standing and greeting people... I looked at Uncle. He was devastated. (I think he's also on the road to senility.) In all these years, Uncle and I always joked around with each other every time we met at the Post Office. I looked at him. He looked at me. I stood there, opened my arms really wide and looked at him. He stood up and we just hugged so hard. I didn't say anything. Just hugged him. After that, he continued to stand and greet those behind me. {He was manfully sniffling. I was delicately sniffling.}
It's now 10pm. I looked in the mirror. My eyes are still a bit red from silently weeping hours ago. D*rn! I didn't know it was obvious that I was crying. No wonder, male 1st cousin was so solicitous towards me. …. I dread the funeral this Saturday.
Remember when I fell in July 1st? Well, the arm that got hurt the most at the time, which the xray showed no fracture? It's been hurting since last week. I will try to go as a walk-in tomorrow at the clinic even though they don't accept walk-ins on Saturdays. They're all booked up (as usual).
Can you do something that will take your mind off everything completely? You are terribly stressed and it's making everything worse, don't you think?
It's good your husband has You to lean on.Take care~
Praying for you and your family.
So sorry for your loss.
It is okay that you have not cried.
Very sorry that you are hurting.
It bothered me that I couldn't cry over her death. I figured maybe I was mourning her death even before she finally died. Every time mom lost her old self (stopped talking, stopped eating, stopped swallowing, etc...), I was mourning her loss. So, when she finally died, I was all mourned out..
The other thing that kept circling in my mind - that there was something wrong with me. Why couldn't I cry for her being dead? Maybe I was damaged goods from my dysfunctional childhood.
Anyway, the good news is about 18 months later, out of the blue, one night, I started crying so hard. It was the deep inside crying. I recalled being sooooo confused on Why was I crying? I kept crying and crying. And then, towards the end, a deep sadness hit me. And a thought popped in my head - Mom. I finally cried over mom's death 18 months after she died.
My dad passed away July of last year. I was closer to my dad than I was to my mom. I'm still waiting to cry over his death...
So don't be overly concerned that you haven't cried for your husband. There's nothing wrong with you. Each person has a way of dealing with death. Mine took 18 months later. Yours? It Will hit you - sooner or later. It will come when you least expect it. My sincere condolences! {{HUGS}}
It takes time. I was caregiving for my grandmother for only about a year before she passed; you were married for 45 years?! It's going to be an adjustment for you to be without him, but you'll slowly work your way through it.
Come here to talk about how you're feeling, if you want to. I think it'd be helpful for you.
I have arthritis in my neck and spasm. I figured it was arthritis or pinched nerve. But spasm??? I quickly responded, "I have spasm?" He showed it to me in the x-ray (which just looks like gray coloring...) He also showed the arthritis in my neck bones - every single neck bone has signs of arthritis. He said that a normal neck curves. My neck is straight up/down. He took his pen and aligned it to my neck x-ray - see, no curve but straight up/down.
Recommendation: anti-inflammatory painkillers, use heating pad for back of my neck, find the right mattress/pillow and …. I need to do away with the wedge pillow (for my acid reflux) because it's putting strain on my neck -being elevated too high...
I have decided that it's time for me to use my dad's hospital bed. It's the only solution if I'm to do away with the wedge pillow. I can crank up the bed to a slightly elevated position and - I no longer need to use 2 pillow below my legs to prevent me from sliding down the wedge pillow. I can always elevate the bottom part of the hospital bed...
For the next few nights, I will be googling everything I can read about neck arthritis - what to expect years down the road, what to eat to avoid inflaming it, exercises, etc... and most of all, to read other people's experiences of their neck arthritis.
Oh! I also need to research on how to prepare for cruises. I did some tentative searches. I need to bring magnets, night light (room can get really dark at night) and my own refillable water bottle (to help cut cost of buying water - just refill my bottle when I go eat breakfast, lunch, dinner...)
Trying Dad's hospital bed is a good place to start, but I persoanlly can never get really comfortable. What works for me is to sleep in a recliner with a small soft pillow or rolled towel behind my neck. Lots of meds can be tried both OTC and prescription. A heating pad also provides a lot of relief. Have you considered one of those foam neck collars?
If you use a recliner you can recline it down to about 45 degrees, raise the legs and put a big soft pillow under your knees. That way your acid reflux is also taken care of.
If you are going cruising during the vacation make sure you have a nice soft scarf to wear round your neck when on deck so the neck does not get chilled by sea breezes.
I had no idea they charged for water on cruises. Your own water bottle won't be exactly sterile after you have used it a few times either Make sure it is really drinkable. It might just be with the extra money to buy the bottled water, there are so many infections on cruise liners.
What do you need the magnets for?
I might also add a few disinfecting wipes as well to clean off bathroom surfaces door knobs etc and some hand sanitizer.
You are such a delicate flower Book so take any precaution you can to stay safe and don't forget to have fun