This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
I was planning to bring my thin black scarf. I don't know what kind of material it is but I discovered that it works very well in cold weather like 60 degrees. I also have a thicker knitted scarf (freebie from an online order, but color is so...pale.) Based on your comment, I think I will also bring the freebie. Thanks.
Pamzim, I had googled NCL and reviews. In their website, they have pre-purchased discounts on bottled water. That's when I realized that I would have to buy bottled water onboard. I always have a bottle of water by my bed when I sleep. I tend to wake up coughing and choking (acid reflux). Sendhelp once mentioned that she drinks water when this happens to her at night. So, I've been doing that, too. It really does help. Anyway, it costs $23.00 for a six-pack bottled water. We're going on a 7-day cruise.
Funny, how one would hear a song and it just brings back all these memories. And I find myself missing him. At least we talked. Now, I have no one to talk to when I'm home. Oldest sis is just not into talking. She's a hermit living in her bedroom 24/7. Only comes out to smoke and eat, then back to her room.
My dad's brother was taken to the hospital today. I don't know what's wrong with him and I wish him well. His wife, my aunty, passed away a few months ago..... I'm tired of people just dying left and right. People I know. People whom I'm closely related to. They've been dying one after another this past 18months, I can't even remember the chronological order of their deaths.
My dad died in July of last year. My aunty (dad's brother's wife), my female first cousin (mom's brother's oldest daughter) died of cancer, then my male first cousin (dad's sister's son) died of health issues, my aunty (my mom's sister) died of cancer, and then my first cousin's husband (dad's brother's daughter's husband) died of health issues (he had cancer). It's like when will it stop?
I am taking care of my mother who when I was a child was kind of indifferent.
I have a older sister who was her favorite. What a terrible way to a little girl to live after dad and mom got divorced she took everything out on me. I look like my dad. I had no one to take my side
So fast forward 52 years and I am the one caring for her. Now don't get me wrong I've grown to love my mom in away but not like a daughter would love her mother.
Yes! sometimes I feel like walking away but she lives in my home so that's out of the question. The older sister is free to do what she and her husband please. Comes by sometimes but her favorite mother she seems to have forgotten.
I just put mom on hospice today. My sister's own children told her Auntie needs help but there is a excuse of her business she runs from her home saying no time what do they want her to do.
While mom was mobile they spent a lot of time together now that mom can't do for herself it's a problem.
So I understand your feelings. It's called being human. I pray to god for this feeling to leave me. Maybe God gave us this task for us to grow. Whatever the case here we all are doing the most difficult task he's given us.
I do the same thing everyday get up look in her room to see if she's awake. if so I clean her up and try to make her eat a little. Oh I forgot to mention I'm married to a second husband who lives in his house because mom was to terrible when she first moved here. Can't get along with a Diva.
So I have to take care of him, my mom and a little dog. He is understanding to a point but you know men. They want all your attention. So here I am being pulled from all directions.
I say to you. God is going to bless you for your for sacrifice. I think he gave it to us because the others are not as strong.
I am 65 now mom's been with me for 7 this august. My only hope is I get to spent at least 12 healthy years with my husband doing what we like to do....
Hang in there Jam don't give up.....
No more texts from BIL about rising interest rates and why weren’t things moving faster. Now it’s just getting the paperwork ready for the accountant, file returns, and such. It’s kind of good to be able to finally deal with just grief, without having the practical to dos mucking things up. Tomorrow, I’ll start wrapping presents and begin recharging.
Her : I am mad at you.
Me.: Why?
Her: You are not eating such and such.
After half day without having a say even in what comes in my mouth, she asks for her tablet. Instead of Netflix I pay for she asks for alien videos on YouTube.
Her: but stay here with me.
Finally my father arrives (There's no sunday or day off near hollidays) , I think about some alone time, another 15 minutes my SIL arrives with her 2 daughters to use the pool.
MY MOTHER: son, go stay with them, I am not feeling well And someone needs to be host.
So... I am outside, sweating, flies around , fighting the phone autocorrect and playing lifesaver
Sheesh!
We all need to vent sometimes.
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From the June 2018 Reader's Digest under All in a Day's Work:
It was my first night caring for an elderly patient. When he grew sleepy, I wheeled his chair as close to the bed as possible and, using the techniques I'd learned in school, grasped him in a bear hug to lift him onto the bed. But I couldn't clear the top of the mattress. So I grabbed him again, summoned all my might, & hoisted him onto the bed.
When the night shift nurse arrived, I recounted what had happened.
"Funny," she said, looking puzzled. "Usually I just ask him to get in bed, and he does."
Today I ran away. We are usually on our own for weekends, but I got someone for this afternoon because a young friend invited me to her baby shower. It was a one-hour drive on a bitter cold day, but it was wonderful! Small group, some I knew, and 4 little kids playing on the floor in the middle. What wonderful energy the young have! And 2 grandmothers-to-be my age to share with. I even enjoyed the 2 hours driving today, as it was way out in the country, little traffic, and lots of alone time to enjoy. It was good to see the lakes were finally iced enough to see ice fishing shacks out, and people enjoying the snow. I even tried a car wash, to get that pile of ice off my car roof. Nope, it doesn't work. Thanks, it feels good to share my good day with you.
But, now, here comes the wind.
Pamz, enjoy your casino vacay. Casinos - with the restaurants and spas and all of that - can be very fun vacations. I'm heading to Vegas Feb 2-6 for first time since driving back through with some of my stuff that I was hauling back across the country in Oct 2012. I'm looking forward to it but plan to keep the fun levels pretty tame, not overdo it. I had a room comp, too! I have no idea WHY, since I haven't gambled there in years and don't use players rewards programs or anything. But The Cosmopolitan sent me an offer for free room for several nights, and I just decided to go, too good an offer to pass up. I'm meeting my music buddy from Seattle out there.
Glad, I remember you mentioned that you were missing some sterling flatware set when you first moved, and you were concerned, but then you came across it. I moved at the end of last Sept and all this time this 8oz .970 silver necklace has been missing. I found it tonight, I had stashed it in a lined box and buried it in a box of books. I couldn't think WHERE I would have put it. Feels very good to have found it finally.
Pam's water damage is awful. Good that daughter will now get coverage for items she was planning on replacing. What a mess.
I long for my life back too. Does that mean we want our parents dead? Absolutely not! Reality sets in and we realize we will not get our lives back as they once were. Those days are long gone. At least for those of us who have our loved one in our homes.
My mother is spoiled too. It’s such a mixed bag of emotions dealing with this. For me, initially I had this impossible dream of making mom’s time with me as lovely as possible for her, so much so that I neglected myself, husband and children. Something is out of whack with that picture as many on this site have pointed out to me.
So, I started doing more research to find answers. It’s time consuming and even confusing in some areas but I have to work through it. I’m hoping to gather all the information that I can to do what is best for everyone concerned.
Then I won’t constantly wonder how things could have been handled differently to make life more meaningful and comfortable for all. I encourage you to do the same. I wish I would have been in the correct frame of mind to start on things sooner.
I’ve dealt with and still do, anxiety (what if?) and depression (grief over my whole life is dedicated to mom), even suppressed anger at times (missing out on life), exhaustion (mental and physical) and that has to stop. I can no longer be at peace with being stuck, and at least try to find some answers to certain situations.
I am in your shoes, other than I have children but they don’t live very close and after going through this with mom, I don’t want to be a burden on them. I hope I can plan a better future for me.
I don’t have money for a fancy assisted living place. I surely hope I will at least be in a place where I am cared for with dignity and respect. Or just die quickly the way my grandma did. That is what she prayed for and that is how she went. I’d like that too.
I’ve been off work and my brother has been out to help take care of her house and i literally cannot get out of bed. For me, a major upset also makes me not want to eat, and I recognize that, and i have a supportive husband and dog, and they want to cheer me up too.
I feel guilty that I did not get mom to the GE doctor sooner, it turned out she had a majorly narrowed esophagus, which they took care of in the hospital. I also feel guilty that I don’t know how I’m going to work it when she comes home - a paid caregiver for a few hours, do I take an FMLA leave for a few weeks, will my job be there when I get back (they say it will, my management does empathize with me).
I don’t want her in a SNF, I think she’ll do ok at home. But, I’ve told her she’ll go there if we find out she doesn’t.
Im overloaded and feel guilty for that too.