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MissusR, I wish I had something fabulous to say to you but you seem to understand the position you're in pretty well and it's not fabulous, so I won't pretend that it is.

I want to encourage you, though, to drop the guilt. You're there for your mom, you're trying to be a good help to her, you're human, and caregiving is HARD. It is so hard. So whatever other negative feelings you have about the situation, guilt shouldn't be one of them. Maybe you can try to let that go. I'm sure there's plenty of worry and frustration still to feel, hahahaha, focus on those, let that guilt go. You're not doing anything to warrant feeling guilty about.

Keep posting on the support threads, as much as is helpful to you.
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You say " This job we have taken on is a tough one". Many of us did not willingly take on this job. It was foisted on us because there was nobody else to do it. We have been forced to put our lives and health on hold because of it. If you have "taken on" the job then good for you but many of us have no choice but to do it.
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MissusR72, unless you are a doctor, you cannot know all signs and their importance. Drop the guilt. Even the ER can't tell without lots of tests, and sometimes they miss things.  I've been told that no matter how much we do, guilt for something we missed is common when a loved one dies. Now
I find out it is common in caregiving. Be kind to yourself.
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As we missed our overnight trip to the casino, we took mom today for a few hours. For once I won!! No one else did however.. And I am so stressed by DDs home situation that I could not even relax and enjoy the win! Also stressing over a friend who is going through a horrible time, and has mentioned that she "knows she can move in with me". My hubs and my own hair is just standing up over that one right now! At least I can tell her that DD may be moving in until the renovations at her condo are done,, in a few weeks... Yes she would be a help with mom,, but I can't even think about this right now. Pray for us all!!
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Last weekend, I finally had a heart-to-heart talk with fave sis.  I told her that I'm going through depression.  I have not hit rock bottom.

Well, that just opened up a can of worm. Now sis has invited me to spend this Friday night and all day Saturday with them.  Her idea of spending quality time is sitting on the couch watching Netflix one series after another - all day. Did I mention that there are No Commercials?! Just before I left her house last Saturday at 5pm, I told sis that watching TV is not relaxing. It's very Exhausting. I went home so tired. A whole Saturday lost - doing nothing but watch Netflix over 5 hours!

My doctor wants me to do the blood test for high cholesterol since it's high. I don't want to take an Rx for it. It affects my mental thinking and Alzheimer runs in my mom's side (mom and her mom had Alz.) I have decided to Not do the blood test until 2 months from now. I will exercise between now and then to lower my cholesterol. Doc told me several times that it's not my eating that causes the cholesterol. It's my life style/family genes. For years, he kept telling me to exercise. For years, I've ignored him. Until now. I have set up my iPad to 9:30pm Exercise alarm for 3-4 times a week. Tonight was the 1st night. I googled some very simple warm up exercises, beginner's exercises and warming down exercises. I cheated on all 3. Heck, I'm waaaay out of shape. I actually got a headache from doing the main exercise. Too much, too fast... I have to say, despite all that sweat dripping down my back (still going through menopause), it felt so great to feel my heart and blood pumping through my whole body. The warm-down exercises were great, too. Pshaw! They recommend daily exercises. Heck, no!!! 3-4 x week is just fine - from a couch potato's perspective.

P.S. Never, ever drink ice cold water after exercising! Terrible head rush! Painful head rush!… Anyway.. I feel a bit better. I guess it's true that exercising can help you deal with your depression... Must be all that fresh blood pumping through the brain... =)
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Good to hear from you Book, I was starting to wonder if you had left the forum permanently. It's great that the exercise is helping, but I disagree with your doctor's belief that all you can do to combat your cholesterol is exercise - both my parents needed coronary bypass surgery, mom in her 50's and dad in his early 60's, so although genetics play a role I don't think it is everything. The mayo clinic and harvard health have good web pages on lowering cholesterol, check them out:

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/high-blood-cholesterol/in-depth/reduce-cholesterol/art-20045935

https://www.health.harvard.edu/heart-health/how-to-lower-your-cholesterol-without-drugs
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Book, so great to hear from you, but I am sorry to hear you are having a hard time right now. Exercise will help with your depression, but you have to do it. I understand the five hours of Netflix, UGH!!! You probably would have done better to go for a walk, enjoy being outdoors.

So many have been missing you here.
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Ahh Book
thanks for checking in
I hope you get some relief soon
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Book, keep up the exercise. I always feel better when I've worked out. But I plateau, then stop. But if you are a cholesterol producer naturally which some people are exercise alone will not be enough.

I understand you not wanting to go on medication cause there is a link between statin drugs and Alzheimer's. But exercise is always a good, positive thing as is eating clean no matter what the doctors tell you. So keep it up if you can.
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Enjoying respite time. Too bad we got sick before taking it. Everything happened so fast, and some things decided for me. Rose is in rehab more than an hour's drive, and I'm not yet well enough to drive there since getting her settled. She appears to be very disoriented and weak, according to my brother and regular phone reports from staff. We saw it coming, and have a closer NH ready to transport her when they have a bed. Meanwhile,
I'm so relaxed, not on edge waiting for the sound of a fall, or seeing what's needed, since auntie had stopped asking for help. Wow, I'd forgotten how nice that feels. And we're accepting help from friends.
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This AM I'm sad. Last night, I went through some old pictures of the fam and I and found so many when my hubby was well and the kids were small and wanted to hang around us parental units. We went so many places and did so many things. Now it's hard to go a lot of places since many are not handicap friendly and the kids are moody teens and only want to hang out with the computer in their room! I'm sad because I miss the days of going places and doing stuff, fun stuff...with the family, my family. Now all I seem to do is stay home and take care of my family and the stressful dogs! I miss my husband, the way he was before his strokes. He was so different...strong and he knew what to do all the time! And he looked different, too, the same, but different if that makes any sense? Now, he's weak and relies on me for everything and anything. I hate to say it, but it's such a turn off! I know that sounds mean, but it's true. He cries a lot, which I know is a side effect of a stroke, yet it gets annoying cause he does it so often! I feel so bad for complaining because he's alive after suffering two massive strokes! The doc said anyone else would have died, so he is lucky! The point is, I'm still the same person who loves getting out of the house and going places and doing things, but no one else is and I miss that! I feel lonely and sad now. Don't get me wrong, I still get out of the house by myself or with friends, its just not the same as it was with the family. Well, anyway, that's how I'm doing! In a nutshell!

Thanks for reading!
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GIANT bear hugs, CMB.

Pick a few of those favourite photos, make a little display, and hang them somewhere you and all the family can see them. You never know, it might start a conversation; and even if it doesn't at least it will give you something good to look at in passing.

Are you getting any time off at all?
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@booklvr - Your situation is similar to mine; as far as Dem/ALZ running in the family; but mine also include the risk of Diabetes (Gram had it and her Gram also - 1st born every other gen is prone so I watch my sugar levels seriously) so I understand but Cholesterol is one of the major contributors for developing Dem/ALZ. Provastatin is a common med and has few side effects but the first route is always to look at your diet and modify where and whenever possible to reduce your cholesterol intake. Your biggest concern is hidden trans fat content (included are 3 links) that list some of the foods high in it. Remember, moderation is best since most foods also contain nutritious levels pf fatty acids. The main issue is that cholesterol is one of the building blocks for the plaques that lead to Dem/ALZ that form around the neuroreceptors in the brain. Recent studies are showing a link that they actually start in the intestine, then migrate to the brain. Also, studies done over the last 10 years have shown that Sudden changes in stress, sleeping habits and diet greatly increase the risk of triggering this disease like retirement, being the sole caregiver and decrease in physical activity. Everything I've read in the last 5 years; and this is my conjecture; seems to be that the sudden decrease in physical activity is the key. Most of us; while taking care of our LO, have developed a more sedentary lifestyle due to their lack of mobility. The biggest hurdle for us then is Trying to find the time to get the exercise we need. Talk to your Dr about modifying your diet then go back for blood test after 2 months; the first month you might cheat on your new diet; and see if your levels are where they should be. If you're still high, then you Should take meds for it and get test every 3 months to see if they've dropped to normal. Most likely, a dietary change with more exercise will do the trick except. Here are the links: 1 - https://health.clevelandclinic.org/avoid-these-10-foods-full-of-trans-fats/ 2 - https://www.health.harvard.edu/heart-health/11-foods-that-lower-cholesterol 3 - https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/high-blood-cholesterol/in-depth/cholesterol/art-20045192
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book (((((((hugs))))))
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Nice to hear, how are you doing. When usually it is how is your Mom. I am having long term burnout and feeling put upon after 4 years. No real Sibling help. 4 brothers live out of state. Since I never had children, this has really changed my life. I get frustrated because mom cannot be fixed. Sometimes, like now I get short and impatient with her. Having to remind her and repeatedly say things gets old. So I am glad to say I found this forum. I am getting some relief already just reading about others in similar or worse situations. Thank You
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Morning started with news that my personal caregiver for mom fell last night while using the hoyer lift - poor thing hurt herself but at least mom wasn't hanging in mid air at the time - she'll be off a few days

got a text later in the day, mom was saying bad things - told the caregiver to tell her to apologize- the Viking refused to do so

by the time I got to hoca after work, everyone was saying bad things -
and the beat goes on
la dee da dee da
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today was a hard one
so many have passed or gone home to pass in the 3 years mom has been at hoca but last night her neighbor passed suddenly - his wife looked after him with steadfast devotion everyday and she's heartbroken- she is like family and kept an eye on the Viking for me
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Madge, so often passing suddenly is the case. I am sorry for the loss of your mom's dear neighbor.
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I'm beyond exhausted after two very long weeks at work but got to hoca on time tonight to see mom before bed
she seems to be moving to a new stage - sad, crying and wanting to go home
caregiver said she's changed in the past couple of weeks - talking of dying and stuff
tonight she looked so helpless and said she wanted her mama
it made me cry
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HI I am a man who has been the caretaker for my 94 n 95 year old parents both cancer survivors..my dad suffers from Alzheimer's also incontinence so I know what you mean honestly for me being a man was hard to get used first couple years I had a regular job as hairdresser I had been working for 20 years n trying to go to school but as years went by I saw my parents health decline little by little ..I do have other siblings who are men but darn it do dont lift a finger to help seems like they dont give a @###$$$%%%^****&</..dont know if you feel or felt that but that alone was very frustrating for me I wanted to kick there butt's especially me being da youngest it would drive me crazy ..because I am the one who does everything thing for them from taking to hospital from one day to the next staying awake all night n doing it all over again da next day I always would say to myself why do I have to do everything why doesnt anyone else help but I finnaly realized that it is what is and I man up n said to myself as a caretaker I know what I feel mentally PHYSICALLY as I have a bad back and have some medical issues as well I'm going on eleven years now working with them and yes I have my moments just like everyone else but we need to have those moments in order to understand ourselves and use those moments as experience because no ones teaches us how to do it so we must be proud and take our responsibility and do with it as it needs to be...someday we as caretakers will be in that situation so all of this is a learning process that people who choose not to participate is and will continue to miss out on its personal experience...that makes us continue to do what most people dont want to do....I'm so glad I'm here reading everyone's questions n comments we need to reach out to one another we are special people as well...
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Frustrated. I spent 45 minutes on the phone switching my mom's medicare plan and in that span of time the cat didn't stop meowing for attention and mom fell trying to go through her closet. I have to be "on" 24/7 or something happens.
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Hi all, cant even think how long its been since I posted here. I have been rocking along with my mom, doing pretty good and now she is finally reaching the end. she is uncomfortable, hurting and full of alzheimers... last night she tried so hard to tell me something and all that came out was gibberish - it makes me want to cry!
I am one of the lucky ones - my mom was a great mom and she continued to be a great person thru her long 14 year journey. and we have been fast friends the whole way and now I just have to watch her go thru the final indignities of this disease and I am heartbroken! Just want to curl up in a ball and escape but i cant...
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SusanEl, yes, almost everyone you meet will ask how your mom or dad is doing. Rarely do they ask how you are doing. Worse, is the lecture that we should be doing more – since they’re our parents. I think my mom skipped the repeatedly saying things and went straight to the accusation stage of us stealing from her and trying to make her go crazy. I’m glad that you found this website. I learned so much when I first found this site – after googling how to take care of 2 bedridden elderly parents.

Caretaker67, I know where you’re coming from. I have 7 siblings – 3 here on island and 4 in the mainland. I did the caregiving for Our parents. I try not to be bitter against them because like you – I used get so very angry when they didn’t help out at all. They'll visit but …  I found this website and it helped me a lot. The most important thing that I learned at the time – was that I chose to be our parents’ caregiver. I could have walked away and let the govt take over. I chose this road. My siblings chose not to – their prerogative. I learned to accept it – like you – that they won’t help out as they ought to. I still think it sucks!!! I still struggle to not ask Karma to visit them. sigh.. work in progress...
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MsMadge, the constant struggles with hoca and dealing with the constant passing away of its clients is like another burden added on top of your secular job. You must be terribly weighed down from all fronts. Kudos to you. Just take it one day at a time. Sing that favorite song of yours and Viking's to help you through. {{HUGS}}
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Onedooropen, I remember. You and your mom are the rare ones on this website. You still had your own hardship. I'm sorry that your mom is suffering now that she's at the end. And you're suffering with her. My mom was going through that but we failed to get hospice services to help ease her pain. Is there some help in your mom's pain department? I remembered my mom, who couldn't talk and rarely moved a facial muscle, would grimace in pain when we moved her (very slightly to her side to prevent bedsores.) Thanks for updating us. {{HUGS}}
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3 more weeks till my 7-day cruise vacation. No matter how much I try to prep myself to like it, to enjoy it - I'm dreading it to the max. May I just say that I was watching a YouTube in which the lady had the balcony door behind her. As the ocean waves was moving, my stomach started feeling queasy. ohhhh.. noooo. Anyway, this is a once-in-a-lifetime experience and I'm gong to grit my teeth and do my best to enjoy it. I got the Bonine, the Dramamine, the wrist thingy, the ear patch, the ginger candy - and I need to find time between now and the trip to taste/swallow each pill. I'd rather have an allergic reaction on land than on sea... I did have an allergic reaction to the sunscreen (face turned super red and swelled). So, I bought a children's sunscreen hypoallergenic (Expensive 3oz bottle at $10 !!!!!!!) I tested it - and no allergic reaction.

I got a travel insurance (sucks! it only covers $50/day hospital stay). I told fave sis that if anything happens, she's my beneficiary. She only has a 1 month window to claim the $100,000 coverage.... So.. 2 weeks goes by … Then out of the blue, I received an email from fave sis asking me what kind of funeral do I want. Viewing? Open casket? Bury the next day?... Huh???? So I replied that I'd much rather not have an open casket but since they all need closure, OK to open casket. Viewing and then burial. No need to spend for large expensive obituary since nobody knows me. All I want is purple flowers - even if it's purple weeds.... I thought that was a very strange email from fave sis. I woke up the next morning and made the connection of the travel insurance beneficiary comment to her. OMG!! Does she know something that I don't know? But sis is Not the one who gets premonition. If anything, that's me - who tends to ignore my guts and rely heavily on logic. I know I'm stressing, dreading this cruise. It's only because I have this deep fear of water. I get a panic attack when water reaches my ankle when I shower... I have been doing my best to Not think of that tiny cruise ship surrounded with endless ocean water. Surrounded by water. I will Not hide in my room like those YouTube people who were told that they can overcome their fear of water by taking a cruise. Not! Heck, I spent so much of my emergency money for the cruise, I Will Not Stay in my room hiding! Ahem, I can always hide in the ship's library...
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LOL Book, why ever did you think a cruise would be a Good Thing? I hope you have a wonderful time!!
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The strange thing is that I'm torn between wanting to do the cruise and not.

Anyway, my older brother in Texas ended up in the hospital last Thursday. He has been diagnosed with a rare heart condition. Heart rate working at 13% (normal is 55%). Cardiologist said that he should have came to him at the beginning where he had a better chance of prolonging his life. Brother had his heart rate irregular in 2012. Throughout the years, his regular doctor would note things about his heart (like enlargement) but said it was okay, here's meds for it.... Finally, his doctor told him to go to hospital ASAP. Area around his heart has fluid, and clots... Cardiologist wants to know who is my brother's doctor. There's nothing they can do for bro. No cure. No meds to help raise that 13% heart rate... The latest news is that heart transplant is not an option because his heart is fine. It's the connector to the heart...whatever that means. Doctor says all my bro can do is change his diet.... Nurse niece here on island said diet is not going to do anything. He has limited time to live because his heart is not pumping enough for his internal organs... So I've just spent hours on the laptop trying to find ways to fit in a visit to bro before or after the cruise. It's not working.... I will be spending $2300-$2600 for only 4 days in Dallas. Not an option!!

I basically need to come back home from Hawaii. And then buy a whole new ticket from here to Dallas and back. Airfare is $1800.00. And I can spend 7 days with bro.. if he can live long enough for me to visit around June 20th....

Older sis and the girls are still doing the cruise. Older sis said that her being with Texas brother right now - is her obligated visit in case he dies. No guilt if he does while we're on the cruise. Whereas I'm....
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Aww Book, I'm sorry about your brother, you can't ever seem to catch a break. 🤗
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((((((((book)))))) so sorry about your brother
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