This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
I want to encourage you, though, to drop the guilt. You're there for your mom, you're trying to be a good help to her, you're human, and caregiving is HARD. It is so hard. So whatever other negative feelings you have about the situation, guilt shouldn't be one of them. Maybe you can try to let that go. I'm sure there's plenty of worry and frustration still to feel, hahahaha, focus on those, let that guilt go. You're not doing anything to warrant feeling guilty about.
Keep posting on the support threads, as much as is helpful to you.
I find out it is common in caregiving. Be kind to yourself.
Well, that just opened up a can of worm. Now sis has invited me to spend this Friday night and all day Saturday with them. Her idea of spending quality time is sitting on the couch watching Netflix one series after another - all day. Did I mention that there are No Commercials?! Just before I left her house last Saturday at 5pm, I told sis that watching TV is not relaxing. It's very Exhausting. I went home so tired. A whole Saturday lost - doing nothing but watch Netflix over 5 hours!
My doctor wants me to do the blood test for high cholesterol since it's high. I don't want to take an Rx for it. It affects my mental thinking and Alzheimer runs in my mom's side (mom and her mom had Alz.) I have decided to Not do the blood test until 2 months from now. I will exercise between now and then to lower my cholesterol. Doc told me several times that it's not my eating that causes the cholesterol. It's my life style/family genes. For years, he kept telling me to exercise. For years, I've ignored him. Until now. I have set up my iPad to 9:30pm Exercise alarm for 3-4 times a week. Tonight was the 1st night. I googled some very simple warm up exercises, beginner's exercises and warming down exercises. I cheated on all 3. Heck, I'm waaaay out of shape. I actually got a headache from doing the main exercise. Too much, too fast... I have to say, despite all that sweat dripping down my back (still going through menopause), it felt so great to feel my heart and blood pumping through my whole body. The warm-down exercises were great, too. Pshaw! They recommend daily exercises. Heck, no!!! 3-4 x week is just fine - from a couch potato's perspective.
P.S. Never, ever drink ice cold water after exercising! Terrible head rush! Painful head rush!… Anyway.. I feel a bit better. I guess it's true that exercising can help you deal with your depression... Must be all that fresh blood pumping through the brain... =)
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/high-blood-cholesterol/in-depth/reduce-cholesterol/art-20045935
https://www.health.harvard.edu/heart-health/how-to-lower-your-cholesterol-without-drugs
So many have been missing you here.
thanks for checking in
I hope you get some relief soon
I understand you not wanting to go on medication cause there is a link between statin drugs and Alzheimer's. But exercise is always a good, positive thing as is eating clean no matter what the doctors tell you. So keep it up if you can.
I'm so relaxed, not on edge waiting for the sound of a fall, or seeing what's needed, since auntie had stopped asking for help. Wow, I'd forgotten how nice that feels. And we're accepting help from friends.
Thanks for reading!
Pick a few of those favourite photos, make a little display, and hang them somewhere you and all the family can see them. You never know, it might start a conversation; and even if it doesn't at least it will give you something good to look at in passing.
Are you getting any time off at all?
got a text later in the day, mom was saying bad things - told the caregiver to tell her to apologize- the Viking refused to do so
by the time I got to hoca after work, everyone was saying bad things -
and the beat goes on
la dee da dee da
so many have passed or gone home to pass in the 3 years mom has been at hoca but last night her neighbor passed suddenly - his wife looked after him with steadfast devotion everyday and she's heartbroken- she is like family and kept an eye on the Viking for me
she seems to be moving to a new stage - sad, crying and wanting to go home
caregiver said she's changed in the past couple of weeks - talking of dying and stuff
tonight she looked so helpless and said she wanted her mama
it made me cry
I am one of the lucky ones - my mom was a great mom and she continued to be a great person thru her long 14 year journey. and we have been fast friends the whole way and now I just have to watch her go thru the final indignities of this disease and I am heartbroken! Just want to curl up in a ball and escape but i cant...
Caretaker67, I know where you’re coming from. I have 7 siblings – 3 here on island and 4 in the mainland. I did the caregiving for Our parents. I try not to be bitter against them because like you – I used get so very angry when they didn’t help out at all. They'll visit but … I found this website and it helped me a lot. The most important thing that I learned at the time – was that I chose to be our parents’ caregiver. I could have walked away and let the govt take over. I chose this road. My siblings chose not to – their prerogative. I learned to accept it – like you – that they won’t help out as they ought to. I still think it sucks!!! I still struggle to not ask Karma to visit them. sigh.. work in progress...
I got a travel insurance (sucks! it only covers $50/day hospital stay). I told fave sis that if anything happens, she's my beneficiary. She only has a 1 month window to claim the $100,000 coverage.... So.. 2 weeks goes by … Then out of the blue, I received an email from fave sis asking me what kind of funeral do I want. Viewing? Open casket? Bury the next day?... Huh???? So I replied that I'd much rather not have an open casket but since they all need closure, OK to open casket. Viewing and then burial. No need to spend for large expensive obituary since nobody knows me. All I want is purple flowers - even if it's purple weeds.... I thought that was a very strange email from fave sis. I woke up the next morning and made the connection of the travel insurance beneficiary comment to her. OMG!! Does she know something that I don't know? But sis is Not the one who gets premonition. If anything, that's me - who tends to ignore my guts and rely heavily on logic. I know I'm stressing, dreading this cruise. It's only because I have this deep fear of water. I get a panic attack when water reaches my ankle when I shower... I have been doing my best to Not think of that tiny cruise ship surrounded with endless ocean water. Surrounded by water. I will Not hide in my room like those YouTube people who were told that they can overcome their fear of water by taking a cruise. Not! Heck, I spent so much of my emergency money for the cruise, I Will Not Stay in my room hiding! Ahem, I can always hide in the ship's library...
Anyway, my older brother in Texas ended up in the hospital last Thursday. He has been diagnosed with a rare heart condition. Heart rate working at 13% (normal is 55%). Cardiologist said that he should have came to him at the beginning where he had a better chance of prolonging his life. Brother had his heart rate irregular in 2012. Throughout the years, his regular doctor would note things about his heart (like enlargement) but said it was okay, here's meds for it.... Finally, his doctor told him to go to hospital ASAP. Area around his heart has fluid, and clots... Cardiologist wants to know who is my brother's doctor. There's nothing they can do for bro. No cure. No meds to help raise that 13% heart rate... The latest news is that heart transplant is not an option because his heart is fine. It's the connector to the heart...whatever that means. Doctor says all my bro can do is change his diet.... Nurse niece here on island said diet is not going to do anything. He has limited time to live because his heart is not pumping enough for his internal organs... So I've just spent hours on the laptop trying to find ways to fit in a visit to bro before or after the cruise. It's not working.... I will be spending $2300-$2600 for only 4 days in Dallas. Not an option!!
I basically need to come back home from Hawaii. And then buy a whole new ticket from here to Dallas and back. Airfare is $1800.00. And I can spend 7 days with bro.. if he can live long enough for me to visit around June 20th....
Older sis and the girls are still doing the cruise. Older sis said that her being with Texas brother right now - is her obligated visit in case he dies. No guilt if he does while we're on the cruise. Whereas I'm....