This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
don't know if there is any way around it, Could u plan to do something uplifting afterwards to perk u up? - I mean go right to something that is a treat for u after the visit
I went to the beach, as my facebook friends saw from the photos, and I took a long bathe all by myself, the water was quite cold and there was a strong current so I had to swim quite hard to go back to the shore. But I wasn't really scared. While I was wading in the sea with the water at my waist, walking back and forth, a black labrador from the beach plunged into the sea and came toward me. He was a rescue dog. I told him "Don't worry, darling, I'm okay" I don't think he understood the words but he understood I wasn't in danger, so he turned back to the shore. When I told this story to the establishment's owner, he told me: "Of course, he is our baywatch!" (!!!!!) The beach where I went is a beach allowed to dogs, and there are several rescue dogs training, so one feels very safe there!
I was very well and free and happy. I went there because the weather is going to become colder in the next few days, so I don't know if I will be able to bathe one more time this year. I felt so happy that I understood the "evil selfish siblings" who don't want to make our life. And I hope that I will be able to appreciate the good moments of life even when I shall have the full availability of my time, again!
This afternoon I took the dogs for the usual walk along Tiber river. There are several beaches (see photo, Facebook friends) where my dogs can go into the water and swim. In one of these little beaches, though, the change of level between the shore and the water is too high, and my old dog Camilla can't get out of the water herself, if I don't help her dragging her by her shoulders. Well, today, for the first time, she refused to bathe in "that" beach, while she bathed in all the others where she can get out of the water by herself. I understood that she hates to be helped by me, because she is proud and she likes to be independent. Perhaps our aged relatives think the same way...
They hate to be helped, that's why they make our life much more difficult!
Shawna, you did well with the nurses. Next work they will find, they will be kinder and more professional. I can tell you that when my father was in the hospital with a huge heart attack, we had to pay the nurses so they would take care about him. We couldn't use the "hard way" because he had had an heart attack, and we tried to keep him as quiet as possible!
Jo I am happy you are better!!!
Stormy, happy anniversary (made) (that is: you have already made it)
Jam, can't you do something so your COL is tired (apart from weeding the garden!!!) and she sleeps more in the night? We force my mother to walk.
Rossella.....I looked at your pics on FB and I'm so jealous!!! I absolutely LOVE the picture of the entrance to the beach......the turquoise colored portal.....there is something so inviting, it's like when you would walk through you would go into another world.
I have tried to think of something that would keep the col busy throughout the day or at least for a while. She is taken for a walk to get her newspaper in the mornings, I'm not sure how far it is, but it's a good walk. Then in the afternoons, Heather will take her out and walk her around the complete perimeter of the fence....I think I posted pics on FB of the backyard so you can get an idea of the area she has to wander around in. She has no hobbies and whenever I mention anything at all, she always has an "excuse" about why she can't or doesn't want to do something. She rarely reads her newspaper anymore because she knows she needs to wear her glasses and since she thinks she doesn't need them, and knows she can't read without them she will just sit and hold the darn thing all day. What else can a person do?
Tomorrow is dental day.......oh it's going to be a lonnnngggggg day!
Hope everyone has had a great day....check in when you can.
Love and Hugz to all,
Jam
Does she have a battery in her back like a dancing doll?
I have to admit that the only quiet time we have here is when mother is in bed!
Jam have you gotten the dx on the Col? never have heard of diabetes being like that, I have type two and drop very quickly.
We finally got out of Nebraska, I swear that state felt as large as TX..lol.. 4 days to cross the states, and three of them are spent getting across TX.. So we are now sitting in Lingle, WY, population 510, 512 if you count me and Glenn..lol... Were about 5 miles outside Fort Laramie... Hoping to get some sight seeing in. We really haven't been able too because of the weather, I will not leave the girls in the camper when it's hot, tomorrow though is suppose to be nice so they can either stay in their pen or in the camper with no problem.
Cmag, someone suggested that you find something that makes you happy to do after your visit, I will have to second that suggestion..
Well Ya'll think it is time to read a little and then sleep..lol.. Seeme, I haven't forgotten about you..been thinking about you a lot on this trip, this is my time to get away and help get through the grief, I am glad to hear that you are getting to just get out and get a way for a little while.. it does make a difference.. Big hugs.. Carmen
Hope everyone has a peaceful, quiet night.
Love and Hugz,
Jam
Shawna, those neighbours again? Don't worry, the third time the police won't come at all. It's incredible how many crazy people there are in the world (I mean your neighbours)
Jam, at least I found one thing where you are lucky with COL. She likes to watch TV! These are good moments of peace for you. If she sings La Marseillaise, perhaps you have to find her some old french movies, with Yves Montand, for example. She will love them!
Starry, I imagine your trip with hubby. cats and dogs!!! Are you going to the "warmer" states when the weather will get worse? You are making one of my dreams true... a trip across the USA! I imagine you in San Francisco looking at the ocean and eating fish on the pier.
You can be paid to be his care giver, but I am not sure exactly where to tell you to go, possibly Social Security or Social Services can. When you go to either place, make sure you bring your bills, and his income benefits from SSD..
There are Churches and various Charities that can offer you assistance with food and some will help with the bills. Social Services will have a list of these places.. There's nothing shameful in asking for help, we all have needed it at a time.. I know that I have, without the help of my church and the other places, hubby and I would not have made it through the tough times. We were fighting for his disability, I was able to work but you can't pay much on 8.00 per hour.. if you require medications, there are places that can furnish them for you along with medical care for free or very low cost. Again, Social Services can help you with where to find them. I hope you don't mind my asking but how severe are your husbands disabilities? this is something that Social Services will want to know.
Ros, currently we are headed for one of the colder places around besides Alaska..lol.. we're heading up to a place called Spirit Lake in Idaho.. as I like to say about 2 blocks from Canada... it's very close to the border from looking at the map. Hubby has friends there, hasn't seen them since he left California about 11 years ago. I met them when I flew out to CA to meet hubby for the first time. He use to claim that Roger our friend would get him to work on Motorcycles all the time, when he would go visit him at his shop, truth be told, Hubby volunteered for it.
Hubby was in Hayward, CA very close to San Francisco, when I met him, we did get to take a boat ride and see Alcatraz, the famous prison and the golden gate bridge.. eventually we will be getting back to CA, and visiting with family and friends we both have there.
For now we're sitting pretty much in the middle of no where..lol, wide open plains of Wyoming.. There are some interesting historic places around to see, so hoping we can get to do some sightseeing this time. Has been to hot to leave the girls on their own, so haven't gotten to do much more than take pictures through the truck window going down the highway.
Squeek (the cat) Claire and Maggie are all adjusting to life on the road, Squeek doesn't like the riding to much, but she loves investigating all the new RV parks we stop at. Claire and Maggie both just curl up and sleep while we're driving and then want to sniff every blade of grass when we stop for potty break. I tell them it's not time to read the "pee" mail.. like our emails..
Claire has always been a little terror, and she is teaching Maggie bad habits.. but some are cute.. Claire will do her thing and then kick her back legs, throwing grass everywhere, Maggie want's to pee where Claire did, so she follows close behind and gets grass kicked in her face, Maggie has also decided that she has to do the kicking grass thing.. it's so cute to watch her, her little back legs do not have the strength to be throwing grass every where, but she gives it her best. At 11 y.o. and for the most part we believe she grew up with a elderly person, so never got much exercise or hung out with other dogs, she's doing pretty good. She barely would come off the porch when we first got her, now you can't keep her on it without locking the gate.. she was very timid, scared even of the cat, but now she stands her ground and gives back as good as she gets. The world is trying to wake up here, all except Claire and hubby..lol, their both snoring.. sometimes Claire will snore and I swear it is hubby, loud enough to rattle the windows..
I wish that all of you were here with me on this adventure, I believe we all would love it and love it even better because we were all together. Hoping you all have a wonderful day.
The daughter told me they are thinking it is Marie's heart they are concerned about... and ya'll know all sorts of things flashed thru my brain, but I remained quite and said nothing..... the daughter also had to tell her to stop talking to the nurses like a horse's butt.......so, it doesn't matter where she is or what is going on, her sense of entitlement to speak to people like that remains with her.... Can not imagine living out my remaining years bitter and hostile.... so much to be grateful for,,,, oh well, I am not the one she has to answer to.....
Sorry I have been out of the loop and can not address everyone, but did want to welcome Annie... hope you find a home here... many loving and caring people here who will understand and try to help.... and I don't know if we are lonesome as much as needing someone who really understands what we are going thru..... and we do understand how you feel, and will help if we can...
Seeme, in my heart and prayers.... love to everyone.... will check in later....hugs across the miles to everyone...
How are things going in your neck of the woods? have they gotten the fires under control yet? how is the BS coming along? did you ever get to that hair ball? lol..
Just wanted to send off a quick post....then I will address everyone and everything later. Today is DENTIST DAY!! Please send prayers and good mojo my way. The col has already asked me 5 times where we are going, and each time I say "well, we all have to see the dentist today"........and I get a very loudly screeched "OH, SHIT".....It's going to be a very long day....I may have to tell the dentist to give me an extra burst of nitrous and kick me in the corner.....:)
Hi Anne...........will give you a proper welcome a little later.....gotta run now.
Love and Hugz to all of you,
Jam
The BS isn't coming along... have been working too much to do much of anything, when I am home, I just want to sleep... and no, the hair ball remains where it was hurled.... I don't smell anything, so guess it will keep until I can move all the stuff to get to it.... she couldn't have done it right here in front of me like she usually does,,,,, OH NO, she had to go to some hard to get to place.... oh well, it's just a hairball, and in the bigger scheme of things," it anin't about a thing....", that 's southern for F**k It.....
So, off to cash my check, run some errands and then back to the BS for R-N-R. Turned my phone off, and will just pretend I am riding with you and the girls...give the Squeekmiester a big kiss for me, and tell her what a good girl she is being,,, and tell Thelma and Louise hello and puppy kisses to them... the old man,,,, nah, nothing for him...... take care, have fun, and post pics... love ya
I'm with you, screw the hairball, heck you might be able to turn it in to artwork..lol.. The squeekmiester is doing good, she doesn't like being on a lead, but she will survive.. I'll have to take some pictures of Thelma and Louise aka Claire and Maggie.. It's getting colder so we stopped at a Target yesterday and bought them vests..rofl.. green for Claire and rust for Maggie.. Put the green on Claire as I believed the rust would blend into her coat too much.. their so cute.
Hubby is actually being good, he's helping more.. last night he had to take the girls out for their last potty break of the night, he's like oh, I'm undressed, told him well I don't care, I have to get dressed anytime they want to go out.. then he tried the oh, you won't like it if I hurt myself climbing down out of the overhead bed.. told him he didn't give a sh** about me, I am more of a klutz than he is.. so needless to say, he got to walk around in circles with them..lol..
Sleep is good, get as much as you can, keep that phone off, you can check it every now and then, see if someone you really want to talk to has called. That is what I do if I don't want to speak to anyone.. have a wonderful 3 days off.
Anne......welcome again! Starri gave you very good advice. Social Services is where you should probably start. I'm sure your husband is on medication....ask the doctor for samples if possible. Are there Wal-Mart's in Florida? Get meds as generic and from the $4 plan. Contact the drug manufacturer..........they have programs to assist when you can't afford medicine. Have you applied for Food Stamps? That should help with the groceries. And don't forget Anne! She's very important! Yes, you are doing a wonderful thing in caring for your husband. No, we will not reap any rewards for what we do on this earth, but we continue to do it because of the special person we are. Come back and visit with us.....even though you are not able to get out a lot, come here and we will keep you entertained. We can get a little silly at times..........well ladee can get big silly after she's had a good night's sleep.....love ya sweetie....:) Vic always has a positive attitude and will share her smiles, emjo will give you antler soup recipes, starri lets us see the world through her travels, seeme installs satellite tv (that's what ladee claims), stormy let's us all be grandma's to her son, ASG chases wet, chewed on geese, rossella takes us to the beach, Cmag maintains for us there is still chivalry and romance in this world, Shawna is an artist with beautiful creations, mis gets up too early and works too hard, burned takes wonderful care of her husband and family..........if I have left anyone out, please just call me old and holler at me. You all are very special and I am proud to call you friends!
Love and Hugz to all,
Jam
Then some of friend's wonder why I haven't stop smoking after the heartattack. Well they wouldn't make it for one day in my shoes and that's why I haven't stop smoking is all of this stress taking care of grandma.
So has anyone ever had this happen to them? How do you deal with it?
Love and Hugz,
Jam
Mis, do NOT take this on... even if you had screamed at her, you would not let anyone else threaten you.....Ruth threatened to cut my throat, anything sharp was put up..... but anytime I told her NO, it was on... whether that be going outside when it was raining, and she was always trying to get out the doors.... we put key locks on all the doors, and she would get violent when she didn't get her way....I will never know if meds would have helped... and don't be upset if the first meds don't work..... there are NO meds out there for Alz, they simply treat sypmtoms and some can take them and some can not... some meds will send them around the bend, others can take the same thing and be overmedicated.... I hate this disease with a passion, it is our new AIDS, no treatment, until milllions die from it and caregivers are costing millions to be taken care of after the fact..... Read up on as much as you can.... it is different for everyone that has it...Sonny on the other hand, is so sweet and pleasing to be around, that is not to say he doesn't get grumpy sometimes, but so far he can be redirected.....doesn't mean it will stay that way......
But please, please do not let your hubby say her outburst was because of you... and yes, tone of voice helps sometimes, but when they are angry because they are told NO, that is a different situation.... I will pray your hubby listens to you about this before something happens that will not have a happy ending.... let us know what happens...hugs across the miles to you, and I have your back on this one !!!!