This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Starri and Ladee- I know we need to find a new doctor that will help us or tell us something. If we could just get the ones that are already seeing dad to be straight with us and pretty much tell us what we already know, but they won't say anything about whether the cancer has spread. It's always something else, cellulitis, maybe a lung infection, fluid on the lungs. And it's not that we don't want to carry dad to another dr. it's just that we shouldn't have to be having to go through all of these hoops to find out if the cancer has spread. If it has spread then we can go to the oncologist here in our town. But we would have to get a referral from one of dads other drs. But it is just getting one of them to be straight with us and stop sugar coating everything. I don't know if they don't want to tell sis and me or if they don't want to tell dad or if it's that they do not want to be the bearer of bad news. Who knows anymore. Dad has like 7 or 8 drs and you would think that out of one of them they could level with us. Ladee i know you only have our and dads best interest at heart. I know you are just concerned about all of us. I understand what you are saying I guess it's just that we keep getting the same answers from different drs and we are like well if we go to another dr it's going to be nothing but more of the same thing. Going through something like this with a loved one and having to deal with all of these drs. and knowing that they do not give a sh$#. It just makes you kinda lose what faith you had in all doctors and what they can do for you. I love each and everyone of you for your comments and advice. It is truly appreciated. (((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Stormyyyyyyy
Ladee you seem very tired. I haven't understood where Marie is. I hope you have some rest this weekend.
Mismiley, Ladee and Jam are right. You have to be careful, if they become violent they can really be dangerous! And without reason; whatever you do or don't do.
Jam, I am sorry for COL who will have to lose all these teeth. I hope the doctor can do everything at once, so you are going to be stressed just once!
^night everybody I have to do some work...
I know this is not the same situation but here goes. One nite at dads me and sis were there doing stuff to dad and he had just got back from the bathroom and i said something to them about us weighting dad to see if he had lost or gained any weight. Well dad had one of the scales( with the tiny lines on it) not the digital one. So i sat down on the floor beside the scales so i could read what it said when he got on there. I was looking to see how much he weighted and then all of a sudden i feel myself being pulled up by my hair! And it was dad. Trying to get me to move so he could read the scales. Needless to say I WAS PISSED AND SIS KNEW IT AND DAD DID TOO AFTER I LEFT THE HOUSE! I handed her his insulin needle and told her she could give it to him. I got outside and was screaming at the top of my lungs and crying and saying that i hated him. I swear that was one of the closest times i come to being done with him. But sis talked to dad and told him that he pissed me off bad and anyway the next day he apoligized to me. But it still took me a while to get over that. He could've said move sandy or move over anything but lifting me up by my hair. If it had been anybody else besides dad i would have punched them dead in the FACE!!!!!!!!!! I he almost got it that night! Lord i was so mad that night!!!!!! I don't like getting that mad at anybody. Plus, bad tempers run in my family and i got it honest. I am the sweetest person but once you really piss me off; it's on! So don't take no junk from nobody mis. I will be thinking about you and hoping you find a solution to the abuse. Maybe another relative could take her in. Love and Hugs stormyyyyyy
But I was watching her sleep before they could get her room ready and noticed how labored her breathing was.... I counted that she took 30 breaths in a minute, normal is about 10 to 12.....first thing I thought was congestive heart failure... told her daughter about it when she came to pick her up.. Of course I kept my "diagnosis" to myself..... so they are now checking her for heart problems..... that could explain a lot about her always being tired and feeling weak... not enough oxygen...so don't know how long she will be in there, and sonny is lost without her...... but will keep ya'll posted as to what is going on....
Take care lady and try not to work too hard, waking up with your keypad tattooed on your face..... hugs to you...
Jam, sorry to hear that the col will need that much dental work.... I feel bad for her especially if she has problems communicating when she isn't feeling well... It took me half a day to find out Sonny's back was hurting, and that was mostly from observation..... it makes it hard on them and us when they can't tell us how they are feeling.....let us know how things are....
Stormy, I was hoping you weren't offended by my statement... it's just that I worry about your dad and I would just ask one of the docs for a referral for the onconologist.... it won't hurt to try.... I just know he is a very sick man, and things just keep going on and on.... and I know what you mean about Dr's and faith in them.... I have always told my friends, if I get seriously ill, take me to the vet and have me put to sleep.... I won't screw around with the stuff you are going thru... so very stressful, and you and sis doing everything you can to help him and keep him comfortable and STILL aren't sure what is wrong... my heart goes out to all of you.... and to watch the man you love being that way, and not sure what to do next must be very depressing.... I pray for you, sis and Dad, that somewhere a Dr. with some comapssion will be honest with ya'll and lead you in a good direction.... I am very sorry you are going thru this Stormy and can not imagine the stress you are under.... take care of yourself, and I appreciate that you knew what I was saying was said with LOVE.... hugs across the miles to you and your family....
Seeme are you done reading yet....love ya..
We got a new email from Bully Brother. I'd like to share, but I'm not sure this is the right place. look for me on FB i like to use it for Private messages. peggy hubbard, Oro Valley / Tucson AZ.
thanks for the love.
I hope the post i read earlier about the care giver being threatened is understood by the husband. if he isn't getting it, you need to find a friend to stay with (or come to Tucson) and let him be there 24/7. maybe you both need a break. hugs to you, your doing a great job, and we all know it :)
peggy
I live in small German communty here in Texas... plenty of elders to go around, and they are out and about... I can tell the ones that have no one to help them when I see them in the grocery store, but they putt along and get things done....some of them, if you ask them if they need any help will look at you like you are crazy... others will say yes and then tell you their life story.... they are the lonesome ones....I have heard some really great stuff from these elders... they have the advantage of being from farming families, cattle ranchers, so they are made from some tuff stuff..... Many still very independant and going strong..I have learned a lot from the elders in this community.... one of the reasons I love living in this town... I am surronded by wisdom, it's there for the asking....
Stormy, it was me that said I hoped he wasn't in pain....and you girls are doing an awesome job, considering the idiot Dr's and no solid information.... it is very hard on you and sis to continue to do the things that need to be done, just to keep him breathing clearly, so don't think we don't appreciate how hard you and sis work to keep him comfortable.....I pray your sis is open to the idea and if not maybe a call to a Dr. explaining the circumstances, will get you in.... I just pray for some peace and answers for all involved.... not knowing is about as stressful as it can get.....prayers for you and your family......hugs across the miles....
Before I get off on a litany of "have you tried", please let me know what meds she is on.... many people with Alz. have an enormous amount of anxiety... just wondering... and again, you will find a place to put your weary soul here.... hugs to you....
Peg - I think you are the new one - welcome
ladee we are going to confuse ourselves here - peggy is the one with the bully brother and yes feel free to b*tch about the brother here - I tried to find u on f b but too many peggy hubbards - you can find my facebook link on my profile page under "web page"
and that goes for everyone
peg - that's pegdbeelady with the mum with osteoporosis but no bully brother that we know of welcome - this is a safe place to vent and learn and laugh
some one asked where the oldsters are - well I am here lol - 74 and no dementia that I know of - maybe I am in denial LOL
mis - agreed no matter how u speak to grandma - she is becoming dangerous and that is a matter of dementia - straighten ur hubby out on that! have him read about ladee's experience - my mother does not have Alz, but she has a personality disorder, and once when I was young and very strong and she was recovering from surgery she got mad enough to wrestle me to the floor - a few times after that I put furniture against my bedroom door - I think she could do it now even at 99 if she got mad enough - there is an unnatural strength that comes with some mental conditions and Alz is one of them - get some info online about Alz, anger and physical assaults
stormy (((((hugs)))))) -such a confusing and stressful time and no one wants to explain what is happening with these lymph nodes. -think maybe a referral to the oncologist would be good
starri - some more nice pics - think the birds were catching something to eat -bugs or minnows or something - neat rock formations!!! so glad u r finally enjoying it
jam - this dentist stuff will be difficult for col -I suppose they will put her out and that in itself can cause problems - not looking like a fun time -did you sort out the eviction? I will be asking my renters to move out -too many hassles - think I can manage without them.
shawna -how's thing's - hope mum is doing well
vic - hope ur days are easier
YR - thinking of you and hospice for dad
john -sounds like u r getting there re insurance and repairs
seeme - (((((hugs))))) hope u had some fun and will tell us about it -after this tooth thing I am feeling the need for some too
everyone else - hope u have a decent weekend. and some breathing space for u... and maybe a little fun
love, hugs and prayers♥♥♥
jo
am getting ready to go rock hunting..... this mess in the BS will be here when i get back, no house cleaning fairys live around here that I know of..... hugs to all
I will continue the medication and ensure regime and hopefully my Mom will gain weight thus not having to go to a nursing home (or a worse demise). As I see it, if she does not successfully gain weight then my brother will follow through with a visit and be part of her going to a nursing home perpetuating the history of him being her "hero" and truly caring for her.
I have my mom's physical and mental health in my daily routine by choice; others do or do not encourage her from afar. When there is little support, the responsibility of caring for my mom falls solely on my shoulders and I take that responsibility seriously. There is a history of battling their unhealthy relationship and I am learning coping skills in order to not let it get to me so much anymore while I enjoy life as my brother does in his town. Life does go on for all of us. I choose to care for my mom and also pursue further education.
I am a full time senior at San Diego State University. I am currently a double major in Child and Family Development (my career for over 20 years) and American Indian Studies. I also hold 2 associates in Child Dev and Liberal Arts and Science. If I change my "major" status in CFD to a "minor" I could graduate Dec 2012 which would be 40 years after my high school graduation. I agree we returning students have a different passion for learning than the younger crowd; takes us a bit longer to memorize though. I returned to school 2 weeks before my Dad died, with counseling I learned I could continue my education and also be an active daughter in my Mom's life. I see her health and it is incredibly awesome that my sister is in my corner. I appreciate her. As far as those that live in denial ~ I am learning I cannot make them see, including my Mom who feels there is nothing wrong with her along with there was nothing wrong with my Dad. Denial does protect ones from feeling pain but denial is also something that is preventing my mom from participating in her own health improvement plan. She will NOT go to the local senior center and "participate in activities" as her doc recommended. Well I cannot force her to; all I can do is provide the ensure and meds (mostly vits) and see that she eats well. The others who are in denial, I am learning to let them be themselves and when the time comes for nursing home or her death, they will be shocked but I won't be. I knew my Dad was dying ... it is sad that he is gone ... I am glad I had some indication of it as I was not as shocked as others. I see my Mom's health deteriorating and she is visibly withering away ... I won't be shocked when the doc says "nursing home" ~ others, those living in denial, will be. My eyes are open!
I'm sorry to hear of your dad's passing and your mom's deteriorating health, it's sad to see them in failing health. Feed your Mom anything she wants.. I did mine, she was 80 years old when she passed, she died of cancer just a little over 3 months ago. She dropped weight so fast, it was hard to keep some on her. We did the ensure, meals that I knew she'd like, puddings, cookies, cakes, fruit cups, just anything to keep some weight on her.
I can identify with both types of brothers, I have one that is both, or at least tried to be..lol, "The Eldest" he tried telling me how to care for mom, and didn't believe she was as sick as she was.. all three of my brothers were the "hero's" in mom's eyes, never could do nothing wrong, knew all the right things, etc.. afraid that wasn't the truth, but she was blind to the fact, had a therapist a while back tell me that if I was waiting on my Mom's approval, forget it, it was never going to happen.
His denial almost cost him a visit prior to her death.. He lives out of state. Hoping you the best in your education and your life.
I also will be returning to counseling on campus as they were so instrumental in aiding me during my shock-grieving time that I know helping me with this part of my life will be successful for them and me as well.
I want to say that perhaps we are all awaiting the approval of a parent and we just may never get it. I repeatedly told both of my parents that I rec'd a letter from the Pres of the college for straight A's and do you know, not one word about it? Finally a week or so ago my mom asked about the letter framed on my wall, I told her and she said "well excuse me" ... what? no "good job", "I am proud of you" etc? ha ha. Nope, she just thought I was flaunting my intelligence. But you are so right (your therapist), "forget it" ... "it was never going to happen". We do our best and that's all we can do. My brother had the same experience, his denial almost cost him as well a visit with my Dad prior to his death. I wonder if his denial regarding my mom's health will result in the same result.
Thanks for posting. I am sorry for your loss. Please keep posting about your relationship with your brothers ... I feel a kinship with you in that regard. Thanks, Peg
wow - ur educational plate is full - you obviously had some great counselling
when people r in denial u can't change them - or any other time - just deal with ur own stuff - my mother would be better off if she socialized instead if sitting in her unit and thinking about all the ways people are failing to meet her expectations, but no one can make her do that. -so she is happy being miserable my sister is in denial about my mum's personality disorder - i have just let it go - got better things to do
as far as memorization goes - succeeding in your studies involves so much more than that, and at ur age ur capacity is still quite adequate and in addition you have life experience and have probably have better thnking skills
hard to see anyone deteriorate - especially when they could do something about it -but it is their life and their choice
my "sisters" are my girlfriends - my sister is not a friend at all
(((((hugs)))))) sounds like u r doing very well.
one thread had a discussion about falling and it will happen sometimes and nothing u can do about it - u r doing all u can.
sounds like u r ding a great job - oh in Edmonton my mum's city -she shops at 99 and amazes everyone - just had her hip redone and can't wait to get back in the malls - now that being said she can shop for clothes but not for groceries lol
come back and share more
When Mom passed, I called the "Eldest" and told him that she had, offered to put my phone to her ear and let him say goodbye, he didn't want too, so that is something he'll have to live with for the rest of his life. Mom and Dad both are gone now, they were of the generation that thought boy's were the be all, end all, have you ever heard the thing about Eskimo's putting the girl children out on the ice over night, and if they were still alive the next morning, they were kept? I'm sure it's just a old wives tale or something, but I've always felt like the "girl" child, not good for anything but a servant.
It still hurts to think about it, but eventually, it will pass and we'll come out stronger on the other side.
I am content with the decision I have made to stay in school. After all these years, I see so many changes (some good, some hard to get used to) but all in all, I want to keep my brain active.
My mom also is happy to stay in the house until I get home and then she wants to go out to dinner (sometimes I am not home until after what I consider the proper dinner hour ~ like 8:30 p.m. due to traffic and the recent power outage) and I am encouraging her to eat at regular, normal times (like we used to) so her body will be consistent. I am doing my best and seriously "to God leave the rest". As you stated, I cannot change those who are in denial and thank you for reminding me of that. Although I am getting settled in to do homework, I do look at my email and this site is the only one I open during study time. There are so many mentors here; so many "sisters"/friends. Yes it is hard to see anyone deteriorate "but it is their life and their choice" ~ after taking a deep breath (trust me, deep deep breath) I let that truth shower over me. I am thankful my sister is also my friend; my brother and I will definitely part ways when we no longer have a common parent. I try to communicate with him to no avail (no common courtesy "thanks for the info" response) and won't beat my head against that brick wall anymore.
Onto my books, thanks for the post ... had to laugh, the malls are great places to go shopping for the seniors but who buys the groceries? yeah, yeah, I know, we do! ha ha
I have pretty well cut off contact with my sister - she and mother communicate directly and I know stories about me fly back and forth - whatever - the way it has always been and I can't change it
you are doing a great job -for ur mum and for urself (((((hugs)))))
Congrats on your A's it is hard work I know ... I had to drop out in 09 because the help i was supposed to be having so I could go to school fell through. Now I owe the college. But that's life unfortunately.
Thanks for hugs ... right back at ya!
I figured out why no one could find me on FB- my privacy settings were on custom, and limited who could find me, so for a short time it will be open to everyone. My photo is my golden retriever. I hope everyone is doing great today. We are off to Walmart, REX loves to go shopping and drive the little cart around, Rondo says he thinks Rex tries to get it into a tight spot and have to manuver it carefully to get out. What ever, men and their driving egos.