This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Been up for about 4+ hrs. already – should say awake - but not functioning
Oh Peggy – governments are awful – the red tape they make u go thro - but glad there is some benefit I understand your anger at what was done to ur dog –they are loving animals and helpless in the face of such malice - I too wonder if there is somewhere u could report this
Peg – sounds like you are pre-grieving your mum. As I said, multiple grief is hard and becomes “complicated” grief, as you are not finished grieving one death before the next one comes . When that is close behind it hits you hard and they add up. Not that u totally get over some deaths, (as I have found out with losing my youngest son) but in time you come to terms with it. Looking on the bright side is good – there usually is something positive to be found in any situation. As to whether your heart could handle it – what choice do you have? There were years of pain and confusion and grief work and, of course, I still miss the people I lost, especially the ones who died young. Thanks for the hugs. Glad u could talk about the hero bro to ur daughter with more comfort
Ros agreed – there should be some protection against such acts of violence
Mis – understand about “me” time –so important. Love your new pic – glad u had a good chat with hubby –absolutely u cannot afford stress and another heart attack - no matter what ur age - also agree that grandma needs somewhere where professionals can care for her –some respite is a start –can u get your doctor to recommend that u stop caregiving because of the stress? That should impress hubby. You have done this for 4 yrs. – that is a long time out of ur life – sounds good for ur aunt to come more often to give u a break. What an awful story about ur own grandma ((((((hugs))))))
Hi Shawna –glad u had a good day and never apologize for a long post or u will get some of us in trouble lol - 7 years is not all that long when grieving someone who is important to you. Glad ur mum stood up to the idiot sister and told her the truth. U r such a good daughter taking ur mum everywhere and getting the cheapest sneakers and watching every nickel and dime -think u r entitled to some wages for looking after ur mum – enough to cover things like medications at least – totally agree – siblings are not worth the stress., I have basically cut mine off. I don’t need the continual put downs
Vic glad u got more rest
Ladee – u called the cops – good - need some boundaries there –I am planning on dancing in the basement once it is empty again.–Yay!!!!! Yup, room for more antlers lol – at least they don’t talk back
Jam, Seeme, John, Starri, - everyone – hope u had a good night’s sleep
G called last night and the current jobs are done so he will be home today Yay Yay!!!! Better get that beef soup and some chili or such ready. Looks like he will take the regular job. Can’t imagine him on 8 to 5 – he will get antsy by about 7 for something to do. He will likely be working 10 on 4 off so that gives us a chance to get out of town once in a while –as long as the horses are OK l I still want to ride Ebony.
Raining here again and 50 degrees –but supposed to be going up in the next few days –fine with me
Love, hugs and prayers ♥♥♥
jo
Vic glad that you got some rest last night, it makes a difference.
Shawna, you are doing a absolutely wonderful job, your not taking advantage of your mom, like it sounds some of your relatives might do.. Keep up the good work and to hell with the rest of them.
This morning I embrace what you wrote and claim it as my mantra and will laugh when I remind myself that "hero brother" is not worth the stress both he and my mom cause in my life.
Thank you for posting that.
And also: ladeeda: I agree, love is powerful and I am so thankful for everyone hear. As I was telling someone about this site, I likened it to have a safe, soft place to land after a hard day (or even in the morning when I wake up with defensiveness in my heart).
Hugs across the miles ... I do feel them and in the warmness of my newfound friends, I thank you for being here for me and everyone else.
Today should be a good day. I have already laid out the ensure and morning meds, mom is still in bed which gives me time to myself. Actually she is the loner personality and therefore most of the days I am home she busies herself with this and that (and then does this and that again because she forgot she did it the first time). I am blessed, so far, that she does not wander at night (I know she gets up once to go to the bathroom but that's in her room and she is currently capable of doing that herself) so I do get a good night's sleep after I watch a little tv. As I read, I see others with more in-need elderly to care for so I know, at this point in time, I have an easy time. Only time will tell.
Good morning and please know, as I drink my one and only cup of coffee of the day (all 12 oz of it), I am thankful for the friendships that are flourishing.
Peg (SD)
To All: Once again I cannot thank you all enough for your posts. Altho we are all many miles from one another, it is like you all are here in this room with me talking about our lives and sharing our successes. I appreciate the info about the diseases and stresses of caregiving. I appreciate hearing about what has worked for others as I absolutely cannot think of everything to do for Mom myself. I feel secure in sharing my life as it is today. Thank you all so very much. In the midst of your struggles today please remember you have touched my life in ways you may never know. Thank you. Peg in San Diego
Jam, creating this list was a great idea. This is by far the best thread I've been on in my time on this site. :)
And cmag, you keep us afloat more than you know..... so we are just being here for you like you are for us...... hugs across the miles to you ....
Hugs across the miles (I always feel those, don't you?)
This site is great, the people are comfortable to chat with ... thanks!
Peg in San Diego
I have a cousin who is a few years older than me. She took advantage of an Italian law of several years ago and she could retire after 25 years of work, including the years of the college, so she retired when she was a little bit older than 40. It means that for the last 20 years she hasn't done anything at all and she has her retirement allowance. Her husband earns a good salary, so she has no financial problems at all; she scratches her belly from morning to evening (Italian expression which means: she does nothing), basically. Her daughters are grown up, her mother (my mother' sister) is well and perfectly lucid and basically (again) she never had to clean her mother's poop, which I have done 3 times today, and it was stinky and sticky, by the way. The only worry that she has is to plan the next trip (she leaves for a trip twice a year).
Well this cousin called me a few days ago and I was so tired that I had a very low voice. She asked me "Why do you have a low voice?" And I said: "because I have not slept at all tonight, because I have worked all summer in order to get some money that I badly need". Do you know what was her answer? "Well, you are lucky, there are so many unemployed people.".. The "f**ck you" was right on the tip of my tongue. I would accept that an unemployed person, who would die to have any job and has problems to find money to eat, tells me "you are lucky, there are so many unemployed people." But you, lazy and rich cousin, you can't tell me so. Tell me "I am sorry for you", it would be fair.
Of course I didn't comment. I am fed up with making comments and explain people one or two things about life!
Peg from San Diego, you are right. This site is wonderful, people give you lots of good hints on how to deal with problems which become more and more difficult if you live with an old sick relative, especially if he suffers of Alzheimer. I have been writing on this site for over one year and I learned so many useful things, and I understood so many things, and of course the fact that you don't feel alone in this mess is also very helpful.
I have to work now, all night long, because I am lucky I have a job!!!!!!
kisses everybody
I love the support, kisses, hugs and love I feel on this site.
Thanks, Peg in San Diego
Hugs to you, Shawna, from San Diego, Peg
Had a whole book written and the darn computer ate it again......of course we all know I won't remember a thing I had previously written.
Cmag......I'm not sure I could function without my lists. This is a great thread filled with wonderful, smart, loving people that I am proud to call friends. I am so glad you are almost back in your man-cave....it's like our own little piece of heaven to have a place to go to where someone else needs to be invited in. I understand you are having some overwhelming feelings right now and each one of them is valid....and do you find that we all basically live with this impending sense of finality when we are caring for or have a loved one nearing the end of their life cycle? Each day I wake up and wonder if the col will still be with us by the end of the day? I was feeling some very depressing thoughts when my mother passed last Dec. and hubby reminded me that with both of my parents gone, I am the next generation in line, that was what made me feel like I was. Kind of puts things in perspective because there is so much I haven't done, so much I still want to do and learn and makes me want to start making my own "bucket list".
I have been trying to keep up with everyone today. Okay, which Peg had the baby poisoned by the a$$hole neighbor? Call the ASPCA and turn him in. Breaks my heart.....I am a dog lover and if I could get away with it my backyard would be full of every abused pet I could find. I cry when those commercials come on.....I can't watch them because I want to just grab everyone of them and show them there are people who love them.
Okay, I have watched the embarrassing display of seeing the Chiefs smeared all over the Detroit Lions field. So that was a waste of good time...I changed the channel at the 3rd quarter, couldn't watch anymore.
Got interrupted and have been helping my son work on the starter on our atv. Finally figured out what the problem was and needed 1 single nut to hold a piece on the battery, and out of all the junk we have there wasn't a thing to be found. So he will look and bring one tomorrow. Target cooked dinner while we did that and I'm pigging out on a huge grilled pork chop...yummmmmm. We had to cook a chicken breast for the col and tell her it was turkey. She won't eat pork, but loves bacon, go figure...and says chicken makes her sick, but she will eat fried chicken made by either one of us and has eaten KFC after being told we made it.....and never got sick...:) Sending this off before I lose this one also.
Love and Hugz to all,
Jam
OOOOPPPPS she fell face first into a REAL cow pattie, um, I'm so sorry !!!!!
Love and Hugz,
Jam
As for the driving test? how about your nephew Rick? I am sure he would be happy to help, or maybe a neighbor? Keep in mind sweety there are people on the face of this earth, that you just can not make happy no matter what you do..and for those people, piss on them, their not worth the air they breath..
what a kick in teeth - I want to smack her silly but then she is silly already
more (((((((hugs)))))) - families can be so cruel and thoughtless
luv ya
jo
Peg in CA does your mom like high fat high calorie, ice cream?
ladee, Karma, it is the best revenge. I called Humane Soc, and the Animal Control people, I don't want to label AZ as not animal friendly, but I didn't have photo or visual evidence, just having the meatballs that i picked up from the yard was not evidence since the police that went to the neighbors house after the Vet reported the poisoning.They didn't see any rat poison in plain sight, there was nothing they could do.
I'm a 50 year old woman, I would kill for a man cave. Cmag i'm so envious. I lost my space when FIL moved in. And I have to remember, he lost his whole house and is stuck in 1 room. not really stuck, but you guys know what i'm saying. my change is temporary. i have moved a lot of my crafting stuff into a different room, but it's not a room that i could work in.
FIL finished the anti boitics -- um Friday, Saturday a great day for him, today a pretty good day for him. My husband was in with him and came out to heat up some food and told me the diarreah is back. WE are supposed to have a few more GOOD days.
Jam - thrift store for some new stretchy pants? I'm not a small woman and stretchy pants are wonderful, and if poop gets on them, they aren't brand new...
ladee, are these your keys?
Shawnee, love to you again sweetie. we love you ! (((Shawnee)))
Stormy, sure wish you would get another doctor, maybe toward Charlotte. I know it is diffucult to get him around, just wish you would get some good advice from a good doctor. I just found out Friday that a co-worker who is very likeable had stage 4 cancer in his nose, tonsils, lymph nodes, and possibly his windpipe. He opted not to do surgery, which I don't even know what all that would have entailed, but he will have chemo and radiation. He is barely 50 yo.
Oh and I DO believe in Karma, If I gave a damn what happened to him, I'd almost feel sorry for him.....that's why I say, "ya'll hear that swishing sound?" , that's Karma.....just like for that Ms. Thang that hurt Shawna's feelings,,, guess it's a good thing we are scattered all over the country,, bad things could happen to those who hurt who we love... yeah, uh huh.....
Hello- newcomers keep coming back to post and vent it's what we are here for!!!
I hope everyone sleeps well. I'm going to bed, but I hope not to sleep 13 hours like I did last night. I went to bed at 12 and did not wake up until 1 pm.
Hope everyone has a good night. Our day was pretty good here's praying for a good night!
Thanks for the ideas to do with the driving test Starri but unfortunately one Rick is her hubby and two he goes to college during the day and he drives a big ole stick shift truck. My neighbors I don't know that well cept the one that takes care of her mom and she don't have a car. So that's not really feaisable either. I'll figure out something. I took a nap so i am feeling slightly better not much but your words has helped a lot. my sister Jeanne wanted to slap her silly but again neither one of us were raised that way. My sister Kathy told her daughter off and told her what she did was wrong and that she was ungrateful I am afraid to wonder what she would have done if the plaque HAD been done and there had been no redoing it. I guess I should be thankful I hadn't done it yet ... and just have to redo the image and not the plaque I guess. I had only gave her a framed picture to let her know what it looked like but it still was a kick in the teeth when she actually told me she didn't like it. I am just grateful it was after everyone but the basic family had gone home when just my sisters nieces and mom were there (her husband left to take my tarp tables and such back to my house yeah she used my craft show tarp and my table and bench for the shower)
Again thank you again Cmag LOL I have a sort of man cave only its my artist den my computer room no one but me comes in here I can hear mom if she needs me but its a room all to myself
Shawna, don't change a thing. you make that for that baby, and put it up to give to him when he is older, he will appreciate it so much more than her. That way he will be sure to recieve the gift for him from the heart. As an infant he is not going to give a shit, if it matches his crib sheets or not. I don't understand that. But know people who want the whole nursery to match. It was childish of her to make a big deal out of it. Oh and News flash to the niece, once he's 3yrs. old he won't give a shit about dragon flies(that's for her not the baby). He will be into whatever the newest Disney character is, so then she will try to decorate his room in that! And the dragon flies would no longer "match" so in the dumpster or garage sale it would go. I'd tell her that children's taste changes over the years, this gift was'nt intended to match the latest theme, but was meant as an heirloom gift from you to him. And heirloom gifts are classical, not fad. They fgo with any decor.
Stormy yes they can get thrush in the throat and trach. They should be able to give him so meds to clear it up.
Peg of San Diego; Yes probably your mother doesn't eat for the combination of the 3 reasons you mentioned. I was wondering what I will do when I will realize I am getting Alzheimer, too. I hope I can do like the Maya and abandon my body willingly, before it is too late... Because I have seen it on my mother, and once in your life is enough!
Shawna, if I am not wrong, Rick is that wonderful nephew/not nephew who helps you when you are in trouble. I am always surprised when I see that very nice people get married with very lousy people. In this case, "she" is lousy and "he" is good. If you decide to redo your present, do it just for him! Think that you have done it for him, for the peace in his family, because he deserves it. And shrug your shoulders as far as "she" is concerned. She doesn't deserve your tears! Really.
Stormy keep us posted about your father...
Kisses to everybody else.