The Caregiver... How are YOU doing today?

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The Caregiver... How are YOU doing today?

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This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.

I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.

Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.

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P PEGDBEELADY Sep 2011 · Answer 1 · 2011-09-19T11:19:58.000-0400

Rossellamex: Thank you for acknowledging that what I see in my mom is quite possibly the reality. I know when my dad was alive he would say if my mom went first he would quit taking his meds and die and she told him not to and I see that she may be doing the same thing and I am the one telling her not to choose this route. But you are correct (altho I admit to not wanting to hear/read it), it is her life and perhaps she would prefer to exit now before the decline in her cognition goes any further ... before it's too late. Thank you for saying that. Just want you to know that although my heart doesn't want to accept this as I selfishly want my mom forever, my head knows what's going on. Thanks. Peg in San Diego

S stormy Sep 2011 · Answer 2 · 2011-09-19T12:11:44.000-0400

Hey everyone sorry i didn't get back on here last night i had a rough nite the nite before with little red. I got about 3 hours of sleep that night, so i crashed last night after the bath. I hope everybody is doing ok today. Dads neck is red and i saw a place on it that looks like a ulcer might be starting where his trach plate sits at. It kinda looks swollen some too. Sis was going to try to get him in to see his ear nose and throat dr today but she woke up with a neck headache and a toothache and she said that her ear has been hurting some too. And her sinuses are blocked she has been doing the nettie pot thing but it keeps going down her throat. She just called and said that she went to the dentist thinking that she had something going on with a tooth and they said that they couldn't find anything wrong with her teeth. I told her i said i told you not to go to dads drs. That was my little joke for the day. So now she thinks it might be coming from a sinus infection. Have any of ya'll ever had something like this before. Let me know. Plus she grits her teeth at night too. We both do. Love and hugs stormyyyyyy

S Shawna Sep 2011 · Answer 3 · 2011-09-19T13:30:07.000-0400

Starri you will be happy to note ..that your idea has been chosen. My sister Jeanne and I were talking I mentioned what you said and she said that's exactly what we will do. We are NOT redoing the image. What is going to happen is simply this. She won't get teh plaque right now .. then when the baby is born we are going to simply have the plaque one color with a nice border then his name date of birth and time his weight and length..My mom agrees so that's gonna happen.

C CajeanL50 Sep 2011 · Answer 4 · 2011-09-19T13:52:31.000-0400

Wow, I just posted my feelings after someone else's question...guess I should've saved it for here! I'll be back after a really bad day. ;-)

A allshesgot Sep 2011 · Answer 5 · 2011-09-19T14:12:44.000-0400

Morning, afternoon, Peg, I feel for you honey. Auntie goes around all the time saying she's ready to go anytime. It's heartbreaking. She has mentioned how she can "fix" it if she lives much longer by not eating! She's always snacking in her room and eats everything I put on her plate. But if she were ever to stop eating, I don't think I would fight her on it. She is to misrable. That's the thing, they are suffering and they get tired of it. And you can't blame them.They know they wont get any better, they know they are at the end of life, I think it's because with death they know what is going to happen, their life, is unknown and we fear the unknown. They could have a stroke tomarrow that would leave them a vegtable for several years, or come down with a painful cancer, or become bedridden and suffer. Their life as they know is nothing like it used to be be. They can't do what they used todo, they will never get better. It's so hard and so sad. You are a caring person for. Helping your mom and loving her. You have done the best you can. Aunt will say somtimes how she wishes she would have made her husband eat. In august he only wanted 1 hmaburger instead of two and by march he had stopped eating, past away within a week. Now her hubby had been on diaysis for almost 2 years, had some kind of undiagnosed dementia, severe stage. Almost bed ridden but could still be able directed to directed to the bathroom, his mind was just gone.

A allshesgot Sep 2011 · Answer 6 · 2011-09-19T14:17:55.000-0400

He was really just a shell. And was suffering terribly with the dialysis,and dementia. But she still at times thinks she would be better if he were here. She is angry with him for dying 1st. She had heart surgery in the 70s and just knew she would go 1st. She has lost her independence, husband,and her mind is failing and she can tell. So don't ever do that to yourself. He didn't have mind enough to consciously quit eating but nature took over. That's how it works somtimes. Not your fault. And nothing you can really do about it, but love her while she is here, try to make all her last days, happy.

A allshesgot Sep 2011 · Answer 7 · 2011-09-19T14:19:43.000-0400

Cmagnum, my hubbys mancave has a pool table In it. Its decorated like a bar. Even though he never ran to bars Lol. I've been enjoying a little of that mancave here latley cause it is separated from the house also:)

A allshesgot Sep 2011 · Answer 8 · 2011-09-19T14:30:55.000-0400

Ladeeda, crazy bannana lady! Did I skim over somthing that said you had the cops called on you? Throwing bannanas again? Hiding them down people diappies are ya? I will have to go back and see. Rosella, I don't know why but I got a giggle come over me when you said somthing about me explaining things to her. I guess it would be easier if she were my mother. I dont think I would have a hard time holding back. I think when she becomes more outta her mind it will be easier. Its hard to set and talk with her and realize she has anything wrong. Its when she has these tantrums, and acts irrational that you see it.

N notrydoyoda Sep 2011 · Answer 9 · 2011-09-19T15:41:38.000-0400

allshesgot, every man's Man Cave is unique. Mine has my various academic hoods (they add color to the room) and degrees along with items from high school like football letters, Beta Club, National Honor Society, and scuba license in addition to all of my tae kwon do belt certificates that collection includes my belt board, trophies, swords, etc. and on my desk is my computer with one huge modern day screen which makes e-mail very easy to read and last but not least are my book shelves, power lifting trophies, bowling trophy and various certificates. Now that I have more room, I will be able to put some comfortable chairs in their and get back to playing my guitar which I've not done in years.

A allshesgot Sep 2011 · Answer 10 · 2011-09-19T16:25:14.000-0400

Awsome cmag, sounds cool. Everyone needs a good relaxing place to go. I have a little corner in my bedroom I sat up last year, I can hide there:) I haven't had a chance to visit it lately. Just my favorite wingback chair, table with our familys picture on it. I can hide there an smoke! Pretend im not in the house Lol.

S starri33 Sep 2011 · Answer 11 · 2011-09-19T16:35:26.000-0400

Sounds like everyone is having a decent afternoon, my days gone well all things considered.. We went to see fort Laramie, Saw as much of it as we could, both being disabled and walking being a major part of the disability we were not able to cover much ground but were able to get some pictures from the bike.. I believe we will be pulling out Weds heading for Kaycee, Wyoming, and then after that towards casper, etc.. getting closer to Idaho.. checked the weather there and by the end of the month it's going to be down in the 20's at night, thank God that the heater works in this thing..lol..

Emjo, as soon as I can get hubby to put the pictures in the computer,the jig is up, I know where you've been going when you say that your out camping with Gary, I found the evidence..lol.. pictures of the proof will be on my face book page..lol..

Shawn, good for you..The plaque is for and about the baby, not her, it is something that can be passed down through the ages. My Mom got mine from a nurse she always told me. She told me that when I was a baby I was born with bronchitis and that I spent the first year of my life in the hospital. It has a little baby porcelain I guess stuck to the front of it, and the back of it's jammies are folded down, those old fashion ones with the drop seat..lol.. so it's little butt is showing. It's something I've always treasured, and will.

I would get crude and tell you exactly what I would tell her..but I might offend some here, So I will be good.

S Shawna Sep 2011 · Answer 12 · 2011-09-19T16:38:13.000-0400

LOL starri put it this way it couldn't be half as bad as what my sister Jeanne said and SHe's her aunt ..

S starri33 Sep 2011 · Answer 13 · 2011-09-19T16:41:26.000-0400

Hi, Cajean, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be rude, welcome to the site.. please do come back and post again.

S starri33 Sep 2011 · Answer 14 · 2011-09-19T16:42:38.000-0400

lol, I don't know about that Shawna, I can have a mouth on me that would make a sailor blush..rofl

V Vic Sep 2011 · Answer 15 · 2011-09-19T18:16:38.000-0400

Afternoon..Starri glad you are having a decent time sounds
Ike you are enjoying yourself! I will pretend I am with you!
Shawna, so glad you have worked it out! Good for you! The plaque will be a treasure.
ASG, ros, peg.. Know what you all mean. I feel so sad for my dad sometimes. He wants to be able to walk and be a little more independent. He has trouble even leaning forward much less trying to stand. We try to work on the exercises he is getting from therapists but he gets tired of me telling him step by step what to do..he gets frustrated with me. His mind is good but he has a hard time communicating what he wants to say..then gets frustrated or just stops. Both my parents aren't afraid of dying necessarily ..it is the getting old part and not being able to do what they are used to doing. Dad health problems are all neurological as well as some anemia but mom is just old age. Course she thinks she should be getting on the floor cleaning messes..at 91 I think she does great. She takes care of herself and many other things around the house. Funny, I do not relish the thought of having to fix her face as Jam has been going through with COL. Mom puts all the makeup on..not eyshadow or mascara but ..foundation to cover up her age spots..eyebrow pencil..blush.she like to look good even if she isn't going anywhere. She has always taken good care of her face..cleansing..lotion etc. She really is cute!
Crag..my hubby's man cave is his huge shop out back. He is such a pack rat ...now he wants to build again because he is running out of room and he might need something if he gets rid of it. I would dread even the thought of having to move! Haha. We all have to find that little space that we can call our own even if it is a chair in a bedroom.
Love you guys

R rossellamex Sep 2011 · Answer 16 · 2011-09-19T18:30:38.000-0400

ASG, you are really a kind person, I mean it. It's very hard to be patient with a person who has become so irrational. Maybe you are right, it's easier for me to say "shut up" because she is my mother, and not my aunt, but I found out that very often it's the only way to get out of an impasse....
Starri: Fort Laramie, wow! You are starting to enjoy this trip a lot, I can see.
Stormy: Yes it seems your sister choose the same doctor as your father, at least the brother of that doctor!!!! I met one of these doctors when I was young, I was allergic to a lot of things and I was always sneezing. The doctor insisted in saying I was not allergic, because I didn't show significant reactions to the allergy tests. That's why I took a yellow fibre tip and I painted many spots on my arms. And I went to the doctor and asked him: "Are you satisfied with these reactions?" And he laughed and he gave me some drugs against the allergy!
Peg from San Diego, I realize now that I have been too blunt in my comment. The fact is that my parents had exactly the opposite story. My father died comparatively young (he was 70) for the consequences of an heart attack. After the heart attack, we told him all the time: "Calm down. Don't make too many efforts. You have to live many years more. You have little grandchildren and you have to see them grow". And he refused to change his life, he did the same things he had done before the heart attack. And he told me: "If I can't live the way I like, I prefer not to live at all". And of course when he died he was perfectly lucid, his mind was bright and his body was destroyed... My mother is the contrary. She clings to life with every fiber of her body and her mind. Even if her mental abilities are quite reduced, compared to several years ago, she doesn't give up. I am convinced that if she could choose, she would choose to live like this, instead of dying. I am much more like my father, I think. You can never know, though.
I respect the choices of both of them and it's okay with me. I know that my father would have been very unhappy to live if he couldn't be himself one hundred per cent. I guess we have just to accept their choices. It doesn't depend on us. So try to be happy and let it be.... (anyway, just to brigthen you up, older people need much less food than we do. Very probably, what she eats is enough for her....)..

S starri33 Sep 2011 · Answer 17 · 2011-09-19T18:37:26.000-0400

Thanks Vic, we are having a good time, now that the weather is cooler, I feel safer leaving the girls alone at the camper.. you can't trust the electric not to go out and turn the a/c off.. but we are getting to sight see more, which is always fun, we went to Ft. Laramie today.. had lunch out at a neat little small town diner. How I do wish that all of you were here with me.

Before my dad passed, his mind was still sharp as a tack, he could get around decently, but his life became the end of a 20' oxygen hose. He was too frail to carry the portable bottle and too proud to let anyone else help. Broke my heart to see him like that. He always chewed on a toothpick, when I first saw him again after many years and his illness (lung Cancer) had taken a lung and a lot of weight, I would not have recognized him without that darn toothpick hanging out of his mouth.

I'll say this much, I am sick and tired of death, I found my dad face down in a pool of blood about 6 years ago, only thing I can think of is what little lung he had left exploded or something, I watched Mom take her last breath and then we lost Glenn's brother just a very short time later. I know it's not reality, but I don't want to see any more of it. One nice thing about this trip, get to see some life for a change.

J Jam Sep 2011 · Answer 18 · 2011-09-19T18:53:26.000-0400

Good Afternoon Posse!

Checked in to say hi.....and I see JeanL has been to visit. I'm sorry you got slapped on another thread. Yes, please come here to let off some steam. What you feel is valid and we care and we want you to know you have a safe place here.

ASG......isn't it sad how the elderly think if they just stop eating it will all be over? If they only knew.............glad the goose is back home and now you have one happy little girl, one cranky aunt, and a kitty who doesn't care one way or the other.

Shawna....I think you made a good decision that I hope will keep peace in the family.

seeme.....better get those bags packed. Wednesday morning will be here before you know it. So glad you are getting out and having some fun.

ladee.....hope Marie was better today. You may have already checked in......it's only taken me an hour or so to write this.....:)

Hope everyone checks in and let's us know how your Monday has been..........

Love and Hugz to all,
Jam

G golden23 Sep 2011 · Answer 19 · 2011-09-19T19:58:25.000-0400

ASG - glad the goose had been found and gone to roost with your daughter - she will remember that - must be hard to have aunt sane one minute and demented the next
shawna - nice solution - glad ur sister told ur niece off - she had it coming
starri - the sightseeing sounds like fun - will look for the pics
john - ur man cave sounds impressive and very manly
vic - it must be really tough for ur dad - I'm with ur mum - put on the make up and be ready for anything -sometimes mine doesn't go on til suppertime but usually sometime during the day
ladee - me too - I hope marie was reasonable today - and that u can post here without getting bumped off
seeme - sounds like u r doing well, fun is good especially after what u have been through
san diego peg - I agree with ros -all of those reasons could be kicking on and I know it is hard for u to sit by and see this happening - ((((hugs)))) it is good u have ur studies for distraction
stormy -dad could have a yeast infection - especially with all the antibiotics he hs been taking - i had one that went through my body - you want to avoid that - there are drugs that work hope you get it sorted out - i have been on them quite some time
peggy - I was wondering if your fil might have that too -though you have mentioned c diff. - hope your day has been decent
cajeanl50 - welcome and u don't have to wait for a bad day - just come and let us get to know u and get to know us - we are a pretty decent bunch
mis - any more developments with mil? Look after u!!!
yeahright - know I am thinking of you and dad
jam - do u like the tatted eyeliner? -i have thought of it and for my eyebrows too as if I don't pencil them in it looks like I don't have much -white on white lol and not thick
beta, 54, PCVS anyone else i have missed - let us know how u r -

here my man is home and taking me out for my birthday dinner - as long as it doesn't pour - I will probably make something here if it does. - a bit of thunder recently. Think he will have a "normal" schedule soon - yippee!!!! Tooth pain not gone but mostly just sore - then got a neck spasm - all this has to end soon
about 1/2 the leaves are yellow across the street -fall does not last long here - we get some nice colouring for about a week -then the wind comes and all the leaves are down - then the cold starts soon after. Supposed to be79 on Thursday - I will concentrate on that. Next door neighbour just cut down a huge spruce tree that was a nice barrier between us and him :( Oh well, nothing constant but change.
Love, higs and prayers to all ♥♥♥
jo

S Shawna Sep 2011 · Answer 20 · 2011-09-19T20:18:03.000-0400

Yeah it was after I told her what Starri said that we finally figured out the solution to our problem. Here's to hoping my sister Kathy doesn't have a fit when I don't hand her the plaque saturday when she picks us up when we go to my niece Lori's for other great nieces birthday. I got the mug done for her daughter and I already showed it to her she loved it and laughed cause it is called Brooke's Cocoa Mug HANDS OFF! Lol it came out cute. I have a fair on the 1st hopin to get some stuff sold that I already got. Gonna do some halloween designs Making dinner now cause I had to clean and didn't get time boy is it HOT in here lol I made Stuffed Chicken with mashed taters and salad from yesterday which was from my sister's Step Mother in law. Its really good cole slaw with pineapple pieces and dried cranberries and its REALLY good mom loves it. I'll have to get the recipe. Didn't have any fruit salad brought home cause mom can't eat it. Still have to reschedule my appointment before thusday I dont WANT to but I don't have a choice and my certificate for the five hour course runs out Sunday so ... who knows whats gonna happen :(

G golden23 Sep 2011 · Answer 21 · 2011-09-19T20:22:27.000-0400

that lovely Shawna -really lovely!!!

G golden23 Sep 2011 · Answer 22 · 2011-09-19T20:24:25.000-0400

oh -just hailed like billy-oh here -going to post a few pics on facebook so u can see what u r missing temp 59 degees :)

L ladee1 Sep 2011 · Answer 23 · 2011-09-19T20:47:35.000-0400

got deleted again, I am pissed, love to you all

S Shawna Sep 2011 · Answer 24 · 2011-09-19T20:52:04.000-0400

LOL Jo we had 40 the other night and 30 LAST night so 59 is a heat wave lol

G golden23 Sep 2011 · Answer 25 · 2011-09-19T20:57:35.000-0400

shawna - u had 40??? and 30??? that's what we have at night -froze a couple of nights

ladee -wonder what is happening - looked like asg's was kicked off too as she said "for the third time"

J Jam Sep 2011 · Answer 26 · 2011-09-19T21:04:44.000-0400

Hi emjo...sounds like you are having a wonderful evening, glad your sweetie is home. Yes, I love the eyeliner.....It runs right above my lashes so I fill in real quick with a dark olive/black eyeshadow. When I had it done the girl was giving a discount so I jumped on it, then several of the girls from the hospital had theirs done. Supposed to have a touch-up after 2 or 3 years, but mine is still okay. I use the Anastasia brand on my brows, can get it in a nice little case with everything you need. It's a powder and I think it's better than a pencil. Cmag......are you taking notes...lol

Time to get the col in jammies. Will check back in a little while................

Love and Hugz to all,
Jam

G golden23 Sep 2011 · Answer 27 · 2011-09-19T21:17:19.000-0400

thanks jam - nice to have Gary home for a few hrs lol - he will go off to the horses tomorrow -my daughter has tats so I may ask her about who does hers - not eyebrows - all my kids have great eyebrows and we all have good lashes - I do liner above and below and my hair colour isn't going to change now lol - unless i dye it - mini-adventure!!! permanent eyeliner yay!!!

A allshesgot Sep 2011 · Answer 28 · 2011-09-19T21:58:57.000-0400

Evening guys:) Rosella, i didnt giggle cause you were telling me to shut up Lol, i giggled cause it sounds so simple. It made me think like a duh moment. I think what changed my mind about getting the goose back was when emjo said she was going do irrational things like this no matter what, and she would get angry no matter what (not her exact words) that was another duh moment for me.

Yes emjo, was having a hard time with my internet I guess, or maybe the web site.

Jam, yep its been a few days and daughter is still clinging to goose like a baby would a blanky. I'm glad I did it.

Starri glad you are getting some vacation time, death is hard.

Rosella, yes they each have their own way, and like you I respect whatever way seems to be their way. I told hubby this one day, he thought it was terrible Lol. I don't expect him to understand not everyone does. I have been around so many sick elderly people, some are afraid and hang on, some beg to let go and still hang on. A man I cared for had been ill for 10 or fifteen years, telling his wife he wanted to die for last ten, beggig her to load him a shot gun and shoot him 18 months earlier, he finaly died, She told me she couldnt be sad for him, she had already greeved and him begging her to shoot him broke her heart, how could i wish for him to live after seeing him suffer so. This made such an impression on me. The nurse aid standing next to me later said how horrible it was that she said that. I told her that was true love.

Vic hey buddy! everyone else, Jen who? got beat up on a diffrent thread? should I even ask?

Guess what, I got aunt to do the clock test, she was very confused after waking up from her nap, she said she must have the alzhiemers. In a very lighthearted way, I grabbed a pen and paper and said, you dont have alz. I will show you a simple test, draw me a clock! And she Passed?!?! half the time for the last 3 months she gets so confused on what the clock reads, but she was able to draw one! suprised the heck outta me. Now Im wondering again if she really has a dementia? Or is her crazy behavior all from the stroke? if so why is it progressing? she is differnt now that she was 6 months ago, way worse than a year ago. Wish her dr. was more attentive, then again maybe he dosnt think she needs to know.

L ladee1 Sep 2011 · Answer 29 · 2011-09-19T22:31:38.000-0400

I'm going to try again, no ASG, called the cops on the neigbors for thier music blasting at three in the morning... had it been me going to jail, ya'll would know... lady goes beserk, takes hostages, and is heard saying as she is being taken away, " finally, finally I get a vacation"

L ladee1 Sep 2011 · Answer 30 · 2011-09-19T22:34:02.000-0400

ok, so far so good, think I will just post 47 times instead of one long one.... Vic, I know how hard it is to watch a loved one decline... when my mom was sick, I was just beside myself thinking what a fighter she had always been, but she was just tired, not my choice, but that was between her and God... miss her still

The Caregiver... How are YOU doing today?

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