This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
And realized also that I have my priorties all messed up... why am I in a tizzy about this stupid house... keep it clean, thank God for a roof over my head, and let the rest happen if it's supposed to..... I have been so tired because I have myself stretched in too many directions.... no wonder I have been feeling so burned out... Oh I just love it when things like this happens,,, just gotta be open to hearing the answers.... more later.. but wanted to share that no matter how I have perceived something, there is alway room in an open mind for new info.... love and hugs to you all and for letting me share...
please get the rest u need whenever u can - the burned out thing tends turn turn our worlds upside down
God is good!!!
thanks for sharing
Well, all my fellow mother hens........:) You can all rest easy. I have been trying to figure out a way to not have all that dental work done on the col and tell her and Target and he has been wanting to tell her and me we weren't going to do it.....so we finally got on the same page this morning.....I called the surgeon and had a nice talk with the lovely woman who answered and after we discussed the $6000 to have her teeth done and I explained that the col didn't want it done, neither one of us wanted to put her through that, she asked then why do it? A load was lifted off our shoulders.....later if she develops pain or infection we'll deal with it then. I know what she was looking at going through and it was weighing heavily on me. A little background for those who don't know the story.....the col fell about 4 yrs ago and hit her front teeth on the wooden arm of a chair. Since then they have turned gray, are breaking off and "peeling". We moved her to her present home Nov 09 and until this past June she walked around being medicated for the wrong illness....yes last year was hell on us all. She adamantly REFUSED any dental work, NO NO NO NO......this past June when we finally got a correct diagnosis and new meds she has become more aware....thus she realized how bad her teeth look and she started asking us to get them fixed. She thought all she had to do was go have some veneers put over them.....:) Not a chance. So now we are at today, and when I told her she didn't have to go through that, the look on her face was priceless. I told Target when she talks I'll just make sure I'm upwind of her....
Hi fever.........I'm so sorry you are having to put up with people who have to make your business theirs. Isn't it sad that their own lives are so boring and shallow that they have to stick their noses where they aren't wanted? Yes, it's time you had a break. Can you give a list of "allowed" visitors to the home and they are the only ones who can see mom? Or perhaps you could find somewhere else for Mom to stay while you are gone? Maybe a private home? Please feel free to come and let it all out any time you want to. Hugs to you............
Going to get caught up on the posts...........will be back.
Love and Hugz to all,
Jam
I've had a hectic week at work and it's only Tuesday. Wished Friday would hurry up and get here. I work in a car factory and we have over 1,000 dealers touring the plant so there's alot that needs to get done.
Love and Hugz,
Jam
For all the newbies, please come back and post.....it will be the best thing you ever did for yourselves....the ladies here are amazing........not enough words in the dictionary to adequately express the warm feelings you will get from those of us on here. We will get to your hearts and you will not function until you have heard from everyone......and a trouble shared is a trouble halved........
I am already packed and the car is loaded. As early as it is, I am about ready for bed as I have to get up at 2am to leave by 3am. You probably won't hear from me much while I am in Illinois, if at all. We (Kathy and I, my neighbor and mom's part-time caregiver) will be loving and playing with my newest great-nephew (fave sis's only grandchild) and eating well. Already have a fish fry on Friday and a Crawfish boil on Sat scheduled.
In other news, we are taking bids for a fence for the puppies we will get. The roof will be fixed this Friday from the damage done by Hurricane Irene. And I am looking for Old English Sheepdogs, but may have to get on a list for Christmas puppies. I did pretty well cleaning out mom's bathroom, but not everything is done yet. Just got too tired making decisions about things to keep or throw away, give away or yard sale. Still amazed at the amount fo junk there is.
Today I saw the mom of the 7yo daughter that had the brain aneurysm. We gave her one of mom's dolls that is a stuffed angel Precious Moments that says a prayer when you squeeze her. She had a rosary in her hands. That was the only time I cried, when I told her it was one of mom's dolls. It does sneak up on me at times....
Got to go to bed so I can drive first........ya'll have a good week.....
She has enjoyed them somtimes when she is in the right mood. She really enjoyed christmas morning and cried because she had christmas presents to. This after she kept telling us how the children only needed one small gift for christmas.
Carol Darro: The ladies here have already talked about your mother's knee and I have nothing more to add, except that I hope she can go back to daycare soon, so you have some hours of rest!
Yellowfever: I have become a "minimalist" person and when someone criticize me for the choices I make with my mother I usually say that they have to mind their own business, or a kinder form of that, but I don't bother giving explanations to anyone. I am too tired for that!
ASG: the behavior of your aunt speaks of "dementia" to me, even if sometimes she seems lucid. My mother is the same. One day she is very kind and sweet toward the children of my helpers; the following day she slaps and kicks them. She used to love children, too, until a few years ago. These children have learned to stay at a "security distance" until they have found what kind of day it is, if it's good or bad. Of course it is more difficult for you, you all live together.
Peg of San Diego: I hadn't realized you had lost your father (and your mother had lost her husband, of course) so recently. So, the behaviour of your mother is absolutely normal! You don't heal from these kinds of things very soon. But you are going to be better! I think you are doing the right things.
Jam, wise solution not to exctract Col's teeth. I am sorry for her! Poor one, she was scared. I use hydrogen peroxide to whiten my teeth and its taste is disgusting, but it does the work and it's not harmful like the whiteners you buy. in the shops... Precious advice from my dentist. Maybe she can have a try. As you know, it also helps to keep the mouth clean from bacteria so it solves many future problems.
Kisses to Jo and everyone else! I am going to SLEEEEP now, no work for tonight! I'm so happy.
Time to put the col to bed......hope everyone has a terrific night,
Love and Hugz,
Jam
Jam- you were asking about dads legs. The left leg( the one without the cellulitis looks alot better). The cellulitis leg still looks kinda bad. Just really red. And he has little places that look like they could become open sores. And the top of the foot has become red looking too now. And is peeling with dried skin flaking off. And today me and bro. noticed that, that knee is swollen. We couldn't really tell until he had both feet on the floor. But then you could really tell it. I asked him did it hurt and he said no. We have backed off of giving dad the ensure through his feeding tube. Because he is eating pretty good now and the doctor said last week that he did not need to gain anymore weight. His lowest weight was 189. Now he is weighting 213. The backs of his calves have been hurting him some and they both have been itching him. He has not been back to the doctor since friday. And that dr told us that the ultrasound results have not come back yet. And that was the same day they drew blood from him. To get a cbc on him. Not really sure when we will hear any results on that either. So that's really all that has been going on right now with him. Do any of ya'll know what a low or a high blood count shows? Just figured we might need to know for when we get the test results back on the blood count. I have got to make a list of everyone and who they are caring for so i can address everyone. Until then i hope ya'll are dealing with everything alright. Sending my love and ((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))) to each of you! Stormyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
@Seemeride: I am sorry for your loss. {{{hugs}}} And through your grieving, you still have so much to say to us. Please keep in touch. Friendships develop and grow here ... I know I'm new but I feel the love.
I didn't know it took so long to recover from a cortison shot. I've had them and never suffered at all. Of course I wasn't 96 either.
I'm hoping to have time to read all the post here more often. There is comfort in numbers. Thanks to all for that.I guess I'm shallow but I really love to watch Dancing with the Stars.
Gotta go check on Memaw, Good evening all.
Carol
Have a good night everyone!
Love and Hugz,
Jam
Love ya,
Jam
Finally finished reading all the posts..ASG, my gma was a tough old bird and as a kid I didn't care much for her but through the years I remember her fondly. I pray your kids will remember the small good times with auntie. Besides you talk to your kids and help them to understand that she is ill. They will appreciate this later. They will also remember how you and hubby cared for her. You are a fantastic person and you and family are doing the best you can.
YF..go with what everyone says..although I know how words hurt..try to remember it is about taking care of her. If you aren't well or relaxed..how can you take care of anyone else! So come here to vent all the ugliness and then you can breathe in the goodness too!!
D..sorry to hear about your moms knee. Cortisone does work wonders and sometimes it takes a few days to help, especially with the elderly. 96! Wow.. My mom is 91..she has back hip pain but can't get the cortisone shots anymore because she is on coumaden for her heart. So she does the acetaminophen thing.
Starri.. No know! Hope when it is ..stay out of the 'yellow snow"! Haha
Jam..glad you guys made a decision for COL on her teeth. It is possible like Ros suggested to have her brush some with the peroxide ..it should help with the bad breath.
Stormy..poor daddy. Sounds like he may be getting some bed sores. I use a lotion on dad to help with this. Their skin is so sensitive especially with diabetes.
Sdpeg glad you and mom had your talk..mom and I get like that with each other on occasion. And emjo is right paxil takes time to work in system..they say 2 to 4 weeks.
Pegly..poor FIL.. Hope he and you can get some relief from the c-diff soon.
Seeme.. You are in prayers especially. Pray you have the best time! And spoil the heck out of that niece grandchild! Party!! Love and prayers daily. You are on the road...pray you have a safe journey.
Emjo..hope you a still on the healing road.. Having a blast with G at home. Have you gotten to ride horses yet?
ladee...you had a lightbulb moment! Yaay for you! Brings peace of mind back! You are such a loving compassionate person and you have incredible insights.
I bless every day that I have you folks to convers with and listen too. That you Jam as always for starting this thread and I thank God for me having found!
You all have given me insights into my daily life and listened .. Loved ..prayed..advised as all needed. Thank you! So proud to call you friends.
Shawna..hope you are busy busy getting stuff ready for fair and also I hope you found a way to get yur drivers test. Hope mom will be feeling good today.
Jam thanks again for the website it helped. Take care all. Love and hugs stormyyyyyyyy
It looks like it's going to be one of those "I can do whatever I want days"....yippee....
Thank you for the suggestions for the col's mouth.....if you could see the shape they are in you would know why those teeth are beyond help. She has always used the Listerine whitening rinse and sometimes I have to remind her to use toothpaste, she forgets and would just use the rinse. When she fell and injured her teeth I think she took a direct hit on them. The roots don't have a blood supply.....they are dark gray, breaking off and peeling and smell horribly. Nothing would ever bring them back to life...bleaching wouldn't touch them. But she can and will eat anything she wants...she was told yesterday that if she starts having pain then we must deal with them.
Talked with seeme last night.....that was so nice and thought we were going to be able to get together, but it doesn't look like that will happen. I'm hoping to do something next Spring. I should have all my dental work done by then....cross your fingers.....and ready to go somewhere.
The world is starting to come alive here so I will check in again later and see how everyone is.
Love and Hugz to all,
Jam
I have restarted to do some breathing (techniques for deep breathing) while I walk the dogs, and I feel much more oxygenated. And there is another benefit; as this kind of breathing doesn't come natural and you have to focus in order to make it right, you forget your problems for 1 hour and your nerves relax. After 1 hour of this breathing, the lungs are widened and I start to gasp for air, and I understand how little air I inhale in general. I think we have to help ourselves as much as we can! In every possible way.
My father in law is on hospice care. He and Mom live in an ALF. He is now waking up through the night and getting her up constantly asking if it's time to get up. She has dementia as well and cannot afford to stay up with him as it makes her worse. But she recognizes that they shouldn't be up at night and tries to sleep. The facility has been great and tries to help but there is only so much they can do without charging us more. Hospice care has been great but they do not provide overnight care. He is now on a sleeping pill. The first couple of nights it made him sleep since then not so much but it calms him so he stops the incessant questioning. However, if he's taking the sleeping pill it makes him unsteady on his feet which makes it unsafe to leave them there alone.
They have 6 kids, my husband travels so I cover everything for him. One sibling has physical limitations so he is unable to help at this time. Two siblings will do whatever they have to do to help.
The other two sibs have responded that it's too much to lose their sleep at night, can't rest on the couch that's there, we need to sleep because we have to work the next day... We put together a schedule for the seven nights a week and I am taking 3 nights, one brother is taking two night and all we're asking is that they cover the weekend nights when they don't work anyway.
While they "worry" about all of us losing our sleep they are not willing to help so we don't lose as much sleep. They want a prognosis regarding how long Dad will live which we can't give or get.
While getting someone for overnight care would help the cost is ridiculously prohibitive anywhere from $3500-5100 per month. On top of this we are already paying out just under $5000 a month for the ALF.
They cannot afford the extra cost. If we go that direction then within a year all of their funds are gone. She is not so far along that she needs nursing home care so wouldn't get in and if we go through all the money before that then what do we do with her?
SO frustrating and mkaes me so angry that they can't/won't help out with their own parents!
My dad was in a ALF, but it was one large facility, and there were aides on duty at night to help with such things...
And as far as the sibs, join the club of frustrated caregivers that can't get the others to help.... Please come back and read other posts of people in your same situation, they will have suggestions also..... or let you know you are not alone in all being on your shoulders.....
and possibly the Dr. will have to add to the amount of sleeping aid in order for him to sleep all night....
I wish you the best, and come back and vent anytime you need to.... this is what we are here for... let us know how things turn out... hugs across the miles to you....