This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
And I hope you find someone soon, there may just be someone waiting to see and ad in the newspaper that will be perfect for all of you....I wish you luck, it is very difficult to find someone who you trust, that is loving and caring, AND for the right wages.... prayers for you and the family for a good outcome, and come back and vent all you want....doesn't matter who else is on here, this is YOUR sight too....hugs...
It looks and appears he is throwing TIA's when he is like this, today will go in the journal for the daughter to take to his next Dr.'s appt...
When I went in this morning and told Marie she could go to coffee with D, she of course said she would wait to see how she felt... I already had my "speech" prepared, after a few minutes she changed the subject... I laughed and kissed her on the head, and told her that wasn't going to work, she finally smiled and said ok... So hopefully she will get in touch with D and go to coffee tomorrow and get away from everything for awhile, get some much needed energy from being around friends, and this will turn into a weekly thing for her if her health is ok and she can manage it....
So a roller coaster day, feeling so bad for Sonny and happy for Marie.... but she is talking to me entirely different... guess she needed validation as to how hard this is on her with Sonny along with her own health issues.... I know I feel a lot less stressed, and so maybe I can do a better job knowing more of what is going on with her....
Son finally leveled the house, so I am not listing when I walk down the hall, and don't feel I am in a recliner setting on the toilet... ok, won't get off on a tangent with this,
Got an email from admin and they are looking into why we are getting bumped off... love you all , will check back later, hugs across the miles..
ASG, I think that your children will grow up well and not spoiled, and ready to deal with "anything" in life. I think that every one of us would like to keep his own children, or nephews, or the children he loves, under a glass dome, in the cotton wool. And we would like them to be always happy and think that life is just wonderful all the time. But I think now that if they start to know reality when they are young, they are going to live much better as adults. They will already know how it works. As it seems to me you are acting very well as a filter, that you are explaining things to them so that they don't have a trauma, they are going to accept the whole thing and probably they will find the funny side of the situation. They probably already talk about the whole thing between them and they are finding their own solutions... I had a grandmother with memory loss, when I was a child the age of yours. She told and asked always the same things. I remember that I answered to her until I had the patience, and when I was no more patient, I just run away to play. She was not the funniest person in the world, but I loved her and cried a lot when she died. It doesn't mean I was her slave.
And was also thinking that we could learn so much from your culture Ro.. us soft, quick to blame Americans.... guess it depends on how you were raised...like some kids now a days that talk to adults like they are something nasty on the bottom of thier shoe.... when I was a kid, we knew we would get popped in the mouth for such behaviour.....it was enough to make us stop and think.... and ASG is doing a great job with her kids....and I get the feeling if they were really bothered by something the aunt did or said, she would notice and address it with her kids.... don't mean to be talking about it like you aren't here ASG !! And I appreciate it Ro that you bring a different perspective to things,,, I would love to set on your couch and talk and listen for hours and hours.... or shout at you as you are way out in the water... sorry your swimming will come to an end for the winter...but I know the breathing thing works... I take shallow breaths myself when I am tired and stressed, then wonder why I am so tired...
Well, I'll let you know if Marie goes out to coffee today....
Oh some creeeepy news here in our little town..... the rats, not field mice, but rats are coming out in droves at night looking for food and water...... they are taking the fish out of the ponds and putting them in other places they have filled with water, no oxygen in the little bit of water.... It is getting so frightening to see what all is going on... and the Bastrop fire is still burning, only 95%contained, 1500 homes lost, 50,000 acres burned, and yet people are trying to remain upbeat and optomisistic.... I think we are just weary from the weather along with everything else going on,,, but about the rats, oh hell yes, I will be staying in after dark....
Seeme when You get back contact me off board ...:-D okay ...
Ros I agree mom can be very negative and yell saying things she don't mean sometimes around the kids. Yet it effects my sisters and I more than the kids. Because if my sister Kathy starts scolding mom ... Alena will step up and tell her grandma ... that its okay that Gram don't mean what she says then gives mom and hug and its all forgotten you be surprised what comes out of the mouths of babes ya know. If mom gets in a snit we let her alone and the kids gather around her and she seems to calm down..She's looking foward to going to the party saturday for brooke but shes still not hapy with my other niece which the plaque came and well its not what I thoguth so I have to gt a different plaque to do the one for the baby and I did an image on this one as its a raised plate plaque so I will sell it on the first of october if no one buys it before then ... lol
giving notice to my renters today - time to reclaim my space
welcome newcomers - charmin -vent away - like ladee said - maybe ur sib will get a clue how it is for u
fever - hope u have been able to enjoy a break
mis -maybe someone more experienced in what u are facing can advise. i can imagine that u are walking in eggshells right now and waiting for the other shoe to drop and walking gently around g'ma. Call 911? ladee, jam can u help here? -what to do if g'ma threatens or gets violent - don't like the skeeters either
seeme -u r off for some more fun - love the story about the little girl and mum's doll -OES's puppies - that will be fun
asg - good to hear the good things about aunt - just keep lovin' the kids - and we are glad to know u r mentally competent ;) - I know we all have days when we wonder about ourselves and sometimes it IS a big mess, but we muddle through - I love the saying "sometimes I'm not OK and you're not OK but that's OK"
ros - peroxide is great stuff - cleans out ur sinuses, your teeth... being tired kinda makes us cut through the cr*p and get to the point and that is not a bad thing IMHO
stormy - hope dad's CBC is OK - hate to think of him gretting trouble around his trach - be sure to mention the site stuff in the mucus to the doc - know u must be sick of all this stuff
carol (darro) how was "dancing"- hey anything that takes u away from the difficulties for a lttle while -sounds like u have a plan for mum and her knee
vic - no horse riding yet -G is down there now mending fences -was hoping we would get away but doesn't look like it will happen very soon - he is too busy working - pain going away -can even brush my teeth more or less normally - glad dad did well with the workers - must be hard for him and I know it is hard on u
jam - if the col's teeth smell bad might that indicate infection which peroxide can help? or a good mouth wash - hope the post-eating is over
shawna -I can just see your mum chasing u with the wheelchair - good exercise for her lol -glad u r having a good day
ros - deep breathing is a very good idea - like u say - anything that helps - for me yesterday a good walk and exchanging smiles with a baby in the dr's office
charmin - hope the ideas from others have helped - do come back and let us know how it is going
ladee - glad u finally got the BS levelled - poor sonny -so confusing - hope marie had a great time out with her friend -sorry about the rats -YUCK!
SDpeg - good idea seeme had re your mum's eating - hope something helps - ros is right -grief is a slow process - watch for the trigger dates - anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, the 1 yr mark etc - all of these are especially hard on your mum and we usually feel it the worse in the days - even weeks - leading up to the date
starri, pegly, john, everyone - who is reading, posting whatever - let us know how u r doin'
G got a new position - looks good - 8 hr days so he will be home in the evenings and we will see one another - works for me! 10 on and 4 off so may be able to get away on the 4 days off - have lots of things for him to do when he gets antsy in the evenings -
have a great day all
love, hugs and prayers ♥♥♥
jo
My mother SMELLED so bad and had a sticky face. She had on a filthy stained gown. Like she never been wiped off or even her face wiped after meals. And then there was a HUGE dog laying accross mom when I went in her room. The dog smell SO BAD. (My mom was always afraid of dogs.) Mom laying under this dog was saying HELP, HELP in her quiet voice as soon as I walk in. My mom is only 77lbs and this dog was probably close in weight laying accross her stomach...... Mom no longer has the ability to force something like that off her. She just had to lay there and take it. There was no reason why my mom was wearing "their" gowns. I had pack enough clothes for day and night along with diapers and everything she needed.Her suitcase was NEVER opened everything was just as I packed it. After I swatted the dog off of mom, I pulled back the sheets to see if she had any marks or skin tears from this big dog. She was covered in dog/cat hair. I wanted to vomit. Sure enough she didn't have on a diaper and she was sitting in a big pile of feces. Now this woman has been fighting infections down there and SNF was aware. I deal with her poop all the time and it looked as if she was sitting in it for a while.
Outraged I went directly accross the hall to the nurse station. I stood their 10 mins before someone acknowledged me. I ended up chasing someone down.Along the way seeing dogs and cats running in and out of rooms,(thats is why this place smells so bad) Finally, an aide came up to me and said your here a 1/2 hr early. Why, so they could try to make mom look presentable? Like I wouldn't notice. So I bit my lip and took moms stuff to the car and then come back for her. I was gone out to car and back in less than 5 mins. When I got back to mom they had her sitting in her wheelchair in middle of hallway unattended, ready to slide out of the WC. By this time I was PISSED OFF!!! I walked down hall to couple of nurses or aids(who knows everyone wears street clothes with no name tags) and told them this place is a SH*T hole and I will be making some calls.
On they way home I had to keep windows down the SNF odor was lingering so bad I was sick. We got home took mom to back porch stripped her down and carried her in the house directly to the shower. In the shower I checked her head for lice as well as went thru everything outside to check for bed bugs. Thats how horrible this place was. If I would have been able to see this SNF farther than the main entry way when I dropped mom off, she would have never stayed.
There is no call for crap holes like this place. How can they stay open. This place is on the bigger side I think it beds up to 60-70 just on SNF wing. Thats not including the personal care home thats on main level.
Has anyone ever had to deal with a place like that? Who do I report them too that will take it seriously? I did call moms hospice agency and reported it to the staff social worker. Those patients can't live in a place like that day in and day out. I feel so bad letting mom there for 5 days.
All this has reassured me that I made the best decision to take care of mom at home!!!
WOW, FEELS SO GOOD TO VENT!!!! :)
peglyhubba, Hospice just phoned. They told me they will follow thru. But is that a way to hush me cause they have a contract with them (the Hospice Agency and SNF). Moms Hospice agency is the SNF hospice agency. So me throwing a fit is "stepping" on someones toes.
My life has been to hectic for much computer time lately.
I just wanted to let you all know that my sweet daddy passed away last evening here at home with his family around him.
He was the best daddy a girl could ever hope for.
I can say now, that I have no regrets and I thank the good Lord and my husband for allowing me to give my daddy the care he needed and seeing him on to a so much more better place.
I also want to thank my wonderful agingcare friends on this thread for all your support, laughs, prayers, good thoughts, etc.
I don't know when I will be back but I will check in when you lest expect it.
Luv you all.
luv u too
jo
YR.....so sorry to hear about Dad.......my thoughts and prayers are with you. I'm glad Dad was home and with family. The grieving process is different for everyone...check back in when you feel up to it. Lots of hugs to you......
yellow..............absolutely horrid what happened to your mother! Unfortunately there are more homes out there like that. Here is some info that might help you....
Determine what specifically the issue is with the nursing home. Be able to describe the problem in one sentence. The people you report the problem to will be interested in hearing what you have to say but may not have time for a long drawn-out story if the problem isn't truly a violation.
Call police immediately, if you believe a crime has been committed at the nursing home. Theft, attempted poisonings and sexual abuses might be violations of state nursing home laws. But they are also crimes. Get a police report to document the incident at the minimum.
Find out which agency in your state handles nursing home inspections. Typically this falls under the state department of health. Different states are organized in different ways. Sometimes you are asked to report a nursing home violation to the county health department, and sometimes you are asked to report a nursing home violation to a different department such as the department of aging.
Phone your complaint in using the agency's complaint hotline. This information is typically on the agency's website or can be obtained by dialing the main number to the agency. Complaint hotlines of health departments are usually manned by professionals whose jobs it is to help you officially file complaints.
Email complaints in by sending an email to the correct department. The email address you should use to report a nursing home violation is listed on the web page of the correct reporting agency.
Fill out any forms that nursing home inspectors request. There may be an official document you are asked to fill out and sign in order to make your violation report complete.
Read more: How to Report a Nursing Home Violation | eHow.com http://www.ehow.com/how_2386043_report-nursing-home-violation.html#ixzz1YiEAmJEU
Hopefully this will help a little or give you some direction. This abuse shouldn't be allowed to happen and even though we all know there shouldn't be a difference in how a person is treated, the truth is that those who depend on the government to pay are usually not able to get into the best facilities available. Although there are exceptions.....my mother had to depend on Medicaid and she was in a very good, clean NH and was well taken care of and working on the ambulance for so many years gave me the opportunity to get to know people and they all knew that if I wasn't happy....none of them would be happy either. Years ago there was an aide in a NH where I was picking up a patient and her words to me were "they don't pay me enough to care"..........sent a shiver up my spine.
We are having a beautiful day....upper 60's, sun is shining. Getting a few things done. Wish it could stay this way all winter......would make me a happy camper....just like starri..:)
Have a few more things to do so will check back in later....
Love and Hugz to all of you,
Jam
I'm 59 and disabled (panic disorder and major depressive disorder). My husband is 64 and disabled (ostomy patient, COPD and disabled Viet Nam vet with PTSD). For 4 year, up until this past January, I was primary caregiver for my elderly parents. My stepdad died in November 2010. My mom went into a nursing home in January 2011.
My mom is hard of hearing, has macular degeneration, early stages of Alzheimers, and she can't walk (no one knows why she can't walk). Anyway, as much as I love her, the truth is she is and always has been selfish and manipulative. I thought when she went to the nursing home, I would finally be mostly free. Instead, I feel like I may be having a nervous breakdown. I know that sounds crazy - she's been in the NH for nearly 9 months!!!
For reasons I have never understood, I have allowed my mom to manipulate me and she's still doing it from the NH. I visit her twice a week, at least. The past 10 days, I just can't make myself do it. She calls me on the phone often and today I just didn't answer. I'm horribly depressed and just don't want to talk to anyone, much less her.
I had a TIA (transient ischemic attack) yesterday (I've had them before) and feel extremely weak today. My husband and my brother and SIL think my latest health problems are a result of the conflicting feelings I have about my mom.
Is it possible to have a nervous breakdown now, after all this time? I would have thought I would be much better now but I feel like I'm having some kind of delayed reaction.
Again, my apologies for the length.