This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Yr, so sorry to hear about your dad... angels and prayers sent to you and your family..... grateful to hear family was there... let us know if you need anything, we are here for you, post when you fee like it....
More later..... hugs across the miles to you all.
there are a few of us with selfish manipulative parents - I am one of them and if things had been a bit different I could be where u r. I am 74 and mother is 99 and going strong and possibly healthier than I am. Finally about 2 yrs ago my mum was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. She is narcissistic, and would control my life and have me centered on her and her complaints all the time if I allowed it. They suck the very life out of you. Distance does not protect - I live in a different city and have caregiven one way or another all my life. My sister will not lift a finger but is the golden girl. Only you can change this - by drawing limits,- boundaries - and not permitting your mother to jerk your chain. I learned years ago that the sky did not fall in if i did not pick up the phone. I have suffered from health problems the past few years most of which I attribute to stress from my mother. Fortunately they are not serious ones, though my blood pressure was creeping up. It is back down again now without meds. A few months ago I virtually cut off contact with my mother as I was having flashbacks due to PTSD from childhood experiences and a lifetime of manipulation from my mother and the increasing demands as she ages. I have cut contact with my sister. She is cut from the same cloth and I don't need it. I went to a counsellor - again -have gone over the years -and am back on the right track once more enjoying my life. I suggest that you get counselling and also make sure your doctor knows what is going on. You have to protect yourself if you want to get better -and you can get better. There is a good book with a workbook called "Walking on Eggshells" about personality disorders and how to deal with them. Some here recommend it. cmag talks about such people usimng FOG - fear, obligation and guilt to manipulate others. I keep in touch with others who look after mother ( she is in an ALF) and will step in if there is a REAL need. I have POA but may give it up as she uses it to manipulate. Put yourself and your health first or you may go before she does. Do right by yourself and your hubby. It sounds to me like between the two of you , you have enough to cope with. let the NH look after your mum. I have not seen mine in months and have no plans to. I do have more to say but will let you get a word in here. I am very happy to support you through this and help you get to a better space - you can do it! Don't answer calls and don't visit for the time being - put yourself first - and that will let her know the game is over.
many (((((((((hugs)))))))), love and prayers
jo
My brother does come to visit her, but he seems to have been able to put up boundaries decades ago. I don't think he really gets what I'm going through, but his wife has a better idea. My husband basically can't stand my mom but has always told me to do what I felt like I had to do. And I always felt like keeping her happy was a helluva lot easier than dealing with her when she wasn't happy. And now she's 83, she can't live much longer, and she really is feeble. I thought the Alzheimers had made her more mellow until the last time I went to see her. She was complaining about her wheelchair and I was checking it out, rolling it down the hall. One of the aids came up to me to ask what I was doing. I talked to her for a few minutes and she told me my mom won't help herself and won't help the aids. She said that when my mom has to go to the bathroom, she won't help the aids maneuver her...and she's a 155 pounds of dead weight. The aid told me when they ask her to help them she says, "I don't work here." Ever since then, I just can't stand the idea of even looking at her. Mostly because, I suppose, I realize the woman I knew really is still in there - if you understand what I mean.
I know I need to get therapy, but I can't find any decent therapists in my area! I live in South Alabama, and the few I've found specialize in substance abuse and anger managment...court-ordered, I suspect. I am on meds for anxiety and depression and I'm seeing my regular dr on Monday, ask him to adjust or change my antidpressant. Meanwhile I'm trying to figure out how to get rid of a mindset I've had pretty much all my life. My family tells me I act differently around my mom, as if I'm afraid of her. That is ridiculous - at any age, but especially at 59! I want a life, one I've never allowed myself to have.
emjo, I can't imagine my mom living to be as old as yours. At the risk of sounding absolutely horrible, I sometimes wish my mom would die now. Her quality of life is awful, and mine isn't a lot better. I want to have a chance to live before I'm too old.
I have no idea what I just typed or how long it is and I'm not going to proofread. I'm just getting this off my chest, and I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for listening.
I'm sorry to hear that your local lacks qualified therapists. My SIL lives in a section of NC that is very much that way too.
Neither of the types of therapists that you listed is what you need. A decent licensed clinical social worker or LCSW make the best therapists in my opinion and often they will take people with limited incomes on a sliding fee scale.
At the least go to amazon.com and look up some books on boundaries by Townsend and Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward as well as possibly a book stop walking on eggshells which is what your family is telling you that you do around your mother.
I'm glad you are not suicidal. Your feelings of anger toward your mother are reasonable. You don't need to apologize for them or feel bad about having them. Anyone would have the same anger that you have in your shoes.
Keep coming here and venting. Type and type all you want to and don't worry about proofreading.
My mom is 80 and often wish she would go ahead a die for reasons beyond just her quality of life. But at the same time, I can't put my having a life on hold at 54 until she does die. Are you and your brother close enough that maybe he could give you tips about boundaries and mom plus the emotional support you will need?
Your mother sounds like someone with a narcissistic personality disorder or possibly a borderline personality disorder which is also very selfish. Whatever her
diagnosis though, your focus needs to be more on you and your own life, plus your own marriage, plus your own immediate family.
How you get out of the mindset that you have always had all your life thanks to your mom is easy to say but hard to do. Allow yourself to have a life in which you have your own identity, emotions, ideas, etc that are really you apart from mom. This is going to come through boundaries. Trying to keep someone happy instead of risking their anger is called co-dependency and it has a strong grip on you. I wish that I could write to your husband for I'd tell him that you need more active support than just do whatever you feel like you need to do. Granted, it is your not his direct struggle from freedom from your mother, but as a couple you two need to set some boundaries toward your mother that you both will stand by as a couple. Remind yourself that you are not your mother and you are no longer your mother's little girl, but you are your own unique person and your mother's adult daughter. What you and your mom, plus your family actually need although your mom would not agree is for you to find your true self and be the adult daughter that you are. I wish you well in finding your way through the F.O.G. and learning to not walk on eggshells! :)
I really respect the way everyone here , except me, accepts their situation and seems happy in doing their job. I just find I am having trouble doing all I need to do . Right now she is worried about having stockings and a girdle. Where do these thoughts come from? Dementia is horrible. She is making me crazy.
Thanks for listening. Carol
I was in therapy (again) a few months ago as I was getting flashbacks due to PTSD from childhood and later experiences with mother. I would recommend therapy for you. Cmag had some good suggestions. The support there and from family and here has been invaluable to me in setting boundaries and getting myself healthy again. So glad you are venting and letting us knnow how it is - you are not alone - what can you do to make it better for yourself?
(((((((hugs))))))
jo
(((((((hugs))))))
jo
Shawna: the idea of sharing a car seems okay. It is important you get independant not only to carry your mother around, for yourself, too.
Jo - always a pleasure to read your posts. Hope you are completely alright with your teeth.
Peg of Tucson: I know many aged people sleep a lot. It's not the case with my mother who is always up and running! Her days would make a bull tired, but she is stronger than a bull and indifferent to heat and cold. She always wants to go out.
She sleeps just because I "pill" her every evening.
Fever. This is a horror story! Jam has given you all the possible good advice, but you have to do something, these people have to stop doing what they are doing.
Yeahright: sorry for your father. I am happy he had all his family around and I hope he passed peacefully. A friend on the other thread (GO) has just lost her mother, so we have changed our icons in little angels. This is for your father, too!
Spazmodeous and Carrol Darro: In different situations you both have manipulative mothers... I have the same; my mother is never happy whatever she does and she is not happy to live with me. She would like to stay with other relatives who have a more intense social life. The problem is that the other relatives don't want her, and the other problem is that when you live with an Alzheimer you don't have exactly a crowd of people who come to visit you every day. Try to think that you are doing every possible thing for them and try to think of yourselves, if it's possible!
Big kiss everybody
Yellowfever- This is horrible about your mom. Give her a hug from me. If that was my mom I would be on a major rampage with those people at that nursing home. There is no sense in treating someone like that. And how can they go to sleep at night knowing how they have left these patients to fend for themselves. It is a outrage!!!!! I hope that you will be able to find the right person to talk to about getting that NH of horrors CLOSED DOWN FOR GOOD!!!! I hope your mom is doing ok. and you too. Love and hugs stormyyyy
Spaz-You have found the place to come and vent and to find friends that will help you through this. I don't know what i would have done had i not found this site to vent. And that is really what i needed, of course and antipressants. And they have helped me tremendously to get through what i need to;to take care of my dad.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.Love stormyyy
I use the expression "this is killing me" when I refer to watching my mom wither away and altho I do not mean I will kill myself, I can see that perhaps that's not the best quote to use regarding my stress level. So I will have to revisit that the next time I feel those words entering my brain.
I am not so exhausted with the physical but more my heart. And I will take cmagmun's advice as well and not continue to drive myself crazy with this situation. Altho I WANT more time with my mom and do not want her to go to a NH (as that's not what she would want if she was in her previous mind ~ the trauma of my dad's death a year ago accelerated and exasperated her cognitive decline) I must remind myself not to force her to live her life according to my agenda.
She and I have been the closest this past year than we have ever been in my life and I guess what I do not want to have end is just that: a beautiful mother-daughter relationship that has blossomed unfortunately because of the tragedy of my dad's/ her beloved husband's death. It is sad we could not have this before but I am sure there are oodles of reasons for it (who cares now right?).
I am struggling to get into counseling. Her schedule and mine weren't compatible but lo and behold, this coming Wed 9/28 @ 2:30 PST I will be chatting with someone who will either recommend me for meditation sessions or wait until a spot opens for one-on-one therapy. I entered therapy a year ago, best thing I do for myself, yes I vote for counseling!!! And there are many free agencies (mine is free at the university I attend) so keep looking if that's what you need.
I cannot express enough how overjoyed I am having stumbled into this group and organization. I haven't been here long but feel the love as I have stated before. (Redundancy intentional). I cannot even remember how I found this group...God blessed me with it I am sure.
In the morning as I am putting on my makeup and getting ready for the day, I check the posts. At night when I get home or am getting ready to retire, I check the posts. During the day, from my phone, I check the posts. I wouldn't say I was an addict (not yet at least LOL) but I will say that I thrive on hearing what others are doing, what works for him/her, how I can implement their life's lessons into my own. and pray that I am encouraging you as much as you encourage me.
Thanks for being my friends.
As I read everyones story I know my situation is not so bad and I wish I could help all. I think you all are a great source of knowledge and inspiration. I will just keep on keeping on. My girls are adopted from China and have been abandoned once in their life ;I won't let it happen to them again. I really think when we get this knee thing resolved I will make some changes here and y'all have encouraged me to do that.
Thanks,
Carol
on the light side and speaking of presents - well done SDPeg - you got the cow pattie - for the newbies - that is the prize for sticking with us and given to whoever writes the post number ending in 00
Thanks again so much for listening to me. My brain is still foggy this morning. I'm thinking about going to visit mom today. I can't put it off forever. We're in the same (very tiny) town.
Someone mentioned borderline personality disorder. I'm not sure, but I'm more inclined to think my mom has histrionic personality disorder. I have a degree in psychology, you'd think I could tell! But it's impossible to be objective when it's happening to you. There is what my family calls a "wide streak of meanness" in the women on my mom's side of the family. My great-grandmother was placed in the asylum when she was a young mother, and my great-aunt was diagnosed with schizophrenia (I think it more likely that she was bipolar). We actually have names for it, depending on which branch of the family we're from...we call it either the Bradley Curse or the Lillie Syndrome. LOL How sad is that. Anyway, all the women of my generation in my extended family are determined to avoid the "curse."
I'm not feeling well this morning, will check back later, but I can't tell you all how relieved I am that I found this group. I hope someday I'll be in a position to help someone else. Right now, I'm just grasping at straws to help myself.
I had to smile at the "wide streak of meanness" in the women of your mum's side of the family. I am the one who mentioned BPD. It was officially diagnosed in mother a couple of years ago though I had done an unofficial diagnosis years ago. The same exists in my mum's family - there are several women and one man that I know of who have these characteristics. The rest are the sweetest people you could ever meet. There certainly appears to be a genetic component. My daughter has some characteristics and is doing a good job of working through some of her issues. Whatever the name of the condition ur mum has, it is a mental illness, u have lived with it all ur life and u r suffering seriuosly from it - and only you can change ur circumstanmces. You do not have to continue to be a victim. You can improve your health and you can have an enjoyable life. Wish I could give you a BIG ((((((((HUG)))))))). The lack of nurturing we, with narcissistic mothers have experienced, is a major handicap in life. When it comes to the point that your life is on the line - which seems to be the case for you, then I hope your own sense of survival will kick in big time and you will put your needs first for a change. As far as living in a small town and I suppose concern for what others think - one of my fav sayings is "What others think of you is none of your business". Manipulative people like your mum and mine use others to get at us. I could tell you stories of what my mum has said about me to others. It used to hurt more - now I just recognize it as her illness and I know who I am, and what I have done for her. She even "sics" other people (who don't see through her) onto me. I either ignore them or give them a big dose of the truth. Is it hard adopting these changes - yes it is, but necessary for you to have a life. Who is going to suffer more - if you stay away a while - your mum or your if you continue going in your state of physical and mental health? It has shocked and saddened me that my mother manages fine without me around much - I have had to accept that she is a "user" and if I am not available to be used then she has less interest in me. Let us know how your day goes -and #1 on this thread - look after yourself. BTW I have a couple of degrees in physiology but if I do not apply what I know to my life, I can get diabetes and heart disease like so many others.
Afgter reading the news about research frm japan linking diabetes and Alz I am more determined to get my exercise (walking for me) in - 150 mins a week over at least 3 days and it is a great stress reliever too. Here if you walk on the trail people are friendly and say hi and once in a while you meet someone you know. Keeps you in good shape for rock hunting too lol
or horseback riding -
I am so sorry that I can't take the time to sit and visit this morning.......the dentist is waiting on me......:(........but I will be back to address everyone later. emjo is on the job and dispensing wonderful advice, Cmag I keep FOG in my head always now.
And a big welcome to spaz.....I love that! I have read your posts and I see you are having issues with your mother.....and yes we all have issues with a family member so you are not alone.....please for today make it a YOU day. Your mother will still be right where she is tomorrow or the next day, she isn't going to die because you are not there. Do something for yourself today, if it's nothing more than sit outside and breathe some fresh air. Go for a walk. Today is going to be the day you take that first baby step toward mental and emotional freedom. Let mom terrorize the NH personnel............YOU are going to have a good day!!!!!
Hi Carol (darro)........I think I have welcomed you once, but I will again!
Oh I have so much to gab about.....yes, everyone here can tell you I write long posts.....I can hear them now....doesn't she ever shut up.....:) but unfortunately have a dentist appt and must get moving. Today is 8 yr anniversary, maybe late lunch after dentist.
Love and Hugz to all of you,
Jam
My siblings live out of state and altho I emailed them the doc's recommendations I feel all alone. The day in and day out activities (or lack of activities as my mom chooses not to socialize either) are what I see every day. I saw my dad deteriorate and die and it is too soon for me to see this now in my mom.
I believe in counseling and am trying to coordinate day/time with therapist but schedules aren't that compatible. I will see her briefly Wed to see if the meditation group is a fit for me. I would like one-to-one counseling but there are no spots open that fit my schedule. All the open ones are while I am in class.
I know the effects of the Paxil won't take effect for another couple of weeks; I am sure she won't starve herself until then but without food and ensure she sure is a grouch and then I see the lack of interest in eating in her and I will admit to getting upset and becoming a grouch as well.
I feel as though I am doing all I can to have food in the house, I manage her meds and put them in baggies and tape them to the ensure bottles ... well, I guess I can lead a horse to water but cannot make him (her in this case) drink.
My hands are tied.
Siblings? Two. They live in other states and have their good reasons or poor excuses not to come at this time. I won't implore their help as when I do I am met with "can't come right now" and "you chose to live with her" and "I do the best I can; after all, I call once/twice a week" etc. I do get oodles of encouragement from one but the other our relationship is estranged, has been for years and will continue to be.
I am trying to take care of myself but admit to having focus and concentration problems and I have two tests for school on Monday. I plan to devote today to mom's hair appt and going to my daughters to spend her (and her daughter's) birthday with her. Tomorrow is studying and church and Sunday is studying and a friend is coming to install new brake pads in my front brakes. He is supportive to my feelings as is brother died this past summer and he wishes he did more but knows his efforts fell on deafened ears. I guess that's a normal response. So at least maybe when I make dinner for Sunday mom will eat with us and she likes him as well.
I know I can't make her eat if she doesn't want to. I know it is out of my control. I just need some hugs and know I am not alone. Please remind me from time to time to allow the paxil to work and reassure me (if you can) that once it does kick in, her appetite might increase and also that "this too shall pass". One way or another, she eats and stays here longer, or she does not eat and her doc rx'ed a NH or she joins my dad (which is what she really wants to do and it hurts me to think I will lose her so soon after losing my dad - that's where my real pain is).
Thanks for listening
Peg in San Diego