This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
Vic, hope you have a good day too.. I get to work with Mary Sunshine again, no rest for the wicked I guess... hang tight to your butts today, it's all we've got... love ya...
So sorry I did a "hit and run" yesterday, but things kinda happen sometimes. I should also tell you that I'm ALWAYS foggy in the morning. It takes me a good hour or two before I feel anywhere near alert, so yesterday was not out of the ordinary.
I did not go visit my mom yesterday, but my brother did. He lives about an hour away and usually visits about every 10 days or so. I think he was bothered knowing that I hadn't visited all week. He stopped by my house later and told me that my mom's head was tilted back the whole time he was there, as if she couldn't hold it up. I hate to be skeptical, but I am. He knows she is manipulative but he really doesn't have a clue how deep that manipulative behavior goes. He's very worried about this sudden decline. Maybe she has declined suddenly, but maybe she hasn't. I told him, "maybe she's worse, but she might just be pissed." He doesn't believe that. And God forgive me if I'm wrong this time, but I've seen it too many times before. Will check with the NH nurse later and see what she thinks.
I am feeling better today. The after effects of the TIA seem to have passed. My husband and I went out to eat last night (just a Waffle House type place). And we talked, that always helps. I have to find the article on detachment here on the site and read it...that's a skill I really need to learn!
Thanks to you all, and kudos to you for all you are doing and all you are going through. This is tough! Will try to check back in later. I looooove this site!
Barely past 10am and I've already had "time to eat"....oatmeal, toast, small container of Pringles, small jello parfait cup, coffee, poopy butt, sopping wet diaper, no hearing aids in, meds taken................a screeched "I CAN DRIVE" my car, betamethasone on the dermatitis, out of jammies and into clothes...."buy me bigger clothes before my credit card is no good"......how can it be no good? There is nothing charged on it........oops my mistake on that one...."let's go out to eat then and party"....can't, don't know how to party......"then give me more sourdough...I love sourdough".....I know, it shows on your butt and waist. I knew what buying one size too big in winter clothes was for........so she's already set. I think I'll go find a field of daisies and run through it like an imbecile.....can't even do that, stepped outside to take a pic of our wild turkeys for emjo and had to run for the kleenex box.....ragweed..........If they turned out will post them on FB.
I sure hope you all have a terrific day!
Love and Hugz to all,
Jam
Jam: find that field of daisies and I will run thru it with you. ... oh yeah, who has time right?
Well, shower time and study time. Two tests on Monday. Being an older student has its blessings ... and its curses. My weekends are tied up with studying and my textbooks are usually strewn all over my bed ... yep, I read then fall asleep and wake up and read again! But it's worth it. (I am a double major @ San Diego State University and love it!)
I will be checking in from time to time today just to touch base with a great site and wonderful group!
Thank you all for your input, support, posts, sharing your life ... I am not alone!
Peg in SD
Of course, that does not mean she won't take the photos out when I am not looking BUT I am celebrating that one little step.
Thank you all for being so supportive and please rejoice with me in this victory and the success my mom has in taking just one small step! Let's smile for one moment please; as HER success brings hope for others. Whew! That step has taken a year to take but it has been taken and I am thankful.
I really want to share this success, and the thankfulness, to offer hope to everyone I have grown to care for in only a few short weeks. I will give her a hug, I promise, and yes I am very relieved if only for a few moments. I not only have hope in this situation, I am sharing that with my friends here with the desire to share not only the struggles but the successes as well.
Thank you for being my soft place to land at the end of the day (and sometimes at noon as well!!!). Hugs to all ... I pray for everyone every day!!! SDPeg
SDPeg that is a wonderful accomplishment for Mom......so much better for her to see a photo of her and Dad together when she goes to sleep and maybe the first thing she sees when she wakes up. The col keeps photos of her deceased daughter everywhere in a prominent place.....she has others of the family but we all know and accept where her preference lies.....it's not because she is deceased. There will come a time when all the photos will go to her granddaughters.
SDPeg....good luck on your tests Monday.....I'm sure it will be a cinch for you!
emjo..........got a pic of the turkeys posted on FB. Haven't seen the fawns since that first time. Hope your mouth pain has finally gone. Is G still home or playing with the horses?
ladee.....I'm almost afraid to ask how Little Mary Sunshine was today......
I can't say that I have done much of anything productive today.....my kind of day!
Hope to hear from everyone tonight.........
Love and Hugz to all,
Jam
Jam - I'm like you today didn't do much today.
Well as I'm sitting in the dining room, I'm listening to my husband and Grandma having burping contest. Yup you guessed they are just burping away. I told Grandma that the next burping contest there is we're entering her in it and I'm sure she'll win. The funny things old people do minus my husband isn't that old.
Sil called tonight she hardly ever calls only when she wants something so she's coming over next week. Wonder what she wants. Going to tell her someday to take a flying leap off a very short pier.
Well I hope everyone has a good night. Hugs to you all across the miles.
Burnedin, I am very sorry for the situation you are living in. I hope you find some kind of solution!
I have slept and now I have to work. Kisses everyody
I do need to make a decision tho... all my experiences with families has been that no matter what sacrifices I made, I was kicked to the curb as soon as I was no longer needed to do what they didn't want to do, or just couldn't do anymore....I have no illusions that I am irreplaceable, so why am I there putting up with this crap everyday????? So instead of focusing on what Mary Sunshine does and says I either need to accept the situation for what it is, or get another job.... and stop complaining about her.... I had a great day with Sonny, he was more like himself today and we laughed, and talked about God, and watched the birds... no way was I going to do any damned "cleaning" today.... pay me for setting on my ass today, cause I am tired too old woman.... anyway, I'll stop grumbling and go and read for awhile..... just need to get off my ass and make some decisions...
And no, you're not alone with the manipulation. I haven't learned what I need to know about detachment but I'm working on it. I realize how fortunate I am that my mom is in a nursing home, but it's amazing how much manipulation can happen even from there. I didn't mean to leave the impression that my brother is less than sympathetic...he just has a hard time understanding how I've allowed her to do that to me until I'm almost a senior citizen myself! I have a hard time understanding it too. :(
I called the nurse today just to confirm that mom is okay. She is. What a surprise. And despite her bad memory, she recalled my cell number today for the first time since since she went into the NH in January. The dumbest mistake I made was to have her private phone transferred to her NH room. Duh! Anyway, I told her I couldn't come visit until at least Monday - I'm so proud of myself! One step, one event, one day at a time.
Hell, I don't know what is going on with me.... I'll figure it out sooner or later. Thanks for caring if I am setting over here about to loose my mind.... love you sister friend and have missed you so much....
Good night all!!!!
sdpeg that sounds nice going to the casnio and glad that you enjoyed yourself and your mom.
Well I got the small/medium diapers the other day and guess what? I've had to change sheets all weekend so that's not what was wrong. Grandma don't drink much before she goes to bed or during the night. I'm at a lost of what to do next. She does have her own bathroom. I just don't think she wants to get up and go. We do remind her to go during the day, if we don't she just sits in her chair. Going to ask no tell her doc Tuesday to check for infection. That's the only thing I can think of right now. I hope this morning and afternoon goes good for everybody. Will check back in later.
Got everything arranged and ready to leave for vacation.....yippee!!!! Someone will be with the col 24hr/day, plus our handyman will be here working during the days, so nothing to worry about except the owls at night thinking my chihuahua would make a nice bedtime snack! We have the bologna hidden in the bottom of the fridge or it would be in the dog's tummy by now, the bread is put up, the new coffee routine went into effect last night and so far this morning she is doing great with it. Target was explaining it to her last night and she got "the attitude" and just turned and walked away......I told her "if you don't stand and listen you won't know how to make coffee".....she listened. Oh, she wants to be the boss so badly, and gets so mad when she can't! We put her to bed and she looked up at me and said "you're so good to me"....I guess that was her way of telling her son she was mad at him...:)
Shawna...don't apologize for needing to blow off some anger. This thread is for that purpose. We have all felt that way at one time or another......and will again, as you will. We are only human after all; though there are times when we have to be superhuman with ears and brains that can be turned off at the snap of a finger. You said it was your sister that acted like the twit yesterday? I'm trying to keep them straight. Perhaps she had something on her mind that she didn't share with you and it made her a little short with Mom.....no excuse I know, but sometimes that just happens. We get stressed about something else in our lives and guess what? We tend to take it out on those closest to us. I'm sure it will be better today and chances are good that Mom won't remember the episode. I agree with ladee....find a way to get that license and something to think about is if there is anyway you can purchase a vehicle, don't "go in" with anyone else. There will always be a time when it's needed by the other person and the one who currently has it won't want to give it up because they need it. Just something to think about.
SDPeg......the last time we took the col to one of the local casinos she was so lost......she couldn't figure out how to put her player's card in, didn't know how to push the button or pull the handle. We used to sell Japanese slot machines and it was an easy way for her to get to play. That's something you might think about. Having a machine in your home makes it easy to entertain her anytime, and since they are played a little differently it keeps the fingers and mind a little more alert and nimble.
Only going to be about 68 degrees here today...sun is shining and I have to wait until 3pm to see my Chiefs get smeared all over San Diego's football field....wave at them for me SDPeg!
Will check back later after everyone has a chance to wake up and check in.....hope it's a good day for all.
Love and Hugz,
Jam