This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
After nephew left, teacher niece's boyfriend (who is a commercial truck maintenance man) told me that my nephew can do my whole car's paint job in 2 days. He pointed to one of my nephew's car. He said that my nephew did that in 1 day and he did a very good job on it. I replied that nephew told me that he would do it but he's busy. Niece bf said that he doesn't see why he's busy (nephew has no job.) I said that I know. But he used that excuse because he doesn't want to do it. But he sure had time to do his friend's big car in 2 days (just a few weeks ago.) That my nephew's friends always came first before family.
After I vented all this to sis, I would mutter some POSITIVE, GRATEFUL afterwards. I told sis that I'm trying to stop being a negative person. By trying to be grateful for things, I'm hoping to change my negative personality to positive. Sis kept chuckling because after I vented some negatives, I paused, then slowly said something positive about that person. Just as we were about to hang up, for the first time, I actually thanked her for letting me vent.
I also found a Youtube for my back pain (all day today). It will help re-align my spine. Haven't tried it yet. When I tried to do it, it caused my back neck to start hurting. I cannot do any exercises that require straining my neck muscles. (Sit ups, upper body lift, or sitting on a chair and lifting my legs up, etc...)
This was the time Dad had a stroke, became bedridden and none of my 7 siblings offered to help me take care of TWO Bedridden parents. Quitting my job and relying solely on dad's measly retirement fund is not possible. So, I could not quit my job. I had to ask oldest sis to babysit the parents from Mon-Friday while I'm at work - with pay. At this time, about a few months later, I had my annual check-up. My cholesterol level spiked up high and fast. So doc prescribed my very first cholest. pill -Lipitor at 20mg. I asked him to please start me at the lowest pill possible. Nope. 20mg. I explained how my body reacts to pills. Nope. 20mg.
I honestly tried to take the pill daily. I had terrible headaches Every Single Day with ringing ears. I had to stop the pill.
Then after a few weeks, I went back to it. Again, the same symptoms. But this time I continued to take it. Oh my gosh! I was soooo forgetful. I couldn't remember this or that. Then one day, I was working on a client's itinerary. Very simple. Here to Albuquerque for a meeting. Then to Houston for another meeting. After that, he will take his 2 week vacation to Tri-City, then fly to Japan for the weekend, then back here. I spent the Whole Afternoon Struggling with the numbers...as in flight times. I couldn't understand why I was having a very difficult time with the flight times and the dates. By 5pm, I FINALLY finished his itinerary. It bothered me that it took me 4 hours to do this flight itinerary. I do his trip every year. So, I was confused. I decided NOT to email the itinerary until I come in the next day with a fresh mind. I reviewed his reservations and it looks good. I went home.
The next morning, I came in, pulled up his reservation. OMGoodness!!! I did all his meeting flights and after Houston, I had bypass his 2 weeks home leave and instead flew him straight to Japan for the weekend. The thing is, I REMEMBERED booking his flights to Tri-City. It was from Houston to Atlanta on United. Switch to Delta to Tri-city. Atlanta is the hub to get to Tri-City. I Swear I booked it! But that morning, I had completely NOT booked his trip to Tri. I immediately stopped the pills. I happened to talk to a client that same day about what happened. She told me that she, too, was taking cholesterol pill. What happened to me - happened to her, too. What was worse, she got in the car, and she Could Not Remember How to Drive It! That scared her.
I have spoken to my new medical provider about this. She was so surprised that I was able to notice the effects of the pills like that. She said that I happen to be the low percentage of people in which those drugs affect our mental capacity. She kept scrolling down the list of cholest drugs that would not affect the cognitive but... she couldn't fine one. She was the one who suggested maybe I shouldn't take the pills (especially since she knows that mom had dementia.) I'm not taking the pill. And I still feel bad about that. But I have decided that with mom and mom's mother (grandma) both having had Alzheimer, I do not want to take the chance of encouraging dementia on myself by taking those pills. At least I gave it a try!
I don't take high blood pressure meds either. Once the medical assistants were told to wait until I took some deep relaxation breaths and told them I don't have high blood pressure, my blood pressure is lower. And, the high b/p guidelines have been changed again, meaning (140/90?) is no longer that high. Mine is usually 122/72.
A high B/P requiring medicine is documented over several visits, and not caused by stress, which can be managed without high B/P meds vs. Essential hypertension.
Imop.
I had to look it up BUT she is right..
She doesn't know my birthday.. Lol
Pamz, I am fortunate that I have been given a respite day every week, I honestly don't know how others survive without the ability to get totally away. The problem is that it is on a weekday and generally all my friends are at work, so my time is spent driving to the city and shopping or eating out, both of which I do too much.
I'm going to call for a doctors appt to see about upping mom's mirtazapine today, this crazy behaviour isn't good for mom or me.
I walked in, and she greeted me by name. Wow! And I don't recognize her. I told her that after all these years, she can still remember my name. She said that she has a very good memory..'my partner.' You see, when mom was bedridden, and I was part-time, I would stay and watch them sponge bath her. If only one person came, I would help her with mom - by holding mom in place while she washed/sponged/ rinse mom. Anyway, we got to talking while she was mopping the livingroom floor. I asked her what she does when she has car problems. What a coincidence. She has a 2009 Toyota Yaris (mine is a 2009 Toyota Corolla.) She told me that on her last oil change, she was having 'check maintenance' light come on. She googled "2009 toyota yaris maintenance light on" and found an answer. she then google how to do.... on youtube and followed it. Tada! It worked!
She also griped that the mechanics like to raise the repair costs when it's female. Because money is tight, she now educates herself by googling before taking her car in. Then she can question the mechanic when they say this or that. That is what I'm now doing.
1. Clean the throttle body & throttle plate, change spark plugs (is this the same as the coil packs that I just replaced for $700-some?) and remember to disconnect the battery to reset the computer.
2. If above doesn't work, try fuel injector cleaner.
3. Worst case scenario - check the motor mounts. (My last corolla had to have the motor mount replaced. The mechanic showed me the broken part.) I still have my previous car's maintenance record. I will check it out later on to see how expensive that was several years ago. Sigh.... Good thing I didn't quit my job!!!!
Fave sis and I have nothing in common. Except for shopping. She knows I'm allergic to shrimp. She buys seafood spaghetti from Outback Steakhouse and invites me over. Or yesterday, she buys 2 boxes of fried rice. One is spam, the other is shrimp. Lots of shrimp. She bought it for us. I was very very tempted all day to sneak a few bites. Did I mention that I Love Shrimp. When we eat out, she always orders shrimp menu. Then offers me some. When I say I'm allergic to it, she asked if I would really get a swelling throat? Sometimes, I think she's trying to kill me through my allergy to shrimp. Anyway, we have no similar interests. I can listen to her attentively. When it's my turn to talk, she goes to mommy mode and responds, "uh huh. Hmm. Uh huh., etc.." I ask a question, she responds, "oh, what did you say?"
To keep my sanity slightly intact, I've turned to the news channels: Good Morning America, CNN and Fox news to get the latest news. Lately too much politics, so I've been on the HLN and just channel surfing. I'm trying to go back to reading my books that are light, funny, humorous, etc.... If you were a fellow news junkie like me, we can send messages to each other about the current events. Or swap stories except I'm getting forgetful lately. Send me a Private message if you want to talk but not have everyone read it. I will do my best to respond. Like pen pal...
What you really need is a real conversation with someone. That's really really hard for someone who is mainly a caregiver. You have here for caregiver conversations. What you yearn is real life normal conversation. I understand. It's like still being stranded on an island by yourself despite being surrounded with people.
I sent out a "hello...?" email last week, it was like dropping a pebble into a bottomless pit, how long do you listen to it fall?
You might say call someone, but I have nothing to say, my life is full of mindless tasks and playing endless games of solitaire. My life with mother is nothing new, I've spewed it all before and even I am tired of hearing, thinking about it. I just want to sit in a room and listen to those around me talking about normal things. I want to feel I am somehow still connected to the human race. How pathetic is it when your only connection to the world are the little snippets from mostly anonymous strangers on an internet forum.
I figured since he's going to be banging/throwing his watches around, I might as well buy cheap ones. Today, I bought 3 digital watches. Sometimes, when you buy things from China, they die within a year. You get what you pay for. Tonight, I didn't spend over $19.00 total. I've also put in a bid for a face watch with the numbers on it - max $10.00 bid. I won't go over that amount. I'm still debating with one more watch that has BOTH the face hands AND the digital time. But that's a starting bid of $20.00. I don't want to spend too much on a watch that he's just going to throw/bang it. Well, its 1:19am. I should be sleeping since I will be getting up at 6:30am to start my day....
Most of my blackouts were with mom when I was cleaning her trache. I remember several times after I blacked out, I would still be standing but all of the supplies were gone - some went in the trash, some went in drawers that I rarely use, and I Finally found the scissors - under mom's pillow on the opposite side of me. Several times, when I 'came to', I was trying to pull out mom's trache! That terrified me. When I was telling the therapist these 'blanking out', he told me that I was 'blacking' out. That's why when I read others who have reached past the exhaustion stage, I warn them (just as the therapist warned me), that they need to find help. Or else they will end up in the hospital or dead.
I can't believe how I forgot how that exhaustion was like. I remember when mom died in March, I asked my sister to join me in Hawaii in August. I couldn't believe how exhausted I was - several times throughout the day. I had to keep going back to the hotel room to rest. I was a bit disappointed that I wasted my trip spending most of the time in the hotel room and not outside enjoying Hawaii. When I came back home, the therapist couldn't believe how much I changed. She kept staring at me, shaking her head. I guess I really needed that trip which allowed me to crash in bed several times a day so that my mind/body could recuperate. Forgot all about That Exhaustion....