This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
I am gathering that you mom has dementia, so her not wanting to be in placement is normal.... her firing all the help you got her is normal. She apparently is being well taken care of or you would not have relinquished some of your responsibility....with that being said, you deserve to have a life. If your marriage is starting to suffer, then you have yourself stretched way to thin, trying to please everyone... most caregivers will identify with that too....
Has your mom always been a complainer??? The reason I ask, is because this is one of the ways they keep us on the merry go round.... even if you brought her home with you, quit your job, divorced your wife, she would not be happy... am I right??
One suggestion is to get her to a Dr , have a good physical done... making sure she is healthy, no UTI(urinary tract infection), or any other health issues.... then you may talk with the Dr about medications....
What does the facility have to say about her behaviour... does she only do this when you are other family members are there, or is she hell on wheels all the time???
Will stop there , until we know more about her history, we could make suggestions until the cows come home and none of it may apply... so let us know how she has been in her life... and have you always been 'taking care' of things for her... sorry, we just need more info, not to be nosey, but to have the information to help you.... I hope we can help you .... just a little more info please. thanks
I tried hiring people to come in and help, but she fired them as quickly as I hired them. I set up grocery deliveries from a local market, and started up meals on wheels to help her with eating, but she terminated those as well.
Her condition worsened and the dementia increased to the point where entering assisted living was mandatory. It's been a little over six months now, and I'm letting the staff take over her daily care and coming to visit once a week or so. Believe me, managing her finances, health insurance, and her medical care takes up plenty of time and energy!
It would be unfair to say that she didn't resent my "management" of her life, but she hates the fact that I've turned over most of her daily care to the AL staff and complains ceaselessly, sometimes violently, about it. I guess I'm having trouble defining boundaries; I don't know how much personal involvement in her daily care is right, and how to handle her objections to living in the facility. My finances and relationship with my wife are starting to suffer, so I have to maintain a better balance between caregiving and living my life, and I struggle with that.
Just been thinking all morning of all the Thanksgivings long ago and knowing they are forever gone....I guess we can be thankful when we have the good memories though...that's a blessing in and of itself....and I know that...it's just hard to see Mama this way and remember all that right now...
Hospice has come and gone and I put in a definite word that we do NOT want a visit from the chaplain. I made sure they knew he did not come nor did he call to let me know he wasn't coming...they know that is probably the one major gripe I have with people in general...and I don't mean to hurt folks feelings...but dang it...I feel invisible enough and forgotten enough that I don't need or want folks who ought to know better being inconsiderate...
That's one thing if I ran a senior care center or Hospice provider service that I would make dang sure my staff knew...make SURE you do not make the caregivers feel ignored or neglected or slighted...There are a lot of things that are petty gripes and I know that as well...but to me, the common courtesy stuff should always be a priority...As it turns out, he got detained at someone's home who wanted him there...and that is absolutely fine...no problem....but at least let folks know you are unable to come...am I the only one who gets so aggravated by this? That was one thing if I ever had anything drilled into me it was being courteous to folks and if you're not going to be somewhere on time, let them know....
Oops, my power is running out so I guess I'm going to fire up the leaf blower and give it a go...I hope it is as powerful as the guy said it was....I am at least anxious to try it out...
Thank you all again and I guess after recharging my battery all I can do is what I am doing. I did have a talk with Mama this morning and again tried to let her know I am here for her as long as she needs me...I'm not going anywhere and we're going to make it together.....as I mentioned on another thread..that may be what she is planning as well.... have a good morning folks...thanks again...
And if you had a hard time on a fast moving boat, do not ever ride a slow moving boat. I once took an auto ferry from Amsterdam to London somewhere thereabouts. It was an overcast day, ferrys usually move quite slowly, I have never been so sick in my life. Won't do that ever again!
I got good news. Yesterday was my last day for the car rental. 6 days for car rental of the Corolla of $434.69. Because today was half day at work, I called the car rental on Monday to extend the rental for one more day - return on Wednesday. That will make it exactly 7 days (whereas yesterday would by 6 days.) No problem extending it. So, this morning, the auto shop called me and said he has good news. My car is ready! What? How? I thought it would take about 15 days for the ordered parts to come in? He said that they just got a new shipment and ... they actually have the coil packs for my car AND since they didn't have to 'special order' it, I don't have to pay the air freight cost of $162.78! So, the estimated car repair went from $951.88 to $789.10 (this includes their $89 diagnostic fee).
AND... I when I returned the car rental, which originally was $434.69 for 6 days... I paid $457.14 for 7 days. Whew! I was worried it would go over $500.00. It's the Collission Damage insurance that raises the price. If I rented the car without the CDW, I would have paid only $270.00 for 7 days....
You've done good girl! You're Mom is proud.. All you can do is exactly what you are doing... Keep loving her...
Ladee, I am with you, no underwater vessels for me. That old JFK sub story has stayed with me for many years. Never going there. But I would do a helicopter again. Once had a public affairs time (shoot what do you call it?) ride in the flight for life, that was fun, but very noisy. Though way too many helicopters have been crashing lately!
Used to do this on a regular basis, for real. It was expensive because they never had time to grab their money on the way out.
Guideline: Do not let them know when you are coming.
And Ms. V..... Nix the submarine... I want to be there to help 'kidnap' her, but no way are you getting me shut up in something underwater.... that would be a NOPE !!!
And remember, this is a 'kidnapping', she will have to go with us, we will medicate her until we get to the states, doesn't matter how we get her here..... we will let her settle down from sensory overload and then the party begins..... she will have rashes and pains and aches and her sinuses will be bothering her.... her back will hurt and we will introduce her to a 'spa day'..... That poor girl will be so 'taken care of', she will feel like we are smothering her..... !!!!
We are still in the planning stages Book, so hold on.... get your purses packed, we will figure out how to ship them when we get there !!! love ya Book, bigger than the sky !!!!
It is a very hard place for you to be..... and don't let the chaplan in if you don't want to be bothered.... the one Hospice had for E was so rude, always in a hurry, I finally told him not to come back.... if it doesn't bring you and your mom comfort right now... no matter who or what it is... then just say no....
You only have to do what you want and need to do right now.... If people don't understand, then good, you don't need unconscious people around right now...
Prayers for you and mom.... none of this is easy....and it's so sad... but know we are sad with you... you are not alone.... not in spirit..... sending you gentle hugs and shoulder to cry on....
And I also don't really care for someone telling me they are coming today and then not hear one peep back from them...until they pop in...to me it's as though they are saying..it's ok, I know you are a captive audience so whenever I get there to check the box off by your name for the pre holiday "visit"...that's all that matters...
This will be four years now for Mama and especially the last three, each holiday we figured would be the last. I honestly did not believe she would be here now. She has had such a horrid couple of months. And I'm not sure what keeps her holding on. This morning I was talking to her...she doesn't answer now, just has that sad, lost look on her face...no more smiles, the one yay last week was, I hoped, going to be her being back to a happy state..But this morning, I asked her was there anything else she needed...She nodded "no".....I asked her was she comfortable...she nodded "yes".....I asked her was she happy....she nodded "no"....that broke my heart...Totally bedfast now for two years and the third Christmas...it is killing me emotionally. I love my Mama with everything in me, but honestly, this is not living....she can't move, all she "eats" is ensure....she looks so sad. I don't want her to pass...I don't even know how to say what I am feeling...but I don't understand people wanting people to linger in this state. I don't. If she could be happy, that's one thing...Even I can see she is so unhappy. How on earth do you word something that doesn't sound positively horrible???
I want Mama to be happy. I want her to be home.....I have told her many many times, we are ok...we are family...I am grateful for having such a happy life and yall have been the most wonderful parents in the world and me and (brother) want you to be happy...so if you want to go home to Daddy, know that we are ok...we will miss you but we are ok...
I can't do anything else now but the day to day routine of just making sure she is comfortable and she feels loved and try to remember she will go when she is called...
I guess one reason it is hitting me harder this morning is my cousin, the one who has hinted at coming this Christmas again and I'm pretty sure was hinting to come yesterday that she was so happy that SIL came this weekend and that now I could get to enjoy such a wonderful Christmas....... WTH????? What is wonderful about seeing the one person whom you love more than life itself lying in almost a vegetative state. This is torture to me....God forgive me but it is. I have heard people say things like this all my life and I thought they were horrible hateful people...and now I find myself being one of them....I know I don't want to live like this...she is just here...and that's all you can say....sorry, didn't mean to interject dreariness...I am thankful Mama got ot see my SIL return...and for that moment in time we were together again, in this home..Mama's home...I may regret writing this post....it is not that I mind caring for her...I would care for her until the day I died if she could be happy...but there is little about her that bears even the slightest resemblance of happiness....
UTI, not too surprising. Wonder if you will see some of his behavior issues diminish when taken care of. They certainly prescribed an antibiotic, didn't they?
I'm looking at his paperwork. They put the wrong name. My dad's middle initial is S, the paperwork shows P. The man with the P lives in Augusta, GA. Geez, we don't even live in the states. All of dad's bloodworks are under the P who had Medicare. I sure hope they don't bill all these to P.
He has urinary infection. Doctor recommends Vit.B compley once a day, Vit C 1000mg 2-3 times a day.
But if you're going to kidnap me, NO helicopters! Too many helicopter crashes. And no private planes. There has been an increase of those crashes, too. Whoever comes to kidnap me, can we stop in Hawaii on the way back to the states? You all can enjoy the white sandy beach, I will do my window shopping....
Brandy, Johnjoe is right. That won't be the last time you will hear that comment. Might as well practice in front of the mirror on what you're going to say. In front of the mirror - so that you can look at the person in the eyes with boldness or firmness. The next time they make a comment like that, ask them if they are willing to provide you a roundtrip transportation there. and some other stuff....