This seems to be a question that is not asked enough or we think what we are feeling is not as important as what our loved one is going through. This job we have taken on is a tough one and there are days when I think my "stress rope" cannot be pulled any tighter. Then there are other times that make those bad days just a memory. Do you feel like banging your head against a wall one day? And then the next day your loved one is attentive and loving and comprehends whatever you say? There are some who keep those feelings bottled up within themselves; others take the time for outside resources and others who look at sites such as this for some understanding. I do better when I have someone else to bounce my feelings off of. Let's face it....we aren't superhuman and besides ourselves and perhaps a family to take care of we now have taken on the responsibility of another human who is incapable of taking care of themselves. Do you breeze through the care giving without a problem? If so, I would like to know how you do it, maybe you can offer some new ideas; do you have feelings of frustration and need to talk about those? Come and talk and know that you can speak freely and without judgement and without finger pointing.
I am caring for my mother-in-law and have been for about 1 1/2 years. She has moderate dementia and incontinence. Other than that she is very healthy. Sometimes that short amount of time feels like 10 years and I wonder how long I will be able to do this job. I get so very tired of hearing the same thing day in and day out, but I have to remind myself that to her, each time she sees me, she is offering new information. At times I have no problems communicating with her, but it seems like more and more she cannot retain a thought longer than 5 minutes. We have had to make signs for her so she will know what she can and cannot do. So far it's working, but for how long? Maybe I will have to end up making her a "Book of Do Nots". She is on memory drugs, which don't seem to make a difference. So why do I continue to dole them out to her? I guess I'm afraid of what might happen or how she might act without them. I might have to rent a boat or buy a helmet! Sometimes I see something in her that leads me to believe that she could get aggressive and what would be my reaction to that? At the end of each and every day, after she is tucked into bed, I breathe such a sigh of relief. The "inner beast" is quiet at last, or at least for a few hours.
Pull up a chair and visit........I would like to know how you are coping everyday..be it good or with handfuls of stress.
I had a very similar event happen to Me too a while back, and it was said in sarcacism with a skit, but I left it pass as some People are just plain ignorant.
CM – Thanks! I woke up this morning to your tips. I copied/pasted it and messaged it to my niece. Poor thing, she got a message alert 6:00am this morning! It did take me a while to figure out you meant ‘alignment’ for those of us in the US. Oops… I forgot to tell niece that!
Glad, my fave sis is like the Energizer Bunny, too. She can multitask at work – and ends up swamped – doing everyone’s work while they’re slacking off. She’s also OCD…
Veronica, oldest sis tends to view dad as ‘my’ problem. I think I scared her this morning. You see, when dad became obstinate and told me that he’s Not going, I literally lost my temper. Blood pressure, rapid heart beats, etc… And I knew that I cannot continue ‘as is’ if he will not do His part. So, I told my dad lastnight, that he better go. Because if I come home, and find out that he did not go to the clinic, then I’m leaving. I’m going to pack my stuff and move next door. (Oldest bro has 2 empty bedrooms.) And that oldest bro will move in to this house, and you know what he’s going to do with you, don’t you? He will send you to the nursing home. And you KNOW that no one is going to take care of you like I do. …
This morning, on my way out, I told sis that dad says he’s not going. She just looked att me and shrugged. That pissed me off. But I did Not show it – because sis is doing the passive-aggressive thingy with me all these months. Before I got in the rental car, I said, “I told dad that if he doesn’t go to the clinic, I will move out. Because he does not have enough income to cover the house bills,his supplies, the home care nurses and any medical expenses. I refuse to deal with that. The thing is – if I come home and he did not go, then I will Have to go.”
I came home from work today. I asked sis if dad is still determined not to go. She said that he changed his mind. That she had a talk with him – that even her – on our local gov’t medical subsidy – has to go every year to renew her insurance coverage. That she needs to prove that she’s still alive. That’s when dad decided he will go see the doctor.
Right I want to tell you a story - it is an excerpt from a comedy programme from someone who has obviously witnessed dementia and could see the frustrations and humour that carers experience
A woman with dementia checks her lottery ticket with her son like she insists on doing every week. They are quite impoverished and despite having a once a week visit from a wealthy brother, who stops for as short a time as he can, he manages all the care alone (Well we know that one don't we). As the son calls out each number his mother onset say her usual NO but shouts yes again and again and yes again. by the time she has shouted Yes for the 4th time he is getting excited. One more number to go and he knows that they will be in for a huge win Millions in fact. With almost bated breath he calls out the next number and sure enough she shouts yes. He nearly faints and starts to imagine the respite he will get and how he will use that time. He thinks of the changes that can happen in their lives because she will be able to afford x y and z now. The new house they can live in, the car the can have. As we all would be he was very excited and then he says where is your lottery ticket Mum? She looks a little bemused and he explains that he will need the ticket to get it verified etc. Oooooh she says I haven't bought one yet but now I know I can get it right I'll get one next week!!!!!!!!
Book you can leave a note on your bedroom door for eldest sis."Gone joyriding, will be back when Dad has been to the clinic otherwise I will send you a forwarding address or not depends how much fun I am having"
And like Ladee, I am proud and astounded that you just keep going and going and going. Maybe change your name to Timex.;-)
Start at the bottom. Check your tyres (tires?). If they're okay, try this experiment on a nice empty straight road: driving slowly (obviously!) and in a straight line, take both hands off the steering wheel: if the car pulls off in one direction, and does it again after you correct it, then you have either a wheel balance or a tracking issue which any fitter can deal with for you inexpensively. Similarly, if the vibration is more noticeable within a certain speed range - say between 30 and 40 mph - that's another clue. Wheel balance problems happen if something distorts or damages a wheel or if tyres haven't been fitted properly. To see what happens, imagine a plate spinning on a pole, and then suppose you put a piece of gum on the rim - the whole thing would spin irregularly. Your wheel ought to be balanced by the fitter every time you have a tire changed, included in the fitting charge, but I'm afraid it's often not done. All they have to do is pop it on a machine that spins it round very fast while the operator corrects any unevenness, but I suppose that's five minutes per tire they can skip if you let them.
Tracking is to do with how the wheels fit on to the axis. When the car is at rest and everything is straight, they should all be neatly parallel. But think of each tire as the car's feet, and if they're even minutely pigeon-toed or splayed, then you'll feel the effect all the way through the steering. I'm sorry to say that the commonest reason for the tracking being "off" is, cough blush, the common feminine habit of going over kerbs instead of always doing proper parallel parking like your driving instructor told you to. Though to balance things up, I should point out that there is also the common masculine habit of driving too fast over speed bumps and the like, and then complaining about them. Tracking is easily corrected, too, and shouldn't cost much to put right.
If the car is bouncing rather than juddering, then it could be a shock absorber. That's not hugely expensive either, which I hope is a comfort. After that you're into bearings and things :( - but rule out the cheap problems first and fingers crossed it'll be one of them.
no question about that. However you decide to handle this try not to give him much notice. get his case packed and hidden then half an hour before transport arrives, calmly tell him the plans and gather the things he chooses to take with him. No argument, no drama. he won't like it, he may be mad but you are the caregiver and you make the decisions. Your health is the #1 priority if he is to remain at home
And of course really happy to know you are looking for positives and trying to be grateful.... Like Glad, I am grateful I do not have to be around any of your family..... they wouldn't know what to do with this loud mouthed, get up in your face person who came in to make some changes....
And because I live in the states, this stuff about the male being 'in charge' means nothing to me....I think a bunch of us should plan a commando raid and come and get you..... that way you wouldn't feel guilty for leaving, you are being kidnapped !!!! And let that stubborn old man and your worthless family figure it out..... Just d*mned proud of you sweetie.... just d*mned proud !!!!
me? I just wonder if I can return back to some sort of facsimile of myself
But, I cannot stand the twisteds! Never want anything to do with them again in my life!
It is human nature to find and see the negative, at least I think so. When you see children playing does this give you joy? And of course that depends on what they are doing and if their play is irritating. I thibnk we find joy in different things and when something in our lives is so overwhelming, like caring for a parent, and ttge longer it goes on, the more negative our feelings towards life in general are going to be. For the most part caregivers, I think are overwhelmed and it takes control of our whole lives. There is no escape for us unless we decide to leave the care situation. And even then, just ask me, the frustration providing care is hard to let go of and will take time. One day at a time.
I can't stand my father.....
Fave niece car - that I was suppose to use for 2 weeks, starting this Tuesday, - is now having problems. I Did tell niece when she picked me up to take me to the auto shop, that her car was shaking. She didn't take me seriously. But, ohhhh, a male friend drives her car, and tells her that there's something wrong with her car - maybe the alternator - and she listens to him. She called me tonight saying that there's something wrong with her car - shaking - and it might be the alternator... Well... I even told her mom this morning that her daughter's car is shaking. And the mom said that they've been having car problems but the kids don't want to do anything about it. Sis says that they just have to learn the hard way on what happens when you ignore car problems.... In my head, I was thinking - yeah, but I will be driving it for these 2 weeks. Now.... I may not even have that car to fall back on.
SIL, also said that they have all these cars in the yard (our yard, not theirs) that needs a part but her kids refuse to spend over $400 to get the part. So, the cars are just sitting there....
Venting here. I just bought a box of 4 40-watt light bulbs. NOT those fluorescent lights that hurts your eyes when reading. It cost me about $13.00-$15.00 to buy it. And within a week, oldest bro of next door asked if he can have 1 bulb. I gave him. Then a day later, he had the nerve to ask for another one. This time, I complained that it cost me $15.00! He didn't get the hint by splitting the cost per bulb. (He likes FREE stuff) I gave him another one. Tonight, they had the nerve to come to the house to ask for another light bulb! This time, I got mad and said how much I spent on it, and now you want me to give a THIRD one?! I Don't Think So!!!
To add to all this, the washing machine is acting up. It got banged up on the last typhoon that threw it off the foundation and knocked it on the side. So, I also need to go hunting for an Outside Washing machine. We had a difficult time finding this one. It seems that they're making washing machines for indoor only - with all those electronic gizmos in it. Gees....
And now, Dad refuses to go to the clinic.
Consider this a cautionary tale of if you ignore your cold.
My co worker who I posted about 3weeks ago who was sick is now recovering from surgery Thursday night. Cold turned into pneumonia. Not enough rest and a earned a trip to ER Very dehydrated. Skipped the doc follow up and was not improving. Painful to breath/ lots of coughing. Came to a head last Saturday with another trip to ER and was admitted. Tubes inserted Sunday to drain lungs but surgery done to scrape out lungs as best possible. Only 27 years old. I am not expecting him back at work until January and since I have seniority I have assumed many of his tasks and working many more hours than I really want to.
Tired from all that walking and standing I do not have time to sit and take a break. Thankfully not covering weekends but am looking forward to his return.
So less time to visit Dad who doesn't really seem to notice I try to stop in for just a few minutes when I can.
We were successfully in getting our property taxes lowered on the property we bought in February. Did get my fall yard clean up done. House fairly clean.
Kitties still getting lots of attention as the temps are dropping and they like the warm house.
Glad, the one week off - I will be stuck at home. Staying home gives me a migraine. I really don't look forward to spending the whole Saturday to the next Sunday (total 9 days) 24/7 taking care of dad.